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Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 357
7 208 hugs
given |
#421
T,
You let me down again, today. We have our moments when things are good and I feel cared for and connected, but those are few and far between. I think today was the nail in the coffin today, I give up on our therapy ever being productive. I try to tell you with words, instead of show you through unhealthy actions, how miserable I am, and I feel like you ignore my words. I repeatedly, day after day, wrote to you in my journal that I want to die, and it feels like you ignored that entirely. Well...you always ignore that entirely. Maybe that’s because I haven’t ever revealed the extent of my current ideation. I just don’t want to be involuntarily hospitalized. I used to talk about my suicidal thoughts all of the time with S, and she’d make them go away. But when you ignore them, they just continue to grow. Honestly, I don’t even feel inclined to share anything with you anymore, because when I share, it never gets me what I need. You make me miss S so much. Your advice today was crap. I told you I want to die and you come back with telling me to listen to motivational podcasts?? And you don’t even have any to suggest...I tell you my ex contacted me on Christmas to “be friends again” and you have absolutely nothing to offer regarding that. I feel so alone in life. You know that. I don’t think you know how much you contribute to that. I guess I just have to deal with this until summer. I assume I’ll be leaving the program then and finding a new T. I feel fine with that at the moment. I have determined today that letting you in and letting my walls down is never going to be worth it. You can’t help me like S could. You remind me way too much of M, sometimes, and we both know how my therapy with her worked out...I tried to tell you how I feel and you don’t seem to care. All I have left to do is to show you. I’m done trying to prevent self-harm. If I need it, I’m going to do it. I have to. I have no better emotional release. Skills stop working when you realize there is no getting better. Skills aren’t supposed to make me feel better, so what is? It used to be sessions. Now I just leave session unsatisfied the large majority of the time, feeling like my needs haven’t been met. And it hurt me when we talked about this once and you said that I have had a problem with every T that I’ve seen, except S. That’s so far from the truth. The only one that I saw for any period of time longer than a month/trial period and didn’t like was M. It feels like you’re blaming me for our therapy not working. You’re probably right to, though, I’m the one building the wall between us. But maybe that wall is a good thing...that’s what I’m starting to see today... I could write to you all day...but I don’t think you’d ever really hear me... |
DP_2017, Elio, LabRat27, Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, Spangle
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Comfy Sedation
Member Since Sep 2012
Location: the woods
Posts: 19,301
(SuperPoster!)
11 8,149 hugs
given |
#422
I'm so mad at u rn
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Echos Myron redux, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, MRT6211, SlumberKitty, Spangle, toomanycats
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 2,162
6 1,834 hugs
given |
#423
I know I said don't email back but...don't listen to me!
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chihirochild, LabRat27, Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, Spangle
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Roses are falling.
Member Since May 2017
Location: Cafe Nervosa.
Posts: 9,734
(SuperPoster!)
6 10.2k hugs
given |
#424
1.I've got more family drama to tell you, but it just makes more angry with my grandmother and I've been avoiding her as much as I can. The odd 2 mins hello each day but nothing more. Maybe I am just being selfish but I can't forgive her and just move on.
2.I was angry at you going away on holiday and if I'm being honest I feel like a bit of me still is. 3.
Possible trigger:
__________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing." Last edited by Lemoncake; Dec 26, 2018 at 05:19 PM.. |
Echos Myron redux, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, Spangle, WarmFuzzySocks
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SalingerEsme
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 1,734
6 542 hugs
given |
#425
I get to see you tomorrow AND Friday!
Thank you for emailing me this entire break. All the hugs. |
Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, Spangle
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LonesomeTonight
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Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2017
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 1,019
6 5,296 hugs
given |
#426
I am trying to be mindful and not run away with my negative thoughts. It has helped me not be so miserable.
__________________ |
LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, Spangle, WarmFuzzySocks
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,819
12 3,150 hugs
given |
#427
Hi R,
Tonight I feel like hammered dog crap physically, which sure as heck isn't helping my mental state. Hopefully the crud will have passed through by the time I see you next. Warmest wishes for the New Year, Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, Spangle
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2014
Location: n/a
Posts: 4,819
10 375 hugs
given |
#428
When will this pain stop. When will my automatic thoughts about you and our next appointment stop. Today I have been searching for ways to connect with you. I have googled you more in depth than ever before. I just want to feel your warmth. Instead All I feel is more sadness because Ieill never see you again in this lifetime. It doesnt help that t is takening a week off. But because of the holidays falling in my appointment day I will have almost 2 weeks where I will not see her. I cant handle this pain anymore. If she cant really understand the grief I deal with in regards to my mom. I cant imagine she would understand about you. Dhe is very supportive though and mentioned even before your passing, you maternal roll in my life.
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LonesomeTonight, RaineD, SlumberKitty
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Sheffield
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Comfy Sedation
Member Since Sep 2012
Location: the woods
Posts: 19,301
(SuperPoster!)
11 8,149 hugs
given |
#429
I'm using again cuz if I didnt I'd kill myself. So its actually a good thing ???😑
__________________ |
Anastasia~, captgut, Echos Myron redux, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, RaineD, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, Spangle, unaluna, WarmFuzzySocks
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Poohbah
Member Since Oct 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,073
5 70 hugs
given |
#430
I am so excited to see you tomorrow. I have you all to myself for three hours!!! Tomorrow come soon...
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Anastasia~, SlumberKitty, Spangle
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 4,414
6 665 hugs
given |
#431
You know what sucks? I'm a grown woman... capable of making my own life choices... if I choose to share things about my life with you, even if you are not my T, that should be MY choice.... being treated like a child because of "guidelines" is really irritating. I'm NOT a child and it drives me bonkers to be treated as such. I'm glad you get to be an adult still. Must be nice. Hope you are enjoying your new life, that I'm not a part of.
__________________ Grief is the price you pay for love. |
ChickenNoodleSoup, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, Lrad123, SlumberKitty
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Most Dangerous
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,920
7 7,642 hugs
given |
#432
You have really nice eyebrows.
Just sayin'. |
captgut, Echos Myron redux, LonesomeTonight, WarmFuzzySocks
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Apr 2017
Location: In a land far far away
Posts: 1,581
7 1,306 hugs
given |
#433
13 more days. I miss you. You better come back!
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 2,360
7 4,865 hugs
given |
#434
Hey-
I really appreciate you offering to see me tomorrow morning at 6:30. That's... actually kind of above and beyond. Thanks voldie, me |
ChickenNoodleSoup, LabRat27, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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WarmFuzzySocks
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Guest
Posts: n/a
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#435
Three and half more weeks! I appreciate you practicing good self care but your christmas holidays are bordering on unbearable this year.
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ChickenNoodleSoup, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2008
Posts: 7,361
15 25 hugs
given |
#436
stay safe dna. i'm worried about you
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Guest
Posts: n/a
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#437
L, that final poem that I have been wanting to write for you but feared the 'labor pains', tonite is finally being born...
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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LonesomeTonight
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 4,414
6 665 hugs
given |
#438
The old company has posted a listing for your old job online.... you said they were not gonna replace you, looks like that's not true... and quite fast too. It also lists a fairly good pay but you claimed to be so poor, one reason you had to leave... how can you be poor with that money? Unless, because of you, they are offering more to the next... either way... I wish you were still a T, anything so I could talk to you, like a normal human
__________________ Grief is the price you pay for love. |
LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Member
Member Since Oct 2018
Location: the astral plane
Posts: 493
5 375 hugs
given |
#439
"If I don't hear back from you, then, I want to wish you the best of luck."
I cried immediately after I called you today because I'm going to miss you. The tears I'm crying now are happy ones. When I left RoboT last year, something he said in our final session was that he believed that I would get better. I couldn't believe him for so many reasons. First, it contradicted what he said the session directly before. More importantly, I've never believed that I could be well. Today, though? It does feel like a goodbye, even though I know your door is open. And surprisingly, I'm okay with this. I'm sad, obviously, but I don't think I need a PRN to cope. I won't SH tonight. I'll cherish the time we had as special. Tonight, I'm finally starting to see the growth in me that I couldn't see in a year. I'm seeing what you've seen the entire time. So I don't need your luck. I'm going to be okay. I have a lot more work to do, but I'm going to be okay. |
LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, skeksi, SlumberKitty, unaluna, WarmFuzzySocks
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, WarmFuzzySocks
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2014
Location: n/a
Posts: 4,819
10 375 hugs
given |
#440
"Only" 9 days until I see you. Feel like I am sinking and 9 days seems so long. If I have learned anything the last 7 months it is I dont really need you or anybody else I will survive anything. All I need is myself and is God. Everything else is nice but not needed. I am thankful for all that you have helped me through.
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Closed Thread |
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