Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Please stay safe, jDNA. I know your T cares, and we do, too...

I'm really sad and I wish t would talk to me. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

But he wont.
Cuz I'm being bad

I felt far away from you today. I was so wound up in my pain that I couldn't even look at you. I feel worthless, and as a result, I am having thoughts about how you couldn't care less about me or my pain. This thought sounds as if it's an angry one, but it's not. There's no reason you should care.

I am nobody special. The fact that I am in pain does not mean anybody has to care. I have a lot of experience of my pain not mattering to anyone. I am perhaps a little bitter about that, but not angry. I'm just one of millions of people who have suffered. There's nothing unique about suffering.

I am not like your other client. I am not capable of building the life you speak about. I don't even feel the desire to do so. That just seems so far beyond my frame of reference and accustomed inclinations that I can't picture it. When I hope for anything, it is that life can be tolerable. I hope that my depression can be managed well enough that I am merely sad, rather than inconsolable. I hope that I am not "lucky" enough to live as long as my remaining three grandparents. I hope that tomorrow is bearable.

I wish there had been an illusion of connection with you today. I wish you were better about pretending you care. I wouldn't actually expect anything additional from you if you pretended you cared. It's just that it's rather jarring to expose one's pain to someone and be met with neutrality. It's also very triggering to me due to my history. Your reaction to me sometimes bears a closer resemblance to childhood abusers than to those who have not hurt me. Outside of therapy, most people are willing to pretend to care about the suffering of others. I appreciate your authenticity, yet it leaves me feeling like I am lacking some crucial component needed to be cared about. I wish you would pretend.

It's been 6 days. 7 more to go. Not that I'm counting.

Please don't make me go back to once a week. This sucks. Granted, I won't be visiting my father most weeks, but I think it would still suck.

Tomorrow is your last session with your T. I know you probably think I forgot, but I didn't. Just because you've forgotten me and no longer care, doesn't mean I'm the same. You actually did mean something to me, I did really care, I wasn't acting.

At any rate, I hope it goes well. I hope all the best for you in life. I miss you, I miss our chats, I miss our walks... do you miss any of it? LOL of course not... I'm just a pathetic loser from your past. You are probably partying since I'm not in your life, yet you wanted to keep a co worker who you openly said was "mean to you" simply because he lives close. BS.

Dear Former T and current T:
I wish you, either of you, would be that person that cared. Cause then maybe it would make a difference. Kit.

oh, t. i should have known you had a reason why (probably) you didn't text, and why it took you a couple of days to respond to the e-mail, but i figured you just threw your phone in your purse and would look at it next week. thanks for being there for me. one more long day. i can do it, right?

i'm pretty sure i could never say that word out loud to my T, nor anyone!

We spent two hours together today. It was awesome. We've also never sat that close to each other before.

I get to see you on Saturday again. Is it too much to hope for a hug?

I'm worried about the spider who lives in the roof window in our front room. She's been there for years. I named her Cecilia.

The other day I took a blanket down that was hanging on a beam next to the window... my partner says her web was attached to it and maybe I pulled her down with it. I can't bear the thought that I harmed her. Last night I dreamt that I saw her in her usual spot and it was such a relief. But it was a dream, she's not there.

Sometimes I wonder how I'm supposed to live in this world.

Hey Riddle,

Thanks for owning and explaining your part in what went down last week. It makes me feel like I can trust you. (Maybe. Probably? Unclear.) And it keeps me from feeling ashamed, keeps me from feeling like everything is my fault.

And it’s nice to hear you say that bearing witness to my suffering in a way that feels good to me incites nice feelings in you as well. I suppose it could just be your drive to prove your worth... but I dunno, maybe this is wishful thinking but it felt like what you were saying is that you feel almost a little protective, paternal. And that feels nice to me.

I’ll try to learn to get what I need from imperfect caregiving.

-moi

what's going on with T?

I AM GOING TO ACT OUT

Edit: wtf, we can't do all-caps?

NOW you can.

No, I literally wrote "I am going to act out" in all caps and it converted my enraged declaration into the spineless specimen you see before you.

What kind of T breaks up a family and causes great turmoil for their clients?

I mean who would do something that vicious?

I hope you like salty tea!

I understand. I meant, that after you added some lowercase stuff to your post, it would let you keep your caps. Thats why i wrote NOW you can. I like to teach by example. I'm old.

Ohhhh. Thanks, una.