Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I'm looking forward to getting back in routine. Miss you.

I miss you so much. Sometimes reading this forum is a special kind of torture.

4 more days.
Not that I miss you.
That would be stupid.
I'm still mad at you.
Maybe I'll "journal" about being mad at you to convince myself that I hate you and I don't need you and you're going to abandon me (again) anyway.
That way I'll stop not-missing you.

I just wrote you the hardest email of my life. Part of me really wants to talk about everything I wrote, the other part of me wants to forget everything I wrote, now that you know.

Remember when I was applying for jobs last year and having a hard time forcing myself to fill out applications? You told me to pick a specific date and time to start and to text you when I was done. This year, I managed to do it all on my own.

Well, it's true that, while I submitted more applications this year, I actually filled out fewer that require essay answers. The non-essay ones are obviously easy.

Anyway, I thought you would maybe be proud of me. This doesn't mean I don't need you. I still need you. I will always need you.

Dear Info,

So after 14 1/2 months off, I sh’d last night. Nothing major, just a few drops of blood.

Why? I was climbing the walls with anxiety, needed to sleep, Ativan wasn’t working. The sh calmed me right down and put me to sleep.

I imagine I won’t be telling you this. I can be disappointed enough in myself on my own.

ATAT

When you said it hurt to hear me say those cruel things about myself,
Oh, so now you're going to express empathy? Now you're going to say my pain hurts you?
What do you think I was saying to myself when you abandoned me like that? Do you think that was a walk in the ****ing park? Nothing I was saying Friday hurt me nearly as much as what you did. And what you did reinforced all of those beliefs.
Do you have any idea what I spent that next month saying to myself? You certainly have some idea what I spent that time doing to myself.
Or do you just shut off your empathy when I talk about that because you know that was your fault?

Yeah, I did it to myself. You didn't make me do any of those things. But you didn't make me say those things about myself that Friday either. And at least those things weren't a direct result of your **** up.

You don't get to feel hurt by the cruel things I tell myself.
You don't get to care because you hurt me.

I really hate thinking about the fact I may have been sexually abused. Sure part of me wants explanations for things. The thing is its hard to sit there and listen to it though. All the chatter that pops in my head saying things like I want to die, i dont want to be here. I really do want to be there. I want to work on things. That creepy feeling I feel inside stinks though. I dont even know what word to call that feeling. I stare at the picture of that little wave on the wall of your office thinking this isnt good. Im afraid if I remember something really bad I wont be able to cope at the group home. Im afraid it will change my relationship with family which is already strained. Most of all if these memories come flooding in who is going to hold me and tell me its ok. Sure I can go to my safe place, I can use grounding, I can do art, I can excercise etc. and I am 42 but its not the same. Through the help of someone else I have come to the conclusion you have good reason to suspect my parents. I cant even cope with that, that well. How can I cope with more? I dont want to go to the hospital again. I have a 15 year old daughter I cant see if I go back. I havent seen her in two years. I want to hug her, tell her I love her etc. I cant if I am in the hospital again which is ridiculous but you know its stipulation. I want to know. I want to give up. I want to be free but I have been caged so long I wouldnt know how to live free.

I am so sorry Raine... I am selective which threads I read and respond to. Some are just to painful.

The waiting is the hardest part.

I hope it’s just food poisoning and not the flu... I want to be able to see you this week!

Dear T,

I wish I could talk to you. To anyone. I want to say things to you that matter, and I want you to know me, and other people to know me. I want you to know me and understand, and I want to feel like it's ok. Like it's not wrong to feel sad or angry, or hurt by something normal that someone did years ago, like my best friend getting a boyfriend and spending less time with me. Or give me a decent answer to why I couldn't have friends. Why there's some totally understandable reason why everyone stopped talking to me after some length of time, not just "that's what you believe". I want you to like me. I want to matter to someone. I want you to be able to help me and to help me. I want to feel safe, but nobody can do that, even you, and it's your job.

C

I don't understand how any human being could hurt me this much. Then again, they may not be human after all. They may be a totally different species appearing to us in the human form. Empty inside without heart or soul.

Happy new year

Another sleepless night because of you. All you know how to do is LIE, cheat, scheme and LIE some more. When is someone going to put a stop to this?

New Year's Eve.

That January date casts a hell of a shadow.

So this is the dream I had last night.

F**k new year. I'll just pretend it isn't happening.

I need to pull myself together

I hung up the picture on the wall. It got me wondering if you actually kept the stuff you said you would, and what you did with it? I assume it's boxed away so you don't have to think of me and the other "jobs" you had..... but maybe there's a small chance, you kept something out