Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I love you too...
I hope tomorrow's session feels better than today's did. I don't know why they've been so off lately.

Dear T
Just b*gger off

5 ...
Please don't be running late today. A couple minutes early would be nice.

I wrote myself a reminder to email you today, L. But I won't. It will be something to explore on Tuesday, though. I also hope you received my file from Pollyanna and reviewed it.

I don't really miss him, but I miss the therapist type that he is. You just don't strike me as that type. Perhaps I'm wrong.

i hope your T IS bothered by it. mine would be.

We're still dancing around the word trauma
Why won't you just use the word
"Permanent changes to my brain" and "higher cortisol levels"
You're describing trauma
So why can't you just call it that
I can't bring myself to ask
I need you to be the one to say it

Can I see you every day? Would that even make a difference in how God awful I feel lately? I want to tell you that But I can't bring myself to say it.

I hate you and your obsession with abuse! I don't need to process anything! I'm fine! Don't look at me!

**** off!

Ok, now I feel bad. I don't actually hate you. Not that I would ever express such a thing to you irl, let alone curse you out. But my rage got a bit incandescent there for a minute and I wanted to pretend how I feel is your fault. Stay tuned for another 180, though.

It gets frustrating that you always seem to think I mean it in a romantic or sexual way
Like I get how you would think that the first time, and if it was ET I'd appreciate the appropriate and non judgemental response
But this is like the fifth time I've told you that it's not at all romantic or sexual
Do you forget? Do you think it might have changed every time it comes up? Do you not believe me?
My denial of it has always been firm and unequivocal without being overly defensive.

Maybe next session I'll have to bite the bullet and explain what I actually do mean. It feels so pathetic though. I know the grass is always greener or whatever, but I honestly think I might feel less ashamed if it was ET instead.

(I'm not getting any creepy red flag vibes, it seems like you're genuinely trying to be understanding and non judgemental and not make me feel ashamed. I don't think you want it to be ET. You just don't seem to get that "dirty" and "disgusting" and "wanting things that are wrong for me to want" really truly isn't about ET for me. It's about wanting to be cared for like a child, not like an adult.)

I drafted that email but didn't send it.

What annoys me is you said you wont give me the reassurances I want. (Which is all verbal just checking in she is still there/listening) So you have decided for me what is best for me.

Btw all reassurances are strictly in session
. We have called a handful of times over 2 years, shared about 4 emails? We do text occasionally but Its 90% scheduling.

Plenty of people in my life have been physically present and not mentally so no your mere physical presence isnt always enough even though you think it "should" be. You are not the judge of what helps me

You have caused me & my extended family enormous pain and suffering. I wish I never met you. I wish I was warned about you. Even after you knew how much you hurt me, you continued to do so. What kind of therapist continues to hurt a client long after???

What has your T done to you and your family? You seem to be in lot of pain with this thing.

Why is all this crazy **** happening to me now that we can't talk

I need to buy more decaf coffee. I'm getting more anxious again.

YouTube

3 days, 22 hours, 24 minutes and 48 seconds

Sometimes I wish I could ask you why you asked the question question you did. I know I can ask you anything and you will answer honestly. But some of the questions I feel like your answer would be the answer to you question would make me very vulnerable. For example when I brought up attachment issues and you asked where in my life I feel this happens. What I wanted to say was that it happened wi th a lot of people but right now the major issue is with you. Instead I was more vague and mentioned pretty much everywhere from family, coworkers, people at church and friends. Then I said that I have really been really struggling with this the last few months because of losses. I even mentioned being worried about getting reattached to psych np. Since she has been out on medical leave.

I am still wondering if you were indirectly asking about yourself so that we could discuss it without putting me on the spot of trying to say the right thing and protect your feelings if it didnt include to.

Yup it scared the crap out of my especially after what happened with T.