Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

JaneTennison1 · Jan 04, 2019 at 12:57 PM

Dear t

I think I have to cancel my next appointment . I'm waiting u til Monday to decide /text as I dont want it to be a gut reaction.

Something isnt sitting right and I need to figure out what it is.

Echos Myron redux · Jan 04, 2019 at 01:18 PM

Don't not reply. That really wouldn't be good.

circlesincircles · Jan 04, 2019 at 01:19 PM

Should have cancelled.

Lemoncake · Jan 04, 2019 at 01:21 PM

Well I lasted 18 days before I emailed R:

Quote:

Hi

From S.

Elio · Jan 04, 2019 at 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LabRat27

SH tw, fairly graphic

Possible trigger:

P.S. I've been hurting myself again because of the shame and disgust with myself for my transference/attachment/longing to be cared about.
Not in a medically serious way. I don't trust myself to cut with the intensity of this self loathing.
But I've been basically beating the **** out of myself. Which in a way is almost worse. I don't pull my punches. It's visceral and restrained true self loathing.
And I'm so disgusting and pathetic that I want you to be upset by this. I want you to be bothered by the idea. I want to see that you truly don't believe that I deserve this cruelty.
Don't give me what I want. It will only reinforce the behavior. And I'll be disgusted with myself for having let myself get what I wanted.
But then again, if you don't seem bothered I'll hate myself for having let myself hope that you might be.

You have stated several times that you do not want your T to give attention towards your SH because you feel it will only reinforce the behavior. I have been wondering if you have historical data to support that hypothesis or is it a gut feeling? I ask because there are things I want but tell my T not to do or give me because I feel it would be bad, confusing, or reinforce behavior that I think is bad. Within myself, I'm wondering if I am withholding from myself something that would show caring simply because I don't want to have to "deal" with someone caring about me (there's so much more to that, trying to keep it simple here). Do you think anything like that is in play for you, like if he somehow acknowledges how significant your SH is while not judging you or your action of SH... then maybe you'll have to accept that in terms of SH, your quantity/quality is significant, the act itself is not "bad" and the act does not define you as being "bad". Therefore, challenging your internal beliefs about yourself?

ok, not sure if I'm making sense here.

Echos Myron redux · Jan 04, 2019 at 04:21 PM

Well thanks for the reply, but I don't feel better. I don't know what I want from you. Maybe therapy is just becoming cyclical.

Elio · Jan 04, 2019 at 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

Well thanks for the reply, but I don't feel better. I don't know what I want from you. Maybe therapy is just becoming cyclical.

Have you noticed any changes with each cycle? I think therapy might be somewhat cyclical (or spiral) with different thing emerging or feeling different each time around. Or at least that is how it feels for those topics that are cyclical for me. Each time around something different comes out of it, like I'm able to talk more directly about it or it doesn't hurt as much.

SlumberKitty · Jan 04, 2019 at 04:45 PM

Please please please please please respond to me rather quickly. Thanks. Kit

toomanycats · Jan 04, 2019 at 04:51 PM

I love you I love you I love you I love you

RaineD · Jan 04, 2019 at 05:50 PM

T!!!!!!
I just got a job offer. Totally unexpected because I thought there was going to be a second round of interviews. Also, it's not my ideal location, but the move might be good for me. But I'm not sure if I want to leave my current job for that job. Also, I have my second interview at a more desirable location next Monday.

When I got the offer, I panicked and told him I would get back to him on Monday. GAH! I don't know what I was thinking. My other interview is on Monday, and there's no way I can let them know by Monday.

I don't know if I want to move. I'll have to leave all my friends. What if I can't make new friends at the new location, and it's so far from civilization. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, T! I need to talk to you. I need you. I can't make big life decisions on my own. Help me?

Echos Myron redux · Jan 04, 2019 at 07:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elio

Have you noticed any changes with each cycle? I think therapy might be somewhat cyclical (or spiral) with different thing emerging or feeling different each time around. Or at least that is how it feels for those topics that are cyclical for me. Each time around something different comes out of it, like I'm able to talk more directly about it or it doesn't hurt as much.

Well yeah, I have made lots of progress in lots of ways so I'm sure it's not exactly the same. If just feels like repetition sometimes y'know? It gets tiring getting upset with him about stupid stuff and feeling weird about him after EVERY break. Why do I have to go through this again and again, it's so stupid.

Elio · Jan 04, 2019 at 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

Well yeah, I have made lots of progress in lots of ways so I'm sure it's not exactly the same. If just feels like repetition sometimes y'know? It gets tiring getting upset with him about stupid stuff and feeling weird about him after EVERY break. Why do I have to go through this again and again, it's so stupid.

If I knew the answer to that, then maybe I wouldn't do the same thing, and maybe I could become rich.

I'm sorry that this is hard for you (and for all of us that it is hard for). It sucks, no doubt about it.

velcro003 · Jan 04, 2019 at 10:19 PM

hey t: sorry for the email, but just feel gross.

velcro003 · Jan 04, 2019 at 11:04 PM

oh t: your replies sometimes are perfect. thank you. see you tuesday.

LabRat27 · Jan 05, 2019 at 02:06 AM

I wrote it all out
I still couldn't bring myself to write out any specifics as they relate to you
But hopefully this will finally make you understand that it's not ****ing romantic or sexual and why I'm so adamant that it's not that at all
It's that I want you to care and react the way you would if I was a seven or ten year old child. I want to evoke paternal protective and nurturing instincts.
That's the longing that feels so deeply shameful and disgusting and repulsive

Obviously I'm not reading this one out loud. I'll be curled up in my usual ball of shame while you read it. 67 hours.

LabRat27 · Jan 05, 2019 at 04:21 AM

Possible trigger:

and a stupid little part of me still has some pathetic little bit of hope that maybe you'll tell me you do feel like that about me sometimes. That you do see and react to the vulnerable and hurt child.
I just want you to want to hug me, even if you wouldn't act on the urge.
That it's okay for me to want that.

I'd settle for being told that it's understandable given my history and that it's not shameful and disgusting and wrong, though.

Echos Myron redux · Jan 05, 2019 at 07:58 AM

I don't want to reply to you because I don't want to tell you I am questioning the point of therapy at the moment. I suspect this is indicative of some relevant issue we can work on but it's an uncomfortable spot to be in in the meantime.

junkDNA · Jan 05, 2019 at 08:54 AM

Hey there mr. Dr. Therapy man

DP_2017 · Jan 05, 2019 at 09:44 AM

Today is not good. I can't stop obsessing about the people you have replaced me with. How you said in that one email that brought me to tears, that I was not replaceable. I stupidly believed it, of course I am. You proved that.

I really wish we could talk. I have so much to update you on and I'm dying to know how your life is. I wish someone had told me before I started therapy, that in the end, I'd feel like a worthless loser because I am treated like a child and not "allowed" to talk to someone. So ridiculous. Sucks your anxiety and lack in trust in me were so high. I thought I meant more to you to than that, but you fooled me

Jan 05, 2019 at 09:58 AM

I'm sure your explanation will be a doozy. Too bad it's more than just one issue. You brought this all on yourself with your selfish games. The superficial way you treat everyone. Life is not one big joke as you seem to believe. Maybe someday it will hit home with you but I guess not today.

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

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JaneTennison1 Magnate Member Since Aug 2014 Location: US Posts: 2,202 9 121 hugs given	Jan 04, 2019 at 12:57 PM #741 Dear t I think I have to cancel my next appointment . I'm waiting u til Monday to decide /text as I dont want it to be a gut reaction. Something isnt sitting right and I need to figure out what it is.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,161 6 1,834 hugs given	Jan 04, 2019 at 01:18 PM #742 Don't not reply. That really wouldn't be good.

circlesincircles Member Member Since May 2018 Location: United States Posts: 303 5	Jan 04, 2019 at 01:19 PM #743 Should have cancelled.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,161 6 1,834 hugs given	Jan 04, 2019 at 04:21 PM #746 Well thanks for the reply, but I don't feel better. I don't know what I want from you. Maybe therapy is just becoming cyclical.

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Jan 04, 2019 at 04:45 PM #748 Please please please please please respond to me rather quickly. Thanks. Kit

toomanycats Grand Poohbah Member Since May 2017 Location: USA Posts: 1,734 6 542 hugs given	Jan 04, 2019 at 04:51 PM #749 I love you I love you I love you I love you

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Jan 04, 2019 at 10:19 PM #753 hey t: sorry for the email, but just feel gross.

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Jan 04, 2019 at 11:04 PM #754 oh t: your replies sometimes are perfect. thank you. see you tuesday.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,161 6 1,834 hugs given	Jan 05, 2019 at 07:58 AM #757 I don't want to reply to you because I don't want to tell you I am questioning the point of therapy at the moment. I suspect this is indicative of some relevant issue we can work on but it's an uncomfortable spot to be in in the meantime.

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Jan 05, 2019 at 08:54 AM #758 Hey there mr. Dr. Therapy man __________________

Anonymous59275 Guest Posts: n/a	Jan 05, 2019 at 09:58 AM #760 I'm sure your explanation will be a doozy. Too bad it's more than just one issue. You brought this all on yourself with your selfish games. The superficial way you treat everyone. Life is not one big joke as you seem to believe. Maybe someday it will hit home with you but I guess not today.