Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

ChickenNoodleSoup · Jan 12, 2019 at 01:44 PM

I‘m scared to text you. I’m drunk, high and feel like I’m about to break down.

Possible trigger:

I want to burn myself to relax.

Lemoncake · Jan 12, 2019 at 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup

I‘m scared to text you. I’m drunk, high and feel like I’m about to break down.

Possible trigger:

I want to burn myself to relax.

Please reach out to T if it helps keep you safe.

Lemoncake · Jan 12, 2019 at 02:28 PM

I'm numbed out, and all I can say is that I'm sorry.

17 days to my final winter exam number 3.

susannahsays · Jan 12, 2019 at 02:34 PM

I don't want to get up! I'm depressed! Everything is your fault!

LabRat27 · Jan 12, 2019 at 03:37 PM

Sometimes I wish I'd ended up with a different therapist. Sometimes I think you don't really have enough experience with CPTSD or BPD to be what I need.

winterblues17 · Jan 12, 2019 at 03:42 PM

My point about ppl leaving was proven right

DP_2017 · Jan 12, 2019 at 04:36 PM

Today has been hell. I hate that I'm not good enough to even speak to you anymore. I could use your funny jokes right about now. BS "ethics"

Nik87 · Jan 12, 2019 at 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LabRat27

Possible trigger:

Rationally objectively I think you should have been able to confidently say yes, it was worse than average.

You acknowledged the selection bias in the childhoods you hear about.

But even then you should be able to say that a child spending years of their life being terrorized by a parent on a daily basis is not average.
Average childhoods do not involve constant overwhelming feelings of powerlessness. Average childhoods do not involve being your mother's sole confidante at ten years old. Average childhoods do not involve feeling absolutely completely totally alone. Average childhoods do not involve 5 year long divorces or professionals who side with the abuser and force the child to go back week after week. Average childhoods do not involve being begged by your sibling to spend more time at your abuser's house because he's nicer when you're around (because your abuser had finally given up trying to control you by force and was now trying a new tactic). Average childhoods involve some degree of praise from a parental figure. Average childhoods do not involve hiding anything you're proud of from your parents because you know they'll only have criticism.

Are you really saying you can't say whether that's even worse than average?
I know you think it shouldn't matter but it matters to me.

You have been on my mind. I just want to tell you that what you went through was traumatic and much worse than the average childhood. I know that I have the grounds to say this because my childhood consisted of every type of abuse there was. My teen years were also spent in captivity were I endured torture. I can say that the thing that has caused me the most long term pain is the emotional abuse/neglect. In my opinion, there is nothing worse. When I was starved, I would fantasize about somebody picking me up and comforting me more than I would think about food. I am so sorry that you know what it feels like to have gone without emotional care and love. I really do believe that there is nothing worse than going through that as a child. Also - some T's don't label things. He just simply might not want to label anything as trauma or worse than. But don't let that make you feel down. Speaking from a trauma expert here - what you went through was absolutely traumatic. And I'm so sorry.

Out There · Jan 12, 2019 at 06:49 PM

I'm angry with you now , transference angry. How can you work for that POS ? It makes you just as bad. I never want to hear that I can learn to trust again. Just no.

Anastasia~ · Jan 12, 2019 at 07:09 PM

I feel so pathological. I feel like I keep somehow ruining everything/everybody in my life. I have no idea as to a logical description of what is wrong with me. I want so badly to not put you through the agony that my pathology causes me. Although, I desperately need to see you next week. Between these part and my pathological part, I have no choice but to remain in a complete standstill. My pathological part apparently likes to torture me, and anyone else I guess. I desperately need to work through this. I feel like you are the only one who can help me with this, and I feel like that is not an option. I don't know. Maybe I am just crazy.

growlycat · Jan 12, 2019 at 07:49 PM

Why can’t I translate the good thing we have in therapy to outside relationships

piggy momma · Jan 12, 2019 at 07:50 PM

My anxiety has abated but now I don't even want to see you on Tuesday. Why is therapy such a mind-*****.

Echos Myron redux · Jan 12, 2019 at 07:52 PM

I miss you. But it's okay.

DP_2017 · Jan 12, 2019 at 07:53 PM

A month is long enough to be punished for who I am. I don't want to talk to all these other people, I want to talk to you.

DP_2017 · Jan 12, 2019 at 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlycat

Why can’t I translate the good thing we have in therapy to outside relationships

I'd say because sometimes two people just click, there's that "thing" does not matter what they do for a job... people are people. No different than hanging out with a group and only really hitting it off with one.

susannahsays · Jan 12, 2019 at 08:01 PM

I'm having a **** day and I think I've just screwed myself out of $250. I HATE MY LIFE.

velcro003 · Jan 12, 2019 at 10:04 PM

i just had a thought, T. pdoc asked if you were worried about me, and i just shrugged. i have no clue, but i am leaning towards no. then he asked if he should be worried about me, and i said no because i am not about to jump off a bridge right after the appointment. i find it odd that pdoc or T would worry unless maybe i was suicidal. i should probably write this in my journal for us to talk about, but its too far away and i am quite cozy on my couch.

LabRat27 · Jan 13, 2019 at 02:27 AM

Maybe I should quit
Maybe I should give up on all of this
I gave it a shot, it didn't work out. I tried.

elisewin · Jan 13, 2019 at 03:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LabRat27

Maybe I should quit
Maybe I should give up on all of this
I gave it a shot, it didn't work out. I tried.

I see big changes and progress in you. You have done enormous amount of work already. It IS working out. Your T (or any T or any person) will always at times react or say something less than ideal, but you will get through this as well.

Jan 13, 2019 at 04:12 AM

There is no relief in sight. You took everything from me and gave nothing in return. I ask you what do I say when people insult me and nothing....just recently another insult disguised as a compliment...and I said thank you. Some way to live isn't it?

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

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ChickenNoodleSoup Grand Poohbah Member Since Apr 2017 Location: In a land far far away Posts: 1,575 7 1,305 hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 01:44 PM #961 I‘m scared to text you. I’m drunk, high and feel like I’m about to break down. Possible trigger: I want to burn myself to relax.

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,718 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 02:28 PM #963 I'm numbed out, and all I can say is that I'm sorry. 17 days to my final winter exam number 3. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 02:34 PM #964 I don't want to get up! I'm depressed! Everything is your fault!

LabRat27 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2018 Location: CA Posts: 1,009 6 2,354 hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 03:37 PM #965 Sometimes I wish I'd ended up with a different therapist. Sometimes I think you don't really have enough experience with CPTSD or BPD to be what I need.

winterblues17 Member Member Since Nov 2017 Location: UK Posts: 379 6 62 hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 03:42 PM #966 My point about ppl leaving was proven right

DP_2017 Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2017 Location: A house Posts: 4,412 6 665 hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 04:36 PM #967 Today has been hell. I hate that I'm not good enough to even speak to you anymore. I could use your funny jokes right about now. BS "ethics" __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love.

Out There Legendary Member Since Oct 2015 Location: England Posts: 11,355 (SuperPoster!) 8 14.6k hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 06:49 PM #969 I'm angry with you now , transference angry. How can you work for that POS ? It makes you just as bad. I never want to hear that I can learn to trust again. Just no. __________________ "Trauma happens - so does healing "

growlycat Therapy Ninja Member Since Jan 2007 Location: How did I get here? Posts: 10,308 17 16.1k hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 07:49 PM #971 Why can’t I translate the good thing we have in therapy to outside relationships

piggy momma Poohbah Member Since Oct 2018 Location: Canada Posts: 1,073 5 70 hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 07:50 PM #972 My anxiety has abated but now I don't even want to see you on Tuesday. Why is therapy such a mind-*****.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,162 6 1,834 hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 07:52 PM #973 I miss you. But it's okay.

DP_2017 Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2017 Location: A house Posts: 4,412 6 665 hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 07:53 PM #974 A month is long enough to be punished for who I am. I don't want to talk to all these other people, I want to talk to you. __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love.

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Jan 12, 2019 at 08:01 PM #976 I'm having a **** day and I think I've just screwed myself out of $250. I HATE MY LIFE.

LabRat27 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2018 Location: CA Posts: 1,009 6 2,354 hugs given	Jan 13, 2019 at 02:27 AM #978 Maybe I should quit Maybe I should give up on all of this I gave it a shot, it didn't work out. I tried.

Anonymous59275 Guest Posts: n/a	Jan 13, 2019 at 04:12 AM #980 There is no relief in sight. You took everything from me and gave nothing in return. I ask you what do I say when people insult me and nothing....just recently another insult disguised as a compliment...and I said thank you. Some way to live isn't it?