[MRT6211]

Tomorrow (well...I guess today...in like 8 hours...but I haven’t slept yet...) I have session with T, and after the rough session we had and subsequent rough week I had after that (including drunk emailing T, which she was very unhappy about), I’m nervous about this appointment. We talked a couple of days after session last week about the drunk email and whatnot, so that’s water under the bridge now, but I’m still nervous. Mostly because I’m scared of connecting with T, and I’m worried that we will have a tough session tomorrow and that will make me connect. Or, on the flip side, I’m worried that I once again won’t get what I need out of the session, and I’ll be left feeling all alone in life again. So basically...no matter how this session goes, I feel like I’ll be upset. So much of me wants to no-show, but I’ve never done that before, and I don’t plan to start now. I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to sleep tonight. So much anxiety about going to therapy...I feel like that shouldn’t be a thing...

[MRT6211]

I’m legitimately curled up in a ball right now in crisis mode because I’m so scared. I think I’m just afraid that T will hurt me. Or that I’m going to get upset and overwhelmed during session again at the end and then I’m gonna have to leave like that and everything is going to be just as bad as last time. I’m just afraid all of the time now, though, of nothing in particular. I have spent way more time than I care to admit curled up in a ball in my closet, most of the time crying hysterically, some of the time completely dissociated. I feel like I need to hide. All of the time. I live alone. There is no one to hide from. Maybe I’m hiding from myself. I don’t know anymore. I feel like I’m losing my mind, and I don’t feel like this is something that T will be able to help me with. I don’t think therapy is working at all for me right now. I almost feel as if I’m the last 6 months, therapy has only made me worse. After ExT left for another job after telling me over and over that she wasn’t going anywhere, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust another T again. Especially because for awhile ExT and I would email but lately she hasn’t been replying. Probably because I drunk emailed her, too. I’m so freaking stupid and worthless. I ruin everything that’s good in my life. I hate myself just like most other people do, too. My life is falling apart and I don’t even care to fix it anymore. I just want to disappear.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Does your T know how much you're struggling currently? I think it'd be a good idea to tell her that you were afraid of therapy today and that you cry a lot, dissociate and so on. It sounds like you're going through a really rough time. It could of course be that therapy is currently not the right thing for you, but maybe you also just need more support and a change of pace in your sessions?

I hope your session goes well and that your T can somehow help you to relax for a while

[MRT6211]

Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup

Does your T know how much you're struggling currently? I think it'd be a good idea to tell her that you were afraid of therapy today and that you cry a lot, dissociate and so on. It sounds like you're going through a really rough time. It could of course be that therapy is currently not the right thing for you, but maybe you also just need more support and a change of pace in your sessions?

I hope your session goes well and that your T can somehow help you to relax for a while

She knows, I just don’t know if she realizes the extent. I haven’t really talked much to her in person about it, but I’ve written to her about it. I’m sure we will talk about it, I’m just so anxious about doing that.
And I got really dysregulated and engaged in unhealthy behaviors so now I’m even more afraid for session. She’s going to be so disappointed in me.

[piggy momma]

I hope your session goes well for you. And I totally understand the anxiety - I’ve been there. What I’ve learned tho, is that it’s ok to have those feelings, and therapy is the perfect place to unpack them. Do you trust your T? I’ve learmed the more I trust my T, the less I have those feelings, and when I do, I’m actually super eager to talk to him about them.

I think things will be ok for you. And while she certainly won’t encourage or even condone destructive behaviours, I think she’ll be more interested in helping you than anything. I wouldn’t worry about disapproval.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs...I've been there, and I know how difficult it can be to dread a session. Recently I also went through a period where I wondered if therapy was actually making me worse. Or did I maybe need a different T, even temporarily? I talked about that with my T, which seemed to help. (I decided to get through the holidays while still seeing him and reevaluate next month.) Have you told her about those particular concerns, that therapy isn't working for you? Maybe it's something about her approach that she could shift a bit? I'd also talk about the actual effects it's having on you, the getting dysregulated and engaging in unhealthy behaviors (and telling her what those are). I hope your session goes well...

[SalingerEsme]

Your fear and dread transmit through your words and I am so sorry. I've spent time in my closet too, and it is a sign of slippage, slipping into a world of dissociation for me. I really hope your T hears and sees you. Her job isn't to sit in judgement of you or be disappointed in you, but to join with you where you are. I hope she digs down deep enough to sit in the closet next to you metaphorically.

[Rive.]

You're not stupid or worthless. You are in pain and in need of support.

I hope your session went well and that T was able to reach out to you.

[SalingerEsme]

How did it go, MRT?

[SlumberKitty]

I hope it went well.

[MRT6211]

Hey all, session yesterday went fairly well. We talked about some things that’s were botheing me and how we could approach some things in the future. She told me she wasn’t going to get into deep/hard stuff because I just left town for the holidays and she’s only going to be in on Wednesday next week, so I’ll talk to her on the phone for a little while then, but it won’t be a full session. She has pointed out to me that she has noticed that when I’m on break from school, I tend to struggle more, probably because I have more time to ruminate/nothing else to focus on. She said given that I’m largely going to be on my own for the next 2 weeks, that she did not want to delve into anything deep and hard, especially because I’ve been struggling lately. While part of me wanted to go there because I want to heal those wounds, most of me is very glad that we didn’t. It wasn’t the right time. It’s just hard to find a time that’s right with how busy my schedule is. She said she thinks that the reason why I was feeling so dysregulated is because I have been vulnerable with her lately and I’m feeling really exposed, so that’s why I needed to build up those walls. I tend to agree with that. I think I tried to convince myself that she was unreliable and didn’t care about me by doing something that I knew the consequences would be that she wouldn’t contact me when I asked and needed her, and then being like “see! She wasn’t there for me when I needed her! I was right!” Of course, this was a subconscious thing, but that’s how I’m making sense of it right now. It was another way of pushing away. The reality is that if I don’t engage in behavior before reaching out, she will always get back to me before she leaves, even if she has to stay a little late because she has no other time. She always has and is very reliable, in reality. It’s just hard to trust a T again. And also when we had that bad session where she pushed too hard without knowing it, it reminded me a lot of one of my former Ts, the one that kinda ended up driving me into the ground and helping me derail my life because she traumatized me under the name of “psychodynamic therapy.” The difference was that the former T pushed me overly hard every session and I always left there feeling suicidal and like I wanted to self-harm, and when I told her, she told me that therapy wasn’t supposed to make me feel good. With this current T, it was just this once and now she’s learned from it and my body language and how to work with me better, and is adapting to meet me where I’m at. I think I just freaked out because I thought current T was going down the path of former T. One thing that is making me feel fairly exposed right now is that now my current T asks about every little mark she sees on my arms and if it’s self harm. I get why and I know she has to do this, but I feel vulnerable when she asks. At the same time, it makes me feel like she cares about me. And she didn’t get mad at me over self harming the night before our appointment, although she didn’t acknowledge the behavior too much, moreso we talked about why it happened and such.
She is a good T...I am starting to want to open up to her again...I’m still scared though...she has the potential to make me feel safe and protected, or completely ruin me again, and I hate the second possibility...