[Merope]

I'm not sure what I am trying to get out of this post. I think I just need the space to write this thought out.

I have an extremely difficult relationship with my parents in general and mother in particular. I'm not going to get into details because there is no point, but until meeting my T and building a relationship with him, I always thought I was the worst person in the whole world for talking back at my mum and "hurting" her. My mum loves me very much, there is no doubt about that. But there have been episodes of emotional abuse in my childhood. Gaslighting, covert sexual behaviour that was inappropriate, complete disregard for personal boundaries and control. My mother is a narcissist who is unable to see anyone else's point of view. If you challenge her interpretation of something, then you have personally wronged her and it is your fault that she feels bad. Or maybe you are mad or stupid and there is something wrong with you for not seeing her POV. When she is ill, it is your fault for upsetting her.

I am feeling extremely stressed and exhausted right now. I'm trying to calm down my health anxiety which has convinced me that I probably have a serious and incapacitating neurological disease. I feel like my family is falling apart and it's my fault for having been angry or disrespectful or vicious. I feel like I am a failure and that I don't deserve anything that I have because I am not thankful. I feel like I am wasting my 20s for not being "happier" or "stronger". Sometimes I feel so sad that I could die. Most days, I just want to go to sleep so that I can catch my breath a little bit. I'm back at work the day after tomorrow and I genuinely have no idea how I will juggle everything else on top of it.

But I AM thankful. I am thankful for having T in my life and thankful that I have a safe little bubble that's just mine and his and that he doesn't blame me or shout at me, or demonize me as my parents do. I am thankful for the quasi-parent he has become to me. I am thankful that he understands me, and I am thankful that he has been able to open my eyes with regards to some things that I didn't see before. The knowledge that my mum is probably not fully ok mentally is a little bit of comfort when she seems to throw venom at me for daring to have my own opinion.

I'm sorry if this is mopey. I don't want to write to T because at the end of the day, this isn't new and he probably won't reply anyway. I will just wait until my next appointment. Hopefully, things would have settled down a little before then so that I can be a bit more coherent.

[DP_2017]

I relate to this my mom is the same and my T meant the world to me. Probably why I'm so lost without him now.

It's totally ok to vent. No need to apologize

[here today]

Doesn't sound mopey to me. I"ve found it very helpful to write and vent on PC, where there are people who may -- but don't "have to" -- understand. Also happy for you about the relationship you have with your T, and the feeling of safety that you have to be yourself there. For what it is worth, I think that the "bubble" concept is important. Once you have one -- I didn't with my last T but it emerged, kinda transparently, just around me, once we had worked on fragmented parts that then kinda came together.

Hope things continue to go well and that the "bubble" can grow to include more aspects of your regular life and then. . .eventually, separate with love? from your T? Seems like ideally it could happen that way, although it never did, exactly, with me. Nevertheless, having a "bubble" grounded in reality is the core idea of having a healthy sense of self, from what I understand. Sounds great that you've gotten a good start. And that you can express yourself and your experience so clearly.