[nottrustin]

I am not sure what the point of my post will be but here goes.

Yesterday, I had an early morning appointment with Emdr T normally she doesnt work on Fridays but since the last 2 Tuesdays were holidays she saw a few of us on Friday morning. I also had an appoinntment with Pdoc in the afternoon so it would be nice to not have to make the 45 mile trip one way to see them. Plus I wouldn't have to rush home after like I do on Tuesdays.

We discussed some pretty intense topics abandonment, my guilt over cutting contact with my brother, and my step dad. All very emotional but I think the most difficult deals with me cutting my brother out of my life. On one of my moms last days we discussed how in her family it was the womans who kept the family together. Of she disnt reach out to her brother or uncles we would have not seen them. So I promised her I would keep my family together. I have done the opposite. Emdr T asked if I thought if my mom knew of the safety issues of my daughter being around my mother she would have asked me to keep everybody together. If she knew of how he had changed if she would would be upset with me for doing three right thing. I told her no and that ultimately my responsibility lies in keeping my daughter and other girls who visit my home safe. Then she asked that since we know that often we logically know something but we feel differently how did we feel about what had just discussed. After a few minutes of thought I honestly told her I didnt know because she had said things in a way I have never considered. She agreed that it would be something I would need to process. It was the first time she had the clock positioned so I could see it. I suspect it was because normally I am her last appointment of the day and we always go over by 10 minutes or so. The only way I can see the clock is if I bend awkwardly. When I have apologized for going so late she tells me not to apologize. It is her responsibility to keep the time and she does. She knows the time but she enjoys working with me and there is nobody behind me. So with about 10 minutes to go I started to shift the conversation.

We discussed what I was going to do for the 3 hours that I had to kill before my appointment with pdoc. She recommended I go for a walk on a lovely walking path along the water. I decided to. I am so glad she introduced me to this place. It was so peaceful and serene.

Then I went to my next appointment. It was filled with so many mixed emotions since it was my first appointment in 3 months because she had brain surgery. While she is my med manager her school also required them to do therapy so she does medications and some therapy. It was awesome to see her and she answered lots of my question. She talked about how she was hospitalized for 2 days before here surgery for lots of testing. During that period of time she thought a lot about me a lot. She went back and forth between ethical, professional, and moral responsibility. Should she call me or not at that point she didnt know if it was cancer or not? Would it help me or make matters worse?. She knew all that I was going through with the loss of T. She also figured I would hear what was going on through my work grapevine. She didnt think I would hear it WAS cancer since it was not. Anyway she talked to one of her coworkers that is a therapist. They decided that for her benefit and healing she needed to leave work at work and focus on herself and healing. I completely agree with this but it gave me the realization that we have a great relationship and were coworker friends before I start seeing her professionally,I am still just her work. I wanted to tell her that if anything like this happens in the future, she has a release to talk to Emdr T who use to be her work friend ( last year T left that job to go into private practice) so she get a message to her to get to me. But didn't because that would probably be wrong and to needy...sigh...

Just trying to process a lot of thoughts that are swirling through my head

[coolibrarian]

Keep writing down your thoughts, whether or not you post them here.