[darkside8]

Those of you who read my most recent post will know I am currently exploring issues related to perfectionism, which has resulted in anxiety and low mood, and all of this stems somewhat from feeling not good enough/wanting to appear perfect in the eyes of others.

I have explored my past to help understand this better – one stage involves the teachers at school and how they treated me differently to other students (in a good way), but exploring further, I think they may have caused more damage than good (unintentionally)?

Here is a message one teacher wrote in my book before I left, which I have always remembered, and I wondered what you all think about this comment being written to a 16 year old. Has it played some role in how I use my determination to work ridiculously and unhealthily hard to achieve in order to feel accepted, comfortable and safe? Does it play a role in how insecure I am about my looks and how much emphasis I place on it in determining whether others like me or not? How I am socially anxious about people getting too close to me incase they see my flaws?

‘More recently I had to miss an English lesson to meet with someone from outside of school. We were chatting in the staffroom when you walked in. You had decided there was no point going to English and told me so (I disagreed but then that’s my job!). So the woman with me turned to me and said, “Ah, I see that that young lady has learnt that by being beautiful and determined she can get what she wants.” – I realised then – although I think I already knew that this was true. I hope you realise it is – in all things (Well I should say it’s not necessary to be beautiful but you are – in so many ways – so I thought it would be ok to leave that bit in!)

Another teacher also wrote how she believes my determination will help me achieve what I want in life. (Which I have been doing and have achieved, but the determination has been failing in having my deep childhood needs met)

Another teacher used to always say things like you know you are different to the other students, as well as praise my appearance.

These are all teachers who I was really close to and who generally treated me so well! They met my needs and I miss them.

My T asked if my thoughts of not making mistakes, wanting to be perfect etc are my voices or someone else’s – reckon it’s a little of their voices?

I will speak to T about those school days, but do I share the comments made?

[Waterloo12345]

Yes I vote for sharing. They shed a good light on possible explanations. Most importantly they resonate for you and you think they may be a cause. After discussion they may not be but the discussion will likely throw up something else!!

As for whose voice- for me it would be mine but it would be mine saying you did x and got y so keep on doing x.

[nottrustin]

Yes definitely share. It will help T get the full picture as ne connect the dots.

T and I did have similar conversations. On the first day of 6th grade when I introduced myself to the class the teacher rolled her eyes and said some along the lines of " great another (my maiden name) I am sure you will be just like (older brothers name)"

My older brother was also a trouble maker, failed his classes, etc. I am in my late 40s and remember the feelings I experienced as if it were yesterday. I remember deciding I would prove her wrong and be perfect and nothing like him. T talked about how that teachers voice still plays in my head.

[daisydid]

Off topic, thank you for the reminder of how influential I can be in my students' lives. I need to do a better job of being mindful of that.

On topic, I would share the comments, especially if they parallel the things you say to yourself now.

[susannahsays]

I think the message about how beautiful you are from the teacher was rather inappropriate.

However, I generally think you must have a predisposition to insecurity and perfectionism etc. in order for the messages you describe to affect you to the extent you describe. The messages that you received - that looks matter and that determination will prevail, are messages that we all receive. Many people also grow up being told they are special by their parents, but that doesn't turn them into perfectionists (often the opposite, actually).

So I guess I'm saying that I don't think the comments from teachers are the root cause of the issues you describe. Seems more likely it is your unmet childhood needs manifesting.

P.S. As for the voices, did the teachers ever criticize you? If not, I would say the voice is just your fear, not someone else's words.

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by VariableNovember

Off topic, thank you for the reminder of how influential I can be in my students' lives. I need to do a better job of being mindful of that.

On topic, I would share the comments, especially if they parallel the things you say to yourself now.

I happen to be a teacher too - going into work tomorrow onwards with this in mind!

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I think the message about how beautiful you are from the teacher was rather inappropriate.

However, I generally think you must have a predisposition to insecurity and perfectionism etc. in order for the messages you describe to affect you to the extent you describe. The messages that you received - that looks matter and that determination will prevail, are messages that we all receive. Many people also grow up being told they are special by their parents, but that doesn't turn them into perfectionists (often the opposite, actually).

So I guess I'm saying that I don't think the comments from teachers are the root cause of the issues you describe. Seems more likely it is your unmet childhood needs manifesting.

P.S. As for the voices, did the teachers ever criticize you? If not, I would say the voice is just your fear, not someone else's words.

You're right that being made to feel special does not turn everyone into perfectionists and therefore, something has gone on before that. Does this make more sense - the root is not having certain needs met during early childhood, which is why when these types of comments were made and I was treated differently, as well as receiving comfort and support during difficult times, I felt good because those needs that were not met during early childhood, such as care, safety etc were now being met? The issue this later caused was that I lost it all when I had to leave school - something I was missing for so long/wished for deep down and which I received on such an intense level, had disappeared just as fast as it was received. So ever since then, I have somehow internalised their comments to mean that in order for me to have my needs met again, I must work my darn hardest to make my efforts as perfect as possible, so others can view me as my teachers did, and thus treat me as my teachers did?

[susannahsays]

Yes, that makes sense. My point was more that the root cause wasn't the comments, and the perfectionism is symptomatic of the root cause, even if it is by way of the relationship with the teachers.

[LabRat27]

I agree with everyone else about sharing them.

I also just wanted to say that I can relate. I received a lot of the same being favored and treated as being different and special by teachers and later by others, including quite a few mental health professionals. I then felt a lot of pressure to not disappoint them and to hold myself to different standards than I hold anyone else.

From what you've shared it sounds like your teachers crossed boundaries. Even if their intentions were good it still hurt you.
I told my T about my experiences as part of a discussion about attachment, transference, and boundaries that I initiated fairly early on. I said that it had made me feel special at the time, but explained the pressure, etc. and told him that it was really important to me that he be good about maintaining boundaries. He validated my past experiences being hurtful despite others' intentions. When I said there was something about me that makes people cross boundaries with me he said that I didn't make them, that it had been their responsibility. He assured me that it was his responsibility to maintain boundaries and said something that stuck with me about children needing boundaries to feel safe. It was validating and showed me that he understood how important it was to me. He's the first therapist I've ever trusted in this regard.

Idk if you have similar feelings about it, but either way it's a good idea to discuss it with your T. Even if it's just so that he's aware that something is a trigger for you so that he doesn't unintentionally trigger that with a similar comment.
And it might help explain where your voices come from. Like even if it's your voice, it's something you learned as part of a response to those situations.

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

I agree with everyone else about sharing them.

I also just wanted to say that I can relate. I received a lot of the same being favored and treated as being different and special by teachers and later by others, including quite a few mental health professionals. I then felt a lot of pressure to not disappoint them and to hold myself to different standards than I hold anyone else.

From what you've shared it sounds like your teachers crossed boundaries. Even if their intentions were good it still hurt you.
I told my T about my experiences as part of a discussion about attachment, transference, and boundaries that I initiated fairly early on. I said that it had made me feel special at the time, but explained the pressure, etc. and told him that it was really important to me that he be good about maintaining boundaries. He validated my past experiences being hurtful despite others' intentions. When I said there was something about me that makes people cross boundaries with me he said that I didn't make them, that it had been their responsibility. He assured me that it was his responsibility to maintain boundaries and said something that stuck with me about children needing boundaries to feel safe. It was validating and showed me that he understood how important it was to me. He's the first therapist I've ever trusted in this regard.

Idk if you have similar feelings about it, but either way it's a good idea to discuss it with your T. Even if it's just so that he's aware that something is a trigger for you so that he doesn't unintentionally trigger that with a similar comment.
And it might help explain where your voices come from. Like even if it's your voice, it's something you learned as part of a response to those situations.

From the details I remember, they did cross boundaries. I liked their treatment and though it may be causing me some trouble now, they forever remain my best years in life. This is terrible, but I think i somewhat don't mind T crossing boundaries as i am in great need to have these inner deep childhood needs met. But know, she, my T, will need to keep boundaries and allow me to experience a healthy relationship with her, in order to perhaps move on. Grrr