In Session Today: Part VI

I had possibly the strangest session I’ve ever had with my therapist today. I don’t usually share details, but I feel like I need to process this so I’m going to. I didn’t go in expecting to talk about this, but I ended up telling him how I don’t like that everything is one-sided in therapy.
I don’t remember when, but at some point in the session I clarified that although sometimes I wish we could have a different type of relationship (I phrased it different I think), I know I don’t actually want that because then we couldn’t have what we do now. I said, “I don’t like how ‘this’ means more to me than it does to you.” When I said ‘this’ I gestured from him to me. He said that that he doesn’t agree with that, and that just because he’s my therapist doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for me. I said that I wasn’t sure how to feel about that because I didn’t know if he meant it or was just saying it. He said, “the therapeutic relationship only works if it’s authentic. I have to be honest, and so do you. The relationship isn’t fake just because it’s therapy.”
I said, “I get that it’s not fake. I don’t think that’s what bothers me. I think it’s just that I feel stupid when I tell you about it. And it sucks.”
He said something along the lines of, “I don’t think those feelings are anything to be ashamed of, I think they’re perfectly reasonable. And you’re right, it does suck.”
I said, “I guess it sucks more because it only sucks for me, if that makes sense. And that’s what makes me feel stupid.”
He said, “It only sucks for you?”
I was like, “um... yeah, I think so.”
He was like, “I would disagree.”
And then I can’t remember exactly how it went down because I was a bit in shock, but he said he thinks it sucks equally for both of us. And I was all like, “I don’t get what you mean.” He said I seemed confused. I said that I was confused because that had never occurred to me as a possibility, and I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. Then he was like, “I think you’re an interesting person. You have a unique world view. I’ve told you that one of my favorite things to do is geek out talking about psychology.”
Here he either said “I’d enjoy spending an evening geeking out on psychology with you” or “I’d love to spend an evening geeking out on psychology with you.”
And then finished with, “But that door can never be opened.”
I don’t remember much else what I said or he said after that, but somewhere in there he said “if there was a magic button I could push where there could a be a relationship outside of here (friendship) and it wouldn’t affect what we did in here, that would be awesome.” And then he said something about how that can’t happen, but in nicer words lol.
He also said how it makes sense for me to feel like this. And that I’m also not used to healthy relationships so that probably feels weird at times. And he then he said, “you and I will have a healthy relationship.”

I don’t know how I feel about the whole session, not bad, but not good either? It’s a strange feeling that I can’t explain, which I guess is why I wanted to type it out here. I was taken aback I think. If anyone has read through and has thoughts, I would welcome feedback!

ETA: when he said the part about how being my therapist doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for me, he also said that he’s been worried about me before, and then said “actually I’ve been worried about you a number of times.”
This is a lot to process lol.

This sounds very similar to a few things my T has said to me Like "if we had met in another context i think we could have been great mates" (meaning friends) and some other things too. I understand it feeling a bit weird. It's also really nice for me, because he's found a way to be authentic and true to his feelings while still making me feel 100% safe and secure he would never cross any boundaries. It's something that makes me feel safe and secure in the relationship.

@SummerTime12 it almost sounds like your therapist was flirting. Did it feel that way to you or am I reading it wrong?

Summer

I've been away from PC I came here to post about my session today and saw this. I think this is common, therapists often find clients they feel they could be friends with. The rules, as sucky as they are, don't make it so (at least not for some time after termination if anything) and it's common for clients to be confused about it

What I would say is... it's a good thing he thinks this. It means he feels a good connection with you. I think he believes you are capable of great friendships with others. I struggle a lot with this right now. Some may say I'm "lucky" because my T is very open 2 two years but I say I am not better off than anyone else. So much can change then, he may not care, we may not click anymore.... things may never come and it could all be over forever for me. It has caused a lot of anxiety.

I wish I lived closer to you, I'd love to meet up and chill. You have been a good friend to me online, for what it's worth.

I've been away for some time from PC. I had my first session in about 2 weeks today. It was better than expected. We talked about other stuff besides just T. We talked about my upcoming job interview and he asked me if I congratulated myself for securing that interview. I laughed. He asked when the last time I congratulated myself for something was, I said, probably never. He asked why and I said "Because I don't deserve it" so I basically just threw a load of stuff out with that. It went to a convo of how I don't feel I'm worth love or care and how he thinks that the idea that my T DID care and maybe loved me scares me so much and I'm fighting my feelings about it by trying to sabotage the future. He said "Of course anything can happen in the future, but you have already thought of 10 reasons why you probably wont reach out, and not really any of why you should" It made me really think.
I had told him that I had a terrible birthday last weekend in the sense that all I did was think of T and how I wanted a hug from him more than anything. I felt so alone and so sad.
I said I'd felt stuck since then, this past week has been terrible. I've been hiding it well though and so we talked about that more.

Then he grabbed paper and talked about the circle of trust and drew it out. I smiled and was like "Yes, he made me do that, I had to fill it out" and I sat there and just started sobbing, the snot and all kind. First time with baby t. I just kept saying "I miss him so much. I want to hug him. I miss him" I think he probably thought I was nuts LOL I swear I carried on about 10 minutes.

I brought feeling like a loser since my birthday and he wanted me to tell him more about that. So it was about feeling less than others because of where I am in life. He was like "Well do you want to be a CEO?" I said god no. Then he said "Well see? Not everyone who seems to be further along is even in the same area as you, everyone has different things that make them smile and make them get up every day" That was good to hear

He wants me to work on writing a list of a few examples of things I should congratulate myself on and he said to celebrate my interview, regardless of it happens, in some way. To start celebrating the small things as though they are big... to start congratulating myself as I would my best friend.

I asked him something about his thoughts on something T told me. His view on it, from a therapist perspective was interesting he said

"Yes, as a therapist we all have to have a level of care for everyone we see, it's part of the job. Yet, there is no reason for anyone to go above and beyond care for a client, if there was not some level of real care there. " (I was saying how I get confused about if he was only nice to me because I paid him. It's hard to know) his instant comment to that was "You can't fake some of that stuff. I'm with your friend on this. You know that too and it scares you, we will work on why though"

Thank you DP! I wish we lived closer also. But I also like driving so there’s that
Yeah, even though your t said he’s open to it, I can see how it’d still be really hard. 2 years can feel long in the moment. I just don’t know how to feel about what he said because I had no idea that he even felt like that.



This is kinda funny because while I was writing it out, I thought it reminded me of the dynamic between you and your T. Which I feel creepy saying lol because I don’t post a ton, but I read a lot. I’m hoping it’ll increase feelings of security in me eventually. I think it probably will but I was just really surprised if he was in fact being genuine.


I totally get where it could sound that way. I think I might’ve wondered about that also if it hadn’t been for some conversations we’ve had before. I’ve told him I’m attracted to him and he’s remained professional and talked about how we will have a safe relationship, it’s possible to have a relationship with a man where it doesn’t turn into sex, it’s possible to care about someone without being attracted to them, etc. (those are all thugs I struggle to believe can happen for me).

Not creepy at all, and I really felt the same when I was reading it. Your therapist sounds good and authentic to me. I think you should keep talking to your T about all your responses what he has said. He sounds like the kind of T who will be receptive to that kind of discussion, and there is a lot of value in that. If you ever want to compare notes, feel free to PM.

I actually dream of my T saying something like this and found it quite enjoyable to read your post. I'm sure many others would argue whether it was appropriate of your T or not but I don't see much wrong with it. I have a fantasy to be with my T that I know would not ever happen in reality and should the opportunity arise not be the best thing for me or him so I don't really want the fantasy to ever come true. What I do want to be true though is for my T to share similar feelings for me but know that nothing could happen and maintain the boundary. I would love for my T to share he would like to spend time with me but due to the nature of the therapy relationship he can't. For me, this is the best case scenario. It would still suck that there couldn't be a relationship of any sort outside the room but nice to know that he thinks the same.

SummerTime, It sounds to me like your T was being very authentic and honest. Especially because he concluded his statements by saying that "that door could never be opened" and "we will have a healthy relationship".

Now, having said that...I do think my little hairs would start to go up if he begins to go down this line of discussion more frequently. I wouldn't want to hear him carry on about how much he wishes the two of you could be pals outside of therapy. He has made his feelings known very clearly (and seemingly appropriately) in a context that hopefully normalized your own feelings...but now he needs to focus solely on you from this point forward...and leave his own stuff out of it from here on.

Hi all. I had to post about what happened today. It still makes me feel uncomfortable, 3 hours later. So I tried a new therapist today, to see if he could be a good backup or a good replacement when baby T swaps locations. He was super awesome with emails and I loved the answers to my initial questions but it was just a massive let down.

So I get there and he had 2 chairs and a couch. There was a tan chair and a brown. I was just walking toward the couch and he was like "Sit in the tan chair, the brown is my throne" So I instantly thought that was rather cocky. So I said down and he's like "How do you want to use this time?" I'm thinking um,, to talk? LOL.... He asked me about London because of my shirt and went on about how love of Harry Potter (who cares) and how he's barely traveled. Asked me where I have traveled and what movies I like etc. I get that he was trying to relax me and connect or whatever but it seemed like too long to be talking about BS. I had told him in one of my emails AND my intake forms I did online that I was avoidant and hate attention and therapy is hard for me. He went on to ask me about my friends and my family, who I was close to. I said none of my family. He was like "WHY" he kept asking "Why is that?" to stuff which was annoying and I was thinking, isn't that your job to figure out? If I had all the damn answers I wouldn't be here.

At one point he brought up my insurance (he is not currently covered on my plan) and asked why I chose that plan? I was like umm it was cheapest?? What the hell. He asked me why I had to have surgery, very intrusive stuff for someone I just met.

He asked about my T and "Tell me why you think it was more of a friendship" so I told him just the same stuff I share here, the massive amount of non therapy texts, and video chats, and how my friend even met him. He didn't ask any further info on any of it but rather said "Well that's unethical behavior" I was instantly upset and offended. I was open in my intake that I DO NOT WANT JUDGEMENT, I'm well aware of the judgemental folks out there and already very guarded on what I share with whom. My best friend knows the most but I've even kept stuff from her. He just went on a tangent sort of about ethical behavior. Rather than ever thinking to ask me if what he did helped me at all and it did. It really did. I'm not struggling because of our relationship, I'm struggling because I miss him. I don't get why that's so complicated to get

Anyway... so I got really scared by the way he said it and how judgemental it felt that I burst into tears. I just said that I love him and miss him still. I just want to talk to him. Dead silence for several minutes. I hated that feeling. I need them to at least keep talking, say or ask something. However nothing. I apologized for crying which I haven't done at all since I was a child. (T made me feel so comfortable and normal with it, I never did that with him and I never did with baby T or the other guy I saw and cried with). He had no reaction to my apology and no comment or anything on the crying, instead he was like "So what's your favorite pie?" Ummm what the hell?

The only other thing that came up about T was how he cut me off for 2 yrs. He looked confused and I was like you know the 2 year no contact thing? He was trying to be professional and ethical about it, and he was like "Why would he be ethical about that when he wasn't about anything else?" At that point I knew, there was NO WAY I was gonna feel anything but judgement about this topic with him. Is that how you handle grieving people? Wow, what a fantastic T. *eye roll*

Then he obviously didn't read my intake **** very well... he was asking about my dating history to which I said there was none. He asked about the closest relationship I ever had and I said "My T" and he was like "Are you serious?" (more judgement) and He was asking about why I don't trust people, if I feel people are generally safe.... there was no point in this entire session, I felt support or validation in any form. Might as well have been my mom leading the session

He made a stupid comment based on everything I'd said in emails and intakes "You have really low self worth" well no kidding sherlock, hence why I'm here... and he left it and went on to ask another stupid question about my favorite card game. He didn't try to find out the why's to anything. Just assumed I had all the info.

He came off very condensing and judgemental. I mean baby T wasn't comforting me when I cried, I only asked long term T for that but he kept talking, normalizing that emotion for me... and this time, I felt like I was being punished or something, it was weird and terrible. The silver lining if there is one, I would never attach to him.

He has a few ok things about him, like he's good about emails, he has the day of sessions for crisis but I could never feel safe talking to him about T stuff. I could only MAYBE talk to him about other issues, but even then, I'm unsure. I feel like emailing him this evening to explain how he made me feel. Even if I never see him again, he should be aware of that. He comes off super friendly but terrified me. I normally feel instantly safe around men but nope.

Oh and he made a comment that I thought was rather rude about T.... he was like "Well you can click with him, you can click with other people" Like no kidding idiot. I have had friends all my life, I'm not unable to make friends, I just prefer to be alone or distant. I don't want a close relationship, and I don't think you can CLICK with people that easily, at least not at the level I had with T. That was totally not the point at all of why I was there, I need help sorting my feelings from the loss.... not being told dumb things like I've never heard them before or I'm incapable of being human. Ugh, anyway... I'm disappointed, I had high hopes for him

It's been an interesting week in therapy so far, so I jotted down a recap (of session #1, at least):

I arrived for my first session of the week with plenty of time to spare, but somehow still felt rushed when my therapist opened his office door. I walked in, sat down, handed him a check for last month’s bill, and then… silence.

A mix of frantically thinking about what to say and wondering how he’d respond if I stayed silent went through my head--we’d had a conversation last week about how he often felt conflicted on whether to intervene when I stayed silent for long periods of time, how he didn’t want to interrupt my own natural process of seeing what turned up and what might emerge if I waited to speak, but also sometimes felt like he needed to say something in order to offer me something to grab hold of. I wasn’t sure whether this time I wanted him to intervene or not, but I felt hyperaware of the fact that he must be weighing the pros and cons, and maybe a little disappointed when he did come out and ask, “How are you feeling?”

I looked up at him and made eye contact briefly, then turned away as much as possible in my chair. “I feel like a mess. Not for any real reason--things are going well--but I feel like a complete mess. I was anxious about everything I did over the weekend, and then the aftermath was pretty brutal.”

He starts asking questions and I unpack my experiences over the weekend one by one. A stressful work situation, stressful social situations including one with some difficult family members, another challenging work situation. One by one, he points out the ways some of these specific things push my buttons. The way the family members’ behavior reminds me of an abusive childhood, the way the work situations hearken back to a complicated recent experience, the way this specific social situation represents something I’m both eager and terrified to experience. He’s right, and I find myself nodding over and over again as I slump down in the chair, not sure if I’m getting more comfortable or just more exhausted as the session moves forward.

I suddenly remember that amidst all of this, I haven’t mentioned that Saturday was the anniversary of someone close to me dying. So I tell him, and his immediate response, “Oh my goodness, oh GOSH” sounds ridiculous to me, and I look up and raise an eyebrow. He cocks his head and shrugs. “Well. I guess what I meant was that it sounds like that was a lot to deal with on top of everything else. It’s no wonder you were anxious and having a tough time.” I crumple into myself again, and start wondering how far along we are in the session, and whether if I suddenly started sobbing now I’d have enough time to put myself back together before having to leave.

I see him check the clock, and I wonder if he’s wondering the same thing.

A conversation I had the previous week pops into my head, so I start talking about that instead. I had lunch with an old friend who was visiting the area for a few days, and told him for the first time about a particularly difficult aspect of my childhood that I’m normally very private about. My therapist remarks on that, how unusual it is for me to share that detail with anyone, and asks what it was like. “It felt great, and also like skinning myself alive.” He nods, leans forward, makes some empathetic noises. Then asks how it feels to talk about this with him, and I laugh and turn away.

I start describing another of the weekend’s events again, and specifically what it felt like when the party ended. How intensely terrible I felt on my way home, how suddenly and abruptly my mind made the switch from enjoying myself to self-loathing. He remarks on how my description sounds like other times this has happened, but that there’s also a way I’ve described it that’s very different than usual. We talk about that for a few minutes, and I suddenly feel the need to reassure him that I’m fine. He doesn’t say anything in response. I go back to describing how I felt earlier.

He checks the clock again. “We have to stop in a minute, but I’m wondering if you would want to come back sooner than your usual appointment. That’s a couple of days from now, and it seems like it might be useful for you to continue this particular conversation sooner.” I’m kind of puzzled, and look up at him to see what his expression is like. He looks neutral as he asks again, “Is that something you’d be interested in, if the scheduling works?” I nod, then shake my head and narrow my eyes at him, saying “Yes, I would. But you know I’m fine, right? I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me.” He says yes, he knows I’m okay, but thinks it might be productive to add an extra session if we can, that it might make it possible to go into this issue in more depth than we could otherwise.

I pull out my phone and start looking at my calendar, and he does the same. We find a time the next day. I hesitate but ultimately say yes, relieved and a little weirded out at the same time. I start picking up my coat, and say “See you tomorrow. “ He repeats it back, with a polite smile. I rush out of the office, even though I don’t have any real reason to hurry, thinking about what might happen when I come back the next day.

star fishing

Sounds like a good session overall and a really nice therapist. I hope today goes well too. I myself have back to back next week and I haven't done that since May of 2017 with my original T and I hated it, was too much for me. I hope it goes better for me this time. Good luck today

Today’s session was intense but useful. R text me beforehand to say that she was running a little late. We sat down and she complimented me on my hair cut.
‘How are you doing? I got your e-mail –sorry I didn’t write back.’
‘This time of year is tough. My shoulders have been up around my ears since Friday.’
Stupidly, I did not mention the associated pain.
I explained that a friend asked how I am on Friday. ‘I lied.’
‘That makes you sound like a dishonest person, but I know you’re not. What was the motivation behind that lie?’
‘If I tell the truth, there is some permutation of “What can I do to fix this?”’
‘From the other person?’
‘Yes, and there isn’t really anything anybody can do. I have been that person.’
‘Do you think it is hard to be in that situation?’
‘Yes.’ I soon changed tack. ‘My friend asked how I was and upon hearing that I was fine told me something. I cannot be there for anybody else at the moment.’
‘That strikes me as a really honest thing to say.’
‘Yes. I wanted to censor the hell out of that email, but I didn’t.’

‘You didn’t? Was that the Critic?’

‘Yes.’

‘It seems like you spend a lot of time trying to work out the right way to say something, and that is tiring before anything else.’

‘I use language to make myself understood, like anyone else…’ I laughed as I said that, realising how daft it sounded. R also laughed.

‘I am trying to be more open with people at the moment, because that is the only way I am going to get through the next few weeks. When I introduce somebody new, I have to explain to them that though there were people who lied, Chris did not lie.’
I explained that Chris’ death was a single incident, but what they other people put me through was multiple incidents. ‘Multiple incidents are always going to hurt more than single incidents.’ I got a little bit angry then, on the theme of being ill-equipped or unequipped to watch somebody die.

‘Hand, please.’ She gave me her hand.

‘Multiple times, I watched her die. I was not there, and yet I had a ringside seat.’

‘You were not there and yet you feel as though it happened to you. Go there, Lost. Stay with it, you’re safe.’
‘Now I’ve paused for breath, I am back in the bathroom. Why the **** would one human being do that to another?’

‘Is that a question you need an answer to?’

‘No, but I need to ask it. That doesn’t make sense.’

‘Makes total sense.’
‘Unless you’re a monster, you don’t continue to add to somebody else’s pain.’

‘No.’

I talked about the frustration of not being able to translate, and the fear that if I allowed myself to feel it fully I would be unable to cope.
‘Because of all you have been through, we didn’t want to tell you this, but…’

‘What is in that ‘but’ for you?’

‘Contempt’

‘We know what you have been through, but we are going to carry on with what we are doing anyway. There is a saying that you can ignore anything somebody says before a but.’

R gave me a ten minute warning, and I showed her a new poem.

‘This line sticks out to me – “Unsure whether to weep or scream, I end up doing neither.’”
She went on to say that she experiences me as talking very intellectually. There is little emotion, everything takes a great deal of thought. She said that she has known people in her personal life as well as her professional life completely break down when something traumatic happens to them.
‘Being emotional doesn’t make you less of a beautiful poet, writer, user of language. You are still you.’
I sat there nodding for a few minutes. ‘Wow, thank you.’


‘You’re welcome. I feel like that has been brewing for a while now.’

‘There’s something I wanted to bring up before we finish today.’ I could barely look at her as I said the words. ‘When I am there, I am over here, and you are here.’

‘This happens [I look away] and this happens [my hair covers my face]’
‘Yes. Also< I feel quite alone with it, and I do not want to.’

R said that because of the way the room where we meet is arranged ‘It’s an easy escape for you.’

She recalled the time I got upset in session (last November)

‘I don’t want to bring up a difficult time for you, but I remember that I sat close to you and held your hands.’ She said that she didn’t want to be too directive, but seemed to understand why I need the connection.
‘I could see it was hard for you to ask. I don’t know what you need. I can second guess, but it helps when you are able to ask.’
‘After all, my inability to ask for what I need got me into this.’

‘That’s progress, the fact that you can make that link.’

I went in feeling pretty bad about a problem at work, had a lot of trouble talking, snapped at T a couple times. He kept relating the present day situation and my reactions to childhood stuff, which is probably accurate but I am tired of it. He always prefaces these observations with "what you're doing is not wrong". I told him everytime he says this I know I must be doing something wrong because otherwise he wouldn't comment on it. I'm pretty sure neither of us were capable of doing anything right today, though.

Thanks. Yes, it was a good, pretty typical session. My therapist is great, and I'm lucky. He's a good counterexample to the stereotype that psychoanalysts are all cold and withholding. It's a huge contrast to some of my previous therapy experiences... sessions are difficult, but they nearly always feel useful.

I haven't decided yet whether to share the other two sessions from this week, but they went well too. I hope the back to back scheduling goes well for you next week.

Starfishing, you really capture that layered process of trying to understand what the therapist is thinking while plumbing what you think and feel. There's so much going on in every moment.

I really enjoyed this write-up and I like the relationship you have with your T. I particularly enjoyed your description of the silence since I feel like I’ve had that exact experience with similar thoughts running through my head. It’s somehow comforting to hear someone else describe it. It’s sort of an awkward few moments that I would find hard to explain, but you describe it so well.

Today's session was great. We talked about the fact that I feel I can't talk to him anymore. Talked about what caused it, which lead to some discussion about fear of abandonment. He even confirmed that he wasn't going anywhere, which was nice. We also talked about self disclosure and how it's okay to have some of it as long as it's related to the client. He also said he's never shared anything specific about his kids in a session before, which for some reason surprises me.

He made sure to tell me that I'll eventually get hurt again, that he's aware of that and that we can talk about it. And that I could call him next week if I felt the need.

It felt like a really valuable session.

Thanks, it's good to hear that came across. Therapy is such a strange experience sometimes; it's always so odd to try to describe.

Thank you, I love knowing that I'm not the only one who's felt that particular way.

I'm really happy with how things are with this therapist. It's a little hard to capture, but he's very warm and human while also being very committed to his professional responsibility and using the various tools at his disposal well.