LostOnTheTrail

R began today’s session by confirming that she had received my email. She said it came back to her late last night, when it was not an appropriate time to reply.

We spoke about my process regarding emails, and how the Critic always gets in first. R asked what the aftermath of the session was like. I confirmed that I felt shame, and felt deeply uncomfortable.

‘It is hard for me that so much of my life has become about managing grief.’ As I finished that sentence, I began to cry. R urged me to release it and let it out.

‘This shouldn’t be an every session thing!’

R said she understands – ‘This is talking therapy, and you want to talk…but sometimes the emotions need to come out first, and the words come later.’

I continued to cry for a few moments, and then said: ‘Professional Lost has a compassionate side, but it is nothing like the version of me you see.’

‘Emotional Lost.’ R offered that I could come up with a positive affirmation to use either in session after I have cried, or if I am crying on my own.

‘It has to be your words.’

‘I accept crying, and the aftermath as part of the process.’ I wrote it down, and R did the same.

She asked me whether I felt like I could access self-compassion, or whether it was more difficult for me to access self-compassion than compassion for others.

‘Stop dodging,’ I said to myself, ‘and just say ‘Yes.’’

I went on to say that self compassion felt more like something I borrowed. R asked where from, and I struggled to admit that it was from her.

R explained that when I am experiencing heightened emotions, it actually shuts off parts of the brain, so it makes sense that it is harder for me to self-soothe during those times.

‘After the surge has passed, and ideally before the Critic jumps in, use your affirmation. There are peaks and low points.’


R began today’s session by confirming that she had received my email. She said it came back to her late last night, when it was not an appropriate time to reply.

We spoke about my process regarding emails, and how the Critic always gets in first. R asked what the aftermath of the session was like. I confirmed that I felt shame, and felt deeply uncomfortable.

‘It is hard for me that so much of my life has become about managing grief.’ As I finished that sentence, I began to cry. R urged me to release it and let it out.

‘This shouldn’t be an every session thing!’

R said she understands – ‘This is talking therapy, and you want to talk…but sometimes the emotions need to come out first, and the words come later.’

I continued to cry for a few moments, and then said: ‘Professional Lost has a compassionate side, but it is nothing like the version of me you see.’

‘Emotional Lost.’ R offered that I could come up with a positive affirmation to use either in session after I have cried, or if I am crying on my own.

‘It has to be your words.’

‘I accept crying, and the aftermath as part of the process.’ I wrote it down, and R did the same.

She asked me whether I felt like I could access self-compassion, or whether it was more difficult for me to access self-compassion than compassion for others.

‘Stop dodging,’ I said to myself, ‘and just say ‘Yes.’’

I went on to say that self compassion felt more like something I borrowed. R asked where from, and I struggled to admit that it was from her.

R explained that when I am experiencing heightened emotions, it actually shuts off parts of the brain, so it makes sense that it is harder for me to self-soothe during those times.

‘After the surge has passed, and ideally before the Critic jumps in, use your affirmation. There are peaks and low points.’

I explained that I had been aware of peaks and lows with Chris’ illness, but with the abusive situation, it remained at peak intensity.

‘The experience with Chris was like being held.’

R said she could tell I was going somewhere intense, and she wanted to make sure that she left me safe. So we did some breathing, and confirmed our next two sessions.

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Mountaindewed

I had a session with my Pdoc today. He didn’t yell at me like I was expecting him to. He was actually really friendly. But I told him about my kidney issues and then my tremors and he didn’t like freak out but he was pretty concerned and insisted he talk to my primary doctor before he can do anything about my meds. So I’m not sure what that was all about but I only saw my Pdoc for about 5 minutes. He said none of the meds I’m on can cause kidney issues. The problem is that my meds may not be working properly because of kidneys. Therefore causing mental health problems.

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You know sometimes it’s hard to see or say the words that torture me, but inside I know exactly how I feel. The things that I can’t say out loud I’ll find a place to write them down- Postcards- James Blunt

Club 46.

Mountaindewed

The funny thing is in my IOP they kept stressing that “emotions are just emotions, and thoughts are just thoughts” and now I honestly do get it.

Although it does sound a bit armchairish and like I’m getting generic therapy that I can’t actually afford.

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You know sometimes it’s hard to see or say the words that torture me, but inside I know exactly how I feel. The things that I can’t say out loud I’ll find a place to write them down- Postcards- James Blunt

Club 46.

SlumberKitty

Saw T on Saturday. I was a little concerned when I got there because her car wasn't there. I was like, "Oh no. She forgot." But I just played on my phone and soon enough she came. Whew.


She said she is only seeing in person me and one other person. She knows I am responsible she says plus I just got my negative Covid test. We sit six feet apart and wear masks.


She was very happy and very proud.


She asked how my appointment went with the Pdoc. I told her that the Pdoc wants to put me on Latuda as well as the Rexulti because of the hallucinations. She said, "Lets talk about your hallucinations."

So I told her about the demon. I told her that Pastor T doesn't think it is real. She said she doesn't think so either. But when we talked about the hallucinations we called it a demon just to have common ground as to what to call it. We talked about it grabbing my throat. She said that was interesting. What had I said that I wasn't supposed to say? I told her about some times recently at work where I have had to make an unpopular stand. I talked about what the demon was saying to me We ended up talking about what I was fearful of.


Fearful of people being angry with me. It's like a terror that I have. I can't stand it. It frightens me to death.


Flashback to work. Fearful of coworker being angry with me. Aha. Precipitating event. I'm not crazy. The hallucinations had a meaning. It didn't "come out of nowhere." She said Pdoc is afraid because of the demon. It's unlike me. I must have been very fearful. I was.


T said I am becoming more clear. This made me happy. This is progress.--Kit

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Dum Spiro Spero
IC XC NIKA

Mountaindewed

I looked at new therapists this afternoon online.. I found a therapist who is a transgender women who also works with people with autism. I’m wondering if that’s what I need. I’ve told my current therapist that I’m thinking of terminating things with her. After the program I’ve realized what the issue is and it’s her. So far she hasn’t replied to my email. She did reply to one and said “boundaries need to be put in place now regarding emails because it’s become a safety issue.” I’m not exactly sure what she meant by that. A safety issue for her or for me? I figured the emails would become a boundary issue soon. I even asked about it in group. I mean I guess I just misunderstood her when she said “email me as much as you want.” But yeah I’m starting to realize after my program that besides my dysphoria she is the cause of all my distress and anxiety. Once she said we can’t do anymore in person sessions, that’s when I kind of lost it.

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You know sometimes it’s hard to see or say the words that torture me, but inside I know exactly how I feel. The things that I can’t say out loud I’ll find a place to write them down- Postcards- James Blunt

Club 46.

Lostislost

If I was someone else watching our session we had, I would NEVER think you had been seeing me for 5 years. Could you tell when I gave up and said I just feel like a big blue milky jelly rock. I wish you knew me and I knew you, I wish our relationship could develop from both sides without me trying to drag it in to next week. I wish you could really see me.

LostOnTheTrail

I began today’s session with high expectations of myself.
‘I don’t want to waste a word, and I don’t want to get emotional.’ R was intrigued by my not wanting to waste a word.
‘What does that mean?’
‘Everything I say in this space has to have value.’ I explained that since words are all we have at the moment, it has become more important than ever that I explain myself well.
When R asked how I was doing, all I could muster was ‘Nervous stomach, and nervous everything else.’

‘Nervous as in anticipating something in particular, or just the sensation?’
‘Ten years ago tomorrow, something happened.’ R said it sounded as though I was still trying to make sense of it.
‘I’m still stuck on ‘I don’t want to waste a word.’

‘Meanwhile, I am thinking about previous occasions where you have commented that it is difficult for you to understand what I am going through.’
‘When you are crying?’
‘When I [here I stopped myself using the phrase ‘time travel’] go somewhere else.’

‘When you are in that space. We overcame that somewhat when I sat on the floor.’ At that point, I dissolved.
R urged me to let it out – ‘It wants to come out, and it needs to come out. Close your eyes and imagine I’m there with you, holding your hands. I’m here with you in this space.’
R urged me to use my affirmation when I felt ready.
We spoke at length about the juxtaposition between the two experiences.
‘I feel as though I am bracing for a death anniversary, even though cognitively, I know this isn’t that.’
‘You feel as though you are bracing for a death anniversary.’ We spoke at length about the differences between this experience and Chris’ passing.
‘With this experience, there was no sense of relief…it just snowballed.’ I mentioned that the forum going offline in December 2013 was another layer of loss.
‘Grieving for Chris was a communal experience, but with this I was on my own.’
A lot of what I attempted to say today felt like gibberish. AT one point R asked whether I wanted her to talk. She later explained that she could see what I was fighting against, and wanted to give me the space.
‘I don’t want to say I’m glad you cried, but it was almost the best thing you could do.’ She urged me to be kind to myself over the next few days, and then said she wouldn’t let me go without doing some breathing.

She asked how my shoulders were, and I remarked that when I cried I felt them resume their proper position.

‘There’s scientific evidence that we hold a lot of tension in the neck and shoulders. I’ve been asked whether I lift weights before. Emotional tension is held there.’
We focused on settling my shoulders, and then did some cleansing breaths.

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