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Default Nov 03, 2020 at 03:17 PM
  #841
The last 15 minutes of my session all I could think of was Willam from Drag Race puking on the edge of the stage. My own stomach was on fire and my therapists armchair therapy BS about “how you’ve felt these emotions before they will pass” wasn’t making it any better. So I basically just hung up on her. Therapy was so anxiety provoking today. She said to me “did you regret meeting with me?” And I said “yes.”

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Default Nov 05, 2020 at 01:35 PM
  #842
I went into today’s session with notes, utterly prepared to avoid an emotional experience like last week. Once we started talking, I barely glanced at them.

R asked about the fallout from last week’s session, and I explained that it was much the same as always. Much of our conversation focused on my beliefs and way of engaging with therapy. I felt deeply uncomfortable as I explained to R that I didn’t write after our most recent session, and then had to explain how I usually approach the time immediately following our conversations.

‘If you hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t know.’ R went on to observe that I have very high standards regarding how I want to use therapy.

‘It sounds like there’s no room for expression of feelings. I want to talk about them.’
‘Absolutely – complete with the Gollum-like expression.’
‘Thanks!’

Our conversation also encompassed the impact of my experiences, specifically in relation to teen me. R understood what I was getting at in terms of the nature/nurture debate, and seemed to confirm that the way in which I deal with things was impacted by how I saw others deal with their emotions.
We ended up speaking about the book she recommended in her email. She said she hadn’t realised that Edith Eger had written two books either.

‘When I was reading, there was one chapter in particular that made me think of you.’ She said if she hadn’t been listening to the audiobook, she probably would have photographed relevant passages.

‘I know you’ll go to ‘Well, she’s a Holocaust survivor, so I can’t do that, but she makes it OK. I finished it in four days.’
‘I love it when a book grabs you like that. I want to experience that again. Reading for pleasure is so different.’

‘It takes you away.’ R then offered to do some breathing, focusing on breathing out anger and sadness.

The thing she said that sticks with me this week is: ‘Trauma may shape who you are, but it doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to manage.’

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Default Nov 05, 2020 at 02:22 PM
  #843
That's beautiful Lost :Trauma may shape who you are, but it doesn't mean you can't find a way to manage.

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Default Nov 06, 2020 at 12:05 AM
  #844
A snippet, paraphrased as usual for brevity...

Me: I was just sitting there with my coffee minding my own business when you popped into my head.
T: I hate it when that happens.
Me: I told you I just want to feel normal again.
T: What did I say?
Me: You said "Nothing is normal right now." Which I already know.
T: Well, what is normal, really?
Me: Gah. Yeah, you said that too. I really just want you to tell me everything will be all right.
T: Everything will be all right.

(Only she used more words and said it not in a trite head-patting way, but in a real way that still let everything be not all right for now.)

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Default Nov 06, 2020 at 07:02 AM
  #845
Well, ongoing T is going well. She's not my favourite, but she's probably the best one, no other feelings getting in the way, just a professional woman talking to another professional woman, and supporting me with the discrimination in my workplace, my parenting, and constantly telling me that I'm NOT the worst mother in the world.
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Default Nov 10, 2020 at 03:03 PM
  #846
I was really vocal during this session. Almost loud. She said I haven’t been this vocal in a long time. I just went on about how I felt the new medicine was making me angry. She was trying to counteract that. Then I admitted that the anniversary of my grandmas death which was yesterday, and my the anniversary of my dads death on the 29th may subconsciously be getting to me. Plus I was in physical pain as well from the doctors today. But it almost seemed like she was trying to get me going. Like she was pushing me to anger. Not for a malicious reason I don’t think but to just really push me to say what I was really feeling. Which she did kinda admit when we were almost finished with the session. I asked if it went well and she said it did and she said she knows she’s been pushing me a lot but because she thinks I’m ready to so I’ll be ready for my move. We talked about books for the last 5 minutes. Then right before the session ended she said she’d let me know what the week of Thanksgiving looked like or if I wanted a break from her pushing me. I feel good but I honestly sometimes think she’s a psychopath.

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Default Nov 17, 2020 at 03:34 PM
  #847
She herself was not as difficult as the last couple times. Probably because I chewed her out through email so she knew she needed to take a calmer approach with me today. But she said she probably won’t be able to see me in person before I move which threw me out of whack in the session. I’d always hoped to be able to do an in person session the week before I moved. But I just feel like **** right now because of the session. I always feel pretty ****** after therapy. I know for sure that’s not how it’s supposed to be. My mom says she the one being negative. T said she won’t tell Pdoc about me screwing with my meds unless I take them out of the garbage. She said what I did was super dangerous. Why do I have a feeling she’s gonna tell him regardless.

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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 03:47 PM
  #848
There was just a lot of “out patient program, possible IP, Pdoc needs to know, safety contracts need to be signed, kind of talk today.” Me laughing manically towards the end for who knows what reason. God this is why I want to do therapy every other week.

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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 08:34 AM
  #849
Session today was really hard. I began by quoting the first stanza of David Whyte’s ‘Start Close In’.


Start close in
Don’t take the second step
Or the third
Start with the first thing, close in
The step you don’t want to take.
‘I can feel you have prepared for today.’ I replied that I hadn’t been able to prepare as I wanted, ‘because it is really hard to sit down and face this. I am so tired of being brave.’
‘You used that word then.’

R asked whether there was anything I needed from her in session, anything she could do. I promptly dissolved.
‘Try to stay with it, just stay there for a moment.’ I kept trying to explain, and crying. ‘It seems like there’s been a build up – holding things in for a long time.’
I confirmed that was the case, and then attempted to start several sentences, before giving in and saying ‘Sorry I’m talking gibberish.’

‘It’s not gibberish, and I can interpret.’ R said that Emotional Lost was very present today. I spoke about not being able to deal with surges well. R asked what it felt like. ‘I feel like a pan that is boiling over, but I can’t find the dial to turn it down.’ R offered an analogy: ‘The cooker you’re working on has an intellectual switch off. Once all the water has gone and evaporated, it switches off and becomes safe. It might take a while. It takes different times for different people.’

I continued to explain that I didn’t know where the feelings come from. ‘Emotional Lost is here today.’ ‘Professional Lost and Emotional Lost don’t mix.’ ‘That was Professional Lost talking. Emotional Lost is here now.’ Through tears, I put my thumb up.

‘You need to make friends with Emotional Lost.’ I put my thumb down.
‘I thought I might get that.’ R asked me whether I felt our sessions were the only place Emotional Lost ‘happened’. I dissolved again.

Session was the only place I felt safe to bring those big emotions, but so much has changed. Our conversation turned to me being back in survival mode. The life I am living right now is very similar to the one I created to ‘get through’ after Chris. ‘My life was becoming something that wasn’t about avoiding pain, and I am struggling to increase the size of my container.’


R drilled down a little further, and I confirmed that I was talking about pre-lockdown. She went on to offer that I try to remind myself this is temporary. We did some breathing focused on shoulders, and then the one hand on chest, one hand on stomach exercise. ‘I know this has been a difficult session. Please don’t beat yourself up about the way it went. Be kind to yourself for the rest of the day.’

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Default Dec 07, 2020 at 08:38 PM
  #850
I'm not sure why she told me all about her Friday melt-down. It was kinda weird. I don't mind listening to her, at all. But sometimes she tells me details about her life that are really triggering.

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Default Dec 10, 2020 at 12:57 PM
  #851
R began today’s session by confirming that she had received my email. She said it came back to her late last night, when it was not an appropriate time to reply.

We spoke about my process regarding emails, and how the Critic always gets in first. R asked what the aftermath of the session was like. I confirmed that I felt shame, and felt deeply uncomfortable.

‘It is hard for me that so much of my life has become about managing grief.’ As I finished that sentence, I began to cry. R urged me to release it and let it out.

‘This shouldn’t be an every session thing!’

R said she understands – ‘This is talking therapy, and you want to talk…but sometimes the emotions need to come out first, and the words come later.’

I continued to cry for a few moments, and then said: ‘Professional Lost has a compassionate side, but it is nothing like the version of me you see.’

‘Emotional Lost.’ R offered that I could come up with a positive affirmation to use either in session after I have cried, or if I am crying on my own.

‘It has to be your words.’

‘I accept crying, and the aftermath as part of the process.’ I wrote it down, and R did the same.

She asked me whether I felt like I could access self-compassion, or whether it was more difficult for me to access self-compassion than compassion for others.

‘Stop dodging,’ I said to myself, ‘and just say ‘Yes.’’

I went on to say that self compassion felt more like something I borrowed. R asked where from, and I struggled to admit that it was from her.

R explained that when I am experiencing heightened emotions, it actually shuts off parts of the brain, so it makes sense that it is harder for me to self-soothe during those times.

‘After the surge has passed, and ideally before the Critic jumps in, use your affirmation. There are peaks and low points.’


R began today’s session by confirming that she had received my email. She said it came back to her late last night, when it was not an appropriate time to reply.

We spoke about my process regarding emails, and how the Critic always gets in first. R asked what the aftermath of the session was like. I confirmed that I felt shame, and felt deeply uncomfortable.

‘It is hard for me that so much of my life has become about managing grief.’ As I finished that sentence, I began to cry. R urged me to release it and let it out.

‘This shouldn’t be an every session thing!’

R said she understands – ‘This is talking therapy, and you want to talk…but sometimes the emotions need to come out first, and the words come later.’

I continued to cry for a few moments, and then said: ‘Professional Lost has a compassionate side, but it is nothing like the version of me you see.’

‘Emotional Lost.’ R offered that I could come up with a positive affirmation to use either in session after I have cried, or if I am crying on my own.

‘It has to be your words.’

‘I accept crying, and the aftermath as part of the process.’ I wrote it down, and R did the same.

She asked me whether I felt like I could access self-compassion, or whether it was more difficult for me to access self-compassion than compassion for others.

‘Stop dodging,’ I said to myself, ‘and just say ‘Yes.’’

I went on to say that self compassion felt more like something I borrowed. R asked where from, and I struggled to admit that it was from her.

R explained that when I am experiencing heightened emotions, it actually shuts off parts of the brain, so it makes sense that it is harder for me to self-soothe during those times.

‘After the surge has passed, and ideally before the Critic jumps in, use your affirmation. There are peaks and low points.’

I explained that I had been aware of peaks and lows with Chris’ illness, but with the abusive situation, it remained at peak intensity.

‘The experience with Chris was like being held.’

R said she could tell I was going somewhere intense, and she wanted to make sure that she left me safe. So we did some breathing, and confirmed our next two sessions.

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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin

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Default Dec 11, 2020 at 03:33 PM
  #852
I had a session with my Pdoc today. He didn’t yell at me like I was expecting him to. He was actually really friendly. But I told him about my kidney issues and then my tremors and he didn’t like freak out but he was pretty concerned and insisted he talk to my primary doctor before he can do anything about my meds. So I’m not sure what that was all about but I only saw my Pdoc for about 5 minutes. He said none of the meds I’m on can cause kidney issues. The problem is that my meds may not be working properly because of kidneys. Therefore causing mental health problems.

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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 02:11 PM
  #853
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaindewed View Post
The last 15 minutes of my session all I could think of was Willam from Drag Race puking on the edge of the stage. My own stomach was on fire and my therapists armchair therapy BS about “how you’ve felt these emotions before they will pass” wasn’t making it any better. So I basically just hung up on her. Therapy was so anxiety provoking today. She said to me “did you regret meeting with me?” And I said “yes.”
The funny thing is in my IOP they kept stressing that “emotions are just emotions, and thoughts are just thoughts” and now I honestly do get it.

Although it does sound a bit armchairish and like I’m getting generic therapy that I can’t actually afford.

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Default Jan 11, 2021 at 12:23 PM
  #854
Saw T on Saturday. I was a little concerned when I got there because her car wasn't there. I was like, "Oh no. She forgot." But I just played on my phone and soon enough she came. Whew.


She said she is only seeing in person me and one other person. She knows I am responsible she says plus I just got my negative Covid test. We sit six feet apart and wear masks.


Possible trigger:
She was very happy and very proud.


She asked how my appointment went with the Pdoc. I told her that the Pdoc wants to put me on Latuda as well as the Rexulti because of the hallucinations. She said, "Lets talk about your hallucinations."

So I told her about the demon. I told her that Pastor T doesn't think it is real. She said she doesn't think so either. But when we talked about the hallucinations we called it a demon just to have common ground as to what to call it. We talked about it grabbing my throat. She said that was interesting. What had I said that I wasn't supposed to say? I told her about some times recently at work where I have had to make an unpopular stand. I talked about what the demon was saying to me
Possible trigger:
We ended up talking about what I was fearful of.


Fearful of people being angry with me. It's like a terror that I have. I can't stand it. It frightens me to death.


Flashback to work. Fearful of coworker being angry with me. Aha. Precipitating event. I'm not crazy. The hallucinations had a meaning. It didn't "come out of nowhere." She said Pdoc is afraid because of the demon. It's unlike me. I must have been very fearful. I was.


T said I am becoming more clear. This made me happy. This is progress.--Kit

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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 05:47 PM
  #855
I looked at new therapists this afternoon online.. I found a therapist who is a transgender women who also works with people with autism. I’m wondering if that’s what I need. I’ve told my current therapist that I’m thinking of terminating things with her. After the program I’ve realized what the issue is and it’s her. So far she hasn’t replied to my email. She did reply to one and said “boundaries need to be put in place now regarding emails because it’s become a safety issue.” I’m not exactly sure what she meant by that. A safety issue for her or for me? I figured the emails would become a boundary issue soon. I even asked about it in group. I mean I guess I just misunderstood her when she said “email me as much as you want.” But yeah I’m starting to realize after my program that besides my dysphoria she is the cause of all my distress and anxiety. Once she said we can’t do anymore in person sessions, that’s when I kind of lost it.

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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 06:26 PM
  #856
If I was someone else watching our session we had, I would NEVER think you had been seeing me for 5 years. Could you tell when I gave up and said I just feel like a big blue milky jelly rock. I wish you knew me and I knew you, I wish our relationship could develop from both sides without me trying to drag it in to next week. I wish you could really see me.
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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 07:43 AM
  #857
I began today’s session with high expectations of myself.
‘I don’t want to waste a word, and I don’t want to get emotional.’ R was intrigued by my not wanting to waste a word.
‘What does that mean?’
‘Everything I say in this space has to have value.’ I explained that since words are all we have at the moment, it has become more important than ever that I explain myself well.
When R asked how I was doing, all I could muster was ‘Nervous stomach, and nervous everything else.’

‘Nervous as in anticipating something in particular, or just the sensation?’
‘Ten years ago tomorrow, something happened.’ R said it sounded as though I was still trying to make sense of it.
‘I’m still stuck on ‘I don’t want to waste a word.’

‘Meanwhile, I am thinking about previous occasions where you have commented that it is difficult for you to understand what I am going through.’
‘When you are crying?’
‘When I [here I stopped myself using the phrase ‘time travel’] go somewhere else.’

‘When you are in that space. We overcame that somewhat when I sat on the floor.’ At that point, I dissolved.
R urged me to let it out – ‘It wants to come out, and it needs to come out. Close your eyes and imagine I’m there with you, holding your hands. I’m here with you in this space.’
R urged me to use my affirmation when I felt ready.
We spoke at length about the juxtaposition between the two experiences.
‘I feel as though I am bracing for a death anniversary, even though cognitively, I know this isn’t that.’
‘You feel as though you are bracing for a death anniversary.’ We spoke at length about the differences between this experience and Chris’ passing.
‘With this experience, there was no sense of relief…it just snowballed.’ I mentioned that the forum going offline in December 2013 was another layer of loss.
‘Grieving for Chris was a communal experience, but with this I was on my own.’
A lot of what I attempted to say today felt like gibberish. AT one point R asked whether I wanted her to talk. She later explained that she could see what I was fighting against, and wanted to give me the space.
‘I don’t want to say I’m glad you cried, but it was almost the best thing you could do.’ She urged me to be kind to myself over the next few days, and then said she wouldn’t let me go without doing some breathing.

She asked how my shoulders were, and I remarked that when I cried I felt them resume their proper position.

‘There’s scientific evidence that we hold a lot of tension in the neck and shoulders. I’ve been asked whether I lift weights before. Emotional tension is held there.’
We focused on settling my shoulders, and then did some cleansing breaths.

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Default Jan 19, 2021 at 04:06 PM
  #858
My session after 7 weeks was decent. I was kinda standoffish because I felt like I needed to create my own boundaries. She was not standoffish. I told her I legit felt like the program helped. We talked about what I learned. She was enthusiastic about the things I learned. I was shaking the whole time and she thought it was an anxiety thing. Basically it was just like a follow up therapy session about the program. Most of the things we discussed were program related. I had a lot more stuff to discuss and I will be talking about them next week. We lost track of the time. So I felt a bit like I was left hanging and I was in a funk afterwards for awhile. But I legit think she just wanted to talk about the program today.

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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 03:31 PM
  #859
Today went well. I told her I was kinda bummed out about ending so abruptly last session. But that I was keeping track of the time today. She was in a good non pushy non angry type of mood. Even when I told her I was S last night. I told her the move and the carpets being installed and the virus strains and stuff was just really getting to me yesterday and yesterday evening. We made a safety plan and she made me promise if things got bad then to call 911 or go to the hospital. I told her I didn’t want to move and to leave her but then we looked up the therapist I’m thinking of switching to and she said that this therapist seems like a really good fit for me. So that made me feel better. But she was nice and helpful today.

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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 04:32 PM
  #860
My session this morning started off talking about how cold it was. I handed her my mood tracker that I do every morning. We spent a few minutes talking about why my mood has been so low.


I told her how much i think about my Grandpa and it really effects my life. It lead to talking about how much of my life and self worth has been towards my Grandpa. I just feel guilty for telling people he was not a good person or seeing that image of him was not how he was with me.


The led her asking me to do a forgiveness letter to myself because I feel so guilty about everything in my life. Thats going to be hard.


I have had some issues with day program and I really told her everything thats been going on inside. We spent the majority of time focusing on that. She helped me relize that it's okay to be myself and let people go. I think I have out grown a friendship and it has caused me nothing but stress and feeling unsafe in day program.


She thanked me for talking so openly about this issue at day program and we ended the session by setting up more appointments 2 weeks apart. We talked about whats going well too. It was a good session
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