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Default Jul 23, 2021 at 04:30 AM
  #881
Quote:
Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail View Post
I'm sorry, QM. I hope you were able to get what you needed from the session.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemoncake View Post

Your T also has a responsibility to start your sessions on time. That situation would make me anxious too.
I suppose this post of mine might fit better in the "In Session" thread but I don't mind putting it here.

Think T fetched me like 40 minutes late. I know she would give me extra time if I need too, but I do worry a bit about other clients well-being. That prior person must have needed it, and I hope she will be ok. T said she would be, so that did help a little.

Sometimes I feel bad (including when I run overtime, that's why I asked her for a 5 minute till session end warning) because objectively I genuinely understand, but yes, it stirs up stuff from my past. Being the afterthought child, being the one expected to raise siblings and soothe marital discord, the one held to far harsher standards, the one who was always last, the invisible one, the one who had to be "good" because I'm a burden and my siblings need more of already very scarce care. And I feel ashamed of myself for that.

Session was good overall, I feel. I don't remember everything because dissociation has been really strong and frequent. My vortioxetine is suppressing alter communication which isn't good in my books. I remember T saying I have to weigh pros and cons and I wrote a note to myself I rather reduce the dose even if that means depression again. I see my pdoc in 5 weeks.

And T initiatied by asking how I'm coping with the situation my friend (whom I live with) is in about getting more disabled and unable to afford treatment. That was caring, so I told her how I'm trying to help emotionally and practically, and a friend and her girlfriend offered help with groceries. She went into hospital this morning and her previous recent stay was incredibly bad.

I think I expressed frustration and overwhelm because everything to do with me moving to join my partner = I am doing all the research work. He admitted he procrastinates and is too apathetic to be proactive ever. So I have to initiate everything and even a scheduled talk tends to get postponed, and I need to give him specific tasks along with deadlines to complete them, or it never gets done. It's just so much mental load and I'm already bloody stressed.

T talked about increasing my behavioural activation, and I got frustrated since I already do everything I bloody can. She mentioned my desire to return to work and said I need to stick to my goals. When have I EVER not worked hard and instead sat or laid around wallowing? I'm not faulting her but she's known me so long, I feel hurt. I genuinely feel pulled around a lot and I struggle to focus but I AM consistently looking for jobs. A part of me feels maybe she's seen "the real me" my parents have always said I am. That I'm lazy and selfish despite working 50 hours a week for years and this awfully long recovery from the burnout. I basically listed how I'm keeping my mind open to unconventional jobs although my partner and I have very different opinions, and how I do my best to hustle for odd jobs.

I even asked her for Behavioural Activation ideas and I've applied those. Exercise every day, engage in meaningful activities. I've built my own structure and routines without input from her, I shaped up my sleep hygiene, I pretty much have a an organised life.

Then She mentioned maybe I should become more involved in my lgbtq group again (meaningful activity) -- surprise because a few months ago she actually encouraged me to do LESS because I'm overcompensating and my inability to rest isn't helping -- so I said I'm heavily involved and a good chunk of it involves emotional support for friends who are very vocal about their emotional distress but don't want professional help so I try to validate and listen and teach some coping skills. I feel guilty because 1 person has been talking a lot about leadership stress ever since I got too unwell to do event logistics full-time, and no one in the wider group has stepped up consistently.

Told her all that and she accepted my corrections though.

Rest of session is blurry but I know I cried an awful lot and I've so much shame over if my attachment to T is healthy or not, and how I'm terrified even after so long that she'll say I'm too reliant or dependent on her. And how I'm so ashamed that "old" trauma comes up again and I repeat myself, and so I'm not "moving on" like I'm supposed to. Plus how some topics (money, sex, religious abuse) are topics I avoid and talk about rarely because of how ashamed I am. She said something like I tend to get to the underlying problem with just 5 minutes left, so I quite frustratedly said I'm not doing it deliberately and I'm making an effort.

We agreed we need to talk about how my "main" problem is the level of toxic shame I feel. Basically I focus on the many trees (issues) in the forest and struggle to zoom out to the forest as a whole. So T had me write down the stuff about therapy that I feel ashamed of, and I'm not "allowed" (lol) to write explanations. So next session (2 weeks time), I'm to start with the first shame item there. And I've homework on writing down the pros and cons of my core belief that I have to "do things on my own", and if that's effective or realistic.
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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 01:18 PM
  #882
It looks like I’ll only have about 2 more sessions with this therapist until I get switched to the new one. So I didn’t hold back on stuff today. I was honest about my food and weight situation and how it was going. I mentioned inhaling a lot of zero and diet drinks every day. I mentioned the time I threw up 3 iced teas and while it was not intentional it was a bit of disordered behavior since I chugged them to avoid hunger. I told her I eat the same 4-5 foods a day. I mentioned the med situation but I didn’t mention last night because I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I mentioned my bad luck with hospitals and how I will do anything to avoid going even if just sleeping things off isn’t a very good way. She couldn’t really give me any advice on the ED or the trans stuff since she doesn’t know anything about it. The whole reason she’s switching me to this other lady. But it was nice that she just listened while I spilled my guts out for an hour and didn’t show any judgement. We talked about the transference with my old therapist and she does agree that there was some countertransference going on as well.

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Default Aug 04, 2021 at 04:41 PM
  #883
My T is changing her office hours from being in the office M-Th with some Fridays to being in the office M, Tue, Fri afternoons. This will result in me losing at least 1x a week sessions and changing another to a time I really dislike (late Fridays). I told her that I will just drop down to 2x a week Mon and Tues. But really what's the point of that? So thinking I should just drop down to Mondays. So that's a huge change from 4x a week. She's all about we don't have to make any decisions ... especially within the first 5 mins of her sharing the news. I spent the session trying to figure out what to do with all the stuff I have left at her office. I've given her gifts and those I feel ok are out and out gifts for her to do with whatever she feels/desires as an individual.

Are there any requirements of stuff that we used as part of our sessions that were left there as part of the treatment/convenience? Like if I leave them with her, would she have to hold on to them or have to find a way to get them to me? Would she have to try to figure out which might be "gifts" and which were not? That would be awful if she returned something that I thought of as a gift. I told her that with everything changing that we needed to come up with a plan. That was the best I could get to yesterday.

I did tell her that even though her schedule change wasn't until she returned from a break in Sept, that I will drop down to 3 days a week starting next week.

Additional, she said that she was not sick/ill. She also said that no one else is in the office (I had wondered if she was subletting the space 2 days a week)

I wanted to bring up the fact that I know that she sold her house.
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Default Aug 09, 2021 at 02:20 PM
  #884
My therapist was tough on me today. But she also completely validated my feelings and wasn’t tough in a mean or overly pushy way. It’s the type of therapist they should be. She’s just kinda like a no nonsense therapist and can see through peoples ********. She told me she doesn’t sugarcoat anything and is very straightforward. But today went well. She’s encouraging me to go back to work now. So I applied to 2 jobs this afternoon. We talked a lot about the transference T and then how her and unprofessional T ghosted me at the same time. She seems to think the reason I can’t get over my old therapist is because I never had proper closure since we were doing video sessions until we terminated. She told me that now I have people in my corner who will help me have a smooth transfer over to the next therapist. I left feeling down in the dumps about transference T. My current T suggested I write a letter to the old one and send it to her office. I’m not sure that’s a good idea although it’s been suggested before by my unprofessional T. I just think with the boundary issues I had with her that writing a letter wouldn’t be a good idea.

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Default Aug 11, 2021 at 09:26 AM
  #885
I can't get my head round my therapy. I want him to engage more with the shift that has taken place in the therapeutic relationship. This week I said "I need to not be the most courageous person in the room, and right now I feel like the most courageous person in the room". He heard me, he is listening, but it doesn't feel like enough. I am frustrated and alone.
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Default Aug 11, 2021 at 10:16 AM
  #886
In Session Yesterday: We started out by talking about my appointment today for a diagnostic mammogram and diagnostic ultrasound. He asked me if I was nervous and I said that I was (although I am not now, but I will probably be really anxious right before the appointment). He basically just validated my emotions saying that it was normal to be feeling stressed. He asked me how I had been coping with stress recently which led right into me telling him about my relapse with SH. He was okay with it. He said 18 months is a long time and to be proud of the 18 months. He asked me if the relapse lasted one day or multiple days and I said one day and he was very pleased by that. He said I had done everything I was supposed to do by getting back on the horse so to speak and getting things back in place to make it successful for me to continue my journey toward freedom. We talked about some hobbies I have intentionally picked up in the three weeks since I have seen him since we have been talking about putting more joy into my life. And he thought those were good. We talked about a guy I kind of like at Church which is unusual because I identify as being asexual but I definitely find him attractive. He gave me some advice as to what to do since it's been a long time since I have dated. I still don't know if anything will actually come out of it since I am quite content being single but I do like him and am attracted to him so that's something. I don't know if he is attracted to me at all so that's something I don't know. Dr. K said just try being friends first and hanging out as friends and seeing where that goes. We talked about my case manager and the test/quiz that she gave me concerning depression and anxiety and how I fell on the moderate scale. He asked me if I knew the name of the test but I said that I didn't. I told him some of the questions but I didn't know the name of it. He seemed to know what I was talking about. It was a struggle to get through the whole session, to find stuff to talk about for the entire 50 minutes. We talked about me being suicidal for like 7 days and stuff like that and what I did to alleviate those feelings. But it was still hard to fill the 50 minutes. I did find myself more relaxed about 40 minutes in which is when we started talking about dating which I didn't think I was going to bring up but I was out of stuff to talk about. Again I wonder if I should quit therapy. But then other professionals around me seem to think I need more support not less. So I don't know. It's just hard to fill the therapy hour and that makes me think it is time to end. He didn't really have any helpful suggestions about stuff. It was more like a nice supportive chat. I can have a nice supportive chat with my parents for free. I don't know what to do. I was exhausted after the session though.

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Default Aug 13, 2021 at 02:36 PM
  #887
Yesterday I became very distressed very quickly. I could see how seriously T took it. Later I said "I liked how you realised how distressing that was for me right away". T said "Echos, we have a strong connection. I can feel it".
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Default Aug 16, 2021 at 05:15 PM
  #888
I had a virtual Pdoc appointment today. He was a bit crabby. I couldn’t tell if he was working from home and just had a strange backdrop of his office up in his house. I could hear kids. He’s usually not crabby. He’s arrogant sometimes but not in a rude way. He just wasn’t really reassuring the way he has been before. He didn’t exactly seem supportive of my hysterectomy, or going back to work. It was kinda confusing. But he’s continuing to prescribe my Valium. Which is all I need from him.

He said “I’m not going to tell you what to do.” And he doesn’t talk to me that way. I don’t know what’s going on. Hopefully it’s just him and no one else.

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Default Aug 16, 2021 at 05:25 PM
  #889
Session this evening was pretty non eventful with the talking. I was just stressing and complaining about everything to do with being in this strange limbo before I have my baby. It was the last session before my due date. When I was waiting outside in the car I saw his previous client leave and get in to her car…I was instantly jealous and immediately felt disgusted with myself.

At the end of the session he asked me if I needed a hand to get up from the chair, I said yes. It was helpful and honestly just nice that he offered something with touch.
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Default Aug 19, 2021 at 05:05 AM
  #890
Today’s first session in a long while found me holding it together by the skin of my teeth, because I had forgotten to grab tissues. The conversation I needed to have felt next to impossible given the circumstances. R more than understood about the email newsletter and the impact that had. I found it really hard to access my words and my thoughts around it all.

If I have learned anything from this experience, it is that some of the things I most need to say need to be said in the physical presence of someone who cares. I am really angry about having to deal with this essentially on my own for an undetermined period of time.

The fact that I have written the letter means nothing if I cannot share it in the way that I need to. Being patient is very difficult when I am in pain.

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Default Aug 19, 2021 at 08:40 AM
  #891
Quote:
Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail View Post
Being patient is very difficult when I am in pain.
Thank you for putting into words exactly how I am feeling.
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Default Aug 25, 2021 at 07:38 AM
  #892
After last face to face session, I initially said I wanted to not see him again until after his vacation (he is going away in two weeks) then I later said I would try zoom (I've been struggling with face to face).

In today's zoom session, things had been going well, we had talked through a few things I had been struggling with about going back to face to face and I felt more connected to him than I have in a while, but then in the last 20 minutes I said I wondered whether to do face to face or zoom next week (the last session before the break). T said his first instinct was "come see me" but that it might not be what I want, and that's okay. I liked that he said that. But then he said "You won't like this, but, when you said last week you wanted a break I thought 'that's four weeks'" I asked what he meant. He said "it would be a four week break, instead of two, we've never had a four week break before". I said yes but I don't know what point you're making. He said "it just felt to me you were cutting of your nose to spite your face. That would be twice as hard for you as two weeks".

I was very quiet and said "you are right, I don't like that". He asked what I was feeling, I said that it felt really disrespectful. He hasn't even asked why I wanted an extended break (it was because I was struggling with face to face and felt that I needed a good run to get used to it, and the break would probably make getting used to it harder) and instead he had decided he knew what was happening. I said that I didn't feel my autonomy or my boundaries had been respected. I said it made me think he didn't take me seriously. He agreed it wasn't respectful and apologised. I said we also need to pay attention to why he says stuff he knows could be hurtful so close to the end of sessions (this is not the first time, and I know he knew it could be hurtful because he said "you won't like this"). He said he would like to know why I wanted to take a break but understood if I didn't want to tell him right now. I didn't.

I thought that conversation would help me to figure out whether to see him face to face or on zoom next week, but it has left me unsure whether I want to see him at all.
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Default Aug 26, 2021 at 08:58 AM
  #893
Today’s session spun off in a different direction than I was expecting. R asked me how I was in the moment, and I really struggled to answer her question.

‘How are you doing in the moment does not require me to scan over the last week!’

I conceded that I was having difficulty with the question, and then explained that I had drafted an email to the theatre company after last session. R seemed very interested in my having taken that action.

‘I don’t want to get too philosophical, but almost for the greater good?’

I explained that it was a mixture of our conversation and a George Harrison song.

‘He has a song that begins with the line “Everyone has choice, when to and not to raise their voices. It’s you that decides…’

‘I really like that.’

We moved into talking about the accessibility board meeting, and my surprise at feeling utterly comfortable in a Zoom room full of new people with common lived experience of loss and disability. I mentioned the blog within the first five minutes. R seemed impressed by my openness. I then explained that the director had approached me via email with a view to republishing some of my old posts.

R asked what my initial response was, and I said ‘Ouch.’ She said hers would be ‘Wow’, and complimented me on my writing career.

I laughed, and she wondered why.

‘I’m laughing at ‘writing career.’

‘I thought so – do you not feel that? I definitely think you have a writing career. It’s not something you do as a hobby. I see you as somebody who writes and teaches.’

She reached across her desk, muttering ‘Where is it?’ and continued. ‘I don’t know many writers whose books I own!’ as she held up her copy of the mental health anthology.
We spent most of the rest of the session talking about what is holding me back with regard to this decision.
R offered a visualisation technique she has used. Imagine taking each of the choices you are facing, and tune in to how your body feels in response.

We worked out that I can ask the woman for more information and then decide. We will discuss my email next week. Our breathing exercises focused on my shoulders and stomach.

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Default Sep 01, 2021 at 04:27 PM
  #894
We first talked about the email I had sent her last week. I explained how what I saw got me going and that I avoided my phone all weekend because of how freaked out and guilty I felt. Then I told her I had lessened doing that thing since I felt gross with myself. Then that led to other stuff which I’m ok talking about with her because we still are doing in person sessions so I have the privacy I can’t always get at my house. The session just annoyed me today. I’m not used to having therapy this late in the day after I’ve already taken my 3 Valium and it’s past the time I should be taking my other meds. I feel like I can come off as standoffish and guarded and like I have an attitude but I also feel like it’s not just me.

She told me she’s glad I transitioned to the water bottle. The other thing I use she says we need to work on. She asked if I use it every night. And I said I only use it when I crave it. I’m not sure why we need to work on it if it helps me and it isn’t hurting anyone. My transference T told me I should be using it when my anxiety gets high and not even just at night but whenever my anxiety gets rough. She was more experienced in autism then this one is though.

So I’m calming down a bit about the session after taking my usual meds that I had to take an hour later and I also feel better after eating a big snack. My next appointment is next Thursday at 1. Which isn’t as bad as the time today. But I have my ultrasound that day and I don’t know how I’ll be no matter if it’s before or after the session. I think it’s before though.

Edit: it’s after my session. My session is at 1 and the ultrasound is at 2:30. That will be a fun day. And in between those 2 appointments I have to drink 20oz of water and I can’t use the bathroom.

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Default Sep 13, 2021 at 01:47 PM
  #895
I felt like it was me today instead of her. Although my mom said she was being kind of rude. I was going on and talking about stuff and she wasn’t saying anything and I finally stopped talking and I said “your not buying any of this are you?” And she said “no” then I mentioned a picture of Squidward that reminds me of the way she seems and she asked what picture I was talking about and I said one where he can see through everyone’s ********. And she said “yeah that’s how I am” So I don’t know if that was rude of her or not. I thought the conversation was actually kinda funny. But my leg was bouncing up the entire time and I was wringing my hands and I just didn’t really want to do therapy today. we talked about food for some time and we got into talking about CBT and I told her that I don’t think CBT should be used on someone when they are very distressed. I gave an example of last thanksgiving when my old therapist used CBT to the point of angering me. I don’t think my therapist really agreed with me on that. I said CBT confuses me because I can’t tell if I’m being challenged or if my feelings aren’t being validated. And she said 9 out of 10 times I’m being challenged.

But it’s been 1.5 months and on the new therapists wait list I’m still #5. I just called today to check. She only does telehealth too. I’m not surprised by that either. So I have an email into my therapist and I told her what was going on and asked what she wants to do. I haven’t checked my email yet but she probably hasn’t responded.

This therapist kinda seems like one of those therapists that were first one of the asshole staff in a psych hospital and then grew up a bit but are now kinda unprofessional therapists.

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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 01:24 AM
  #896
Snipped/paraphrased for brevity and memory...

T: So what can you do about feeling overwhelmed?
Me: Slap on a smile and keep doing All the Things until I disintegrate spectacularly.
T: (laughs)
Me: ...
T: ...
T: So what else?
Me: Put on my competent person suit and keep on doing All the Things while I slowly melt to goo on the inside where no one can see.
Me, again: Ooo! I know! Complain to my therapist about being overwhelmed then “yabbut” everything she says?

Then the conversation really went south because we talked about dumb stuff like being human and priorities and decisions and no wonder I’m overwhelmed, and I think I might’ve leaked stupid eye water out of my face for just a second. (But it was really competent teariness, and now I can check “Process emotions” off my to-do list.)

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Default Sep 22, 2021 at 02:00 PM
  #897
Same **** different therapist. I actually said to her today “you remind me of my old therapist” and she said “how?” And I said “she was always wanting to call the cops on me. But I thought she was hot. You just look normal to me. Everything my old therapist did made me want to flood my basement.” I think that comment surprised her a bit. But all she said was “yeah being attracted to your therapist is not good.”

But basically today’s session went the way a session with transference T would have gone. Minus the whole transference thing plus we were meeting in person.

But so far no ambulance has shown up to my house and my mom hasn’t been called. So I guess I’m in the clear. I need to lay off my T though. I know she’s switching me to someone else eventually but I think me spilling my guts so much is going to get me into trouble soon. Even if she doesn’t have access to my Pdoc.

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Default Sep 29, 2021 at 10:33 AM
  #898
I had a Zoom appointment with my individual IOP T yesterday. I was feeling numb and underneath the numb I was panicky. I had a panic attack like five minutes before session.


We worked on acceptance and change. We talked about my core belief that I am less than because of my speech impediment. So she said to write I have a speech impediment but that doesn't make me less than in any way. I also had to write that my core belief was that my speech impediment made me less than and I had to tear up the paper. I don't know if it will change my core belief but I guess it was a good exercise to do.

We talked about something to do instead of self harm. One thing I do sometimes is I will wrap my arm up in an ace bandage because it kind of helps. Well I usually have my Dad do it. But she said she wants me to do it because it gives me more control, as well as the comfort that I am looking for.

I could only come up with one way that it gave me more control:
How Tight the wrap is.

She came up with the rest
How thick it is
When it happens
Who knows about it
Who sees it
What you're using to wrap with
How long it stays on
Where you put it
Whether or not you do it
Choose who you tell

Then we went over the serenity prayer. She wants me to think about the differences and connections between control and the serenity prayer which I have to admit I am drawing a blank on.
We are working on increasing tolerance.

Tolerating that life is mostly imperfect.
And to take things one day at a time.

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Default Oct 04, 2021 at 07:16 AM
  #899
I must have come across as a complete nutcase. I couldn't even sit in the chair I just stood there by the door looking at the bookcase, my back to her. She asked a few questions, and at least I did manage to answer them, just stuff like how was your drive etc. Eventually I asked her if she would close her eyes. She wasn't comfortable with that though, and asked what happens if she didn't. I said I would stay where I was then. She asked if she could leave the room instead, so I said yes, and then when she was gone I turned my chair around and sat down, so I wasn't facing her. Who wants to sit opposite a complete stranger as they stare into your soul and ask you I ordinately personal questions???

And then we nose dived. It was horrible. She asked if I had had a chance to look at the assessment form she sent me. I said I had looked at it but that it was too difficult to answer. So what did she do? Proceeded to ask me all if the questions on the form!!! If I couldn't write the answers for you, I'm hardly going to be overjoyed with having you ask them in person am I?!?

I think I must have stopped answering them though, because she stopped asking them after a while. She said something like she needed to know why I was there so that she could determine if she could help me or not.

It did get ever so slightly better, but it wasn't great by any stretch of the imagination. It wasn't a resounding 'yes' from me, but we have agreed to meet next week and see how we get on. She said I could email, and that she will try and find time to read it this week. I said I wanted to talk to her more about this next week.

I wish I hadn't gone for the whole "just go and see how you get on" tactic to be honest. I wish I had taken the writing that I showed all the other Ts I tried out, but I couldn't find it on the computer anywhere, so I didn't.

Floundering is how I would describe it. I guess if you are floating in space and a spaceship throws you a line, it would be difficult to try and catch, especially if the line is invisible!!!
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Default Oct 08, 2021 at 04:30 PM
  #900
In Session Today:

I thought we would talk about my emails, which we did in a round about way but not about the pictures I sent with the emails which I had a lot of feelings about. Actually she was kind of remiss because she didn't ask me about SH, she didn't ask me about SI, she didn't ask me about anxiety until the end. I told her my depression levels were up. And then about halfway through I mentioned the SI. So she made sure I had a plan in place to not act on those thoughts. So that's good.


We talked about me needing to be able to trust me that I can meet my emotional needs. I am a little lost on that. I'm not sure how to do that. I usually go to others for what she calls external validation but she wants me to get internal validation. So just like I know I can handle any physical problems I may have, she wants me to know I can handle any emotional problems I may have. Um. Isn't that why I'm in therapy, because I can't handle all these emotional problems I have? So I am like, really confused about all of that.


I'm not feeling well today physically. I think I have a cold but I am getting a covid test tomorrow to make sure it isn't covid. I think it is a cold because my niece had a cold when she came to visit us and she tested negative for covid so I think I have what my niece had. It's mild. But it's irritating. I can feel it in my chest and my nose and my ears. So that doesn't make me feel good either and it is probably adding to the depression that I am feeling.


I'm really stuck on how I am supposed to meet my emotional needs though. I have no idea what she's talking about. In that respect it was kind of frustrating. I'm also a little bit sad we didn't discuss the pictures I sent (of my SH scars) because it was very shameful for me to reveal them to her (we do Zoom so she hadn't seen my arms much) and I didn't get to process that shame.

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