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Default Oct 08, 2021 at 06:46 PM
  #901
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Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
I'm really stuck on how I am supposed to meet my emotional needs though. I have no idea what she's talking about. In that respect it was kind of frustrating.
Madame T used to say I was "prosecutorial". But that's the level of questioning it takes to get a straight answer out of a therapist.

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Default Oct 11, 2021 at 12:39 PM
  #902
Well today's session with my (Potential New) T went so much better than last week. For starters I made it to the chair in the beginning rather than getting stuck standing in the corner for 10 minutes unable to move or turn around and look into the room. At least I didn't start off feeling like a lunatic. We had had some back and forth via email this week which helped I think. I think I helped her to see that this needed time and patience, and I told her that I really don't want to feel forced into answering anything that I don't feel safe or comfortable answering and I don't want to feel pressured into committing to anything right yet. I am still very much testing the waters here.

She started off by talking, no idea what she was saying though to be honest. She asked if she was rushing by talking and I said that sometimes it takes time, despite my body having entered the room, for my mind to enter the room too. It always has. Even after five years with Old T there were times when it would take me a few minutes of just sitting to feel present.

I don't remember a great deal of the session, even though we had an hour and a half, but I certainly remember a lot more than last week. A lot more. I showed her a picture in my art journal. A picture of how it felt when she asked those questions in her email. I remember telling her how difficult I had found replying to that, and how, had that been five years ago, I don't think she would have ever seen me ever again. I told her how I had written three responses to her in total, but only one felt right to send, and that was the one that didn't answer the questions, but that explained why I didn't feel I could right now. She seemed accepting of my need to hold my boundaries, and she did seem to have let go of the requirement for that clinical information, for now. I am sure I will give it to her in time, if we continue in the way today went, but it has to be on my terms.

She looked at the wrong picture though, interestingly. She looked at the picture which was trying to explain the lifecycle of me. How I was growing, then shattered, then built a shell, which disappeared and left nothing, then slowly growing a real core again. I didn't explain it, but maybe I will.

I showed her half of the ten page letter that I wrote before we met last week. She read it out loud as I requested. I was/am grateful that she read it out loud. It makes it so much more real for me. To hear my words read by another person. I can hear them too then, and take them in. She has kept it, she asked if she could, and I wonder whether she will read it again. I didn't show her the second half... not quite ready for that yet.

We talked a bit about my Teenage One. What she needs. I don't know the answer to that question. We talked a bit about her maybe needing something different to Ex T. I think there may definitely be something in that. Fate... I definitely believe in fate. How all of this came about at the time that it did. Just as I had faced the wall and was ready. Maybe Ex T was the right person for Little One, and the right person to take me on the journey to where I could face the wall and survive, but maybe she isn't/wasn't the right person to venture past the wall with me. In my last session with Ex T she said that I deserved someone who had the energy to match Teenage One. Someone who could really give her what she needed.

We talked about anger a little. I showed her what I had written about my realisations recently, that my anger with Ex T served little purpose now as she was unable to see me, hear me or understand me at the moment. She simply has too much going on in her life right now. How I had realised that I didn't want to hurt her anymore than she was clearly hurting or hurt myself by getting consumed by these feelings. How I had realised that my feelings are possibly more rooted in the past than I had first seen, and that maybe I can use that energy going forwards.

Just writing this now, I realise another reason why emails are so important for me. It is because I don't remember most of what she says in the session. It took me years before I got to the point where I could truly hear Ex T, and I wonder if a similar thing may be going on. I even used to record our sessions because it seemed pointless otherwise! With the emails I have things written down. I am glad that she has agreed to use email with me, but not so keen that she will charge me for them. We have agreed on half an hour a week. I guess it makes it clear, and fair, and at least I will know that she is going to actually sit, read, digest and respond properly. That it won't be rushed. That it will be considered and (hopefully) helpful. I guess we just see how we go!

We talked a bit about how I find it so difficult to share my story if I don't feel able to tell the whole story. This manifests itself in my life so much, not just in therapy. I often don't share things, or communicate with people, because I don't know how to start if I don't think I will be able to tell them everything. It's complicated but I think she got it. I did feel understood today, which was nice. I didn't leave feeling like the lunatic of last week.

Back to Teenage One and what she needed. T mentioned the 'reparenting' word. I am not sure how I feel about that right now. I am not sure how Teenage One feels about that right now. Something to sit with maybe. She said that she sensed a lot of fear coming from Teenage One. I said that once I had drawn the lion (which she said seemed ferocious) I noticed how tired the lion looked. I got the picture out again to look at and I froze. Just sat there staring at the lion and I heard the words "do I really need to go through this again - do I really need to protect all of this again". Frozen. I couldn't move, couldn't think. It was as if she was saying "I can't do it all again" (tiredness) but yet there she was fighting to stop me sharing any of it. It reminded me of a child fighting sleep. Exhausted and barely keeping their eyes open but desperate not to succumb to it.

I remember feeling like I wanted to disappear. Get out of there. I had shared too much and I didn't know what to do about that. So I just sat there. She asked me what was going on for me. She asked me if there was anything the lion wanted to say to me, or anything I wanted to say to the lion (the lion is Teenage One) but I couldn't reply. Instead she suggested I take some deep breaths to try and get back into the room. It helped.

Before I left she said something about wanting to thank Teenage One. I thought that was interesting. And she asked me if I wanted her to book the room out for next week, so I said yes please. I have only just twigged that maybe the reason she wanted me to contract in for six sessions was so that she could ensure the room was available for hire. I hadn't even considered that... maybe I need to make sure it will be, and if it isn't guaranteed then book in for six sessions. If she books it maybe she can cancel it, but going by today, I would be happy to keep seeing her.

She seemed very active and engaging which I think is what my Teenage One needs. I think she is going to need a little bit of a push.
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Default Oct 11, 2021 at 03:15 PM
  #903
First of all, I’m not gonna find a replacement T that is exactly like my transference T no matter how hard I try. So I’m just going to have to give that up so I can get out of that mindset. This new therapist was honestly ok. She seemed a bit inexperienced. Not unprofessional at all. Just like maybe she was new? But she is comfortable with trans people. She has worked with people all over the autism spectrum. She knows about EDs. She takes Covid very seriously. All the things I need in a therapist. She laughed a lot and it was confusing at first. She explained that she liked to use humor. But she was serious when I was talking about serious things. One time she asked if I was throwing humor or not. So she’s respectful. She didn’t comment on my appearance and she wasn’t a blank slate either. So I mean I liked her. The laughing a lot was a little annoying but I’ll probably end up being fine with it and I’ll get used to it and probably go along with it as well. She charges a lot for emails. Which I’ve never heard of before. This place was kind of high end. At least that’s what my mom said.

But I mean she will work out if I’ll make it work out. But I did like her. I probably like her the second best of all the therapists I’ve had after my transference T.

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Default Oct 19, 2021 at 11:34 AM
  #904
She had to call the poison control center for an incident that happened last night. But she was super nice about the whole thing and was glad I was honest with her. I’m ok and I don’t need to go to the ER or IP. She gave me a chocolate peanut butter protein shake from the staff fridge because I have not been eating enough protein. She said she was really glad I was honest with her. I’m not honest with therapists usually because I don’t want them to send me IP or not understand because they don’t deal with EDs. But she didn’t freak out she just wanted to call them to make sure I ok physically. It was a very caring thing to do and nice of her to take her time. She didn’t say who she was or who I was. She just said she was with someone who had taken too many meds to help them sleep. I had her bring my mom in at the end so she was aware of the situation as well.

So far she’s been really helpful.

Transference T would have just said “you need to go the hospital for an assessment”No matter what the situation was.

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Default Oct 19, 2021 at 09:03 PM
  #905
That is great to hear, Mountain! This T definitely seems better, so far.
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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 02:43 PM
  #906
I just had my Pdoc session. I feel kind of gross the way he encourages my weight loss. He’s starting me back on topamax again. This time a higher dose to encourage faster weight loss. I told him about the surgery and the ER trips and the poison control center call. I told him I took all the meds to sleep through my hunger. So maybe he thinks the topamax will help me cut back on my sleep med ODs? I told him what I weigh and he said that’s not much. He said he could refer me to a weight loss specialist and I seriously doubt a weight loss clinic would take me seriously.

I mean it went good and I remembered to tell him everything and told him I was happy with my surgery and he was happy for me but he just makes me feel kind of gross sometimes.

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Default Oct 27, 2021 at 11:33 AM
  #907
I found out today my therapist is my exact age. I don’t know. I just thought based on her body shape and the way she dresses and the way she acts that she was about 10 years older then me. I’m wearing Hollister jeans and an Old Navy sweater and a Supreme beanie and boots and she’s super dressed up. It made me feel kinda strange when she told me we were the same age since we don’t look it. Even my therapists who were older then me looked like they were younger. But I do like her and she’s super professional. Today went good but all our progress went out the window once I came home and saw a group FB chat from my cousin regarding Thanksgiving. I was also hungry the whole session but I didn’t want to tell her I had skipped breakfast. But it went good just the age thing weirds me out a bit. She doesn’t seem bothered by it. I just haven’t in general gotten along with people my own age much in my life. So I don’t ever associate myself with them.

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Default Nov 17, 2021 at 11:59 AM
  #908
I was having some physical issues that made me act kinda drunk in therapy today. I told her what was going on so she knew I wasn’t actually under the influence. But man did I spill my guts out. I was having double vision and I was super tired so I was doing the session with my eyes closed and my index finger and thumb pressed against the bridge of my nose. But I told her everything. I told her about my crush on my transference T and I reassured her I only like older women and I’ve never liked women my own age. I told her basically everything from knowing I liked girls since I was 5 to having a crush on a female teacher in 4th grade which then led to the entire Jr. High spreading a rumor that I was gay in 7th grade. Then our conversation led to the issues that happened after Jr. High and then my senior year in high school and then what my work environment was like. I don’t know. I acted like I was ****ing high the entire time and I had complete word vomit for an hour straight. But at least she knew I wasn’t under the influence. She seemed to think the session went great though since I opened up so much to her and she was getting to know me more. She did suggest though as I was leaving that I either take a nap or get coffee. I also forgot to brush my teeth though which I can’t remember forgetting to do when I had a therapy session in years because I was trying to deal with some painful face acne this morning. I admitted this to her but she didn’t seem to think it was a big deal.

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Default Dec 21, 2021 at 12:25 PM
  #909
Today went well. I told her that I had slept normally and I didnt take anything extra for sleep, and I didnt have any caffeine yet I was exhausted and very anxious yet it just didnt add up. I also told her I felt like I had done something really bad last night even though I didnt and I felt like I wasnt me. She asked if I ever blacked out before and I mentioned one time having deperesonalization and then after that we did some guided imagery. She asked what my thoughts were when we were doing it and I admitted that I thought of my transfernce T and that if she was the one doing this with me I would have "flooded my basement." My T didnt quite get it and I dont think she really appreciated the term once I explained it. But then we talked about my transference T and how I've been doing better with her but that I still have my moments. She said ending things with her seemed like the right thing to do even if I had to deal with all those feelings after and then having to deal with the 2 therapists that I met with after my transfernce T that didnt work out. She asked if I felt abandoned by my transfernce T because of the IOP thing last Christmas. I said cut off was more like it. My current T said it sounded like I was getting support last Christmas just not the suppport I wanted. She told me I just wanted my transfernce T's support.

But it was a pretty deep session for it only being 10AM. And I feel better now.
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Default Jan 06, 2022 at 11:32 AM
  #910
Today was a milestone - my first in person session since March 2020. We discussed my feelings around Steve's final book being cancelled. There is a slim possibility of getting a copy, but it would entail reaching out to his family. This fed into a conversation about my long-standing difficulty with asking for...almost anything.

After the session, I came to the realisation that I don't have an easy way of reaching out to his family. There are options, but it would feel weird.

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Default Jan 12, 2022 at 05:10 PM
  #911
I told my therapist about my health issues and my doctors appointment tommorow. She acknolwded my anxiety about it and didn't dismiss my feelings at all. She said shes glad I went to the dentist and am getting things ruled out. She said peeing neon yellow is not a good sign. She asked a bit nervously if I had been tested for covid and I said yeah and the flu about a week ago.

We spent the rest of the time making a meal log. I was going to the grocery store anyways today and she wanted me to get some fruits and vegetables. I suck at eating things before they go bad so I just got a bunch of frozen stuff. But she made a chart for me of my weight loss goal and what I weigh now and she had things in 2 sections. What I eat now and what I should be eating. At the end she took a picture of the notes and emailed them to me.

after looking at the list of stuff I currently eat I do eat pretty badly.

I've never had a therapist talk about what she wanted to and have her own plan for the session. I know it may not be everyones cup of tea to not be in control of their therapy but I find it helpful that she has a plan for each session instead of just saying "its your therapy. What do you want to work on and talk about today?" Then we end up just BSing around the entire 50 minutes without making any progress.

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Default Jan 12, 2022 at 07:46 PM
  #912
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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed View Post
I told my therapist about my health issues and my doctors appointment tommorow. She acknolwded my anxiety about it and didn't dismiss my feelings at all. She said shes glad I went to the dentist and am getting things ruled out. She said peeing neon yellow is not a good sign. She asked a bit nervously if I had been tested for covid and I said yeah and the flu about a week ago.

Random question: Did you take any multivitamins or B vitamin supplements? Or, say, eat a protein bar with lots of B vitamins in it? Because B vitamins can make your pee neon yellow.
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Default Jan 12, 2022 at 07:51 PM
  #913
Or mountain dew can do it...

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Default Jan 13, 2022 at 08:30 AM
  #914
The only thing I took was a couple advil. But it was only that one day where it was neon yellow and I've been taking advil and drinking Mountain Dew and going normally since.

I eat Atkin bars but I haven't had an issue with those.

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Default Feb 03, 2022 at 09:15 AM
  #915
Today was one of those sessions where I desperately needed to get out of my way, but couldn't quite get there. It's four years since I recoiled enough at the word 'brave' that R agreed to replace it with the word 'courageous' when talking to me. In an email on Tuesday, I asked her to help me be brave when it came to dealing with the letter again. She now has my permission to use that word, however I am struggling with the notion that I am brave, because I'm finding it hard to voice the level of anger I feel at Steve's leaving.

I've experienced a lot of loss, but I have never experienced anything like this, where anger is so dominant. Maybe because Steve took himself out of the equation.

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Default Feb 11, 2022 at 07:56 PM
  #916
Today's session went so so good. She really said on pace except for once, but she stopped when I told her to stop. We talked about my transference with her. We talked about my childhood neglect. And we talked about all the things affecting me in her life. I cried a lot! But it was good! Got a lot out of me and feel so much relief now. Especially that I don't have to hide the transference anymore.

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Default Feb 17, 2022 at 07:59 AM
  #917
I feel like my sessions are either really good or she makes me feel funny. She called me weird last Wednesday which got me upset. Then I asked if she could see me on Monday. Which she couldnt. Then I sent an email Tuesday night saying I did not want to discuss any of the stuff we talked about last week. Because I felt like she was going to get me even more upset. I told her I felt like she was pysching me out. Then we had the session yesterday and it went good I thought. But then I wondered if maybe I was being a bit unfair to her by not discussing what happened last week. So I emailed her and asked if she had like 30 minutes to talk on Friday. I felt like I had back doored myself a bit but often when she trys to explain herself she ends up getting me even more upset by contiuning to say the wrong things and I was not feeling good physically yesterday and I didn't want to get more upset and get my physical issues going even more. But the office called me while I was at the doctors and told me she didnt have anything.

Its just confusing because I think my therapist thinks she needs to walk on eggshells around me but people have told me the stuff she tells me is not always polite. But on Wednesday I really will talk to her about things.

I did call about another therapist on Monday. But I have not heard back from him and if I can get my current one to work out these issues with me I'd like to keep working with her.

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Default Feb 17, 2022 at 10:14 AM
  #918
R began today’s session by confirming that she had received my email about the Online Harms Bill. She said her initial response was ‘Wow, perfect…’ but wondered what my response was.

‘What I got from the email was that you were going to do it?’

‘I’m closer to talking myself out of it.’

‘Why is that?’

‘Who am I to participate in something like that?’

‘You tell me.’

‘My experience is a million miles away from what people normally think of when they think about online harm. I stopped watching the news due to COVID, but before the only thing you saw was people who were unhappy about photographs being released.’

R said she had also stopped watching the news. ‘It’s on the car radio sometimes, but other than that..’
I spoke about how people automatically think that the existence of online spaces is a good thing for people with disabilities, but there is another side to that.

In some ways, online connection makes living with a disability easier, as online booking systems have become more commonplace in the pandemic.
I then spoke about my experience of going to the cinema before Christmas. R seemed pleased that I am pushing myself to try new situations. We spoke about the film briefly.

‘I enjoyed it, but bristled at ‘Grief is the price we pay for love and worth paying a thousand times over.’

‘I’ve heard that, I love it. It depends on your experience of grief, though.’
R offered that perhaps the fact that my experience is outside the norm is all the more reason for me to contribute to this survey.

I informed her that I’d researched all of the privacy policies, and the Victims Commissioner herself, finding out in the process that she was a patron of a disability charity.
‘You really have done your research.’

R reminded me of the visualisation exercise she has used when making significant decisions. It involves imagining each decision and noticing how it feels in your body.
I showed her the list of pros and cons I’d made, knowing that there were more ‘cons’. She said that she could list off the pros.

I’d begun the session by saying ‘If this is the conversation we are having, this is the conversation we should be having.’ As the session went on, the truth of that became apparent.
R asked how I was feeling about the decision towards the end of the session, ‘knowing that nothing has been resolved’. I informed her that I was now closer to doing it.

‘One of the elements of a good privacy policy is that they will delete your information if requested, yes?’

‘I haven’t participated in many online surveys or consultations, but the way I’m picturing it, there’s always an opportunity to go back, and there’s a Submit button at the end. Even if you get halfway through and it gets too much, you will have the opportunity to back away.’

Our breathing exercises today focused on releasing some of the angst that has built up over this decision. R reiterated that she is aware of the deadline – ‘If anything comes up in between, feel free to email.’

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Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

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Default Feb 23, 2022 at 11:38 AM
  #919
My therapist says I'm focused on too many things at one time and thats why my anxiety is spiraling out of control. She told me I need to just focus on the doctor and the blood work results first tommorow and she doesn't even want me to think about going back to work right now. We talked a lot about my anxiety about my doctors appointment tommorow and she was understanding today and didnt say anything that got me upset even when I mentioned work place harrasment. Basically I told her everything I was feeling and we worked it out. But she told me to utlisze my support system more because I asked for an extra session and she doesnt think I need to see her twice a week. I told her I had a lot of caffeine today because I had not been sleeping well since getting the news from my doctor on Monday and she could see me shaking. I'm glad she does not have acesss to my pdoc. But today went good and I feel good about my current therapy situation but I still feel anxious in general.

And today is the one year anniversary of my last session with my transfernence T and I honestly am not feeling anything about it and I did not mention it to my current therapist.

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Default Mar 01, 2022 at 08:46 PM
  #920
I wish I could remember more from my therapy sessions, but I don't, so I guess I just write about what I do remember. I have been seeing this New T for about 4 months now, properly, and have been increasingly coming to the point where I needed to either get on and tell her what the root cause of everything is or just give up completely. Before session today I had a last minute thought to write out some stuff, at the time having absolutely no idea whether I would share it or not. In fact, if you had asked me to make a bet I would have bet on me not sharing it. As usual I arrived, I came in, I washed my hands and I sat down, thick coat still on and blanket over my legs. I only with my blanket had been 10 times as thick because I was feeling incredibly exposed and felt I wanted a lot more protection. She sat down too. I don't remember what happened next. Maybe she just gave me plenty of space and time to settle in. There is often a lot of silence in our sessions. I am good with that. I like silence. It feels safe and comfortable and familiar.

I got my book out at some point, and showed her a spread I had done about hiding vs sharing. She commented that the fact that the hiding page had lots of reasons on it could be because that is what I have always known, whereas the prospect of sharing is actually a relatively new one, hence why it only had three things written on it. One of those I crossed out when I opened the book though, because I didn't believe in it as a reason anymore. 'Let someone care'. Must admit given what's gone on for me this last year, I don't now believe that anyone will ever genuinely care. I don't even know what genuinely caring means anymore. I thought I did, but now I am not so sure.

We looked at the book for a little while, not really sure what else was said, but somehow we must have got on to mentioning the reasons I find sharing hard. One of the big reasons is that I am scared that whoever I tell will downplay what happened to me. I spent a long time of my life downplaying it to myself, and only recently, with a lot of effort have started to see that it was traumatic, and that it is no wonder it had devastating consequences. But the voices that tell me "it's nothing; what are you doing making all this up; can't you just get over it already; everyone goes through stuff like this" etc are still quite strong, and I am scared that she will collude with those voices. I have built it up into something so enormous that I am always scared that when it is let out it won't be that big. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me. Anyway, I had written about this at the start of my 'letter' and so I folded it to only that part and gave it to her.

She said that she could see that whatever it was has had a very big impact on me, because she could see in the here and now how traumatising it was for me. She said that I can't talk when we get close to this, and that I freeze, I think. She asked if I knew the flight, fight, freeze responses. I nodded. She said that she wouldn't downplay whatever it was, that it didn't matter how other people might view it, that it only matters what I feel and how it impacted me. She then went on to say something about a path, that she had something in her head about this having put me on a certain path. This opened the way for me to show her the next bit of the letter where I too had written about paths. About how that one moment in my life had shut off many of the paths that I could have ended up travelling on. This made me to start feeling angry.

It does make me angry that they took so much away from me. That everything conspired to mean that I didn't become who I could have become. So many lost opportunities. So many lost hopes and dreams. She asked something about who I had been before this... I am not sure I fully understood the question but I answered 'happy'. I had been happy, I think. A lot of years of lost happiness.

I could see from the clock that we had been there for an hour. Only 30 minutes left. Was I going to let another week go by without sharing? Without showing? I'm not sure what happened or why I finally felt I could/would/wanted to show her the rest, but I knew that I couldn't show it all, so I ripped off the last section. The one memory that tells me how far it went. I wonder whether I felt that by still keeping that card close to my chest I could share the rest of it? I gave her the paper. She read it in silence rather than normal, reading it out. I'm not ready to hear any of this said back to me yet. She said some stuff, no idea what though, but it made me realise that I still hadn't told her expressly what happened, and, unlike my first 'T', she doesn't strike me as someone to outwardly read between the lines. I figured I needed to tell her. What was the point of sharing all of that if she still didn't actually know what happened. So I took the last remaining piece of paper, folded away the bit that no-one knows and showed her the rest.

She cried. I think. I mean I couldn't see it, but I could hear it. Not like crazy blubbing or anything, but a slight tear, a little sniffle. She said "I am so sorry. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am so sorry" While I just sat there. Emotionless. I think. Except one. Fear. Again, I can't tell for sure because I spent the entire session facing away from her, but I felt her inch just a little closer and she said "you are safe here. You are safe in this room. They can't hurt you in here". To which my written reply was "they can't, but you can". My fear doesn't (mostly) stem from a distorted reality that I am back in that place. I know I am not. Rather it comes from a very real place that people hurt other people. All the time. Children hurt children. Adults hurt children. Adults hurt adults. How the hell do I know that she isn't going to spot this weakness in me and abuse that. I don't. And so I have to vehemently protect myself. At all times.

I think I drifted off at one point. Dissociated I guess. Safest place to be sometimes.
And then I told her it was pancake day and spent a couple of minutes talking about pancakes until it was time to leave.
I said goodbye and got up and walked out. A weird end to a weird session.

Oh yeah, she also said something like she promised me she wouldn't hurt me, and she promised she wouldn't let me down. My first thought? Don't make promises you can't keep.

I guess I just go back next week and see what happens next!?
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