In Session Today: Part VI

Well my therapist is pregnant and I have no idea how that is going to play out later when she needs to take time off and stuff. Like how long she will be out and how long we'll have to do virtual and stuff. Basically I was just trying not to lose my ****ing mind that she was having a baby at her age. I thought she looked pregnant. But I thought no way shes too old. And thats not something you ask someone. Then she told me and it just blew my mind. After that I had trouble making eye contact even though my eye contact had been great during all our other sessions. I'm not sure if its my dysphoria or if I was just trying not to stare or what. She said my clothes were baggy and its like ***** these are size 30/30 jeans and an XS hoodie. That comment kinda annoyed me. I think I was just hangry the whole time. She offered me a Fiber One bar but I took half a bite of it and then left it untouched because I hate eating in front of people. I told her this and she said its an eating disorder behavior. I did come home and ate half a bottle of plant based eggs and a tablespoon of Wow butter and I took my Prestiq. So I am not hangry or ornery anymore.

hope you don't mind me replying here. how old is she? just curious. I was 36 when my son was born back in 1998, my first and only. i worried that i was too old, and I was on bed rest for like the last month before he was born, but everything else was great.

She is 46. She has other children who are adults so my mom is thinking this one may not have been planned. But I don't know, maybe it was planned.

Therapy was very productive today. I was very focused because I had my anxiety and my nausea under control, and I had eaten breakfast and I slept decently last night. We mainly talked about work. My fears and also how I was fact checking at the same time. We talked about my weight and food. She brought it up. I said I was confused about what I wanted. I didn't always like being a small guy when I looked in the mirror, but I also liked seeing lower numbers on the scale and it was hard for me to eat a lot. I told her I would try and eat as much as possible on as little calories. She was alarmed at that and said "that is for sure eating disorder behavior." I was really confused because I've been doing that for literal years and never thought it was an issue. She said she bets I can list off the calories of any food she gives me which is also an ED behavior. I asked if she thought I had one. She said she thinks I'm somewhere in between disordered eating and an eating disorder. She wants me to put on some weight but I don't know if that is necessary.

Anyways today was good because of the steps I took before the session to make it a good session.