[DP_2017]

I don't talk about my sessions much and even here it's just gonna be a summary. I value my privacy about this stuff quite a bit... BUT I'm deeply struggling with regret about it. I initially felt like "Wow that went well" and was hopeful and content and within days, it all changed and now I'm just filled with regret and anger at myself for not saying things. I feel like I was present but also not. I'm angry at the part that was not.

We went on our walk like usual, and it was a fun and simple chat. He had told me that they had not planned to replace him (which is not true as there is an ad online for his job now) and who would be using his office etc. We talked about my new crappy job and his job and how he had been contacted by a few people from his past recently and had planned to meet up with them. Getting to the building again was super sad, the reality of "Well that was it" was hard to swallow... but I had asked him to keep things normal as possible. So afterwards he got my dog a dish of water like usual. When we got to the room, I had suggested we do the photo first because someone was in the building still to take it, so he agreed.

We got back to the room, and discussed more about the new job and how he claimed most of his co workers didn't care he was leaving. He originally told me he planned to cut all of them off which made me feel better but this time he said, he was thinking of keeping in touch with 2 of them. One is a married mom... which seems odd to me with a single guy..... but anyway... the other was the other male T there and they were friends I guess. So it was hard for me to hear that. Knowing they were good enough but I wasn't.

We talked about the potential for 2 yrs again (this had come up every session since he told me the news and he was never angry about it) and as usual, he was open and kind about it. Trying to say how he doesn't plan to be "that different" by then and he doesn't plan to leave the state etc... we even joked about him needing to spend more time in my city so we could bump into each other. He had again told me, if we did see each other he would "Happily chat" with me. It's unlikely considering our distance now but still.

Then he brought up my email. I had emailed earlier in the week some thoughts about everything and he initial reply was "I can't respond to this. I am trying to decide if I can write something up or talk in person" and it came off as uncaring to me so when he mentioned the email. I shut it down. I told him it was nonsense and stupid and not to worry about it. Normally he would call me on it but he didn't, a huge regret now is not discussing that email. I have no idea why I was so dumb not to.

Then we got around to the game. I had asked to play a game and he agreed. We played for over 30 min, lots of laughs and some chit chat along the way. I enjoyed it until we put it away, and my heart sank. He had pulled out his goodbye letter and read it to me. Honestly, it sucked. It was very "therapist" like and the only reason I kept it was in the end, he had a few inside jokes. Otherwise I wasn't a fan. It seemed so generic and lame.

After that, we laughed and talked about how he would lose his phone the next day and have to use a flip phone for a while, he showed me it. He was making jokes about how even his mom had an iPhone LOL. Then he said "Well, it's that time" and I wanted to vomit. We grabbed the box of things he gave to me (something related to our therapy stuff he had no use for) and he walked to my car with me. He said goodbye to my dog in the backseat and then I gave him a copy of my goodbye letter (he heard me read it the previous session but originally said to keep it, then last session asked to have it)

Then the moment of dread came. The final hug. He let it go longer than usual, and I told him "I'm really gonna miss you" and for the first time ever he said "I will miss you too" Normally I'd joke about him missing me and he would just laugh and say nothing.
Then I said "I hope to see you again someday" and he said "Just give it time" I asked what he meant by that, if he was assuming I'd forget him. He said something about needing more support to get through it so its not as difficult. I have no idea why that was the reply to that. Anyway, I said "Good luck with everything" and he said "Thanks" and we parted ways. For some reason, on his walk back, he turned back a few times to look at me. Never said anything, never waved. I was so angry at myself because I planned to tell him 'I love you' when we hugged and I didn't and I didn't yell it out after either. I have no idea why, probably because mentally I checked out. I watched him go back into his offiice and take off his coat and I started to cry. I badly wanted to call him and say "Come back out!" but I refuse to come off needy.

I realized before I drove off that I had brought something I made for my dog I wanted to show him and forgot, so I took a pic, and texted it. I also texted "Thanks for everything, I love you. Until we meet again...." and he didn't reply to that which I knew he wouldn't but he did reply to the pic, at almost 10pm, which was odd. He made a funny reply with a smiley face. I felt good about things. Then I made a stupid error the next day, knowing he was getting his phone turned off since it was a work phone, and early before his therapy session, I texted our photo. I had totally forgot to show him. He had the worst text reply ever. "Thanks. I will save everything off the phone before the factory reset" and then I replied with something about have a nice holiday and a joke about enjoying his new flip phone and silence...... so his last text to me, was pure garbage. It felt so blah and I think it's hugely what changed my mood. I mean we had ALWAYS had funny texts, and kind texts and that was crap. Nothing final sounding, no holiday wish, nothing. I felt like he was annoyed with me and I went too far.

Anyway.... again I'm not sure why I posted this. I just am struggling with the regrets like, why didn't we talk about the emails, why didn't I actually SAY I love you, why didn't I ask to walk elsewhere.... etc.... and the final text really made me feel crappy even though I know he has long forgotten it already, it's not like he's concerned. Heck we used to do scheduled texting Fridays and by session Tues he would forget nearly everything we talked about in text. However, I can't stop thinking about it and feeling like I messed up, and he hates me.

Hugs DP. I wish I knew how to be helpful to you. I know my therapy ending 3+ weeks ago was different because it was mutually decided, not forced on me, but even so I feel the profound loss in no longer having t in my life. I've hesitated to say anything much about it because of it being a decision she and I made together, I feel a little like I don't have the right to grieve the loss but... I do miss her/us... Anyway hugs and I hope you can find peace with your situation.

[Anne2.0]

That you'd have regrets along with the grief, and revisit what happened and what it meant, all seems like a normal reaction. I wish it wasn't such a struggle for you and as painful as it is. I have sometimes found grief can be a lens for learning something, about myself, about the world. I don't think I'd choose learning over pain if I had a choice, but that's when grief doesn't feel like a massive black hole underneath a trap door.

I think you're doing really well with it, to be able to write about what's true for you here (or anywhere really). I tend to think that if you can talk about it, you can survive it.

[Waterloo12345]

I think the session sounded like it went the best it could in very difficult circumstances. Of course you dissociated - it was very intense emotionally and that's what I do at least. It's hard to live with regrets and maybe whatever you had done or said you would have regrets. My dog says woof woof.

Thanks for sharing this with us. From your description and to an outsider like me, it does not sound like your T did not care about you at all. More the opposite even - he engaged in messy ways of relating because he probably just wanted to follow his desires but then felt guilty and tried to conceal it. As for the regrets, I wonder if there is a single significant relationship where people do not have at least some regrets. I actually regret not doing therapy entirely differently - it might have been more useful with how, I think, I would do it now. The thing is though that we can only push ourselves so far even if we have awareness that suggests a clear course of action. There are very few human relationships that end with complete, proper, satisfying closure.

I actually quite regret that I did not terminate therapy with my last T in person and did not discuss with him my conclusions. I liked that guy but just told him via email and we never had a meaningful conversation on why therapy was not very successful for me, it might have been useful for both of us. I regret that I never showed him the realizations I made regarding how my therapy ended. Oh well.

[DP_2017]

Thanks guys. I know somehow, in time I'll be ok. I wont forget him. I wont stop loving him. Those are just givens. I just hope he remembers me and thinks of me sometimes. I hope I really meant something to him beyond "just a job" and I hope in 2 years, if nothing else, we can at least say hi.

[susannahsays]

I don't know if this may be true for you, but I think it is not uncommon for people to find things to regret about difficult situations. I don't know why. What helps me is when I realize I'm becoming disgruntled over something I was initially fine with, I ask myself if I would actually feel any better if the regretted things had been done differently. Much of the time, the answer is no. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that you'd be having just as hard a time even if you'd said I love you and talked about the email. When I realize I have identified regrets that don't actually affect the final outcome, it makes it easier to lay them to rest.

[DP_2017]

You are right and normally I'm REALLY good at getting myself out of these funks. I think I need to realize that even if I didn't say it then, He knew I felt that way. I told him several times in writing. I texted him it after last session and it was part of my goodbye letter that he took. I read it out loud and so he heard me say it, the session before last. The thing is, even if I did say it, it wouldn't matter to him. I don't think he cared at all that I felt that way. I think he feels it was "just part of therapy" and not real feelings. So no matter when or how many times I said it, it wouldn't matter and I told him he couldn't say it to me, I instantly would distrust him if he did. So I'm glad he at least respected that even though I don't believe he loved me anyway

As for the email, I re-read it again, and honestly we did talk about quite a bit of it.... in previous sessions, I just felt there was one issue we kinda didn't see eye to eye on and I needed to clarify. I did in the email, so he read it, he knew how I felt.... we didn't discuss it but he knew.

I keep thinking but maybe if I had asked him all the specifics about the future, I'd feel better but I doubt it. The reality is, no one can predict the future. I outright asked him one of the final sessions "You are open to contact in two years right?" "Yes" and then I said "How likely are you to reply if I do?" and he said "I have no idea where I'll be then" initially I thought he meant location but we later discussed that he has lived here his whole life and has no plans to ever leave this area.... what I think he means, is mentally. Will he be in a place to want that contact then? Maybe. Will I? Maybe. It can't be predicted for either of us until that time comes. So I need to try to remind myself of that. I may not care, he may not care, we both may care. There's many options.... who knows?

I don't think any amount of "talking" it out would change the fact that neither of us could say for sure how we will feel and react then. I totally get that.

I think I'm most bothered by the final text. I just wish he had left me with a smiley face or a holiday greeting, not something that sounded so uncaring and robotic but again, that's all been deleted on his end now, he cares 0 about any of it... and surely isn't obsessing over it. I keep thinking all of these things will play a factor in the future but the reality is, none of it will. The only factor is, how him and I both feel then. Nothing else. It's hard but that's the truth.

I want to try and do my best to become a better version of myself for the future.... if we meet, great, he can see a better and improved me.... if we don't, that's ok too because maybe I'll still be happier with myself. The problem is, it's hard to get there. It's hard not to fall into these old patterns.

At least I'm grateful that I have some trips planned in 2019, some things to look forward to. To take my mind off things, although they are not until March.

Anyway, thanks again for the replies

[RaineD]

Reading your account of your last session, I really do think your T cared about you. I'm sorry things had to end the way they did. It sucks, and it seems really sad. But there probably was no other way. He is bound by his profession's ethical code.

This probably doesn't make you feel any better, but I get the sense that it was sad for him too.

I was surprised reading this session that he appeared to be as boundaried and removed as this description indicates. I had always assumed that he was carelessly flaunting the boundaries at every opportunity. He actually sounds quite measured, not particularly effective or therapeutic in his approach, but not particularly personal.

As for the regrets, yes, that's hard. And shite because there's always another regret to be found. I guess a forced termination is prime ground for regrets.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by SorryOozit

but not particularly personal.

Probably not so much in the final session but in general, yes very much so. I also didn't mention what game, it's very "unethical" I'd guess.... and it got personal with the answers.

However yes I get what you were saying.

[SalingerEsme]

Truth or dare?

[DP_2017]

Oh you were guessing the game, lol.

No, not that. I wont say here what it is.... but it's very "Adult" only type game.

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Oh you were guessing the game, lol.

No, not that. I wont say here what it is.... but it's very "Adult" only type game.

I have never ever....

Strip poker....

Why do you repeatedly tease us with the scandalous game? C'mon, just put it in a trigger warning

[blackocean]

sounds like maybe Cards Against Humanity ?

[Anne2.0]

Sometimes the reactions of other people are different than anticipated. I don't mind if you don't want to disclose, although I think disclosing would be a check on your perceptions (and on ours). But I could understand if that would feel like an intrusion on the privacy/intimacy of your last session, which is special, or any other reason you don't want to say.

[SalingerEsme]

Spin The Bottle?

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Spin The Bottle?

Haha no but that cracked me up. I've actually never played that

Originally Posted by Waterloo12345

I have never ever....

Strip poker....

Hhahahahaa omg...I think He'd of had a stroke if I suggested that!

Originally Posted by blackocean

sounds like maybe Cards Against Humanity ?

Nope, but he probably would have, I just don't think that one is dirty enough for me LOL

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Oh you were guessing the game, lol.

No, not that. I wont say here what it is.... but it's very "Adult" only type game.

Im thinking Cards against Humanity

[junkDNA]

Which I personally wouldn't freak out if you said you played that with your therapist, I mean jts got some suggestive stuff in it but...idk. I dont find that a huge deal

[DP_2017]

it's not cards against humanity, I find that game kinda lame/tame. It's not dirty enough for me LOL

I'm glad you wouldn't care, some might and it's for sure unethical. He even knew it, he said he "shouldn't have ever played it" but then agreed to again at the end, we did it several times before and yes very suggestive game

[susannahsays]

What do you mean by "dirty"

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

it's not cards against humanity, I find that game kinda lame/tame. It's not dirty enough for me LOL

I'm glad you wouldn't care, some might and it's for sure unethical. He even knew it, he said he "shouldn't have ever played it" but then agreed to again at the end, we did it several times before and yes very suggestive game

I get a sense that you're bragging about your t doing unethical things... which I find odd

[DP_2017]

Unethical by whose standards? Lol

This thread didn't need to be brought back. I've decided it's no one's business here about stuff with my t
Done sharing things.