[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi, all.

I'm going to put a Trigger icon on this just in case. I'm coming to the realisation that I'm experiencing a lot of anger at the moment, not towards R, but towards the people who caused me psychological harm.


I feel unable to express anger outwardly, due to fear of causing others emotional harm, so it's doing a number on me inwardly. (I haven't said so in so many words to R)

Wondered whether anybody had experience of dealing with anger at absent abusers within the context of a session, and whether you might be willing to share some strategies. R said that she could do some research to find some exercises we could do together. I got the sense that she was only half joking when she offered that we could swear at one another. I'm thankful to know where the boundary is, though...anger is OK, anger at her is less so.


Thanks for any thoughts you might be able to offer.

Lost

[happysobercrafter]

Hi, Lost,

I can relate to what you are saying. When I am angry about anything, this helps me: I sit down and type it out privately. If writing it out helps you, go for it. Anyway, I get as much of it out of my system as possible and then I recognize how I feel about it. I accept those feelings; they are mine; I own them.

Someone wrongs me, I face what they did and exactly HOW I feel about that. Meet yourself where you are; not where someone else thinks you should be. Am I making sense? You pace your recovery based on what you need. I cannot stress enough how important that is.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thank you, HC.

I have a journalling practice, and yet I even find myself being guarded through that. I get the sense that this is somehow about me having the courage to say 'You know what, that was not OK, by any stretch of the imagination.'

To whom, I'm not sure.

[SlumberKitty]

I've never been good at expressing anger. Even less so in session. If I'm out of session, I'll throw baseballs with my Dad or play basketball, or soccer, and it works out some of that emotion. In session, I've just always shut down. I wish I had something better to offer. HUGS if you want them. Kit

[mcl6136]

I express a teeny bit of anger and I think it LOOKS LIKE I've had a purple foaming fit. It's like some people who have a distorted body image or cannot figure out what a proper portion size is....I cannot see what a "little irked" looks or feels like.

If I signal mild annoyance, I worry for about a week that I've gone completely off the beam and transgressed social norms. Meanwhile, nobody even NOTICED.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thank you, mcl, that resonates with me. The Critic is in the corner foaming, Grinch-like...'Whatever will they think?' I'm trying to learn that sharing my pain with people doesn't cause them the same harm that was done to me.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Thank you, mcl, that resonates with me. The Critic is in the corner foaming, Grinch-like...'Whatever will they think?' I'm trying to learn that sharing my pain with people doesn't cause them the same harm that was done to me.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Wondered whether anybody had experience of dealing with anger at absent abusers within the context of a session, and whether you might be willing to share some strategies. R said that she could do some research to find some exercises we could do together. I got the sense that she was only half joking when she offered that we could swear at one another. I'm thankful to know where the boundary is, though...anger is OK, anger at her is less so.

It stinks when you're ready to express anger at an abuser but they are absent. Mine was dead by the time I was ready. So I did this in my T's office-- I brought a little wooden box shaped enough like a casket at a craft store, one with hinges, and a little plastic skeleton from a party store. I wrote a letter to him where every sentence began "I am angry about . . . . " I wrote R.I.P. abuser on the casket, read the letter out loud (sobbing the whole time), then put the letter in the casket and we tromped out to the dumpster and tossed it in.

Another thing I did with this former T (and she was really good at helping me think of what would help me, because I refused to talk to an empty chair or do other kinds of techniques like beat an inflatable dummy with an inflatable bat)-- not with anger, but another emotion that I was having trouble expressing. She suggested I make a collage, something you could do now with powerpoint or photoshop or even Word using phrases and images without any paper at all, but I cut stuff out of magazines that "spoke" to me about ___ and then I pasted them on poster board.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

I'm trying to learn that sharing my pain with people doesn't cause them the same harm that was done to me.

This is really so very true. My job requires I listen to people who have experienced a crapton of traumatic events, and sometimes people say something like "I don't want to hurt you by telling you what happened to me." I always say that being hurt is not contagious, that I might feel a little flash of sadness or anger for what they went through but it won't hurt me. They then go on to tell me, and when I don't spontaneously combust I think they feel pretty good.

I've sworn at T many times.
But then Im fine with anger.
Some people need to be disturbed emotionally.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thanks, Jessica. Not sure what you're suggesting by your last line.

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Thanks, Jessica. Not sure what you're suggesting by your last line.

The op said she was afraid to cause her abusers emotional harm.
In saying that maybe protecting them from that experience isn't necessary

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thanks for clarifying. As the OP, I am not concerned about causing my abusers emotional harm, but I am aware that I will not get the opportunity to share the impact of their actions with them.


The emotional harm I am concerned about is that which I perceive coming from the effect of my experiences on others. Does that clarify?

I am usually quite direct in expressing my dissatisfaction and anger but like to first think if it is truly warranted because I am not a fan of displaced anger. Regarding my past, I felt a lot of anger surfacing about my mother about 10 years ago, just after she died... I was not even aware of it much and connected to it first through a long series of recurring nightmares involving her. Then thought about it and processed it mentally in waking life. Not via therapy though, it was long before I got into therapy for the first time.

In therapy, I preferred to express direct anger related to the therapist's acts or our clashes rather than my own other anger. When it was about my own other anger (unrelated to therapy), I preferred to discuss it in a rational, civil way rather than emotionally. My second T grossly misinterpreted me in all this though - I think that was more a personality clash than anything else.

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Thanks for clarifying. As the OP, I am not concerned about causing my abusers emotional harm, but I am aware that I will not get the opportunity to share the impact of their actions with them.


The emotional harm I am concerned about is that which I perceive coming from the effect of my experiences on others. Does that clarify?

You're saying that If you vent your anger at your abusers, you are afraid to suffer how that might make you feel?

I think you're trying to rationalise anger. Anger happens. Maybe get angry more often? Get use to its Feel? Make friends with it?

Therapy built me up inside. It doesn't make someone happy or better. It helps you live life, live all situations, all human emotions and survive them. Not be ruled by them.

Get angry. Feel hoe it makes you feel. And go with it.

[Out There]

My T did the " empty chair " exercise with me. He literally got a chair , put it opposite me and told me to have a go at whoever it had been.... and a tirade came out. Then I felt much better. He was paying close attention to what I said and what was coming out of course.