There are all sorts of sayings, quotes & platitudes we hear during our recovery processes ... Some are helpful, some are not, and some are like wtf?!? ... This thread is a place to post the ones you've heard that you simply hate, loathe and/or despise and why it is that you feel that way about them ... With that being said, I'll get it started with ...

That one about "YOU ARE NOT ALONE" really just chaps my behind ... While that statement may be true, most of us are having to eat crap sandwiches that we never even asked for in the first place, and that statement right there certainly doesn't make any of our crap filled sandwiches taste any less crappier (IMHO!) ... That is why I hate hearing that worn out recovery phrase over and over and over again!

[Anne2.0]

"Trust the process." My T has never said this, meaning I never have had to mercilessly mock him for such foolishness. Actually my T doesn't say this or any other platitude that I've heard quoted about things therapists say. When I was in law school I hung with some clinical psychs in training and they were terrible about saying things like "I hear you" and "you seem ___ (obvious emotional state)".

[WishfulThinker66]

Be 'gentle' to yourself

[CartDown]

"This too shall pass. "

Shove it.

[ArtleyWilkins]

"No one can make you feel anything." While true, it grated on my nerves to be reminded of it because I much rathered not have to take responsibility for my emotional responses. It was work to consciously think through my emotional reactions and process through healthier, more rational, alternative ways to responding to whatever was irking me at the time. LOL.

[susannahsays]

• "Your feelings are valid" - I know this is actually a really popular one, but I hate it. I don't think all feelings are valid. The definition of valid is: sound; just; well-founded. Whenever I hear this phrase, though, it's when a person's feelings are the opposite of sound, just, or well-founded. Your feelings are your feelings - they exist and can be recognized, but that doesn't make them valid. Seems like therapists have changed the definition of the word and it's spread like wildfire - but exclusively as it applies to this phrase. I really don't think it does anybody any favors to act like unreasonable feelings are reasonable.
• Anything about self compassion, which is funny because I have found myself falling into the trap of repeating these annoying platitudes to others on occasion. I mostly just don't like word "compassion." Saying "don't be so hard on yourself" is ok, saying "try to have self compassion" is annoying. Also, there are times when people don't really need to have more self compassion, but having a little more empathy for other people would probably be helpful. Too much self compassion makes us all a bunch of self absorbed assholes.
• "You will do [x thing] when you are ready" - I am a serial procrastinator, so this is laughable
• "You know yourself best/you know what you need" - no, I have no clue who I am and what I need seems like a very abstract concept that I can't quite grasp most of the time.
• "You/I aren't mentally ill because it makes sense that we are the way we are due to what we've been through" - this is a sensitive subject, but an important one. This platitude reinforces the stigma against mental illness and it is also completely illogical. When somebody gets sick with the flu, it is also because what they've been through (exposure to the virus), but that doesn't make them not ill.
• "You can choose to feel differently" - this has to be one of the most invalidating things I've ever heard, and it's hilarious when the same people who say all feelings are valid also say this. I think there is often value in going against one's feelings, but that is completely different from just choosing to change them. For example, the therapist said to me last session that I could choose to trust her. I could choose to act as if I trust her in telling her certain things, but that wouldn't actually mean I trust her. I would be going against how I feel. Maybe that would lead to actual trust, maybe not. But I don't think feeling differently is a purely cognitive process most of the time, which is probably why I personally find CBT so useless.

[here today]

"Don't take it personally."

Well, but I AM this time. And wonder -- I offered some platitudes on another thread, and, yes, it's certainly good to know they can often rub people the wrong way. But "it wasn't intentional". And, yes, that one bugs me a lot, too.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

My mom actually used to tell me 'no one can make you feel anything'. It annoyed me to bits.

Thankfully my T does not seem to use any of these phrases except for some statements about being alone. But those were always more elaborate and explained how I could see having a memory of people like him in my mind would make me feel not so alone, which is for me personally very helpful.

[Taylor27]

Everything will get better, this has been told to me numerous times. So annoying

"Inner child" makes me want to vomit.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

“Everything happens for a reason.”

F*** that.

[LabRat27]

I told my T that being asked to "find meaning" or "make meaning" from ****** stuff was basically ""everything happens for a reason" Lite"

Anyone telling me that "abuse" made me kind or whatever (oversimplifying here) is basically
1. giving someone/something else credit for whatever good things they see in me
2. reinforcing my own belief that my own feelings don't matter, that it's what I can do for others that matters (me being kind is a focus on what I do for others, not for myself... while it's important to me, it shouldn't be used as a silver lining to my own pain, because I already put others' wants and needs first)

[stopdog]

Are these things a therapist tells you?

[sarahsweets]

I thought you meant recovery sayings as in AA or NA so I'll chime in... "Time takes time.." Well Duh....

Not just individual therapy (and therapists), but also in group therapy as well as inpatient/outpatient treatment centers, AA type meetings, and also by other people (in and not in recovery), and sites that deal with mental health, addiction and recovery.

Just psychobabble in general ...

Another one I hate is a quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt about nobody being able to make us feel inferior without our consent ...

The woman must have never met a human being who's self-worth had been utterly annihilated in their childhood by the very people who were supposed to be building them up instead of breaking them down.



*With apologies to @sarahsweets because I didn't realize you had already responded to this particular post before I deleted it in order to re-post it with a couple of corrections ... I needed to tweak a couple of items on the last couple of sentences to fine tune it ... Sorry!

Self soothe.

[Xynesthesia2]

I was also annoyed by many of the phrases used in AA, how they put them on the wall in some meetings, and how some people parrot them in conversation.

Some used in the therapy world:

"It's the relationship that heals." And other crap about the sacred nature of what goes on between T and client.
When therapists say something about "the room" as some higher-order dimension of space. Also "safe space".
"Holding" regarding whatever the T does.
"We will work through it." I never know what this means.
"It is what it is."
"Radical acceptance"

[piggy momma]

"Hang in there..."

I've heard this from therapists....like, I'm trying ok, but not helpful when I'm reaching out because I'm struggling.

Oh!, and that one about not letting our struggle to become our identity ...

WTF?!?!?

How can our struggle not be a part - and sometimes all of - our identity?

I think some people just don't realize how harmful these kind of statements are for those of us trying to overcome some really traumatic (mind altering) life events!

[Xynesthesia2]

I think most of these platitudes arise meaning well and with an intention to help, but often in situations when people don't actually know how to help and what to say that is meaningful and appropriate. Sometimes when the helper is clueless but still wants to transmit some kind of power. I read in some therapy books that Ts would be better to "use" silence in situations where they don't know anything meaningful to say or that are obviously not things that can just be changed by thinking differently. But is silence better? They the client might think they don't care or it becomes truly obvious that they have nothing to offer. I don't know.

Another one I very much dislike from everyday life is "money does not buy happiness". A really pseudo-wise banality usually spoken by someone who is just as much part of society as anyone else.

[susannahsays]

When the therapist doesn't know what to say, she has said as much. I think that's better than silence or some platitude.

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I thought you meant recovery sayings as in AA or NA so I'll chime in... "Time takes time.." Well Duh....

If we're talking 12 step, I ****ing hate anything about "character defects"
I do just fine with the self loathing on my own. I don't need others agreeing that my fundamental character is flawed.
My "core belief" that I am fundamentally bad is something I often experience as a feeling that I am somehow of fundamentally defective character, and I've thought of it in those words since long before I was familiar with the phrase in any 12 step context, so hearing it there was kind of a shock.

[Xynesthesia2]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

If we're talking 12 step, I ****ing hate anything about "character defects"
I do just fine with the self loathing on my own. I don't need others agreeing that my fundamental character is flawed.
My "core belief" that I am fundamentally bad is something I often experience as a feeling that I am somehow of fundamentally defective character, and I've thought of it in those words since long before I was familiar with the phrase in any 12 step context, so hearing it there was kind of a shock.

Not strictly the topic of this thread but this has been one of my main criticisms of the 12-step programs and one that turned me off from using that approach much for recovery. On top, they often demand that those character defects are analyzed and rejected on and on and on, forever. And that whatever negative experiences and challenges a person faces, it is due to the nature of the addict in them. Reminds me of those extreme therapy themes where everything negative and troubling we experience in life is related to (or even caused by) the mother... Not the latter also annoys me no end when it is overused in certain therapy modalities.

[FearLess47]

This post makes me happy.

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Only 2 options for getting through something. Alive or not.

"Everything happens for a reason." No. Things happen. We assign meaning. Or we don't.

"Self care."

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia2

Not strictly the topic of this thread but this has been one of my main criticisms of the 12-step programs and one that turned me off from using that approach much for recovery. On top, they often demand that those character defects are analyzed and rejected on and on and on, forever. And that whatever negative experiences and challenges a person faces, it is due to the nature of the addict in them. Reminds me of those extreme therapy themes where everything negative and troubling we experience in life is related to (or even caused by) the mother... Not the latter also annoys me no end when it is overused in certain therapy modalities.

It always seemed to me like one of the many ways it operates like a cult. Which is not to say that it is a cult, but that it employs many of the same tactics because they're effective. Break down someone's self esteem, then present yourself as the solution. It's a lot harder to leave if they're come to believe that the group/program is the only way they can be redeemable.

I have a lot of strong opinions on this, sorry for the thread hijack. I'll just say that I have had a much different and very positive experience with SMART Recovery. It's non 12 step, secular, REBT/CBT based, emphasizes your power of choice rather than powerlessness, and has 4 "points" that are aspects of recovery, but are not steps or specific things that you "must" do. I've been sober for over a year and a half now, no 12 step stuff.
12 step works for some people, and I'm glad it does. It does not work for everyone, and I'm glad there are other options available, and I wish they were more well known and accessible.

Edit: oh and I'm sure there's plenty of something similar to transference with sponsors for a lot of people. And they're telling their sponsor all their deepest secrets and "character defects" looking for some kind of absolution or approval. What could possibly go wrong there?
It ends badly often enough even with trained professionals and much stricter boundaries.