[Omers]

I have been in and out of therapy since 1994, mostly in. I have worked with about ten different therapists usually for 2-3 years each. All my experiences were benign or harmful. The last T I worked with had taught where I had gone to graduate school. A friend had taken her classes and I always enjoyed her presence and thoughts on things. I was very excited that she would take me on as a client after my previous T abruptly terminated with me the session after emergency call. New T and I tried for 3 years and got no where. We ended up talking about horses every session as the time in between dragged longer and longer just so I could keep my P doc. So we stopped.
I got married and did well for a little over two years before my whole being needed to persue healing again. So after 6 mo of searching I emailed a new. We have been working together 5 sessions now and it is totally different. I have worked with people with little experience to those who had been at it longer than I was alive. I have worked with T’s with all kinds of training.
So, now new T... I have not worked with a man before because I spent most of my life absolutely terrified of men. I warned him of this history but that I had gotten much more comfortable with men and that I was afraid of reentering therapy because of past experiences. Now I am totally lost. Session 1. Was a typical session. Session 2. He invited me to a different part of his office that he calls his work space. Sessions 2-4 were spent mostly doing a genogram and basic history in his “work space”. So this past week was the first session that was mostly “work” but light work as I do not have an appointment next week. He is more directive with me than most were and doesn’t let up a bit when I get anxious or defensive... but he is SO gentle, empathetic and connected. I have complex PTSD and a lot of fears and anxiety but spent the whole session agreeing to things like letting him be behind me, closing my eyes... basically giving up control, something I don’t do. But I was so comfortable with him I actually found myself getting frustrated that he would ask me to try something followed by “if you are OK with it”. Dude, we are like 4 sessions in and I would follow you down the business end of a cannon we’re cool.
Now I am feeling so disoriented. 20+ years of therapy and nothing like this. Is this what it supposed to be like? Could I have honestly wasted that much time and money thinking/being told I was resistant, I wasn’t ready, I was the problem, my trauma was too severe for anything more than stabilization... just because I hadn’t found the right T??? Obviously I am in the right place for me now but how are we as clients supposed to find the right T?

BTW... I used to be very active on here many years ago, with bad T’s... so I have been around here a bit but it has been many years and I am not seeing any familiar faces...

[kecanoe]

I wonder also how clients are supposed to find the "right" T. It's not like we even know what to look for. I've seen several Ts and have never tried one and then moved on. I have always tried to work it out. With that said, I have had several be helpful even when I didn't really like them.

I hope things continue to go well with this T. It sounds like he is good.

First, congratulations on finding the 'instant connection'. Sounds good for you.
I've seen numerous throughout the years as well, and in Nov I finally found my 'instant connection'. I knew it by the end of the first session, and walked away with some really uncomfortable confusion. I am just now coming to fully realize the opportunity I have after all these years of therapist I just didn't like, didn't think about outside of the room. I actually had a pretty negative view on therapy until Nov. I wasn't even sure why I had resorted to it yet again. Now I understand. She has said on more than one occasion "things happen for a reason", and I believe that.
What's been interesting over the last few months is how much I've struggled with the connection I feel. Because it's important to me, and I don't want to mess it up, it's brought out some really tough battles. I am afraid to be needy. I'm afraid she'll decide I'm too messed up and want to send me on my way. It's brought out my insecurities I suppose. I think everything will be ok and I'll get what I came for. I conclude that I feel like I'm in therapy for the first time and see it differently.
I think it happens by chance or fate and I'm really happy for it.

[Salmon77]

I have not worked with a man before because I spent most of my life absolutely terrified of men. I warned him of this history but that I had gotten much more comfortable with men and that I was afraid of reentering therapy because of past experiences.

This makes me wonder if something about you and your comfort level in general has changed, not just your comfort with men specifically. Maybe in that process you found a way of relating to people or trusting them more that makes therapy work better for you?

[Omers]

Originally Posted by Nemo1934

What's been interesting over the last few months is how much I've struggled with the connection I feel. Because it's important to me, and I don't want to mess it up, it's brought out some really tough battles. I am afraid to be needy. I'm afraid she'll decide I'm too messed up and want to send me on my way. It's brought out my insecurities I suppose. I think everything will be ok and I'll get what I came for. I conclude that I feel like I'm in therapy for the first time and see it differently.
I think it happens by chance or fate and I'm really happy for it.

^^^^^ THIS! I feel like I have turned into a total nut job on the poor guy! I know he is nervous because of my level of trauma but he has given no indication of giving up... but I ask almost weekly if I get to come back. He also gets a little confused at my excitement at seeing him. The connection is totally freaking me out and we just have not had time to discuss it yet. (He recognized that while I am holding things together surprisingly well that I am in crisis... so he is trying to get a strong foundation ASAP). Every time I trust him I turn into a little kid at Christmas. I can tell he is proud of being able to creat that safe space for me but he seems a little unsure of the enthusiasm. Every other therapist has said I was resistant... now I keep asking him to try different techniques he knows just to see if I can spoon it... he laughs (kindly) and tells me he has to catch up.

[Omers]

Yes, Salmon77 I have turned a corner with men but it was several years and 4 therapists ago. I do wonder if male therapists just have a different approach though.

[Rive1976]

My experience has just been shopping around until they fit. I ask myself questions like are they really hearing me? Are we getting anywhere? Are they sympathetic? Do they validate my experiences? If no I terminate.