I just sent a termination email

Find one who does not shame you and who works the way you find useful. You do not have to put up with crap from a therapist.

Yes!! I agree with this so much. Maybe he works for his other clients but not for you.

But I don’t necessarily want someone who will do exactly what I ask. I’m not looking for a hairdresser or a cleaning person. I’m looking for someone who will push me in ways that will ultimately be helpful for me. I’m willing to endure this even if it’s not always so pleasant in the moment.

I don't see therapists as any different from any other service you hire.
I was trying to be supportive of your right quit something that was not working for you and to choose what works best for you but I will bow out.
This sort of thing infuriates me - the way those people get handed money to act in a high handed fashion against clients without explanation or choice other than to quit. And because clients capitulate when they are desperate, therapists get swelled up, treat clients like children, and clients end up defending it and claiming the abuse was useful.
If you want to be talked into putting up with this guy and enduring his methods - people seem happy to do it.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

I do actually appreciate your support and comments. The way I work through things is by evaluating all the options, even the ones I don’t choose. In this case, I’m having a flurry of thoughts and emotions about this and trying to figure out how I feel about it all.

This therapist is neutral, so I see it the opposite, and that other Ts are manipulative. This T is nonreactive. The T changes his behavior but does not try to change the clients. It's more like the T "staying back".

Lrad T: doesn't tell him what to do, doesn't tell him to stop emailing, is not reactive

Other Ts: I will answer your email between 9 to 5, don't email me more than once a week etc., creating a dynamic and engaging in the client's patterns

A person can't set a boundary for another person-that is not boundary setting, that is controlling, which encourages the continuation a person's dependence on another.

This T doesn't respond but doesn't try to stop or control the emails, and is ever nice about it in reading them. He's not trying to control lrad, he's allowing lrad to be a separate person which is how a client can develop autonomy and not be dependent on another, not let others define you.

Yeah, i dont see the t as PUTTING shame on the client. If a client FEELS shame from an interaction with a t, that is from within the client who is feeling vulnerable. And being able to talk about it will get you more of what you want in the long run, as per Anne's posts.

OTOH, some families DO put shame on their children. Whether its cultural, religious, traditional, whatever. Thats not what we're talking about here.

As to the question, why doesnt the t explain what they are doing and get your permission to do it? Where did this idea come from, that therapy is a step by step process? GPS? College sexual permission contracts? I see it more as a symphony.

But in a symphony there is a conductor. If they want the best performance possible, s/he communicates their vision for the piece to the members and sections of the orchestra. You’re suggesting more an improvised symphony—which could end up sounding quite dreadful.

And if therapists are going to identify as treatment providers and do things like take insurance, then, yeah, they should explain what they’re doing. My students respond better when they know why I’m teaching them something or why I designed assignments the way I did. Why wouldn’t clients?

Okay, then a dance, or a basketball game. You learn the steps, the moves, but you cant predict how its going to go when youre "in the zone". Dont you people ever let go and "get in the zone"?

Then thats a whole other problem, and you need to read that book by mikael czyhaizcynystn. I might have spelled that wrong...

Backwards to the ideas expressed in this paragraph: I think the minute the T starts explaining the interaction (and at least I don't experience the T as acting like a surgical technician who engages in procedures; it is an interaction), the T claims all the authority in the room as the "explainer" and usurps the client's ability to make sense of what's happening and understand their feelings and thoughts and behaviors, and where they come from. It's not my T's job nor my own desire to have him sit there and interpret everything for me as if I am incapable of figuring out what's going on for me. His role as a guide, an accompanist, chained to my rock climbing rope on the mountaintop does not, in my version of therapy, involve chatter about where I'm placing my foot or handholds, instructing me how to do it, or anything like that. Anything else would thwart my autonomy and independence.

I think it is relevant to consider the role of cultural/familial shame involved in any situation where you feel like a "misbehaving child." Obviously that feeling is historical rather than present-- to the OP, you have written much about discussing the email response withdrawal with your T and I don't think anything about the interactions suggested that he saw you as a misbehaving child or treated you like one. So where does that sense of shame come from? If there's trauma in your life, that's likely the source. But sometimes even in the smallest moments of childhood, in the context of a healthy and functional family, there's a big shame moment. And I think that's because, as unaluna said, shame is lurking everywhere. A child with dyslexia is asked to read out loud to the class and she mispronounces a word, children giggle. Teachers can be a huge source of shame, even unintentionally, because of all the evaluation involved. At my son's elementary school, they start SSAT prep (the test you take in middle school if you want to go to a magnet/private high school) in the 2nd grade. More than one child has melted down because their practice scores were well below the 99th percentile. A friend of mine, who grew up in a family with a lot of achievement-oriented beliefs but with good support and no trauma, had her defining moment with some major state test in high school where she scored in the 93rd percentile. Maybe you guessed, she's a perfectionist. I think perfectionism has strong roots in needing to be in control because that's what avoids shame. Shame is a very powerful emotion.

I think there are moments (including prolonged ones) that pull strongly on our historical feelings and the insertion of them into our everyday life is an opportunity to explore them. It sounds like (lrad) from some of your responses that you see this issue with the email and your T as about being inconsistent with your notion of yourself as independent. Maybe that frame doesn't work, and the heart of it is really the sense of shame derived from his initial action itself. It caught you off guard, in the way that if he'd led with "let's have a discussion" rather than "I'm not going to reply to your emails anymore", it might have softened the blow. And I don't know about you, but shame makes me feel out of control-- I feel it in my body, swirling around like tendrils of self-poisoning smoke, knocking me to my knees, like I"m exposing the worst part of myself to the world. Strips me of everything I know and like about myself, and there's just that pile of goo left over.

So when I feel out of control, I do everything I can to claim it back. Being in control, or feeling in control, transforms me from the pile of goo to person I am. I don't see you manipulating him or leaving the sandbox with your toys in a huff because you aren't getting what you want. I don't think it's about controlling him, but about you feeling in control again, and whatever has happened in the months since the original shame wound, it hasn't helped with that.

If shame is at least partly what this is about, I'd encourage you to think about going back to therapy with him. I'm not trying to invalidate your choice and I would say there is nothing wrong with quitting temporarily or permanently or seeing another therapist who does things differently and who will email you everytime you write to them. It just seems to me there is potential for healing this shame wound with the person you experienced it with-- whether you want to say he caused it or whatever, it happened on his watch, I don't see what blame has to do with it, that's a side hussle in therapy-- that may not be there with another therapist. I think to be able to understand where the sense of misbehaving child comes from, how you experience it internally, and to sit in a room and have the air clear of shame, that sounds powerful to me at least.

Anne - I’ve been reading your posts for a while and they usually make me uncomfortable I’m not saying this in a negative way - more that they challenge comfortable thought patterns and provoke thought and introspection to those that are willing.

I think much of this makes sense, but I’m not sure all therapists handle shame the same way. I was recently traumatized by a therapist who wouldn’t have handled what you are suggesting in a way that would have evoked change. I don’t want to speculate on what the OP’s therapist would have done going forward - but they don’t all work the same way.

I think this might a key thing. I don't think one can separate out shame in this set of events. Lrad has stated that they have several experiences of being ignored in this way. As someone that has also been put aside in my FOO; some of the shame comes from simply having the want of attention - hear me, see me, acknowledge me, I'm here - or am I?. I'm not sure if this plays out with Lrad or not. I think it is way too complex. Sure Lrad could continue with this T and explore what there is to explore about what has come up. At the same time, if as the client, I feel something is more harmful in my life at this time in my life and my T is unwilling to adjust, is it not in my best interest to find something that will be better suited for me based on where I am in my journey.

I know this type of action on the part of my T would be such a reenactment it would most definitely destroy any therapeutic relationship I had, if not result in a major tail spin for me. And yes, shame is a part of it, it would not be the only thing at play.