[justbreathe1994]

This kind of pertains to my last thread in which I talked about how it felt to be connected to Ex T and the fear I have around never being able to find it again.
I know I’ve probably asked this before, but I was wondering if any of you have advice or experience feeling chronically lonely. I used to live from one session to the next and it “helped” that I saw Ex T twice a week, so I never had to wait very long. She was the only person who could make me feel not alone. Now that I don’t have her to give me my “fix,” I am spiraling down into a deep depression. The thought of never seeing her again is unfathomable, so for now, the only thing that keeps me going is the hope she may be willing to reconnect someday. I’d love to feel connected to someone else in my life, maybe not to the extreme as I was with T. Even though I try to open up and be vulnerable, I just can’t find the same connection as I did with T. I can’t shake this feeling of chronic loneliness and I’m afraid I will decide my life isn’t worth living because of it. How do I feel better and not alone?

[nottrustin]

Ir can be hard some od the things that work for me are:

Get offline. Sometimes being online makes matters worse
Visit PC sometimes PM others help
Text a friend.
Sometimes I email but dont send T.
Write notes to Emdr T which I may or may not being up in session

Good luck. It can be really hard

Just a guess, but you may have a shortage of meaningful relationships in your life. Connection can be key to healing, so getting out and broadening your social network shouldn’t make things worse. Here are some possible ideas:

Volunteering (nursing homes, animal shelters, food pantries). Nursing homes have a greater proportion of lonely people who are particularly appreciative just to talk. Often they have plethoras of life experiences to share too.

Art classes

Yoga/fitness classes

Hiking groups

Online dating sites

Continuing education (college or community programs)

Cooking classes

Travel groups

New full or part time job in an area that interests you

Hopefully this helps!

I’ll post other ideas if anything comes to me. Please don’t give up on finding and keeping connections. There are billions of people in the world and you never know what the future has in store. Try to get out there and give others a chance.

[Myrto]

I don't think therapy can be a cure for loneliness. It's a one-sided relationship so by its very nature it can't give you a meaningful connection (even if it may feel like a meaningful one sometimes). I used to be very lonely three or four years ago and I definitely used therapy as a way to avoid forming actual relationships in the real world. Therapy was my "fix" just like you describe. It's not healthy. I'm afraid the only way to not feel lonely is to start forming new friendships, new connections. I know it's easier said than done but I think saying it's hard (and it is, especially after a certain age) is also often an excuse people use. I read that you are only 24, that's still young, people at that age are still willing to expand their circle of friends (not so much after university I've noticed). It's also important to keep in mind that the relationship with a therapist is not something that exists in the real world. Someone who listens to your every word, pretends to care about every little aspect of your life, doesn't share anything of their own. That simply does not exist. It's not natural and shouldn't be because it would be exhausting. Perhaps you are in college, it's quite easy to meet people in college, or you could find meetups not far from where you live. I'm not saying people aren't going to be disappointing or that you will instantly find super intense and super meaningful connections right away but that's the real world unfortunately. You could still potentially meet someone great. Good luck

[darkside8]

An issue I am currently dealing with. A result of loss of people who did provide meaningful relationships. Never had one like those ever again. I want relationships where people are able to have intellectual and deep conversations. Most, however, talk about mundane and petty things, which bores me to death. I am very aware that the therapeutic relationship is of an unnatural one. But knowing isn’t always enough..

My T says I need to allow myself to connect with others even if it’s not deep, which is hard, so I will leave you with... only time will heal.

[MoxieDoxie]

I am married but chronically lonely because it is about the deep connection you with someone. I do not have that with my husband. He is just someone that pays the bills. I T knows more about me and I have a better connection with him.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I never found relief from loneliness in therapy. In fact, I think my period of therapy was perhaps the loneliest era in my life, not because of the therapists. Lord knows they tried to get me to see the value in other relationships and interests in my life. But because I so willingly isolated myself while I brooded over my problems. That sense of loneliness only went away when I chose to rejoin my life.

JustBreathe - one more comment -

I’m wondering if you’d given thought that perhaps your therapy relationship added fuel to the fire of your chronic loneliness.

This is just my outsiders opinion based on what you’ve mentioned about your therapist’s treatment, but it seems to me that she inadvertently habituated you to an unrealistic level of attention and care - at least with respect to standard therapy treatment. I know the story behind your termination and have never been surprised with the progression of events. Though I do believe in personal accountability, I completely understand how things got as far as they did. I have never blamed you and suspect you’ve been inadvertently harmed by the process and termination - and that your actions leading to termination were a product of your treatment style.

I am hesitant to cast further negative light on your therapist, but I am curious if you consider yourself as having been traumatized by the process? (As an experience, if not by the therapist.) If your mind can go there, I am wondering if you’ve considered treatment for trauma - be it EMDR, body work, acupuncture or any other protocol treatment.

From my view it seems that such an intense termination and sudden abandonment would leave a pretty large mark, with intensified loneliness being symptomatic. Not to dismiss your underlying lonliness, but to frame why it feels so awful and hopeless right now. I am no expert but just speaking from experience.

Accepting my own traumatized status gave me a clearer path to recovery. I too still have strong attachment feelings towards my therapist and still struggle reconciling that she did anything wrong. Aknowledging that the therapy itself, including termination, was damaging made a path forward more clear - even if I have trouble holding her accountable. At least I could visualize a plan to end the pain. I’ll be honest and say that I too hope to reconnect with my therapist someday, despite what happened.

Hang in there JustBreathe.

[Taylor27]

Hang in there it's never easy to be abandon by a therapist, 9 years ago i got abandon by mine after six years with her. She and i met twice a week sometimes more. It took me a very long time to reach out and get help. With the help came day programs. Hugs i hope your new T will be able to help you get involved in something that will help. In the mean time take care of yourself and be patient it takes time to get over something like this it's painful to go through. Hugs

[sarahsweets]

I do not think its appropriate to use your therapist as a cure for lonliness.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

This kind of pertains to my last thread in which I talked about how it felt to be connected to Ex T and the fear I have around never being able to find it again.
I know I’ve probably asked this before, but I was wondering if any of you have advice or experience feeling chronically lonely. I used to live from one session to the next and it “helped” that I saw Ex T twice a week, so I never had to wait very long. She was the only person who could make me feel not alone. Now that I don’t have her to give me my “fix,” I am spiraling down into a deep depression. The thought of never seeing her again is unfathomable, so for now, the only thing that keeps me going is the hope she may be willing to reconnect someday. I’d love to feel connected to someone else in my life, maybe not to the extreme as I was with T. Even though I try to open up and be vulnerable, I just can’t find the same connection as I did with T. I can’t shake this feeling of chronic loneliness and I’m afraid I will decide my life isn’t worth living because of it. How do I feel better and not alone?

I'm going to give your post the seriousness that it deserves, which several of the other respondents have done, but not all. For example, I cannot imagine how an answer like:

" I do not think its (SIC) appropriate to use your therapist as a cure for lonliness. (SIC)" ......

....could be construed as constructive.



Anyway, the part that concerns me about your original post is the "I'm afraid I will decide my life isn't worth living because of it."

This is a serious statement of distress. I hope you keep posting here, reaching out to others, and seeking help for these feelings that seem to be growing worse. Like you, I have struggled with the therapeutic relationship and its possibility of being a *source of* as well as a *solution for* distress in general and loneliness in particular.

This is a very tough position to be in, and I hope you believe that there is some brightening ahead, some hope that this loneliness will clear up and lift. I am sending you positive thoughts.

There are some solid suggestions here from other respondents. For me, I've found some relief in hobbies, pets, social circles like church and other strategies and I am going to keep pursuing them.

Loneliness is not just part of the human condition in general but a sign of our times specifically. I live in the US and I live in a fairly alienating place that is mostly based around raising young children (suburbs) safely and while there are a number of good things about this place, it's not exactly a "meet new people" haven.

It's also true that in the 19 (yikes!) years since the publication of BOWLING ALONE, a well-regarded treatise on loneliness in America, things have gotten more atomized and more lonely than ever. There is even data that America -- where I assume that you live -- is a prime ground for so-called Deaths of Despair. Loneliness is one of the risk factors.

Opinion | An Epidemic of Loneliness in America? - The New York Times

So for me, it has been important to find some context for my own loneliness -- and to realize that I am not alone in being lonely (haha!)

Keep posting here. I think some of us can really understand that you left therapy with grief that you did not enter with, and for that, I am truly sorry. It has also happened to me.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

" I do not think its (SIC) appropriate to use your therapist as a cure for lonliness. (SIC)" ......

....could be construed as constructive.

It wasn't meant to be constructive, or judgmental. Or a criticism. It was a statement about how I feel. I didn't say there was anything wrong with the op for feeling a certain way. There are others on this thread who have had similar opinions on the therapy relationship.

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors1

JustBreathe - one more comment -

I’m wondering if you’d given thought that perhaps your therapy relationship added fuel to the fire of your chronic loneliness.

This is just my outsiders opinion based on what you’ve mentioned about your therapist’s treatment, but it seems to me that she inadvertently habituated you to an unrealistic level of attention and care - at least with respect to standard therapy treatment. I know the story behind your termination and have never been surprised with the progression of events. Though I do believe in personal accountability, I completely understand how things got as far as they did. I have never blamed you and suspect you’ve been inadvertently harmed by the process and termination - and that your actions leading to termination were a product of your treatment style.

I am hesitant to cast further negative light on your therapist, but I am curious if you consider yourself as having been traumatized by the process? (As an experience, if not by the therapist.) If your mind can go there, I am wondering if you’ve considered treatment for trauma - be it EMDR, body work, acupuncture or any other protocol treatment.

From my view it seems that such an intense termination and sudden abandonment would leave a pretty large mark, with intensified loneliness being symptomatic. Not to dismiss your underlying lonliness, but to frame why it feels so awful and hopeless right now. I am no expert but just speaking from experience.

Accepting my own traumatized status gave me a clearer path to recovery. I too still have strong attachment feelings towards my therapist and still struggle reconciling that she did anything wrong. Aknowledging that the therapy itself, including termination, was damaging made a path forward more clear - even if I have trouble holding her accountable. At least I could visualize a plan to end the pain. I’ll be honest and say that I too hope to reconnect with my therapist someday, despite what happened.

Hang in there JustBreathe.

Thank you for your insightful comment. I vacillate back and forth between viewing Ex T and the relationship with her as traumatic and as healing. However, I have never considered the trauma as “being hanbituated an unrealistic level of attention and care,” though I think that could definitely fit for me. My hesitation of being habituated though is that I blame myself for being too isolated and having attachment issues. Maybe there was nothing wrong with her level of attention? Maybe it just seemed like SO much to me because of my attachment trauma and history. You mentioned though that her treatment was beyond the standard... how so? I’ve read how many therapists offer their clients things that seem pretty similar to the level of care my Ex T offered me. I was in programming and she was a program director so I saw her multiple times a week just in the groups in addition to my two sessions a week. She also said I love you and offered touch. Is any of this unusual? I guess the termination feels traumatic because of me and my issues rather than anything she did.

I’m worried that I feel lonely, despite having so much support, simply because of the traumatic ending of that relationship. I want to connect so badly and am quite busy with interacting with people prettty much everyday. I’m just afraid the trauma runs deep and even though I don’t want to isolate, the emotional walls have become so automatic due to the loss of Ex T (the most intense relationship I have ever experienced). I miss talking about every nuance of the relationship (whether we felt connected, whether one of us was angry or hurt, whether the caring was real, etc.), like that was the main focus of all our sessions for the last two years. I think the intense focus on the relationship was the main reason I didn’t feel so alone, but I’m not sure why that would be.

[Topiarysurvivor]

I can't even imagine a therapist saying she loved me or touching. Maybe a different kind of therapy?

[zapatoes]

In the past I have gone to counseling a few times and never developed a relationship per se as only so many sessions were covered. Maybe group therapy could be an option also to feel less lonely. I mean in addition to volunteering, art classes, etc.

Originally Posted by Topiarysurvivor

I can't even imagine a therapist saying she loved me or touching. Maybe a different kind of therapy?

Same here. Also the notes with hearts and long gazes in a group setting.

This sounds more like how a romantic relationship starts, not therapy as I understand it should be.

Just Breathe - as I mentioned, it is no wonder your therapy took the turn it did. This sounds confusing and like your system had no idea how to process the cues your therapist was giving you. I don’t know where you are currently getting therapy but if it’s the same place your therapist currently works I’d get an outside opinion on further treatment.

Personal opinion - before you try to tackle any real therapy work you need to find someone to help undo what the first therapist did. I suspect if you are getting treatment from the place your former therapist works they are not ever going to tell you what she did was harmful you. It sounds like she cared about you deeply but wasn’t acting in a way that was helpful.

[Waterloo12345]

I don't disagree with PM's personal view; I don't know enough about it to form a view. My experience though has been to look at both together. There has been more of a focus on it as it's so raw but we've looked at other things too. Also, more importantly I think is that I'm beginning to draw pararells with my general trauma. I was playing out an old role so looking at it along side and for what insights it can throw on the original hurt seem to be useful (so far as it's all new).

Originally Posted by Waterloo12345

I don't disagree with PM's personal view; I don't know enough about it to form a view. My experience though has been to look at both together. There has been more of a focus on it as it's so raw but we've looked at other things too. Also, more importantly I think is that I'm beginning to draw pararells with my general trauma. I was playing out an old role so looking at it along side and for what insights it can throw on the original hurt seem to be useful (so far as it's all new).

I agree with this - yes what happened with your former therapist didn’t occur in a vacuum and much has to be looked at in parallel and holistically.

I would be more concerned with your current therapist and/or her organization trying to minimize what happened to you, esp with respect to your former therapist’s responsibility to act in a healing way and not stoke flames that she could not control (then run for cover). I can’t emphasize enough how strongly I feel that whatever therapist you have acknowledges that something horrible happened TO you.

Forgot to mention - please don’t blame yourself for isolation and attachment issues. You’re in therapy to HELP with that. You didn’t deserve to have it made worse, then abandoned for it.

Please let me know if any of what I’m saying is making you feel worse. I know how it feels to have an important therapy relationship collapse and be left holding the shame and blame. It’s unfair and I’m upset on your behalf. If it’s not helpful I’ll try to reign it back.

[FriendlyJoe]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I am married but chronically lonely because it is about the deep connection you with someone. I do not have that with my husband. He is just someone that pays the bills. I T knows more about me and I have a better connection with him.

I have the same exact feeling towards my wife. We are so different and she doesn't understand me and at times she would verbally abuse me. The amount of times I've been called worthless and crazy is absurd.

I've never had that in love feeling with her even in the beginning. I settled so I wouldn't be alone and I'm paying for it now. I've only really loved someone once, and the feeling I had was amazing.

I'm in this friendship but it's evolving into much more for me. I love her and everytime I'm with her I want to be a better person. She doesn't feel the same but I have time and just can hope she will change her mind or see what an awesome team we are. What keeps me going right now is the hope I'll get that awesome in love feeling again. I dont know if its because I'm bipolar but when I fall in love I'm walking on clouds. But when I realize I'm with the demon overlord I get quite depressed. I try to spend as much time away from home as possible. Sleeping in a different room helps alot plus making plans to go out somewhere with the person I really love.

Hang in there, it took me 11 years to fall in love with someone that I have a deep connection with. I thought love wasn't ever going to happen and I'd be loveless forever. Hopefully it will grow from there because we do have a great time together and able to have great conversations. She doesn't judge me or treat me any different. She's just like me, suffering from bipolar 1.