[Waterloo12345]

Hi All,

I'm feeling bereft, sad, despondent. Trying to sit with it?
understand it? help it dissipate? I dont know. Except I do feel a downward emotional spiral coming on I'm trying to avoid.

I was feeling pretty alone and abandoned earlier (my t was on leave for our session today and my mum asked how the gardening was going) plus that bone deep emotional yet physical tiredness one gets after trying hard to cope over the weekend. Did only a few hrs work then slept today.

Anyway I went to the doctor's surgery. I was not thinking very clearly as to why as already in the emotional flashback though I told myself, accurately I believed, that he would not be outside as he teaches at this time. But of course the 'best' laid plans go awry and he came in on his bike, saw me, but avoided me. No acknowledgement. That hurt bad.

My predominant feeling is the 10 yr old. He's sitting on the ground, knees up, head down, despondent. Dejected like what the **** is the point. What is the **** the point. I don't know. I try so hard to protect us. I should just kill us.

The babies, are still, frozen, in shock. You promised us we could have the garden even we could not have Dr X, that it was like a symbol, that we would be growing something good for sick children to make them feel better like we did. And because he's there in the garden and will always be there. But you won't let us go. You hate us. You messed things up with him and now you're messing this up.

The 10 yr old girl I can't feel. She's a ball of such tight round tautness that there is a nothingness around her. A blackness. A void. Like one of those dying stars that pulls everything in and the others are keeping well away.

Yww is saying I'm sorry guys, I really am, I didn't mean to make this happen and it wasn't me anyway it was all of us it was nascent w that sent that email, that told him our feelings that made him leave us. He misunderstood.

Functional me he's trying to tell the 10 yr old girl that he had to avoid or ignore, that it wasn't your D X avoiding you he was not the one you'd made up in you head which is not real. He behaving real by not seeing you. He knows seeing you will make all of us more unhappy in the long run. He had to ignore us. And he's not real. But we will all try to love you, to know you are worth it just for being you, even if you get things wrong, even if you are not special in any way, and he didn't abandon you. He left you the book. He got you the book and the garden. We can't always be with people the way we would like to be but he didn't leave you because you are a failure or useless. And it's really really sad that you won't be able to play with him anymore and get that connection of love, and acceptance and want (usefulness). Really really really sad. We love you, we accept you, we think you are useful. Really? Yes.

To the babies: I don't know what the solution is. We have to work on it together. We will ask Y. And we can get the 2 things and do some gardening at home. Like in his memory and the sick children's memory. As a start.

I think what also hurt me was that he was doing the garden, our garden. Which obvs is not ours. But his. I was just helping and am easily discarded. Like time hasn't stopped for him and he can continue on as normal. I wanted everything to stop dead and he to be devastated too.

My therapist says he likely is upset/concerned/worried but was between a rock and a hard place. That he could not have been so consistently caring if it wasn't real (as a doctor of course) and if it was it would be hard to do the right thing. She knows that as a fellow professional.

I did think I wanted him to email like through the guise of the garden and what needed doing. To show he cared. That seeing me would trigger something. Esp if its hard for him to do the right thing.

Then I thought I hope he wouldn't be so foolish as to do that as it would just start everything again and I can't be doing with that. It was a small fleeting thought easily discardable but I've wrestled it back and written it down because I do feel that and I need to give it voice and nuture it and grow it.

So I guess that's what I say to the 10 yr old boy. It can get better. You don't need to kill us to protect us. At least not right now. Thank you for trying to take care of us in the best way you know how. We are all going to try and take care of us together. And right now it means write to W (friend) and try and be honest and vulnerable.

Love me.

Not asking for anything in particular, guess I am looking for a witness to my pain, to walk alongside me, he (my doc) did that for me for a long time, and **** i miss it, but I need to find more appropriate support.

Best, w.

[Out There]

I hear you , getting in touch with our child parts is important. Hugs for how you're feeling.