[Elkino]

I knew it was going to happen, given her terminal illness and still I didn't expect it to happen this soon. She kept doing therapy and more or less refused to talk about it. She avoided the topic and encouraged me to live in the moment. No need to worry about the future just yet, she would say.
I've been working with her for a long time and she was a very smart person. But at the same time so dilussional about her chances to survive, until the very last moment. And then suddenly it happened...
I'm devastated. I know that her beliefs and her faith gave her hope and strength. But at the same time it took away the opportunity to prepare me and other patients for what would happen next. I feel lost. I wanted to prepare myself and start working with another T when my T got sick. But I just couldn't. She knew my so well, we had reached so much... It would feel like giving up in her, like moving on while she was still around. I didn't want that. Now of course I regret it a lot. There's nobody to help me over old the huge loss now.
I don't know what I'm hoping to reach with this post. Just needed to vent I guess. But if anyone could give me any insights on why my T may have chosen to handle the situation like this, feel free to tell me. I want to understand it better. I want to stop overthinking this. Right now I'm left with a million questions and lots of sadness.
Ironically enough I went to work with this T to help me overcome the loss of a friend. And then this happened. :-( I'm lost.

[Out There]

I'm so sorry. Perhaps we all handle the things we face in different ways and may not understand why a person chose to do things in the way they did. Posting here often helps with processing. Even if we know something is going to happen rationally , it's still a shock.

[guilloche]

*hugs*

I'm so so sorry, Elkino. Even knowing that this was going to happen eventually, it's got to be a shock. I don't know why she wouldn't have helped you prepare more, maybe she didn't want to believe/accept it herself?

Take care of yourself.

[Under*Over]

Wow I am really sorry to hear this. She sounds like she was a very kind and brave person

[BeKindToMyMistakes]

So sorry Elkino.

It seems that denial of impending mortality is fairly typical of the human condition. I think that is partly why so many suffer from 'complicated grief'. So much left unsaid...so many unanswered questions...I'm sorry that you did not get the chance to process this with your T. I think if she could have, she would have, but for whatever reason, she just couldn't.
Take care, and please - post all you need to.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, I'm so sorry...

[growlycat]

I’m so sorry. Take care.

Hugs, I'm so very sorry.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Oh my. I am so sorry for your loss.

[nottrustin]

Elkino, I am so sorry you are going through this. Last bring my T passed away unexpectedly after an accident. It is one of the most painful things I have ever dealt with. I found a great article on sudden loss of a T. It was helpful if you would like me to send it to.. This board was also helpful. Feel free to post her or private message me if you want.

This breaks my heart. I am so, so sorry.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Elkino

I knew it was going to happen, given her terminal illness and still I didn't expect it to happen this soon. She kept doing therapy and more or less refused to talk about it. She avoided the topic and encouraged me to live in the moment. No need to worry about the future just yet, she would say.
I've been working with her for a long time and she was a very smart person. But at the same time so dilussional about her chances to survive, until the very last moment. And then suddenly it happened...

My spouse died a few years ago after a terminal illness, in his mid forties. Unlike your T, he did talk about it. I think your T didn't talk about it because your therapy is supposed to be about you, and I just don't think it's possible that she could really prepare you for her death. I think you did need and probably do need someone else for that.

What I learned from my spouse's illness is that the will to survive is very strong, and it does create illusions about the ability to survive. Because believing you have no chance to survive is a difficult way to live, and I think knowing that you will die is a very, very difficult thing to live with. It's not particularly fair to ask people to look it straight in the face, for your benefit, to their cost.

I also think that people with terminal illness get a lot of judgment about the choices they make, from whether they try last ditch medical treatments, to their lifestyle choices, to whether they see people and how often, etc etc etc. It's easy to make judgments about what other people should do when they are dying, but I think it's really hard to have to face the reality that you're going to die.

It feels to me that the judgey part of how you're dealing with her death may be harming you, or impeding your grief process. I didn't agree with many of my spouse's choices regarding medical care or other things, but I accepted that this is what he needed to do for himself, and he did the very best he could while he was dying. I think you might benefit from exploring the ways you are making sense of what happened in your therapy as she was dying with someone else, and finding peace with the choices that you made to continue the therapy as your T offered it to you, rather than believing that something else "should" have happened.

[Favorite Jeans]

I’m so sorry. That sounds devastating. It’s really normal and okay to be angry with someone for dying even though you know it’s not fully rational. Being able to face one’s own mortality and prepare others for it is pretty next level. I’ve seen it done but it’s rare. Your T may also have died a lot sooner than she expected to. She may have had an unforeseen complication or something that didn’t allow her to prepare you as she may have wanted to.

Can you write about what you wish she’d said to you? About sharing the knowledge and grief together in advance? Or about the way you feel now?

[SlumberKitty]

I'm so sorry. Hugs. Kit

[Mopey]

So very sorry for your loss. It is considerable.

My T died last year as well. Perhaps however she chose to handle it, you would be feeling intense grief now? I think that therapy takes away our defences , when my T died the grief I felt was unbearable (though I did bear it). I guess it sounds like your T really didn't expect it to happen so soon, perhaps she thought she would know when her health was deteriorating and would be able to talk to you to prepare you and make goodbyes then? Our T's unfortunately don't get everything right.

[hopealwayz]

Sending you lots of hugs. I’m sorry.

[toomanycats]

I am so incredibly sorry. Big big hugs. I know that there are others on here who have been through this. Hopefully they see this and reach out; you are not alone <3

[RaineD]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My therapist also died of a terminal illness, and it was devastating.

I agree with what Anne said above. It is hard for most people to look death straight in the face, and therapists are only human.

While my therapist and I did touch on the subject of death briefly and tangentially at times, we never directly talked about his death until the very end when he was definitely 100% going to die.

Because I was a big of Irvin Yalom who wrote extensively about death and death anxiety, I wanted, even in the early days, to discuss death openly. (I always knew my therapist has cancer. I think I found out either right before or right after our fifth session.) But I could sense avoidance from him and couldn't bring myself to force the discussion.

My therapist was very optimistic about his prognosis. I don't think he was delusional. I think optimism is good in those kinds of situations.

That said, he did prepare me as best he could. While he didn't say he was going to die--at least not until the very end--he did tell me, four months before he died, that he might have to close his practice due to his illness.

I do wish we had more candid conversations about death early on. There were so many things I wanted to talk about, but I also wanted to protect him from my weird fascination with death. In the end, he did the best he could to make sure I would be okay.

I think anger is normal. My therapist even said anger is inevitable although I'm not sure if that's true.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. My experience is that grief is something that must be endured. There is no short cut, no magical potion that would make the pain go away.

What has helped me is remembering that grief is a testament to love. The depth of your grief is in proportion to the depth of your love.

[Rive.]

I'm so sorry about your T, Elkino.

It's always difficult to know why other people do what they do but I believe she was doing the best she could under the circumstances.

I hope you consider reaching out to another T now, to help support you through this loss. It's not too late.

[Shotokan Karate]

I am so sorry for your loss. Please post as often as you need to.

[coolibrarian]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Rive1976]

Im so sorry.