Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Bingo! Me too! You're not alone with that. HUGS Kit

I just had a thought/realization that came dangerously close to self-compassion. Weird.

I hope you don't think it's stupid or overdramatic.
(yes, rationally I know you won't think those things and you'll actually be annoyingly happy about it and I'll roll my eyes and tell you not to get too excited and threaten to go make some bad choices to balance things out)

I know the feeling. Sometimes it's good to take steps back if you can - especially if you are still able to see your T and still not keep digging at stuff.

You leave in seven weeks, but you'll be back in 20 weeks. I can do this.

I hate hate hate my fat self I just want to lose weight so I can stop hating my body every second of the day. Also I never want to see you again but I wanna be with you all the time too, how does that work?

Dear T,
Are you just going to ignore my scheduling text? Maybe you're just sick of me. Maybe I should just leave. But I don't want to. I want you to understand and accept me and be there.
LT

Yo L this stuff that just happened... I handled it and the world didn't end and they're still my friends and I didn't need you for it. It made me feel a surge of self confidence and that life post-therapy is pretty darn alright. I'm living things that you taught me for reals. It is fascinating, you know. This **** works.

Dear T,
Thanks for adding the thing about hoping I'm able to have a good evening and night to your confirmation of my seeing you tomorrow. It's little things like that where it's clear to me that you care. Be good tomorrow, OK?

Love,
LT

T, I know you are leaving again so I know for sure it will be totally random if you reply to my emails. I’m sad. I am so sick again I even called into work. I’m scared. I need work to see you but I can’t juggle all this. I had SO much more fall into place from last session I think I need two sessions to process last session and then one to do what ever we will do next week. We need to talk about addictions next week. NO I didn’t lie when I said I don’t use drugs or alcohol... but we still need to go there. I know that will totally railroad your plans... and we were going to do relaxation and I need that, I think I need that to not be sick. T, I want a hug. Not just any hug, the hug from Monday when I felt you breathe and I felt the texture of your sweater and I was present so you didn’t let go so quick, you let me feel. Oh, T, there is SO much to do.

T,

Really want to see you before Monday. I know you don't have any openings and I doubt that will change.

I don't want to do another phone call. I hate the phone. I feel like a horrible person for calling you or otherwise interacting with you when you should not be working.

Dear T,
I have this feeling like I need to work through something with you. Like a transference sort of thing, maybe? I'm not sure. Just...something. Maybe more...I don't know, I want to say spiritual for some reason, but that doesn't make much sense. This is so ridiculous and woo woo, and I'd never say this to you, but almost like...something from our past lives? There's just this weird draw, this feeling there that I can't explain. And that sense that I'm on the edge of a change is still there. Maybe this is part of it? Please help me work through it, whatever it is.
Love,
LT

I miss you

T, are we OK? I know if you weren’t OK with me you would look into what was causing you to not be OK with me.... I know you wouldn’t just jump to blaming me. And I know we would talk about it
I got materials to do another project for you. My crafting mentor said I need to keep practicing on small projects and not over extend myself trying a big project yet. Problem is there aren’t any small projects at my level that motivate me... other than you might be able to use them. I hope you will listen and not read too much into it. I know you are a process person too. I need the process but you can use the product to help other clients. They would just be clutter to me. I don’t want all the hassle of setting up a shop and trying to sell anything yet.
T, I don’t feel good. I know a lot of it is stress. I know you want to work on trauma but maybe we need to work on stress. Right now trauma work (if I could avoid home/work/family) would be a welcomed break... yeh, the stress is that bad.
T, I’m catching on. You aren’t like the other T’s. You want me feeling safe and comfortable while we work in every way you can possibly provide without taking away from your needs. You aren’t doing it just so that you can frustrate me or hurt me later. You believe I can only heal in a safe, positive environment. I get it now and I am even started to believe it.

Yesterday at work we found out one of my coworkers had a horrible car accident with a significant TBI. She is in an induced coma. Her chances of survival are very grim and if she does her life will be totally different. I couldnt help but have visions of your accident. My heart broke into a million little pieces again. I remember reading the email from P tellin mr you were in the hospital and would be out for a while. Then the email stating it didnt look good and to please pray....then finding out you had passed.

I relate to that part about past lives. I felt (probably still and always will feel) some similar kind of thing with L. Maybe for me its just the I've internalized her thing? I dunno. But I think I get it. Hugs

It's been too long since our last meeting. There are things eating up at me, that we really need to talk about. My schedule here has been so hectic, it's hard to even find time to talk with you. I appreciate that you took the time to give me a call and let me know the internet was dlwn at your office. It sucks though that it had to happen right when our appointment was scheduled. Been almost 3 weeks though...

Must have been a bad day for driving or the world is really small. One of my long time friends was in an accident yesterday with severe TBI and is in an induced coma. Will be braying for both of them.

Today I simmer
Beneath long buried anger
It will soon escape

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I think we had some good, honest conversation. And thanks for saying some of those things out loud. Maybe I need to make a recording of you saying them, for when I start to doubt again. And you're clearly invested in me. That means a lot.
Love,
LT

Dear T,

I e-mailed you to cancel session and say I will be coming back for closure then ending. You haven't answered and session would be going on now and you didn't call to ask where I am so I know you must have gotten my e-mail. You probably went home early and won't answer until tomorrow. But please don't wait too long to answer, I don't want to have to worry about this forever. Maybe you are talking to a co-worker before you answer? I don't know, but hurry up already.

-Butterfly