[Caterpillar11]

How would you suggest starting to slowly back away from a T who you are very attached to? I see T twice per week and have regular email contact with him. I highly depend on this contact and my T and count down the minutes between our sessions. Recently though, he has hurt me very badly, and I’m seeing that this isn’t a real relationship. I would ultimately like to stop seeing him but not sure how I can even think of that when I can hardly wait a few days to see him/talk to him. Just hoping to get some advice on how to slowly wean off him. It’s also particularly hard for me right now because I have very little to distract myself with right now.

[SlumberKitty]

Hi, I see you are new to PC so welcome to PC! I hope you find support, friendship, encouragement, and comfort here.

Second, about your question. I would first talk to this T about how he hurt you and give him a chance to work it through with you. IF that didn't work, I would interview some other therapists and see if there was one that I thought would work well. At the same time I would be cutting back on emailing, and cut back to once per week with T. Then once you find a new T that you think would work, transfer to the new one. It's a hard process. But if you are deeply hurt and it can't be resolved (but try to resolve it!) then the best thing may be to move forward with someone else. Hope this made sense. Not sure I said it well. HUGS Kit.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree on trying to work it through with your T as a first step. Or at least sharing how hurt you felt, if you haven't already. As for pulling back from attachment...yeah, not sure I have a good answer for that one... With my former marriage counselor (it's complicated), I thought I'd never be able to detach from him, until we had a rupture that we couldn't repair (despite attempts to work on it). And I realized that I no longer trusted him. So that kind of made the attachment go away (it was still painful). Perhaps if you try to work through this and can't, the attachment will go away on its own? I do have some attachment to my current individual T, so it's not like I've solved the whole "T attachment" thing...but this is much more manageable (as it's much less complicated).

[SalingerEsme]

I relate with your post very much. There have been a few times I almost quit over a collision with the boundaries/ frame of therapy, or a comment that seemed to reveal I was a job. Would you feel okay sharing the details? It is so acutely painful to feel that.

My T finally said once that he made a mistake and has made a few, but he has really tried not to. It comes down to forgiving him, and remembering how many many times he has been forgiving with me.

Once, we were talking about #metoo, and a specific writer I know who was accused in the media( I am a csa client). He commented that even though it was a hard thing in culture for me ( maybe he meant triggering or maybe he meant bc I didn't participate much) , that he was still thankful it was happening bc his daughter would grow up safer. Something about that just cut to the quick- bc I had lost a baby and he had two, bc he seemed to be saying my experience was so much less important to him than that his daughter not have it, bc he is generally not willing to bring in his personal life and here he seemed to throw it in my face????
I don't even know exactly why this struck me as so cruel in the moment. It took months to
recover the trust lost there. Over time though these ruptures and repairs form a history we share, and over time we have gotten to be more of a team and create a world of our own. I think it is the patient's life and the therapist's work, but still a good T really cares about the work. It still really hurts to need someone more than he needs me at times, but I do feel now my outcome is part of who he is too. I can feel his investment in me is substantial now, and for years 'i doubted it.

The moment you are in- call it impasses, rupture, devestating hurt . . . if it is survived , it can be bonding.

[Anne2.0]

It doesn't always end up being productive to deal directly with the thing in therapy, but I don't see much value in "backing away" from an issue with your T. I think either end therapy and move on to another T or not, or make an effort to try to be honest about how you felt and reach a new place of understanding yourself. In the world of fully functioning adults, I think it's a good skill to be able to tell people how you feel about something. There's nothing wrong with ending therapy over a difficulty, but wasting time hanging out just fulfilling some attachment desire rather than digging in and trying to make some progress resolving hurt feelings and conflict doesn't seem like a good use of time and money. It's your life, you can of course do what you want. That cliche', either s*** or get off the pot, well there's a reason why it's a cliche.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

It doesn't always end up being productive to deal directly with the thing in therapy, but I don't see much value in "backing away" from an issue with your T. I think either end therapy and move on to another T or not, or make an effort to try to be honest about how you felt and reach a new place of understanding yourself. In the world of fully functioning adults, I think it's a good skill to be able to tell people how you feel about something. There's nothing wrong with ending therapy over a difficulty, but wasting time hanging out just fulfilling some attachment desire rather than digging in and trying to make some progress resolving hurt feelings and conflict doesn't seem like a good use of time and money. It's your life, you can of course do what you want. That cliche', either s*** or get off the pot, well there's a reason why it's a cliche.

This made me think of another option that's been helpful for me--to consult with another T. Even if it's just for a session or two, it can help to get another T's perspective on your relationship with your current T. Be upfront and tell the potential consulting T that you're just interested in a consultation for now (then they may dispense with the extended intake)--if you click with them, you could always decide to continue seeing them instead. But it can help to get the outside perspective.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

This made me think of another option that's been helpful for me--to consult with another T. Even if it's just for a session or two, it can help to get another T's perspective on your relationship with your current T. Be upfront and tell the potential consulting T that you're just interested in a consultation for now (then they may dispense with the extended intake)--if you click with them, you could always decide to continue seeing them instead. But it can help to get the outside perspective.

I agree with this.

[Caterpillar11]

Thanks, everyone. I have this strong feeling where I want to quit seeing my T because she has done something today that has hurt me terribly. I wish so much that I had the strength to walk away, to really cut and break ties. But I know I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face. And honestly, I’m too attached to her. I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’m so frustrated with myself that I’m this attached that I can’t break away from her now even though I want to.

I wonder how I back away and realize this relationship isn’t everything I thought it was. Also, truthfully, I want to stop seeing her because I want to hurt her. I want her to hurt as much as she hurt me today. That’s awful of me. And of course my doing so would never hurt her as badly as she hurt me. The thing is it would hurt her though. I almost wish I had the strength to do it just so that I could know she would have that bit of hurting.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Caterpillar11

Also, truthfully, I want to stop seeing her because I want to hurt her. I want her to hurt as much as she hurt me today. That’s awful of me. And of course my doing so would never hurt her as badly as she hurt me. The thing is it would hurt her though. I almost wish I had the strength to do it just so that I could know she would have that bit of hurting.

And I'm assuming you didn't tell her that she hurt you? Can you make a different decision? IME silencing myself in these kinds of situation, T or not, is not good for me. It was far better to learn to speak up and say my piece rather than being afraid of conflict or, gasp, people might not like me.

You could talk about this issue by bringing in what you said in the above paragraph. A desire to hurt somebody is just a thought, only engaging in the action makes you "awful." So relax about that, it's just a thought. Why not tell her that you wish you had the strength to leave therapy because you think it would hurt her (which may or may not be true-- you don't know).

[Thalassophile]

I'm not sure what your T did to hurt you so much but I have been in your position many times before. Did they forget something important to you? It's incredibly painful and there were numerous times I wanted to just leave. I needed the pain to stop and wanted not to feel so attached to them. I also understand 'the desire to hurt someone who has hurt you badly piece ' as it is something I wanted to do too. Leaving therapy, however, would not achieve this as much as you want it to.
Talking about it with my T really helped me and looking back now there were numerous knock-on benefits of that in itself. In those moments and weeks, I could see no way through. I would try to talk to your T about it first before going elsewhere. Whilst going to another T can be useful for many things I'd think the first step is addressing in head-on with your current T and depending on what happens then going from there. The desire to want to hurt someone who has hurt us piece is a very common response yet one that doesn't often help us in our other relationships in the outside world. Getting to a place where we can explain our hurt to another person who has wronged us and have them listen and hear us and respond back appropriately can be incredibly helpful IMO.

[Caterpillar11]

Thank you so much, everyone. I really can’t tell you how much the support here means to me right now.

I did gather up my courage and tell my therapist how much she had hurt me. She said that she is very sorry but that it is just the way it has to be. She said she is willing to take the damage to our relationship that this will cause.

Basically what happened is that she is now taking away something that she used to offer me, even though I had never abused the privilege and only used it once in five years. She then agreed to give it back to me partially but when I told her how much it had hurt me and questioned her and asked her about please giving me back the rest, she then changed her mind and took it all away again entirely.

Now she tells me that she needs to be careful with me going forward because she winds up agreeing to things she doesn’t want to do and so from now on, she will be super careful not to compromise with me in the moment. So, it seems that not only have I lost this one particular thing but that if there are problems in the future, she will not be willing to compromise.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Caterpillar11

I did gather up my courage and tell my therapist how much she had hurt me. She said that she is very sorry but that it is just the way it has to be. She said she is willing to take the damage to our relationship that this will cause.

Basically what happened is that she is now taking away something that she used to offer me, even though I had never abused the privilege and only used it once in five years. She then agreed to give it back to me partially but when I told her how much it had hurt me and questioned her and asked her about please giving me back the rest, she then changed her mind and took it all away again entirely.

Now she tells me that she needs to be careful with me going forward because she winds up agreeing to things she doesn’t want to do and so from now on, she will be super careful not to compromise with me in the moment. So, it seems that not only have I lost this one particular thing but that if there are problems in the future, she will not be willing to compromise.

It is great that you told her how you feel about what happened. I think that's a first step in having a more open and honest relationship.

Of course without a context I don't very much understand the issue, but I do think some things about it. One is that people need to do things the way they need to do them, even therapists. It is common for people to post on this board that therapists "took [this or that] away." I'm not discounting the feelings related to that, but nobody is entitled to something that belongs to another person. It's not your right to have a hug, for example, from someone else. The rules are no different for therapists. Her intent is not to hurt you by changing what she agrees to do, but to avoid doing something she doesn't want to do. And, I don't really think it is a big issue given that you only used "it", whatever it is, once in five years. Even if you see it as a taking away, I don't see how it is such a big deal.

I think someone being clear in what they are willing to do and not do is a gift in a relationship. When someone feels an obligation to do something they don't want to do, to me that's a far greater harm (at least I think I can feel it and it feels yucky). The goal of my relationships is not to get what I want, but to have an open and real connection with someone. That can't happen if either or both parties are faking it.

You're doing your part to stay open with her by speaking up. Keep doing it.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

It is great that you told her how you feel about what happened. I think that's a first step in having a more open and honest relationship.

Of course without a context I don't very much understand the issue, but I do think some things about it. One is that people need to do things the way they need to do them, even therapists. It is common for people to post on this board that therapists "took [this or that] away." I'm not discounting the feelings related to that, but nobody is entitled to something that belongs to another person. It's not your right to have a hug, for example, from someone else. The rules are no different for therapists. Her intent is not to hurt you by changing what she agrees to do, but to avoid doing something she doesn't want to do. And, I don't really think it is a big issue given that you only used "it", whatever it is, once in five years. Even if you see it as a taking away, I don't see how it is such a big deal.

I think someone being clear in what they are willing to do and not do is a gift in a relationship. When someone feels an obligation to do something they don't want to do, to me that's a far greater harm (at least I think I can feel it and it feels yucky). The goal of my relationships is not to get what I want, but to have an open and real connection with someone. That can't happen if either or both parties are faking it.

You're doing your part to stay open with her by speaking up. Keep doing it.

I disagree with this. I feel that if a therapist offers something at one point, that it's not right to unilaterally decide to take it away. It's different if it's a conversation with a client, a more mutual decision. Like, if a T said, "You know, I think email is just causing you more anxiety. What do you think?" And the client agreed to try not emailing for a bit, then that's fine. But if a T is suddenly like, "OK, no more email" or "I'm not going to reply to your emails anymore," then that to me seems wrong. It feels like a T asserting their power.

I've mentioned to my T how some people's T's on here took away email or email responses. He said he would never do that, how he feels that if he offers something in the beginning, it would be wrong for him to take it away. Which is something I really appreciate. Particularly because I've had previous T's change the rules on me (which he knows about).

Note: I'm just using email as an example, as it often comes up on these boards. The same would apply to something like hugs or things that a T offers.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I disagree with this. I feel that if a therapist offers something at one point, that it's not right to unilaterally decide to take it away. It's different if it's a conversation with a client, a more mutual decision. Like, if a T said, "You know, I think email is just causing you more anxiety. What do you think?" And the client agreed to try not emailing for a bit, then that's fine. But if a T is suddenly like, "OK, no more email" or "I'm not going to reply to your emails anymore," then that to me seems wrong. It feels like a T asserting their power.

I've mentioned to my T how some people's T's on here took away email or email responses. He said he would never do that, how he feels that if he offers something in the beginning, it would be wrong for him to take it away. Which is something I really appreciate. Particularly because I've had previous T's change the rules on me (which he knows about).

Note: I'm just using email as an example, as it often comes up on these boards. The same would apply to something like hugs or things that a T offers.

I think it's good to lessen dependency/change boundaries at some point but like with you, I agree a conversation is needed. Just cutting it off is terrible on the client and can really ruin trust/progress. I think in most cases, the lessening happens naturally. With mine... everyone knows we had email issues BUT It was actually my idea to end them.... he just said he would not reply anymore if I did email (which ended up not being the case, in the end, he replied to all my emails) but it was because it was causing such a rift in things with us, we were terrible communicators via email and it caused more problems than helped. We agreed it was best to avoid that contact going forward however we still texted often.

He never took hugs away, well until he left obviously but that was kind of a given. He swore up and down he would never do that, because he knew it would ruin me and ruin any trust I had in him and I'm so glad he stuck to his word. after our big rupture, we still hugged, After he yelled at me, we hugged..twice.... it was always there like he promised and I am very grateful for that, he is right, it would have ruined me in the end.