[nottrustin]

Sunday made 9 months since T so unexpectedly passed. There are many days I still cant believe she is gone it seems so unreal that one moment a person can play such a huge part of ones life and the next minute any type of warning they are gone..just like that. I realized this morning that the anniversary of that horrible day was the day kiddo got into her car accident. Thankfully, kiddo is okay, I cant help wonder if you and mom were part of what kept her safe from what could have easily been much worse.

While therapy is never easy I always knew where I stood, i always knew what to expect, I always felt understood, and safe.

9 months later I feel so lost. I now have an amazing therapist that is patient and caring. Right now I feel like most of our work entails just understanding the other and what is going on with me. With T we started from the beginning where she had to strategically start from scratch of tearing down my walls and teaching me it is okay that and open up. I had nobody to compare you to. EMDR on the other hand started from the middle with me. I do have somebody to compare her to. I struggle with knowing that I cant compare the two as they are bothe great but very different.

Next week T is on vacation which means no contact for 13 days. It is a scary thought and likely part of why I am struggling to really connect with her. I have never told her any of this. It would be to painful but I am trying to work up the courage. To make it harder when I asked if she had any plans for her vaaction she told me her little family along with her mom and dad our going out of the country for a vacation. I dont think she realizes how envious I am that she has the opportunity to vacation with her parents. During the appointment when we were talking about the vacation, I was genuinely happy that she and her child can spend wonderful times with her parents. On the way home I was jealous and really sad because my mom never had the chance to spend time with never mind vacation with her adult children and grandchildren. I don't want to tell her this because I dont want her to filter what she tells me.

Sorry for the rambles.....

[SlumberKitty]

Anniversary's of stuff like that suck. It's hard. I understand your feelings of being glad for your T and the opportunity she has to vacation with her parents, but I also understand your feelings of being jealous and sad. Just wanted you to know that I heard ya. Hang in there. HUGS Kit

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Anniversary's of stuff like that suck. It's hard. I understand your feelings of being glad for your T and the opportunity she has to vacation with her parents, but I also understand your feelings of being jealous and sad. Just wanted you to know that I heard ya. Hang in there. HUGS Kit

Thank you Kit. Today just having somebody understand is huge.

I am so tempted to reach out to T right now. There is so much I want to tell her that could fill in some of the blanks that's she cant seem to figure out. I suspect if she knew about my fears of getting to close, needing more outside contact, etc pieces would fit together for her. Over the last few weeks I know after my appointment I need to open up more. I plan what to tell her next time. I plan to try to open up but then can't. At this very moment I want to explain everything to hee. This roller coaster is way to hard. I just want to get it out so it isnt the elephant in the room . Plus one of the reoccurring themes right now is that I am unable to feel and Express emotions. I have been fighting back tears all day

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Sunday made 9 months since T so unexpectedly passed. There are many days I still cant believe she is gone it seems so unreal that one moment a person can play such a huge part of ones life and the next minute any type of warning they are gone..just like that. I realized this morning that the anniversary of that horrible day was the day kiddo got into her car accident. Thankfully, kiddo is okay, I cant help wonder if you and mom were part of what kept her safe from what could have easily been much worse.

While therapy is never easy I always knew where I stood, i always knew what to expect, I always felt understood, and safe.

9 months later I feel so lost. I now have an amazing therapist that is patient and caring. Right now I feel like most of our work entails just understanding the other and what is going on with me. With T we started from the beginning where she had to strategically start from scratch of tearing down my walls and teaching me it is okay that and open up. I had nobody to compare you to. EMDR on the other hand started from the middle with me. I do have somebody to compare her to. I struggle with knowing that I cant compare the two as they are bothe great but very different.

Next week T is on vacation which means no contact for 13 days. It is a scary thought and likely part of why I am struggling to really connect with her. I have never told her any of this. It would be to painful but I am trying to work up the courage. To make it harder when I asked if she had any plans for her vaaction she told me her little family along with her mom and dad our going out of the country for a vacation. I dont think she realizes how envious I am that she has the opportunity to vacation with her parents. During the appointment when we were talking about the vacation, I was genuinely happy that she and her child can spend wonderful times with her parents. On the way home I was jealous and really sad because my mom never had the chance to spend time with never mind vacation with her adult children and grandchildren. I don't want to tell her this because I dont want her to filter what she tells me.

Sorry for the rambles.....

How do you know what she filters? You can't read her mind, and, really, what anybody else thinks about you is none of your business.
So, how are you going to spend her vacation? You are going to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Pamper yourself. Do something fun, with or without spouse and kids. Go somewhere you've longed to go to. Read. Listen to music. Make music. Light some candles and take a bubble bath. Eat what you want; eat ice cream for breakfast. Join a yoga group. Play chess, checkers, monopoly, etc. It doesn't matter WHAT you do, just do it. Otherwise, I'm afraid you'll get really depressed while T is away. Hugs--Cool

[coolibrarian]

ALSO, can you take some time to write down all the stuff you want to say? Then give it to her, to read. Is that reasonable? xox--Cool

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

If you struggle with contacting her, maybe write things down? That way you can give it to her either before or after her vacation and maybe you can free your mind a bit from those things? Otherwise I think contacting her would be a good option too. It sounds scary to tell her huge things just before she's gone, but again, maybe you you manage to process some of it and not obsess about it as much if you do share those things?

Also, everyone here is still here to listen and hopefully provide some comfort as well, if you need and want that. Hugs.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

How do you know what she filters? You can't read her mind, and, really, what anybody else thinks about you is none of your business.
So, how are you going to spend her vacation? You are going to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Pamper yourself. Do something fun, with or without spouse and kids. Go somewhere you've longed to go to. Read. Listen to music. Make music. Light some candles and take a bubble bath. Eat what you want; eat ice cream for breakfast. Join a yoga group. Play chess, checkers, monopoly, etc. It doesn't matter WHAT you do, just do it. Otherwise, I'm afraid you'll get really depressed while T is away. Hugs--Cool

What I meant by her not filtering what she says was that if I tell her it made me sad that she could have a vacation with her mom she would refrain from saying things about her mom. My mom died so young that these were the things that we were never able to do. I honestly dont think Y understands the grief I feel over losing my parents as hers are both alive and active. Howver, I still done want her to have to avoid talking about it.

I am not sure what I am going to do over the next week ( and the week she is taken off next month) but I know I will get through. I have gone 9 months without T1 so I know I can without this one. With various church commitments I will be very busy the next few weeks. I know that it will be good for me to have that extra 3 hours (between travel time and actual appointment).

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

ALSO, can you take some time to write down all the stuff you want to say? Then give it to her, to read. Is that reasonable? xox--Cool

I have twice today...not very productive at work...

A part of me is thinking maybe I should send her a text asking if bu some chance we can fit in an appointment before her vacation. I could take tomorrow off work I'd she has a slot or we could do a video conference. We could do a phone call but I would want to pay her.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup

If you struggle with contacting her, maybe write things down? That way you can give it to her either before or after her vacation and maybe you can free your mind a bit from those things? Otherwise I think contacting her would be a good option too. It sounds scary to tell her huge things just before she's gone, but again, maybe you you manage to process some of it and not obsess about it as much if you do share those things?

Also, everyone here is still here to listen and hopefully provide some comfort as well, if you need and want that. Hugs.

It is so hard to know what to do. I want to do what she thinks I should do but I cant read her mind.

Thank you for your support.

[nottrustin]

I suspect a lot of what is going on is a combination of factors i am dealing with right now. 1st my daughter was in a car accident on Sunday...she needed me to comfort and take care of her. All the emotions of seeing her mangled car and all was hard but I kept it all in. T would have been my go to person. Then to realize not only will she no longer be able to help me through plus it has been 9 months since I could talk to her. Then to add Emdr's vacation to the mis I am on overload...oh and this time change is killing me

[SlumberKitty]

HUGS Nottrustin...that's a lot to go through. I'm glad your daughter is okay from her accident. I'm glad you were there for her but I understand how it's hard for your T to not be there. I had to stop seeing my T in Sept because she got MS and when something happens to me now my first instinct is still to go to her but I can't. So I do understand a little. Maybe not exactly the same, but I hear you. HUGS Kit

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

HUGS Nottrustin...that's a lot to go through. I'm glad your daughter is okay from her accident. I'm glad you were there for her but I understand how it's hard for your T to not be there. I had to stop seeing my T in Sept because she got MS and when something happens to me now my first instinct is still to go to her but I can't. So I do understand a little. Maybe not exactly the same, but I hear you. HUGS Kit

I am sorry you are dealing with this right now too. It is so hard. I often feel like a broken record. This morning I was talking to hubby about missing T. I almost broke down crying saying I just want to talk to T...then told him I know I sound like a broken record. He have me a quick hug and said I know you miss her and walked off