[hopealwayz]

My session was better than the last one. But it also has me feeling like I don’t want to stay in therapy. The structure is too rigid and I feel like I can’t open up. My T realizes the inner conflict and mentioned it twice today. But it just feels cold and I can’t imagine doing this for the rest of this year.

[Taylor27]

Is it because he wont allow e-mails? maybe over time he wont be so rigid hugs

[DP_2017]

It's ok to step back and break from therapy for awhile

[hopealwayz]

I think it’s just that he doesn’t seem to be open to any other possibilities except for one way instead of realizing that everyone may benefit from different approaches. I really like him
a lot though.

[precaryous]

Sometimes the fit isn’t good and it’s perfectly fine to take a break or interview Ts until you find someone who is a better fit for you.

I wouldn’t see or pay a T that seemed too rigid for me.

[blackocean]

I think it’s okay for a T to reject email options and okay to reject a T who doesnt accept email. Neither is wrong. I’m also not keen on working with someone who wouldn’t read emails outside of session and probably wouldnt..

[hopealwayz]

Could it be possible that some of it may be due to the fact that he’s younger than my former Ts and hasn’t had as much experience as the previous ones?

[ScarletPimpernel]

If emailing (or lack of) is an issue for you, then I'd suggest finding someone else. But be careful... Just because a T allows emails, doesn't mean they don't have boundaries. Some may only be okay with a certain amount, and if you bombard them with emails, they may take it away.

If age is an issue for you, you might want to look into why? Do you prefer attaching to older men? Just because you prefer it, doesn't mean that it's healthy for you. I still think if you're going to find another T, find a female DBT T.

[ArtleyWilkins]

What are you finding too rigid? If it is the email/texting policy, you have tended to have repeated issues with therapists in the past because it seems that inevitably, they have to restrict your contact because of misuse/overuse. I'm not certain, even if you found a therapist who allowed it, it wouldn't end up the same way if those same issues reappear. It just seems like that's how it always ends up, and perhaps sticking with a better boundaried therapist like this instead of running from those boundaries might help you learn different coping skills that are healthier, more productive, and result in more effective therapy in the long run.

Or, is there some other issue that I've missed you considering as rigid? That's all I remember you mentioning.

[hopealwayz]

I’m okay with no emails so that isn’t the issue. It’s the sessions themselves. He just cold or overly clinical.

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

I’m okay with no emails so that isn’t the issue. It’s the sessions themselves. He just cold or overly clinical.

Do you mean like, you don't want to him to be measuring you so scientifically?
You want to talk to him more like a friend?

If you are conflicted, you can take a break from him for a while like others have said.

Who knows, after some time to reflect, you may want to continue. Or if your gut tells you otherwise then, trust your instincts. No need to rush to a decision right now, right?

[hopealwayz]

I don’t have to rush to a decision right now. I will keep going there until I decide.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Maybe instead of "cold and clinical", he's just being professional and asserting boundaries? Remember, Ts are not meant to be friends in anyway. I know you see it happens sometimes from here, but you'll also see that those people have a whole mess of other problems.

I know, in the beginning, I thought my T was being cold. I also felt like she wasn't listening. We worked through it, and I'm so happy I didn't give up. My T turned out to be the best T I've ever had. I don't like everything she says and does. But we have both grown (I think) from the relationship. Sometimes the hard parts are the best.

Can you tell us what cold and clinical looks like to you? Any specific things he said that feel cold?

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

Could it be possible that some of it may be due to the fact that he’s younger than my former Ts and hasn’t had as much experience as the previous ones?

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

I’m okay with no emails so that isn’t the issue. It’s the sessions themselves. He just cold or overly clinical.

The T I currently am seeing is much younger, I'd say at least 10 years and he's new to the industry. I was reluctant with him at first, but after trying several T's, he's the best of them and I chose to remain with him

He's also much more "clinical" than T. He isn't very chatty or giggly. I mean he talks alot about T stuff but not randomness, I like this, it helps me stay focused on what needs to get done. I love my T, but we spent WAYYYYYYYY too much session time talking nonsense and laughing and I still have so many unresolved issues. This time, I know what I need to work on, he has plans on how to help, we talk about and discuss homework etc, it's been quite helpful to me so far.

It might be just what you need even if it isn't what you want

[SlumberKitty]

I do think at times how well the client and clinician connect can be a main factor in how well the client does. If the cold and clinical manner is getting in the way of that, it might be worth interviewing a few T's and seeing if any of them have a warmer countenance. HUGS Kit

[Shotokan Karate]

Is it possible that you want a personal relationship with him, although you know that he can't be your therapist and friend because of the necessary boundaries that need to be held in order for therapy to take place. You may not really be aware of it on some level.

[hopealwayz]

My former T had mentioned that he was very clinical last year when I was first going to see him. Maybe I didn’t like when he said he’s not going to praise the good stuff. That was in reference to me telling him that I was doing better with something. Maybe I was confused because I thought that Ts are supposed to notice improvements. I told him that I wasn’t looking for that praise but I told him that I wanted him notice when I was doing better. Not for me and it doesn’t matter if he told me what he thought but I wanted him to notice for himself. We didn’t have much time to get into this because the session was almost over when this came up. There are some things that make him easier to talk to. He does laugh with some of the topics that we discuss. I did like that he was clear about what he will or won’t do. Maybe because he knew my last T and he knew how much I got hurt when he terminated me almost unexpectedly just a few days after telling me everything was okay. I did thank him for not not being being willing to do anything that would hurt the trust I have in him. Somehow I ended up trusting him a lot sooner than any other T.

[hopealwayz]

He was very clear about the friend thing before we even agreed to start therapy. I had never even thought about wanting to be friends with him when he brought that up. He talked about that because he knew about something that happened with my former T. I thanked him for not being willing to do anything to hurt my trust. He explained that in a friendship people hold stuff back and he wanted to make sure to give me that space where I would be able to express my feelings/thoughts without judgement and feel safe that it was okay to talk about anything.

[hopealwayz]

I just remembered that there was a moment when I was talking to him and tears started falling down my face and I felt like he was really hearing me. Also, he knows how upset I was about last week’s session and he only mentioned what happened briefly but he didn’t do what he did last week so he must have understood what I felt.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

My former T had mentioned that he was very clinical last year when I was first going to see him. Maybe I didn’t like when he said he’s not going to praise the good stuff. That was in reference to me telling him that I was doing better with something. Maybe I was confused because I thought that Ts are supposed to notice improvements. I told him that I wasn’t looking for that praise but I told him that I wanted him notice when I was doing better. Not for me and it doesn’t matter if he told me what he thought but I wanted him to notice for himself. We didn’t have much time to get into this because the session was almost over when this came up. There are some things that make him easier to talk to. He does laugh with some of the topics that we discuss. I did like that he was clear about what he will or won’t do. Maybe because he knew my last T and he knew how much I got hurt when he terminated me almost unexpectedly just a few days after telling me everything was okay. I did thank him for not not being being willing to do anything that would hurt the trust I have in him. Somehow I ended up trusting him a lot sooner than any other T.

My T has said he’s been reluctant to mention my improvements because he’s afraid that then I won’t want to tell him when I’m doing more poorly. Because I tend to be a people pleaser. So I wonder if it could be something like that?

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

Maybe I didn’t like when he said he’s not going to praise the good stuff. That was in reference to me telling him that I was doing better with something. Maybe I was confused because I thought that Ts are supposed to notice improvements. I told him that I wasn’t looking for that praise but I told him that I wanted him notice when I was doing better. Not for me and it doesn’t matter if he told me what he thought but I wanted him to notice for himself.

Is his style "tough love" or something? I feel that he should let you know of your improvements. He is there for you; how can he withhold that information from you?

[hopealwayz]

I’m not sure why he is like that. He didn’t really go into any specific reason but I’m supposed to see him tomorrow and he may bring it up again.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by ennie

Is his style "tough love" or something? I feel that he should let you know of your improvements. He is there for you; how can he withhold that information from you?

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

I’m not sure why he is like that. He didn’t really go into any specific reason but I’m supposed to see him tomorrow and he may bring it up again.

I think it has to do with not taking care of them. Therapists try to avoid clients getting into that mindset.... and so when they say things like this, it's more like it doesn't matter what they think (or shouldn't) but rather what you think of your own progress

My T was very boundary pushing but with this, never. I would sometimes gets him to try to say something like that and he would always be like "If you notice it, that's what counts" it sucks but it's just part of how they are trained to deal with it.

[hopealwayz]

He did say it was what I think that matters.