There is always a motive

MoxieDoxie · Apr 04, 2019, 07:31 AM

Last week during a hard session he asked me if all my issues were fixed in therapy did I feel I could not come back anymore. I said yes....he asked why....I said that was the rules. He proceed to say the most kindest things I ever heard. He said I could keep coming back as much as I wanted as long as I wanted and if Anthem BCBS did not exist any longer he would figure out a sliding scale for me and that for not a single reason would he ever terminate me or kick me out. I could not stop the water works from coming.

Of course, I am sorry but, not one has ever said such things to me with a motive. No a cigar is not just a cigar. Things are said for a reason. I found out the truth a week later.

Yeah....now I know why he said that. He has not come out and told me out right but I knew there was a motive behind that. Something was off. He started dressing nicer. Nice pants and button down shirt as before he was more in T-shirts and jeans. I checked out his psychologyToday page and he has all new pictures and a new profile and he no longer takes insurance. So there you have it. It was not a kind gesture. That does not exist in life. There is always a hidden reason. I am devastated. We wiped out our bank accounts to buy a townhouse, as our landlord was selling his place and we could not afford it. I got into a car accident and had to use even more money to get a used car, we also had to get a loan on top of the mortgage......well I can not afford $600 a month. He is worth every penny. I am so mad for letting my guards down and trusting someone.

I wish I was not so painfully attached to him. This is so triggering. I wish I was dead so I do not have to feel this.

ArtleyWilkins · Apr 04, 2019, 08:12 AM

I'm missing something. It sounds like he was saying whatever the insurance circumstance, he would work with you on a sliding scale. I'm not sure why that is devastating, but maybe I'm not getting it.

MoxieDoxie · Apr 04, 2019, 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

I'm missing something. It sounds like he was saying whatever the insurance circumstance, he would work with you on a sliding scale. I'm not sure why that is devastating, but maybe I'm not getting it.

because he knew and did not tell me! I had to find out on my own instead of him telling me in session and helping me navigate my feelings. Instead I am thrown into an emotional flashback trying handle these feelings and I am not doing well and I am over the top over reacting I am sure.

ArtleyWilkins · Apr 04, 2019, 08:20 AM

You might want to double check. My therapist's webpage doesn't list that he takes insurance but he absolutely does. He simply doesn't list them on the webpage because they change fairly frequently.

But still. I'm not sure how giving a head's up that insurance circumstances, even if they changed wouldn't be a cause for ending therapy, is a bad thing. Perspective. He's reassuring you. I highly doubt he was intending to be deceptive. More likely, things weren't finalized (may still not be finalized) so he's working with a variety of scenarios.

MoxieDoxie · Apr 04, 2019, 08:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

You might want to double check. My therapist's webpage doesn't list that he takes insurance but he absolutely does. He simply doesn't list them on the webpage because they change fairly frequently.

But still. I'm not sure how giving a head's up that insurance circumstances, even if they changed wouldn't be a cause for ending therapy, is a bad thing. Perspective. He's reassuring you. I highly doubt he was intending to be deceptive. More likely, things weren't finalized (may still not be finalized) so he's working with a variety of scenarios.

And this is one of my problems. I cant think clear like that when I am activated and in an emotional flashback. My reactions do not fit the situation. The entire system goes into meltdown and will do anything not to feel the pain of worst case scenarios. When my reactions come from the wounded child it is hard for the adult part to regain control.

ArtleyWilkins · Apr 04, 2019, 08:32 AM

I understand. Slow yourself down. Breathe. He sounds like a caring and supportive therapist.

Omers · Apr 04, 2019, 08:33 AM

MoxiDoxi please take a deep breath and wait until you can talk to him. My Pdoc did that many years ago on her professional web page... come to find out she would not be doing insurance for new clients coming in but “grandfathered” existing clients. I also work with a massage T because I have a lot of trouble with touch (she is a licensed massage therapist but also has a masters in counseling. She does not take insurance and does not have a sliding scale... however when I found T and told her I was going to have to cut back on our appointments to see T she said no... you will come as you always have. If you have the money then you can pay me. If you don’t have the money ai expect to see you anyway. And she has.
Hugs

MoxieDoxie · Apr 04, 2019, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omers

MoxiDoxi please take a deep breath and wait until you can talk to him. My Pdoc did that many years ago on her professional web page... come to find out she would not be doing insurance for new clients coming in but “grandfathered” existing clients. I also work with a massage T because I have a lot of trouble with touch (she is a licensed massage therapist but also has a masters in counseling. She does not take insurance and does not have a sliding scale... however when I found T and told her I was going to have to cut back on our appointments to see T she said no... you will come as you always have. If you have the money then you can pay me. If you don’t have the money ai expect to see you anyway. And she has.
Hugs

To late the email has been sent off with a very accusing tone......along with other crap sprinkled in. He is going to be so either confused or mad and now I will have to explain that I was looking at his psychologyToday web page. I only did that because he started dressing nicer and it set my instincts off.

MoxieDoxie · Apr 04, 2019, 08:43 AM

Yeah he is confused......

He replied to my email that he is available up until 1pm to day if I want to call and discuss it because he is not sure what is being asked.

Nope not calling him. I have a session tomorrow and maybe then I will be out of this part and more cohesive to discuss things maturely. Now I have to figure out how to explain myself with out feeling so much shame.

ElectricManatee · Apr 04, 2019, 08:54 AM

Why not call him and see if you can work it out sooner so you don't have to suffer until tomorrow? I don't think he would offer and tell you when he was available if he didn't want you to call. My T and I often do some of our most important work when I am a crying, triggered, freaking out mess. He's a therapist, so he doesn't need you to have it all together in order to help you.

MoxieDoxie · Apr 04, 2019, 09:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Why not call him and see if you can work it out sooner so you don't have to suffer until tomorrow? I don't think he would offer and tell you when he was available if he didn't want you to call. My T and I often do some of our most important work when I am a crying, triggered, freaking out mess. He's a therapist, so he doesn't need you to have it all together in order to help you.

I emailed him back:

I am sorry just ignore it.

And this is one of my problems. I can't think clear when I am activated. My reactions did fit the situation. My entire system goes into meltdown and will do anything not to feel the pain of what this part is shoeing me. When my reactions come from that wounded child part it is hard for the adult part to regain control.

I need to just sit on my feelings longer and just wait it out and let things pass before I act on them but it is so hard not to.

MoxieDoxie · Apr 04, 2019, 09:16 AM

Anyway.....Thanks everyone.

Lordy I can not believe how fast I fly into a flashback. I thought those days were going to be over. It has sucked the life out of me. I feel like it has taken all the nutrients and glucose from my muscles. I am so tired.

NP_Complete · Apr 04, 2019, 09:26 AM

Something similar happened to me. I looked at his psychology today profile because sometimes reading his blurb or looking at his photo comforts me. He had added some text saying he no longer accepted my insurance. I had an emotional meltdown. I was so scared he was abandoning me, my mind went everywhere. I was even thinking he was leaving our city. I broke down and emailed him saying what I found and asking if he was leaving. He responded even though I think we were meeting the next day. He wasn't accepting new clients with my insurance but he would still file for me. I was so relieved. I felt a bit silly but it obviously triggered something in me. It sounds like your t is doing something similar. Take that call with him so you don't have to sit in your triggered state. Hugs.

MoxieDoxie · Apr 04, 2019, 09:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

Something similar happened to me. I looked at his psychology today profile because sometimes reading his blurb or looking at his photo comforts me. He had added some text saying he no longer accepted my insurance. I had an emotional meltdown. I was so scared he was abandoning me, my mind went everywhere. I was even thinking he was leaving our city. I broke down and emailed him saying what I found and asking if he was leaving. He responded even though I think we were meeting the next day. He wasn't accepting new clients with my insurance but he would still file for me. I was so relieved. I felt a bit silly but it obviously triggered something in me. It sounds like your t is doing something similar. Take that call with him so you don't have to sit in your triggered state. Hugs.

I emailed him and emailed me back but I did not discuss the reason for my meltdown. I do not want to discuss this with him today right now and take up any of his time as I feel real guilty right now about my behavior. He won't ignore this come tomorrow session. And if he is not taking insurance anymore, even from me, then maybe I will be in my adult state and be able to handle whatever compromise he comes up with.

Even though he does not know the reason for my meltdown email he took it calmly and tried to assure me. This is his response:

You are always welcome (encouraged) to email me, even when the active part is out. You have told me this before and I trust that we will work it out.

After all, it is for a reason (whatever it might be) and I understand that reason might change or pass. So continue doing you, no judgement on my end.

Don't hesitate to call if I am missing the mark still.

MoxieDoxie · Apr 05, 2019, 06:02 AM

Yesterday was an eye opener for me regarding just how much I lean on my therapist to function in life. When I thought that was getting severed I regressed as if I have never had therapy before. All the color drained from my world and I did not want to be in it. How is this healthy? I went to therapy because that is how I felt on a daily basis. Hating living, wanting to die all the time, self harming, bulimic. Did I just transferred all those things on to him to hold and then if he goes away it gets dumped right back on me? Has nothing changed in my brain or within me?

Am I so broken? Now I know why people walk around as heavily medicated as they can be.

I have to face him today about yesterdays meltdown. How embarassing.

Amyjay · Apr 05, 2019, 06:02 AM

Yeah, what he said. No judgment. You react that way because of a lifetime of your experiences. Other people with similar experiences react in very similar ways. It isn't because of a personal failure or defect. Its because that's how human beings who develop in a soup of similar experiences learn to react.
Learning to understand the physiology and psychology behind these kinds of normal-for-the-developmental-experiences reactions and then applying that understanding to the actual re-experiencing of the' activated ---> back-to-resolved' cycle helps.
But I do think some self-compassion rather than self-judgment is called for here. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. Over time, your best will get better.

here today · Apr 05, 2019, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

. . .
I have to face him today about yesterdays meltdown. How embarassing.

I agree with Amyjay, and what it sounded like your T was saying in his email.

You melted down. So what. A tendency to do that sometimes is reasonably a part of why you are in therapy. It's OK!

Hope things go well in the session.

Rive. · Apr 05, 2019, 09:20 AM

He seems like a good T, willing to stick with you no matter what. And accepting of you - the whole of you. This is rare.

Anne2.0 · Apr 05, 2019, 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Learning to understand the physiology and psychology behind these kinds of normal-for-the-developmental-experiences reactions and then applying that understanding to the actual re-experiencing of the' activated ---> back-to-resolved' cycle helps.
But I do think some self-compassion rather than self-judgment is called for here. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. Over time, your best will get better.

I get the triggers from the past, as mine were powerful, causing me to misinterpret and distort information in all kinds of ways. Our brains have these trauma grooves that sweep things into the well worn pathways of "I am always betrayed" or whatever the messages are that replay in your head.

I do agree that you can do better over time, but I think you have to consciously work on identifying the physiological response (in the body, which I think appears as a fear reaction before your mind kicks in with the interpretations) and then have a conscious plan for stopping the reaction/response. Like, don't fire off emails when you identify yourself as being upset. When you're doing this, you're just feeding the physiological arousal of fear and reactivating it by blurting it out in email.

You can work with your T on a plan for what to do when you're in this place that you are familiar with. Maybe it starts with three deep breaths, engaging that nerve. I find this works well for me, although it took awhile to see that happen. There's a reason those grooves are so well worn. But it is possible to interrupt your reactionary responses and transform them into deliberate, intentional action. For me, learning to do this at least some of the time has transformed my life.

SalingerEsme · Apr 05, 2019, 12:24 PM

This post immediately sparked tears in my eyes. I am so sorry. I don't trust my T either with touching moments just being touching. He should have told you openly. However, it is possible he will still carry anthem just for you. I know it is the insurance many T's can stand, and maybe he will grandfather you and simply mean what he said?

MoxieDoxie · Apr 05, 2019, 02:54 PM

Hmm....had my appointment. He did not get it. Did not understand. First advice was do not give him so much power....I am not that special he said. Then was did I feel titrating sessions would help? Then he literally calculated that he was less than 1% of my weekly life. Then he asks why was it bad that I relied on him?

1 hr of not really much transpiring or changing and I left scratching my head. Everyone here understood what was going on with me more than he did. I even had him read my last correspondence that really explained everything I was feeling and he still did not get it. Is it possible he does not know what transference is? It told him I have a child part clinging to his leg and that I was very emotionally connected to him and that he of all people in my life can really hurt me. That I let my walls down with him. His advice was put the wall back up but just take one brick out to peek through.

He said he was real simple and I was giving him way too much credit here.

MoxieDoxie · Apr 05, 2019, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

This post immediately sparked tears in my eyes. I am so sorry. I don't trust my T either with touching moments just being touching. He should have told you openly. However, it is possible he will still carry anthem just for you. I know it is the insurance many T's can stand, and maybe he will grandfather you and simply mean what he said?

I did not even bring up insurance. I guess he will bring it up when the time comes and I will deal with it then.

NP_Complete · Apr 05, 2019, 03:14 PM

Why on earth would he suggest putting your wall back up? I would think that therapists would want your wall to come down. I know mine does. Mine also acknowledges his importance in my life, and not in some egoistic way either.

Did you decide not to tell him why you were upset, just that you were, if you didn't even bring up the insurance?

ArtleyWilkins · Apr 05, 2019, 03:27 PM

I'm not sure how he could understand if you didn't talk to him about the insurance thing. Isn't that what set this all off? I'm guessing he is scratching his head because he doesn't have all of the information.

As far as the wall thing goes, I think what he is saying is very similar to what my therapist would have said at the slightest inkling that I was in any way putting him on some kind of pedestal. People fall off pedestals. The wall isn't to shut him out. It is to have a natural barrier between you and your vision of him which, right now, is rather enmeshed.

He is he and you are you, but right now, you are giving him too much power in your life. The slight misstep you perceived as a huge betrayal is the evidence of that.

Natural boundaries (a better word that "wall" but I think that's what he was talking about -- he was just using the word "wall' because you did I'm guessing) are healthy. Boundaries shouldn't be completely open; they vary depending on the people and the circumstance.

I think what he is perhaps saying is to take him down off that pedestal. Put him back in a place of reality. Find your own footing again. Then, look at him a bit at a time, always remembering he is just an individual. He's there to work with you and help you, but to put too much weight in his opinion and actions to the point that your ability to function collapses on his slightest misstep just isn't healthy.

MoxieDoxie · Apr 05, 2019, 03:38 PM

He did ask what made me think he was going away or I could not come back? I barked off, "What does that matter?". I did not want to discuss the insurance thing I wanted what not being able to come back provoked in me and why and how to deal with it and needing him to understand that and explain it and explore it.

Menu

There is always a motive

My Support Forums