Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

DP_2017 · Jun 21, 2019 at 12:47 PM

I envy all the people who still have their T's. All the people who never had to say goodbye. I used to believe you would think of me sometimes and miss me but I no longer do. I've taken a realistic view of it and I know you've moved on. I'm in your past, along with your career... and unlike the impact you had on me, I did nothing for you that was truly life changing. I hope you are happy though. I doubt we will ever see each other again, I'm not lucky in life. I hope the people you've replaced me with are good to you and worth your time. Love you and miss you.... but trying to let go.

Jun 21, 2019 at 05:06 PM

Hugs, DP.

LonesomeTonight · Jun 21, 2019 at 07:08 PM

Dear T,
I hate that you won't know if you'll have wifi on your vacation until you're there. I mean, my goal is not to email you, but it would help to know I could if needed. Or even just to know in advance if I couldn't? At least I heard back from your backup T and scheduled with her. She was helpful the last time, though that was only by phone. I know a week (I guess 10 days between sessions) isn't that long. And I should be glad you're not going away for longer. Just...will miss you. I think my plan to not talk about my parents/childhood next week is a good one. Just trying not to dredge anything up, though knowing me, something will happen near the end of the last session before you leave.
Love,
LT

Jun 21, 2019 at 07:09 PM

maybe i came back
because i don't want to be alone
with my words
my words that are slithering out
and making their way to become
my homework

and i don't want to be alone
with them when they come
i showed you only one
one was enough because
your hand over your heart
as I read to you those words

and i was no longer alone

nottrustin · Jun 21, 2019 at 07:12 PM

Really missing you today. The pain unbearable. WHY????? It just isn't fair.

Jun 21, 2019 at 09:05 PM

Hey I know what. Let's do a 4 hour session tomorrow. We could get some **** done that way. An hour is just not enough time.
Wouldn't that just be a hoot if I actually asked for something like that? I can only imagine.

Jun 22, 2019 at 05:12 AM

Not that I would even ask to come on a Saturday again.

Echos Myron redux · Jun 22, 2019 at 11:12 AM

I miss you and I love you and I dont like you and I don't want to see you.

LostOnTheTrail · Jun 22, 2019 at 12:42 PM

Possible trigger:

I am alarmed by the frequency with which the thought 'I don't want to be in my own head' crosses my mind.

88Butterfly88 · Jun 22, 2019 at 04:49 PM

Treble Clef,

Possible trigger:

I wish I was dead.

-Butterfly

puzzclar · Jun 22, 2019 at 06:45 PM

I wish you knew about the last couple of days. It's been hell. I hope this is the bottom that propels me into recovery. I deserve better!!

LonesomeTonight · Jun 22, 2019 at 07:47 PM

Dear T,
Feel really awful now after fight with H. But I'm not having another beer (I kept to my limit tonight). I'm not contacting you. I'm not doing another destructive thing. I'm managing. Might hold the stone for a few minutes though...

Love,
LT

Jun 22, 2019 at 08:22 PM

I know what was not a reason that I came back too. I did not come back to get help to leave my h. So please try not to sound like that's what you're trying to talk me into doing okay? It almost felt that way the other day for a minute there. I am not ready for that. I don't know if I ever will be. I want to work on this stuff inside myself that I started talking about the other day. Let's just leave my marriage out of the picture for the time being okay?

TrailRunner14 · Jun 22, 2019 at 11:14 PM

M.

Disrespect.

You felt disrespected and I showed no empathy.

I was in trouble and reverted.

You can’t have empathy for the abuser when your only concern is figuring out how to protect or explain your way out.

I feel like a psychopath in your eyes.

I’m not!

In that moment I was freaking out and trying to figure out what I had done wrong and how to fix it.

I wonder if I will ever really be able to have a grown up real relationship.

I’m sorry that I didn’t understand that you felt disrespect. Coming from where I do, that kind of felt disrespecting to me that I had done something wrong.

I had to put this somewhere to calm it down.

I want to talk about this. I want you to understand my protector.

Trail

SheHulk07 · Jun 23, 2019 at 02:00 AM

I don't know how I'm supposed to reach out late at night. I am not calling anyone, especially not you, after having something to drink. The only thing I ever feel relatively comfortable with is texting, and I know that you don't do that.

Lemoncake · Jun 23, 2019 at 03:38 AM

1. Dear R,

I'm sorry.

2. T that I'm seeing on thursday, Sorry for wasting your time already.

LabRat27 · Jun 23, 2019 at 04:04 PM

Why now?
Do you have any idea how much I needed to hear that six ****ing months ago???

Jersey 4 · Jun 23, 2019 at 04:29 PM

Did I ever tell you how much I resent paying you money for therapy all those years? I resent it. That is all.

Oh, and I hate you. I ****ing hate you.

Omers · Jun 23, 2019 at 11:07 PM

T, so much stuff for tomorrow... the relationship that came up last session, the rupture, your wanting to connect... my invitation to help you if you wanted to meet the real me, not the public persona... I don’t know what the biggest priority is. I wish we had more than an hour.

SheHulk07 · Jun 24, 2019 at 12:56 AM

I'm already worrying about tomorrow's session. I really fear that I'll walk in, tell you about the weekend, and won't walk out. I know you've said that won't happen unexpectedly. But with you talking about whether you think we're at a place where I need hospitalization, I worry if I say no then you'll have me forced.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

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Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 21, 2019 at 05:06 PM #862 Hugs, DP.

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 21, 2019 at 07:09 PM #864 maybe i came back because i don't want to be alone with my words my words that are slithering out and making their way to become my homework and i don't want to be alone with them when they come i showed you only one one was enough because your hand over your heart as I read to you those words and i was no longer alone

nottrustin Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2014 Location: n/a Posts: 4,819 10 375 hugs given	Jun 21, 2019 at 07:12 PM #865 Really missing you today. The pain unbearable. WHY????? It just isn't fair. __________________

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 21, 2019 at 09:05 PM #866 Hey I know what. Let's do a 4 hour session tomorrow. We could get some **** done that way. An hour is just not enough time. Wouldn't that just be a hoot if I actually asked for something like that? I can only imagine.

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 22, 2019 at 05:12 AM #867 Not that I would even ask to come on a Saturday again.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,161 6 1,834 hugs given	Jun 22, 2019 at 11:12 AM #868 I miss you and I love you and I dont like you and I don't want to see you.

88Butterfly88 Moderator Community Support Team Member Since Dec 2015 Location: New Jersey Posts: 54,206 (SuperPoster!) 8 10.5k hugs given	Jun 22, 2019 at 04:49 PM #870 Treble Clef, Possible trigger: I wish I was dead. -Butterfly

puzzclar Elder Member Since Jan 2010 Location: Where? US Posts: 5,621 14 101 hugs given	Jun 22, 2019 at 06:45 PM #871 I wish you knew about the last couple of days. It's been hell. I hope this is the bottom that propels me into recovery. I deserve better!!

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,768 (SuperPoster!) 9 75k hugs given	Jun 22, 2019 at 07:47 PM #872 Dear T, Feel really awful now after fight with H. But I'm not having another beer (I kept to my limit tonight). I'm not contacting you. I'm not doing another destructive thing. I'm managing. Might hold the stone for a few minutes though... Love, LT

SheHulk07 Magnate Member Since Oct 2013 Location: CO Posts: 2,305 10 871 hugs given	Jun 23, 2019 at 02:00 AM #875 I don't know how I'm supposed to reach out late at night. I am not calling anyone, especially not you, after having something to drink. The only thing I ever feel relatively comfortable with is texting, and I know that you don't do that.

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,700 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jun 23, 2019 at 03:38 AM #876 1. Dear R, I'm sorry. 2. T that I'm seeing on thursday, Sorry for wasting your time already. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

LabRat27 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2018 Location: CA Posts: 1,009 6 2,354 hugs given	Jun 23, 2019 at 04:04 PM #877 Why now? Do you have any idea how much I needed to hear that six **ing months ago???

Jersey 4 Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: NJ Posts: 1,162 5 1,170 hugs given	Jun 23, 2019 at 04:29 PM #878 Did I ever tell you how much I resent paying you money for therapy all those years? I resent it. That is all. Oh, and I hate you. I ****ing hate you.

SheHulk07 Magnate Member Since Oct 2013 Location: CO Posts: 2,305 10 871 hugs given	Jun 24, 2019 at 12:56 AM #880 I'm already worrying about tomorrow's session. I really fear that I'll walk in, tell you about the weekend, and won't walk out. I know you've said that won't happen unexpectedly. But with you talking about whether you think we're at a place where I need hospitalization, I worry if I say no then you'll have me forced.