[hopealwayz]

Warmth and connection is something that isn’t important to my T and when he said that, it deeply hurt me because that is what I want in a therapist. So because of that, he said maybe we’re not a good fit.

Can someone give me some evidence that supports the importance of that in therapy?

[DP_2017]

It probably isn't to the therapists, but it can be important to the client, you can ask him for things you want or need, if he can't meet them, then sure you can find someone new
I am glad you got in, it was nice at least that he got you in on short notice after missing yesterday, that's pretty dang kind.

[stopdog]

I don't see that as kindness - if the guy had a slot open then having a client fill it is just business as usual.

[LonesomeTonight]

I think connection is important in therapy. If there's no connection, I imagine it would be difficult to open up and share difficult feelings (at least for me). Less sure about warmth. My current T isn't particularly warm (he has moments), but he's been helpful to me. Ex-marriage counselor was very warm, and I miss that at times, but I don't think it's necessary.

[Taylor27]

I think connection is a important thing in therapy because we are sharing our deepest emotions and hurts, and desires in therapy. My t is not always warm to me but i feel like he truly cares about me and my well being, and that too is important to me. Hugs Therapy is a relationship although it is one sided it takes time to trust and open up to someone. Hugs

[comrademoomoo]

This probably speaks a lot to my disconnected nature, but connection is a very slippery experience. Connection can occur through pattern, familiarity, obligation (professional or otherwise), and so on. It is not necessarily a meaningful state. I am not sure what people are referencing when they describe connection in a therapeutic relationship.

[precaryous]

Doesn’t it depend on our goal(s) in therapy?

Connection and warmth are important to me in my current therapy.

But if I went to therapy with a goal of, perhaps, help with performance anxiety at school or work, connection and warmth might not be as important.

Hope, if connection and warmth are important to you in therapy, I feel your current T is telling you he is not the right fit for you unless you can use his expertise for some other purpose.

[Echos Myron redux]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

Can someone give me some evidence that supports the importance of that in therapy?

Working at Relational Depth in Counselling and Psychotherapy: Amazon.co.uk: Dave Mearns, Mick Cooper: 9781473977938: Books

But just because something is a demonstrably beneficial way of working, doesn't mean all therapists work that way, or should work that way. If its not your therapist's style or training, I dont think it is possible or useful to convince him otherwise.

[susannahsays]

What was the context in which this was said? It seems like a strange thing for a therapist to say, so I am just curious. Not trying to grill you or anything.

I think it's up to you to decide whether or not you're a good match, not him. Did you feel rejected when he suggested you might not be? In my experience, psychiatrists are not very warm and fuzzy, and they don't really emphasize "the relationship" as a vehicle for therapeutic change the way that many therapists do. Of course, that is not an absolute rule and I am speaking about psychiatrists in the US who almost all stick to med management and don't do therapy. Does your therapist do therapy with anybody else, or are you a special case he was taking on?

I do agree with Echos that you aren't going to be able to change his fundamental way of working by providing evidence that what you want would be helpful.

You seemed happy with him before (apart from some hiccups), so maybe his words hurt but don't actually mean he isn't a good therapist for you. That's just an idea, and may be wrong.

[Mopey]

I’d say if it was important to you as a client, it is important. To me it was always crucial.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Doesn’t it depend on our goal(s) in therapy?

Connection and warmth are important to me in my current therapy.

But if I went to therapy with a goal of, perhaps, help with performance anxiety at school or work, connection and warmth might not be as important.

Hope, if connection and warmth are important to you in therapy, I feel your current T is telling you he is not the right fit for you unless you can use his expertise for some other purpose.

Agreed

This time around, I just need someone who isn't judgemental to listen to my grief stuff, since I don't feel comfortable talking about it with most people. Having no connection is nice, we don't even joke around, it has helped so much in me not caring. I focus on the session and the work more and not the relationship. I trust him enough that he wont say anything to people and we "connect" on a basic human level and thats good enough for me

BUT

With my previous therapist, in that time in my life, the relationship saved me. I would not say that it mattered TO HIM if there was a connection or warmth though, it was more something I needed.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm sorry that you are heartbroken. It's good you got in to see your T but I'm sorry you are hurting now. I think connection is important in therapy, IDK about warmth. My former T was warm but current T isn't necessarily. I don't have any evidence to back this up, this is just my opinion. Gentle hugs to you. Kit

[hopealwayz]

At the end of session, I asked him if he would think about it and he agreed.

I don’t want to go to anymore Ts. The ones that I’ve had have been enough.

[DP_2017]

It's ok to take a break if you need Hope. I have taken a few with baby T and will again come May.

[hopealwayz]

Can someone help me look up the importance of this issue so I can get this stuff together and show him the value in it.

[DP_2017]

Just google "therapeutic relationship" but remember, he doesn't HAVE to see it the same way. He may not. It's ok to show him and explain and even to say you want/need that but it's also ok for him to set limits/boundaries and keep a distance there.

I do think having you come in today, fairly last minute, was warm/caring. There are probably other times he has said or done something that felt warm or caring, maybe write those down so you have a good reminder of those things? Maybe there is warmth, connection there, just in a different way than you are used to

Connection/Warmth can be different to everyone

[velcro003]

I don’t think you bringing in resources are as important as you talking about how it matters to YOU. I do find it an odd statement for a T to make.

[hopealwayz]

He does some caring things but that put me over the top since I was already barely hanging on.

[Taylor27]

It's ok to take a break from therapy. I am so sorry you are hurting so much i hope you and your t can talk more about this. Hugs

It goes back as far as Freud:

https://www.family-institute.org/sit..._therapist.pdf

The importance of a therapeutic relationship - in psychotherapy and beyond | Life Labs

https://ogradywellbeing.com/psychotherapy-love-healing/

I’m not sure trying to change his mind (or him) is going to help this situation but as they say it’s all grist for the mill!