[CartDown]

I posted this in another therapy forum, because I'm just desperate to get it off my chest and wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation. This is how I obsess. I'm overwhelmed and pissed off for no reason, really.

It takes a lot for me to come out of my shell, and even when I am out, I'm still unsure who I am. I do hesitate a lot and have mentioned in the past how my therapist makes faces and I read them wrong all the time and that I downplay my pain with humor.

It's not his fault, I do it with everyone. But he says he feels like he hasn't been doing such a great job with me because he wants to create a safe place for me and after 6 months, I'm still shy. I'm still nervous, I still fidget, I still censor myself and I don't always speak up when I have a problem with him. He said I worry too much about wanting to be liked by him. He said I should feel comfortable to say anything, even if I come off as an asshole. That's the place to be an asshole, supposedly. Him telling me this was like a knife to the heart. It hurt because it really made me feel like he thinks he's failing with me.

After going home, instead of sitting with my feelings, understanding where I feel it in my body and controlling the urges it brings out of me, I wrote him an email telling him I'm really like this with everyone and then a 2nd email this morning when I was pissed because I'm scared and unsure and It felt like i was being run over by a bulldozer. I even told him if the email did anger him (that's my fear, he never expressed this) then "**** you." He might be a bit confused. I didn't leave angry. I'm just feeling uncomfortable and trying to hang on till my next appointment. I'm still not sure who I'm supposed to be.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Hey, CD.

6 months is a relatively short time in therapy terms. I've been with my current therapist for around 2.5 years, and I'm only just getting to the point where I can open up. (If my Critic will let me.)

I don't have the full picture, obviously, but it sounds to me like your T is really trying to help you come out of your shell.

I hope you can reach an understanding.

Take care,

Lost

[CartDown]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Hey, CD.

6 months is a relatively short time in therapy terms. I've been with my current therapist for around 2.5 years, and I'm only just getting to the point where I can open up. (If my Critic will let me.)

I don't have the full picture, obviously, but it sounds to me like your T is really trying to help you come out of your shell.

I hope you can reach an understanding.

Take care,

Lost

Thanks, Lost. I should say it's been more like over 7 months, but still. I hate how these things overwhelm me as much as they do. I plan to let a lot out during my next session, but I've said that to myself before. I really don't want him to feel like he's not good at what he does. Maybe saying "**** you" didn't help get that point across, though. Ugh.

[LostOnTheTrail]

You're welcome, CD.

Do you journal at all? I find it quite helpful, when I can get into that headspace.

It sounds like it came across to you that he was telling you to be different in the sessions? If that is so, then what he said is the opposite of acceptance, and no wonder you’ve had an emotional reaction to that. I think that one of the greatest things our T can give us is acceptance and respect, even maybe love for who we are.

[stopdog]

Who do you go as? I don't understand the whole going as someone else idea.
I also never experienced therapists as accepting or respectful.

[CartDown]

I really should explain that during our session before last, I was tipsy and more willing to admit a lot of things, including things like how I'm too afraid to express negative emotions sometimes because he may think of it as attention seeking behaviour because of my known feelings towards him. I think it bothered him and made him think I wasn't comfortable enough, so he doesn't want me to be someone else, he just wants me to be me. Flaws and all. I just don't know how to do that because I'm always on my toes and fear being rejected.

Originally Posted by CartDown

I really should explain that during our session before last, I was tipsy and more willing to admit a lot of things, including things like how I'm too afraid to express negative emotions sometimes because he may think of it as attention seeking behaviour because of my known feelings towards him. I think it bothered him and made him think I wasn't comfortable enough, so he doesn't want me to be someone else, he just wants me to be me. Flaws and all. I just don't know how to do that because I'm always on my toes and fear being rejected.

I feel what you're saying. Honestly, I've intentionally had a few drinks before some sessions just so I could feel more at ease in the room. It actually helped, because I spoke more candidly and got to observe her response. What i saw was acceptance, compassion, and non-judgement. This is made it easier to take risks a little at a time. I too struggle with knowing "how" to be myself. I'm begging to see that i overthink and sabotage myself by coming up with all this pre-planned dialogue, but don't have the guts to come out with it in the room. What I'm finding feels better is to try and let all that go, and go into the room with no agenda or script. It's starting to work.