Therapy is bs/wrong!

Look at the circumstances. It's an unnatural, pressurized situation and recipe for distress, anxiety, dysregulation:

- You have limited time, and a hard stop, so there is gun-to-the-head urgency.
- You are paying and don't want to waste time.
- You are expected to walk in and just switch on, it's not organic at all.
- There is someone staring at you and scrutinizing every move.
- If it goes badly, it will eat at you for a whole week.

Indifference in the face of distress is sadism.

Silence can be a demeaning power play.

Unanswered emails, also a demeaning power play.

In my opinion it is a horrible model for human relationships.

I really want to see my responsibility in this though... i want to understand why she could have thought it's appropriate to act this way. I just wish I could analyse it for what it was and not take it so personally. I can rationalise all i want but this hit me hard.

I absolutely despise those reality checks when I see i am in therapy alone, that the minute I decide to stop it stops, that it only works if i make it work, that she (or most therapist) would never reach out and when I want attention it feels so dirty and manipulative. Maybe i dont like feeling responsible for my life? I really don't want you play the victim or blame her

My idea is that she is a.) insensitive but b.) she could also want to force out the empowered you in you. You will only learn about her reactions if you do the "normal" thing, which is to ask her your questions face to face. And maybe she does not answer your emails because she's not getting paid for this.

How come you write her all these emails but cannot really face her with all that you have written? It's complicated for me to understand. What is your reason for not asking her at the beginning of a session "so, what do you say to my emails?", or something along that line. Would you describe yourself as very timid in all real life, person-to-person interactions? Or only when you're in love?

Because if you would describe yourself as timid, my next question is, is it one of your goals to overcome your timidity?

What are your goals?

(If any of the above sounds brash, provocative or challenging, it's not meant to. I am very much on your side, and really curious.)

Thanks, thats the thing...I am not timid or shy. I might not be assertive but i don't think there is a single person irl that would call me timid. My goals for therapy? This situation? Life?

Is there something you perceive as defective in you ?

Are you traumatized?

Or do you think you have some form of personality disorder, or are you diagnosed with one?

(Sorry if these questions are either intrusive or stupid. Again, I am just curious.)

Of course.. how about the inability to express my thoughts? Thats one of my 'defects'. It all makes sense in my head, slightly less sense when i put it on paper/or type it up and no sense when i want to talk about it.

Which, as I understand it, means to only talk when you can rely on people wanting to listen. And end before they lose that ability.

Are you generally loquacious, or more the quiet type?

Sorry, I must stop asking questions...

I really want to see my responsibility in this though... i want to understand why she could have thought it's appropriate to act this way. I just wish I could analyse it for what it was and not take it so personally. I can rationalise all i want but this hit me hard.
I absolutely despise those reality checks when I see i am in therapy alone, that the minute I decide to stop it stops, that it only works if i make it work, that she (or most therapist) would never reach out and when I want attention it feels so dirty and manipulative. Maybe i dont like feeling responsible for my life? I really don't want you play the victim or blame her

Can only speak for myself... I decided it was pointless drama. I was obsessing on a non-person, trying to decipher what everything meant. It meant nothing. The therapist's cares were elsewhere. What could be more degrading and pointless? As I said in some other comment, might as well have a relationship with a tree. The investment would be roughly the same.

I wasn't sure if It would be better to post a new thread but I think this is mainly connected with the conversations in here. All the answers really got me thinking because as a person who never discussed therapy in real life I thought my concerns are less common. I was very eager to address some of those issues in in session yesteday. A bit of a back story is that I email my therapist a lot and she never replies to anything I write but always reads my messages and most of the time we don't have very direct conversations about the emails but she is aware of what I wrote and it does get mentioned in a less direct way. Even though we talked about therapy, emails and our relationship in the past we didn't manage to discuss it recently. There has been an big increase in emails where I expressed how confusing the relationship is, how i don't know the boundries (also with emails) and how I really needs some kind or reassurance and how this validation of my thoughts by her feels so crucial and I don't understand why. This has been going on for about a month and a half and she never once brought it up. As soon as the session was over I would get angry at myself for not bringing it up again and more emails would follow. is it immature and cowardly? Yes, i think so, but this build up made it worse. I rehearsed it out loud before session, send multiple emails to say how its impossible to bring it up and how much I wish the conversation was iniciated by her but for some reason it was like an elephant in the room. Yesterday I hyped myself up so much to ask the question that I was actually realy uncomfortable from the first minutes. We did the weekly update of whats going on but I was growing more nervous and less focused on the conversation. At some point I said that I am not sure if I can do it today to which she replied by trying to schedule the next session straight away. We did that and then she asked if there is anything I want to talk about today. At that point the mental block was so bad I couldn't say anything. We set there for the next 20minutes me so uneasy and beating myself up but not being able to even say how uncomfortable it was making me, not being able to ask for help or explain what was going on. My therapist on the other hand was there impatient and completly indifferent. It felt so wrong and even cruel (although I know that its only me perseption of it). The imbalance between us was never more apparent. She wasn't there empathically waiting for me to compose myself. It was so apparent that I was alone in it with her attitude of: well its your time, you do what you want with it, I am getting paid anyway or me as a 3 year old child who has to ask for something with words to get it. There was no empathy or understanding just a firm: if you don't ask a question or say something I am not gonna be the one to reach out. not even the therapisty: "how does this make you feel?'
I am asking for a perspective of someone who can see what I did wrong and how her behaviour can be explained.