Therapy is bs/wrong!

I've been in therapy for nearly 5 years with two different therapist and after all this time I can't see any benefits. Surely talking through emotions was making me feel better short term but I look back and see this unhealthy dependency on ultimately a stranger that I developed.
My main problem is that therapy tries to mimic a genuine, empathic relationship but is none of it. Its unnatural for any interaction to be so one sided. In the course of 5 years I became so self-absorbed and focused on emotions labelling it as "self-awareness'. I feel hooked like on any other drug. Craving a warm, mutual interaction because thats how our brains are wired. When we get close to someone we dont want a 50minute time limit on it. If you have anyone listen to you and not show any signs of judgement it will create warm feelings towards that person.
Therapy feels like a trap because all i want from my therapist is validation and attention.
So many here are hyperfocused on every word the therapist says (I am too) but none of it is authentic. Its their job to understand when other people don't, it's their role to listen and be present with you but they are not 'in it' with you.
It makes me so sad and almost cheated to think how imbalanced the client-therapist interaction is. The power that the therapist holds over our emotions is crual. I turned into a needy person so desperate for validation.
Its a set up to create 'safe space'. We pay them so they don't react like everyone else with boredom, disinterest and judgment/advice.

I eventually came to all the same conclusions.

I found it to be an infantilizing, dysfunctional, degrading, disempowering, parasitic, exploitive, contrived, faux relationship. Or, in many cases, it was simply pointless.

The asymmetry, which is aggressively promoted as the magical ingredient that makes therapy so special and so necessary, is actually what made it so toxic.

And yes the structure promotes dependency and addiction and extremes of behavior and emotion, and most therapists will blame and pathologize the client for falling into this trap, and cite this as evidence that the client needs years of therapy. It's racketeering, though probably many therapists don't realize what they're doing.

I am trying not to be bitter about my experiences. I am also very fond of my first therapsit who is one of the most emotionally healthy, level-headed, smart people i ever got to know but her validation means everything to me. I think its because we share parts of ourselves with them hardly anyone (or in my case noone) knows and to have this exteme vulnerablity accepted means everything to me. The problem is no other relationship works like that, not even that of a parent and child. You are right that it promotes exteme behaviours and unrealistic expectations from just another human being even if one who has undergone training.
The assymetry is unhealthy. I appreciate the full focus but it comes with unreasonable expectations of our therapist. Who else is 100% committed in their jobs? And every word they say is scrutinised and affects us in an out of proportion way. Therapist know that so are skilfull with how they approach us.

I now see vulnerability in the context of the artificial asymmetrical therapy relationship as totally inappropriate. The therapist does not model openness or share in it. Quite the opposite... they are creepy and opaque voyeurs. And meanwhile there is implied pressure on the client to expose all. Quite frankly it was something like emotional rape.

I'm sorry your therapy experience has been painful and unhelpful. I haven't found my experience to be at all as you describe, but there are people who describe a similar take-away from their own therapy experience.

What has your experience been like Artley?

I get it. I like my therapist yet feel the same way. I don't have issues with dependency with humans or anything else, yet here I am almost unable to function some weeks because seven days feel impossibly long. Sometimes there's a crack in her facade and it's clear that it's all an emotional sham, purely business, and largely scripted. I remember I'm being used to build someone's career, used to make her feel like a success, used to fill a slot, and needy and empty enough to pay for the experience. The few things in my life that are better I don't even want to tell her about, probably out of some sick fear that it'll mean I'm well enough to not see her anymore.

I am sorry this has been your experience. It is not mine. Not to say that I don't spend a huge amount of time still focused on my therapy and my T. I do. What I mean to say, is that over the 3.5 yrs, there have been changes inside me. My focus on therapy and my T is less than it was, slightly less in time, significantly less in intensity.

As ArtleyWilkins stated, there are others that have felt what you have felt; you are not alone in your experience.

I think I see it as a both, yes it is a treatment (medical??) and because of that there are some actions a therapist does to facilitate that treatment the way they feel would be best. As a treatment, it has a business element - at minimum they are providing us a time slot to talk to someone that in best situations, you don't see any other time - they know only the you that you present to them. Same is true of us, we know only the them they present to us. I believe that how authentic it is will vary depending on the T and the relationship. There have been a few cracks in my image of my T; is that a crack in a facade that she is trying to maintain or a crack in the image I created of her in my mind? I tend to lean more on the crack in the image and possibly a stumble in her carrying out the job duties of a therapist. For example, if she displays a momentary response of anger about something; is that a crack in the facade or a stumble in the job duties I am paying for - that the time is to be about me and how whatever I'm dealing with impacts me and my life? (oh, I do believe in not owning these stumbles and making it be about the client is one of the biggest mistakes a therapist can make. For me, this exasperates the facade element of therapy and erodes all trust in the relationship.)

I believe that my T is genuine in wanting to keep my time to be about me. I believe she works hard at monitoring and managing her responses to what I say such that we are able to keep open whatever items I bring to session and provides what things she thinks will help improve my mental health and my life to the best of her ability. I know that not all T's are like that. So, there's that element as well in other people's experiences that impact that facade nature of therapy. It can very much feel like a facade, even for me. I think it takes faith, trust, and belief in a therapist in order to accept that an intervention is not a therapist being fake but a set of behaviors, a procedure, with a desired outcome of healing/helping. I guess, right now I'm seeing the concept of intervention/facade/performance element of therapy no different than taking an antibiotic for something only to find that whatever you have is fungal or resistant to that antibiotic. We go, we show up, with their help we do a procedure called therapy... the outcome? Well, did we have a skilled enough provider to match our symptoms to the right set of procedure steps? Lots of times, that's hard to know when changing one's neuropathways can be a slow process and so many outside factors are involved.

I believe her when she has acknowledged caring about me, loving me, and liking me. Mind you, when I am in a ruptured state with my T, I tend to have much less belief in our relationship, less trust in her authenticity, and see much more of this as black/white business.

I dont think most therapist dislike clients or say things that they really dont mean but they use techniques that create a false sense of emotional intimacy even if its well intensioned. This only exist when both parties are emotionally involved. When and where else are such personal and intense interaction limited to 50 minutes slots of a very specific time and date?

***** major disclaimer... I am talking of my experience and my needs in therapy. Different people go to therapy for different needs and will have significantly different interactions with their therapist, the frame, and relationship. *****

A false sense of emotional intimacy or a specific type of emotional intimacy?

You are right that a therapeutic relationship is not like other relationships. In fact, it is purposely not like other relationships. If it was just like every other relationship; how would it help one change, heal, or whatever word you want to use here. Also, if it was like other relationships in your life, why are you not getting whatever is bringing you to therapy through those relationships - why do you need therapy?

At least one of my goals through this relationship is to be able to better understand my needs so that I can start to find ways to get those needs met in my other relationships and from the appropriate people in my life based on the relationship I have with them. In order to better understand my needs; those needs need to be brought to the surface. I can't really work with them if I have them so walled off that I don't feel or see them. How else to get them to come forth than feeling safe enough due to the relationship having a type of emotional intimacy for them to be wanted/needed/desired/felt?

I totally agree with the part about it being hard because of the limited time and schedule. So much of what we deal with is outside the office ehrtr there are unrcpectrf triggers, etc.

For me the therapy office is a safe place where I can take all my masks off. Where I can control the topics znd not worry that the other person being hurt or not understanding what I am saying. I can be emotional without everybody else around me being uncomfortable and I can even disassociate without the other person totally freaking out. Problem is being able to get to the vulnerable in that limited time and putting the lid back on.

I know there have been times both my Ts experienced emotional reactions to what I have told but were able to show very limited signs and know how to deal with it on their own

Agree with you, especially when i think of my 2nd therapist but it feels like an addiction. Such power comes with the therapist being emotionally univolved and not disclosing more of natural humanly instict that are substituted with scripted empathy that it makes all sort of neediness surface!
I never wanted for anyone to validate my feelings or understand my logic more than the therapist because I know that irl there is a limit to how much people are willing to participate in such a one sided interaction and not have an honest emotional reaction to it.

I have had three long-term therapists over the years. All three were highly supportive and effective therapists and the therapy served me well. I never found myself particularly dependant on my therapists in an unhealthy way. I knew I could rely on them when needed, but they were professionally boundaried while at the same time very genuine and caring in their support of both me and my family.

Through effective therapy, I achieved my goal of not having to be in therapy anymore. I've reached a place of stability and contentment with my life, even in the hard times. I no longer struggle with depression and anxiety.

I have remained friendly with all three over the years . . . not bff's by any means, but we keep in touch and keep up with life events like children, grandchildren, vacations, etc. Their caring was never limited to just the therapy office and did not end when I ceased to be their client.

I have gone back and forth on this especially since Ts passing. I thought about therapy a things like I can't wait to tell T or what would T want me to do. I felt I was never on s rollercoaster before. With therapy it seemed like I would finally be at a good place for a week but then my next appointment happened and we mixed things up again.

What I have also realized is that while I was not on a rollercoaster ride before I was always completely depressed, couldnt deal with motherhood so ready to walk out the door. I was a mess all the time. Since joining therapy I was able to be the mom I wanted, I have more confidence and no longer avoid things out of fear. I have s much healthier, larger network of friends. I am also learning that is okay to be vulnerable and take care of me. I know I would not have accomplished a lot of what I have with therapy.

I still have much work to be done in order to no longer have the traumatic hold on me but for me it us worth it

Did you quit therapy or are you still lock in its grip?

No, i am still in therapy and still experience the range of emotions many describe in this forum. Most of the time i chose not to see the flaws I described

I too am sorrry you have had bad experiences. I had several before finding current T and this experience is very different.
The T I had before current T I knew from school where she had been a professor. There she was genuine, warm, caring... I never had a class with her and only a few occasions to talk/spend time with her but they were warm and delightful. I was SO excited when after being burned BAD by the last two T’s she agreed to take me on... then she was cold and distant, everything I tried to do in therapy was wrong and I was a bad client who just paid her for attention but didn’t want to heal...
It took me three years to find the courage (and to hit such a low) to find a T again. I scoured listings for days that turned into months... then I found current T’s web page. It both terrified me and gave me hope. It took another month to email him and had he not initiated the first call I never would have had the courage to go to the first session. He has been doing this for 30+ years so I kinda expected him to be burned out and methodical. Nothing of the sort. Yes, he is warm and kind and rarely judges. He was embarrassed last session by A potentially judge mental statement. He is genuinely empathetic. He always has an “agenda” when I show up but I usually run it off course and he goes wherever we go. Last week we played cards and for a moment he let his authentic (and slightly crude for him) competitive side out and was thankful that he was accepted as he is just as he accepts me as I am. But it was clear he wasn’t sure he would be accepted and he is genuine about that insecurity. We have worked together almost 6 months now. In that time I have gotten the courage to go back to my old Pdoc for help sleeping and just because she is awesome, truly connects and I missed her support. I have started advocating for myself more strongly in my marriage. I have been able to be more assertive in the need to get my son transitioned into a more structured setting for my safety. I have taken on a new hobby that is just for me when I had lost interest in all my other hobbies. I went out for an evening with a friend for the first time in 6 years. I am taking initiative to fix my situation or move on if things around me don’t change.

So... what is different about him? The connection is genuine and it was from session one, it wasn’t forced. Our overarching goal is for me to “be whole again”. Each session has time to discuss emotions from the previous week and a “mini-goal” or need to be met. He is not afraid to step out of the box or to invite me out of my comfort zone. He clearly explains his expectations both of me and of himself and encourages me to do the same. He has learned about several of the strong support people of my past (I don’t have any current ones yet) and brings them into session, surrounds me with them, reminds me of them and helps keep them ever present. This allows me to feel their support again as well as remember the traits I saw in them that attracted me to them so that I can find more people like them out here. There are always three “beings” in the room... me, him and what ever our goal is or what ever part of my story we are going to explore. He is emotionally beside me or slightly behind me supporting my interaction with the goal or the story he is never the answer or even tries to be.
Hope that helps.

My therapy hasn't been about validation, or similar to your experiences although I do agree therapists are not "in it" with clients. For me, I don't want that. The only validation my therapist has provided is he has encouraged me to take risks to get what I want, to focus on myself, and to understand myself and the sometimes baffling world around me. I don't really need validation because my therapy is focused on my internal world and there's nothing either good or bad about it, it's more an exploration of what I've been through, how it's affected me, and how I want to change. And then how I have changed, and what that means to me. Therapy for me is also self care because I work in a stressful and painful area of law.

I understand that your experience is different to what most of us share in this thread but to me it's because you go in therapy less focused on relationships and more on just recounting your story. i think you come from a much more balanced place than lot of us who don't know our worth or value. I think thats when therapist validation takes the central spot in therapy.
I think those who struggle with loneliness or low self esteem easily get caught in a trap of this strange arrangment. its almost like a quick fake fix because we dont have to concider any of the social norms of mutual interaction, the limitations of every persons attention spam and patience or their prejudice. All of the sudden the spotlight is on us and we can explore all those irrational, needy, self-induglent ideas and it creates dependency because what is normally not ok in real life suddenly become ok in the room. Even though I know this is a service I pay for, it makes me disatisfied that I can't recreat it in real life.

I'm with you with the criticism of that setting. It's true that this setting is necessary to enable the person to start talking and exploring those irrational and needy parts of themselves.

However, it shouldn't end with that! And perhaps this is where some/many therapists err. The process has to go beyond the validation because it's not the validation that heals but the better understanding of yourself, better agency, better ability to make choices for yourself and all this brings along better self-esteem, security and trust in the world, better relationships.

The work of the therapist is not to make the patient feel good - the work is to find a way to enable to person to feel safe enough in therapy sessions to explore different parts of themselves - a process that is typically very painful, and the validating stance is important here. But it's really not the end goal itself. It has to go beyond that for the therapy to be effective.