[Louella]

Over the last few months I have really been struggling with anxiety and depression.

I started therapy as a result of this and have so far had three sessions. Unfortunately the sessions are roughly every 2 weeks and honestly it’s getting harder and harder to be okay during the wait.

Things seem to be getting worse and not better, is that normal? I have never suffered with panic attacks but have had three now over the last two months and a horrible flashback thing too.

Possible trigger:

I have no idea what’s going on with me any more. I keep going through periods of being really depressed and suicidal. I often have passing negative thoughts but every five days to a week I have a day or two where things are bad.

Today is one of those days. I just feel so down but then also quite numb to it all, everything is stressing me out and I really don’t know why I’m still carrying on. I don’t want to, I don’t enjoy life, I don’t see things ever getting better and that’s hard.

At the last appointment I tried to talk about it and I don’t know what I was expecting but it didn’t help. Perhaps I was hoping he’d be able to stop me feeling like I do but I guess only I can do that but I don’t know how. He asked if I they should be worried, I said I sometimes worried as it’s hard to ignore the thoughts but that I wasn’t going to kill myself after the appointment. At the time I was okay but now I’m really struggling again.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have family because I could do it without feeling guilty. I really don’t know what to do anymore or how to snap myself out of it.

[SlumberKitty]

I don't know if it supposed to work that way, but it does often seem to be the case that things get worse before they get better. When you start stirring the pot in therapy, stuff comes up, and it can be really crap. And you have to look at that stuff, and deal with that stuff, and put that stuff in a better order. And the more the stir, and the more the therapist stirs with you, the more stuff comes up. Think of like a muddy lake. All the sediment is swirling around and making the lake all icky and yucky. But eventually the sediment settles down, in a new order and the lake gets clear again. Same thing with the pot. Eventually you end up with a nice soup! But the process can be daunting. It's okay to ask your T these questions. Like, hey, I've been feeling worse, not better, why could that be? Sometimes, you are going too fast, or not fast enough, or things are too triggery, and you aren't ready to stir the pot. Sometimes a person needs someone to sit with them first before stirring the pot. Sometimes a person just feels so dang bad that they can't even think of stirring the dang pot, or even being in the kitchen! Sometimes, in that case, it's not so much about therapy, but about making safety plans and keeping the person alive. Then when the person gets to feeling a bit more stable and together, and back to themselves, they can think about picking up the spoon and stirring the pot with the therapists help. Your therapist should be your ally, in my opinion. If you are feeling really bad in between the sessions and things are going from bad to worse, it's time to speak up to the therapist and let them know what is going on. Maybe print out what you wrote here, so you won't have to come up with the words in therapy. I hope things get to be going better for you soon. I hope that the lake gets clear and the soup gets a cooking. Keep writing here on PC if you want to. Sometimes hanging onto our PC friends can be lifesaving. HUGS Kit

[BudFox]

Sorry to hear that. I tried therapy depression and other issues. In every case it was useless or made things worse.

I think if you are in crisis and therapy increases your burden that is a massive failure.

The idea that feeling worse is sign of progress creates a dangerous trap, because you can't distinguish harm from help.

Hope you can find someone to talk to. Do you have access to other forms of healthcare?

[Louella]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I don't know if it supposed to work that way, but it does often seem to be the case that things get worse before they get better. When you start stirring the pot in therapy, stuff comes up, and it can be really crap. And you have to look at that stuff, and deal with that stuff, and put that stuff in a better order. And the more the stir, and the more the therapist stirs with you, the more stuff comes up. Think of like a muddy lake. All the sediment is swirling around and making the lake all icky and yucky. But eventually the sediment settles down, in a new order and the lake gets clear again. Same thing with the pot. Eventually you end up with a nice soup! But the process can be daunting. It's okay to ask your T these questions. Like, hey, I've been feeling worse, not better, why could that be? Sometimes, you are going too fast, or not fast enough, or things are too triggery, and you aren't ready to stir the pot. Sometimes a person needs someone to sit with them first before stirring the pot. Sometimes a person just feels so dang bad that they can't even think of stirring the dang pot, or even being in the kitchen! Sometimes, in that case, it's not so much about therapy, but about making safety plans and keeping the person alive. Then when the person gets to feeling a bit more stable and together, and back to themselves, they can think about picking up the spoon and stirring the pot with the therapists help. Your therapist should be your ally, in my opinion. If you are feeling really bad in between the sessions and things are going from bad to worse, it's time to speak up to the therapist and let them know what is going on. Maybe print out what you wrote here, so you won't have to come up with the words in therapy. I hope things get to be going better for you soon. I hope that the lake gets clear and the soup gets a cooking. Keep writing here on PC if you want to. Sometimes hanging onto our PC friends can be lifesaving. HUGS Kit

That analogy makes a lot of sense thanks for sharing.

I have been struggling with sharing in therapy and have twice refused to talk about the past trauma but I’m only three sessions in and I just don’t feel ready. I’m also terrified that things are bad right now and if I bring up the hard stuff things will get even worse.

I do like my therapist and feel like I’m trying to figure out if I can trust him with this stuff. I kind of feel like I should hurry but I don’t think I can push myself too much right now.

I will try to bring up how bad I’m feeling again because I think I have to but if I get the same response as last time I don’t know if that will make me feel like giving up therapy altogether. I also can’t say yes to extra help. I don’t know what that would mean and my anxiety means I don’t want to have to speak to anyone else. I don’t want to become a pain and seem over dramatic either. Like today I’m feeling okay after waking up so I feel like I was over dramatic with the post but then last night was awful I was so close to texting a crisis line (something I really don’t want to do) but I posted here instead which helped a bit.

I just don’t get why the feelings come so intensely then go away but come back again ugh. Hopefully my next appointment will be easier to talk about how I’m feeling but for now I’m feeling a little better again.

Originally Posted by BudFox

Sorry to hear that. I tried therapy depression and other issues. In every case it was useless or made things worse.

I think if you are in crisis and therapy increases your burden that is a massive failure.

The idea that feeling worse is sign of progress creates a dangerous trap, because you can't distinguish harm from help.

Hope you can find someone to talk to. Do you have access to other forms of healthcare?

Thanks for replying BudFox.

That’s my worry that I’m only making things worse as since I started I have been struggling more and thinking about the past more which is really hard.

When I talked about how hard things were last appointment I felt like he didn’t really understand how bad things were or maybe I didn’t express myself well enough but I told him in what I thought were blunt terms yet he didn’t ask for more details etc.

I could speak to my gp but he would probably be less help as he’s not a mental health professional. I will try again with my therapist and if I don’t get anywhere or it doesn’t help I will have to consider stopping I guess. The feelings do eventually pass but in the moment it’s so so hard to ignore them and not do anything. [TRIGGER]I do s/h sometimes which helps a little with the s/i but I know that’s not great too and I haven’t been able to mention the s/h to the therapist yet. I tried last time but just clammed up. [\TRIGGER]

Sorry, no clue why the trigger thing isn’t working.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Supposed to? Who knows?

My experience is that when I entered therapy, I had invested a huge amount of energy on suppressing what was going on with me. It had left me rather numbed out and depressed which was my default status for day-to-day survival, which was really no way to live. I knew I couldn't keep living that way. I was cut off and pretty miserable. I went into therapy this last time knowing it was going to be hard, but determined to walk through the fire to finally get past my crap.

When I entered therapy, looking at why I was numbed out and depressed broke down that armour I had put up as a protection, a bit at a time. And when my armour started breaking down, I started to feel again.

Feelings can be painful.

I started to confront my history and my demons. As a person with PTSD, that activated my PTSD symptoms.

PTSD symptoms can be painful. History can be painful.

So, yes, I felt worse as I started truly confronted my problems because I was feeling and thinking about things that I had suppressed for a long time. It wasn't the therapy that was causing my pain though; it was the pain of my emotions and my history.

But it didn't always hurt. As I started working on these things, I learned how to deal with real emotions and how to handle my symptoms in a healthy way rather than suppression. It took time. But I did reach a place where I achieved what I entered therapy to do; I made it to a place where I can be content and handle my life, whatever the stressor going on, in healthy, productive way.

[stopdog]

Therapy made my life worse. I regret trying it.

[SlumberKitty]

I don't think you should hurry and push yourself. It took me months to open up with former T and I've been with current T since August and I still haven't really opened up. We are trust building right now. I have to know that someone is on my side, on my team before I can trust them with the darkest, deepest parts of me. It sounds like you are pushing yourself to go too fast and that can definitely make things worse in my opinion. I still suggest talking to your T, write it out before hand if that is helpful, about feeling worse, not better. They are usually skilled in helping people get to a safe place emotionally before delving into the deep things. And if you have a T that's just pushing, pushing, pushing, that might not be the right T for you. I had a T for four sessions (then I quit) who said, just rip off the bandaid. Um, no. That didn't work for me. So I changed therapists to find one that is willing to work with me on my schedule of feeling safe and okay. I wish you well. HUGS Kit

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Louella

When I talked about how hard things were last appointment I felt like he didn’t really understand how bad things were or maybe I didn’t express myself well enough but I told him in what I thought were blunt terms yet he didn’t ask for more details etc.

I found that telling my problems to a series of indifferent strangers who sat and looked at me was pointless. It's common to blame the client for not finding this helpful.