[goatee]

I’ve been trying some parts work with my therapist. I had a child part tell my therapist how much she is hurting. In response, my therapist asked the adult me to comfort my child part. I felt very hurt and rejected. It made me feel like I’m all by myself, just like when I was young and the abuse was happening. I’m just wondering if anybody else has had this experience and if so, how your therapist responded. I suspect that if I tell my therapist that it hurts unbearably to be told to comfort myself, that my therapist might back away. I’ve kind of gone through this a little bit with her before. Enough so that I’m scared to tell her. And yet it feels like sort of a big thing that I need her to understand. I’m scared that she won’t want to do parts work if she realizes that I don’t want to have the adult part comfort the child part. Just wondering if anyone else feels this way.

[Elio]

Yes, I've experienced not wanting the adult part comfort the child part but wanting my T to comfort. What I realized was that this was just another part of the child or an interjects way of acknowledging that we didn't trust the adult part, a judgmental part being disgusted by the child's needs; and to some degree the adult part(s) saying that they don't know how to comfort a child. There was more. We don't do strict parts work so I think it might have been easier for me to acknowledge with my T that my Adult and Child parts don't talk to each other that they are not connected to each other and don't know yet how to work together.

I think for me, a big helpful element has been our play, this allows me (the adult part) to see how she interacts with the child part inside me, how she provides attention and support to that part, and so on.

At that time, my grandson was only 6 so I had a good chance to comfort an actual child as well. I was able to pay attention to how I felt as the adult comforting a child and tried to work within my system to see how to bring that forward in my inner dialog and imagery. I still have a long way to go, I do feel like those parts now see each other and something, hard to put words to it.

[goatee]

I wrote an email to her, but I’m scared to send it:

When I confess that she’s hurting and you say that you want the adult me to comfort her, it just feels like I’m all by myself. Like I always was. Like I’m reaching out to you for comfort and you’re rejecting her.

I’m not against the adult part of me comforting her. And yet... when you jump right to that, instead of you being part of it too first... it hurts very badly. Can the child part says she’s hurting without you telling the adult me to comfort her? Can she say she’s hurting and it’s you who comforts her? What would happen then is instead of being pushed away, I would be able to remember the moment and carry it with me inside and take it out and hold onto it when I most need to. Like a tiny little pearl of comfort inside of me that’s a gift that I take out when I need it most.

[susannahsays]

She might understand that you don't want to have to do the comforting yourself, but that doesn't mean she will take on the role of comforter herself. My understanding is doing parts work means that you will need to be willing to learn how to soothe younger parts.

It sounds like you are in a bit of a dilemma. You want to do parts work because it allows you to share the vulnerability and needs of child parts, yet you don't want to assume the responsibility that comes with the adult parts. That's a really difficult situation to be in, and I'm not sure what advice to give. But I'm sorry you're feeling so fearful and that being told to comfort a child part is so painful for you.

[elisewin]

I understand the hurt. And I understand what your T does as well. What she is probably trying is for your to realize the child part is not alone like she used to be once. She has you now, and you won't leave her alone. Your T is not a sole comforter, but a partner and guide in this.

[Omers]

I worked with a T that did that and it didn’t work for me. Current T works in a middle ground. He seems to get that if I didn’t get a need met as a child I may not understand how to meet that need in a child as an adult. It is still far from perfect but it helps.

[MoxieDoxie]

Same thing. I have done parts work in IFS with past T and ego state with current T. Same deal they want the adult me to comfort and take care of the wounded hurt child me. No sorry that does not work. Just like OP I want T to do it as doing it myself just makes me feel alone like I always am.

Why do T's think that crap works? Everyone just hug their inner child and all will be well.

Go ahead everyone when you have a coworker or a friend crying tell them to hug that sad, wounded part of them.

Originally Posted by goatee

I’ve been trying some parts work with my therapist. I had a child part tell my therapist how much she is hurting. In response, my therapist asked the adult me to comfort my child part. I felt very hurt and rejected. It made me feel like I’m all by myself, just like when I was young and the abuse was happening. I’m just wondering if anybody else has had this experience and if so, how your therapist responded. I suspect that if I tell my therapist that it hurts unbearably to be told to comfort myself, that my therapist might back away. I’ve kind of gone through this a little bit with her before. Enough so that I’m scared to tell her. And yet it feels like sort of a big thing that I need her to understand. I’m scared that she won’t want to do parts work if she realizes that I don’t want to have the adult part comfort the child part. Just wondering if anyone else feels this way.

My T did the same with me, and suggested the adult me try to comfort the child me, I had the same reaction as you.

[elisewin]

One of the goals in therapy is that one day you are able to do it, to soothe and comfort all parts. There is nothing wrong with getting comfort from others, but the only person you can guarantee will always be there for you is you. That's why it is important, but not something that is easy right away.

I agree that the goal would be to self-soothe, but has anyone ever responded well to this kind of crap? I've also read posts where the T told the client to hug herself.

My T doesn't comfort me, but over time, I found talking with him and his containment soothing or comforting at times.

I can be really fidgety in my chair, especially when in child states of mind. One time when I was really vulnerable with some difficult stuff, I had wrapped my arms around myself and was rocking back and forth. I didn't notice, but the T did and said it seemed like I was trying to hug myself. He said it in a caring manner and that he connected with me, attuned to my internal state, was soothing in itself.

[elisewin]

Originally Posted by octoberful

I agree that the goal would be to self-soothe, but has anyone ever responded well to this kind of crap? I've also read posts where the T told the client to hug herself.

I have, eventually, so I don't consider it crap but something that has helped enourmously. But I do remember the states of irritation and sadness OP describes. And also like I said, I don't think there is nothing wrong or bad people comforting each other and it can have huge value, but being an adult taking care of the child parts herself gives such peace because it is not dependant on other people. The suggestion to hug herself sounds a bit dumb if one is in need of a hug. But self-soothing touch is not crap either imo.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by goatee

I wrote an email to her, but I’m scared to send it:

When I confess that she’s hurting and you say that you want the adult me to comfort her, it just feels like I’m all by myself. Like I always was. Like I’m reaching out to you for comfort and you’re rejecting her.

I’m not against the adult part of me comforting her. And yet... when you jump right to that, instead of you being part of it too first... it hurts very badly. Can the child part says she’s hurting without you telling the adult me to comfort her? Can she say she’s hurting and it’s you who comforts her? What would happen then is instead of being pushed away, I would be able to remember the moment and carry it with me inside and take it out and hold onto it when I most need to. Like a tiny little pearl of comfort inside of me that’s a gift that I take out when I need it most.

I have never done parts work, so I don’t really know how it’s supposed to to work, but I think you should certainly be able to talk about it with your T and ask questions. I think your email is really well written and the conversation stemming from that could be useful to you.

I had / still have the same reaction towards "get Adult You to comfort Younger You", feeling all alone because I did have to comfort myself when I was younger...

My T and I do schema therapy and at first she would do all the comforting, so as to teach me. Then as my Adult part grew stronger, we would comfort my Young part together.

In schema therapy, the goal is for my Adult part to care for my Young part alone but I always found that extremely painful. So currently T still comforts my Young part but she will always insist on my Adult part doing most of the comforting. I also pull in allies like my partner who explicitly have stated they feel OK with this.

[goatee]

Thank you so much, everyone, for your responses. They all mean so much to me. I’m still trying to get up the guts to email my T. To further complicate the issue, two things: the first is that my T IS (very thankfully) willing to comfort me. In fact, she had comforted me earlier during this session, which is why the child part even felt safe wanting to connect with my T. So I don’t want to write T about this and have her think I’m not aware that she does comfort me. I also don’t want to make a huge issue out of it and possibly have her stop comforting me. Secondly, my T and I are just coming off a rough patch finally, and I just really don’t want to rock the boat or seem upset or stir things up again.

So, I’m thinking I shouldn’t write her and tell her. And yet, being told this is so incredibly painful that I don’t think I can just leave it. This did come up once in the past with us, and I actually told T how painful it was. In response, T kind of backed away from me for awhile, and it was terrible. She eventually admitted that I was right, that she had backed away, and we worked through it. But it was very painful for me at the time.

So, this just feels like a very loaded issue to bring up. And yet, it is SO painful when she says it to me...

[stopdog]

How to Reframe a Client's Relationship with an Inner Critic - NICABM

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by goatee

Thank you so much, everyone, for your responses. They all mean so much to me. I’m still trying to get up the guts to email my T. To further complicate the issue, two things: the first is that my T IS (very thankfully) willing to comfort me. In fact, she had comforted me earlier during this session, which is why the child part even felt safe wanting to connect with my T. So I don’t want to write T about this and have her think I’m not aware that she does comfort me. I also don’t want to make a huge issue out of it and possibly have her stop comforting me. Secondly, my T and I are just coming off a rough patch finally, and I just really don’t want to rock the boat or seem upset or stir things up again.

So, I’m thinking I shouldn’t write her and tell her. And yet, being told this is so incredibly painful that I don’t think I can just leave it. This did come up once in the past with us, and I actually told T how painful it was. In response, T kind of backed away from me for awhile, and it was terrible. She eventually admitted that I was right, that she had backed away, and we worked through it. But it was very painful for me at the time.

So, this just feels like a very loaded issue to bring up. And yet, it is SO painful when she says it to me...

I don't do any formal "parts work" or anything like that with my T, but I also have much the same reaction to being told to comfort myself. I tell him it feels like being told I have to do it because no one else will, that I'm not worthy of getting that from others. It feels like abandonment.

I completely understand what you wrote in your email and I'm hesitant to give advice or suggest you do things differently, so I'm throwing this out there as something to consider but I don't know your relationship with your T so you'd be the better judge here.

Instead of saying "this is how it makes me feel and I want/need you to do this instead," would it be possible to frame it as "this is how it makes me feel, could we discuss what could be done differently so that I don't feel this way?"

That way she might feel more like you're enlisting her help as a collaborator in solving this problem and be invested in working with you to solve it, as opposed to just feeling like she's been told she handled something wrong and feeling defensive.
She might also be more open to taking on a bit of the comforting if she's part of a discussion process that comes to the conclusion that that would be beneficial, rather than being asked upfront.

[Lemoncake]

R never made the comfort the Inner child comment, but I did tell him previously that I wanted to kill the child part of me. Just loads of self hate there. There’s a few meditations on YouTube, and listening to them did help, as did learning general self soothing techniques.

My ex-therapist took on the role of “Comforter Extraordinaire” and my therapy went all kinds of dysfunctional. I grew up needing to develop very early self-comforting skills and was pretty good at it. Enter comforting therapist and I was happy to give those skills away for hire.

I might have done well with a therapist who pushed me to use what I had.

[goatee]

Stopdog - thank you so much for the link. I found it very interesting. It somehow made the idea of comforting myself a tiny less bit awful. Just a bit, but still a crack for me to let the light in about it.

[goatee]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

I don't do any formal "parts work" or anything like that with my T, but I also have much the same reaction to being told to comfort myself. I tell him it feels like being told I have to do it because no one else will, that I'm not worthy of getting that from others. It feels like abandonment.

I completely understand what you wrote in your email and I'm hesitant to give advice or suggest you do things differently, so I'm throwing this out there as something to consider but I don't know your relationship with your T so you'd be the better judge here.

Instead of saying "this is how it makes me feel and I want/need you to do this instead," would it be possible to frame it as "this is how it makes me feel, could we discuss what could be done differently so that I don't feel this way?"

That way she might feel more like you're enlisting her help as a collaborator in solving this problem and be invested in working with you to solve it, as opposed to just feeling like she's been told she handled something wrong and feeling defensive.
She might also be more open to taking on a bit of the comforting if she's part of a discussion process that comes to the conclusion that that would be beneficial, rather than being asked upfront.

Labrat, I really appreciate the advice. I think this is a really terrific idea and am going to try to rewrite my email this way. My T is definitely sensitive about feeling like she’s being directed. It’s hard for me because I never ask anyone for anything in my real life, so when I finally get up the guts to and then she feels directed, I’m mortified. I think what you said may help me avoid that this time.

[Amyjay]

Part of doing parts work is learning to unblend from the different parts of self and learning to observe them through the lens of a compassionate other. (hmm, maybe that is more family systems therapy, but it would work here). In your posts here it sounds like you are blended with that child part. It feels impossible to comfort that hurting child because your ARE that hurting child.
It is easier (and powerful) to give comfort to a hurting self-part when you are separated from that part and viewing them compassionately as an "other". Is it possible to ask your T about helping you learn to do this?
When you are grounded as a compassionate adult looking at the child who is so hurt and full of pain, it becomes very easy to love, comfort and support them. The key is in being separate from them. no, its not like MPD or DID, its just learning to view that child through the lens of a caring adult. You can't do that when you are blended (overwhelmed) with the child-feelings. When separate from them you become like a mother-bear - fiercely protective of that hurting child who never had anyone to comfort her before. You don't let anyone hurt them and you comfort and care for them (self) when they are hurt or sick. It is an entirely different feeling to needing an outer person to care for you. And it truly is possible.

[Amyjay]

Hmm, I want to add that you absolutely don't have to have experienced it yourself or need to "learn" how to do it by having someone give comfort to you first. Compassion is an innate aspect of humanity (bar sociopathology, of course). Even very young children can and do experience and express compassion for others. It doesn't need to be taught or learned. What does need to be taught or learned is turning that compassion for others around and directing it towards the self. And that doesn't require an external other giving it to your wounded child self first. It just requires separating and accessing that compassionate part of self then turning around to look at the internal wounded child. The compassionate self within you will instinctively know what to do next.
This is the desired goal because YOU are the only one who can consistently be there for you. T is only there 1 hour a week. The rest of the time your wounded child is stuck with you. Learning to be the ever-present loving adult that your wounded child needs has the power to completely transform your life.

Originally Posted by QuietMind

I had / still have the same reaction towards "get Adult You to comfort Younger You", feeling all alone because I did have to comfort myself when I was younger...

My T and I do schema therapy and at first she would do all the comforting, so as to teach me. Then as my Adult part grew stronger, we would comfort my Young part together.

In schema therapy, the goal is for my Adult part to care for my Young part alone but I always found that extremely painful. So currently T still comforts my Young part but she will always insist on my Adult part doing most of the comforting. I also pull in allies like my partner who explicitly have stated they feel OK with this.

Just to clarify, after reading Amjay's points about unblending.

Initially I couldn't/wouldn't comfort myself because I hated my Young part. I hated them and would physically hurt myself because I felt so much hate. I was so "blended" into a Punitive Caregiver part.

As I worked to heal my self hate, I then alternated between blending into my Young part (am the hurting child so unable to confort myself) and into my Adult part (seeing the pain but not sure what I needed to do).

Alongside T teaching me, I also read a lot of foster to adopt parent blogs to see how they comforted traumatised children.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Just to clarify, after reading Amjay's points about unblending.

Initially I couldn't/wouldn't comfort myself because I hated my Young part. I hated them and would physically hurt myself because I felt so much hate. I was so "blended" into a Punitive Caregiver part.

As I worked to heal my self hate, I then alternated between blending into my Young part (am the hurting child so unable to confort myself) and into my Adult part (seeing the pain but not sure what I needed to do).

Alongside T teaching me, I also read a lot of foster to adopt parent blogs to see how they comforted traumatised children.

I wonder too if this might be easier for us to do because we have DID. Our parts are quite separate, so it is very easy for our compassionate one/s to feel pure compassion for the younger hurt ones.

[precaryous]

Haven't done any parts work...but this is how I learn how to comfort myself;

If I need help comforting myself, I prefer T to comfort me at first. Over time, I figure out what was helpful and what was not ...and I copy T’s helpful efforts.