[JustExisting]

My T's young son just died from cancer. I am heartbroken for him and his whole family. During their battle they kept a facebook page to keep interested people up to date on his condition and he invited me to look as much as I wished.

Now that he has died my T is on a sudden leave of absence without warning. I am very attached to him so I am already losing my mind because of the sudden loss of his presence in my life for an uncertain amount of time.

But I also simply adored his son. I have a son the same age so we really connected by talking about our kids. I was just heartbroken... still am... about his death, separate from the attachment issues.

On the facebook group they have invited all who care to attend to his funeral. I really want to go, but I am not sure if it is appropriate. They said specifically that everyone is invited who loved their son and dont second guess whether or not you "belong" there.

I just dont know if this applies to clients. I want to respect his boundaries but I really want to go. I want to send them a message to ask if it is really ok if I go but im terrified that they will say no and then ill just feel pathetic and rejected. I am also a little terrified that theyll say yes and then ill go and feel like I really dont belong there.

Are there rules about this? I know there cannot be duel relationships and all that, but is this something unheard of? attending the funeral of your therapist's son?

I think I just want to get an idea if its totally stupid to even ask!

[Elio]

Does your T belong to a clinic or private practice, were you referred to anyone during his leave? If yes, you might ask them.

Based on the comment of saying not to second guess, I would think that you could go.

[JustExisting]

Originally Posted by Elio

Does your T belong to a clinic or private practice, were you referred to anyone during his leave? If yes, you might ask them.

Based on the comment of saying not to second guess, I would think that you could go.

It is sort of like a clinic of private practitioners. Its a "center". I do believe he is private. I was not referred but they offered to set me up. I took them up on it and they called me today to make an appointment but nothing worked for me so I am on a waiting list.

[Omers]

I would say if they invited you to follow the FB page and said not to second guess then it would be OK to go. My T’s kids are only a couple years younger than me but my Pdoc has kids my sons age. We bonded a lot over parenting. So if my Pdoc 1. Told me that her child had cancer, 2. Let me know about the FB page and then posted an open invitation I would feel like I would be welcomed at the funeral or service.
It also reminds me of a message from my beloved college Chaplin when he left after like 25 years at the school to do parish ministry... he put out in his statement about leaving that “I love all of you, yes, all of you”. It has been 20 years since I graduated and 9 since I saw him last. His mom passed away a couple of weeks ago and I sent condolences... he was very touched that I would care enough to know and to reach out and we had a good conversation. He meant it, he loves me. I know this is different but it feels parallel to me.

[feralkittymom]

I don't think you become less human simply because you are a client. Your feelings are heart felt. Their communication, shown by the FB page and its accessibility to you is heart felt. Go if you want to be there as a way of supporting them. If you'd rather send your support via a letter of condolence, do that. Or both, especially if you may feel uncomfortable speaking to them at the funeral.

[nottrustin]

When it comes to death, I don't think there really are any rules. If it were me, I would email T and offer condolences and then ask about attending. I would rather my T say no in an email and deal with it rather than show up and feel unwelcome.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

Hello JustExisting,

so sorry you are struggling with your therapist's sudden absence. That sounds really hard. I do not think it was appropriate for your therapist to create a friendship with you on Facebook. Although therapists can certainly be friendly, they should not be trying to act as a friend toward a client. Similarly, I don't think it would be appropriate for you to attend the funeral. His judgment may be clouded by his trauma and grief and that is something to think about as you move forward in therapy. Professional boundaries are really important in therapy. It sounds like your therapist may have lost sight of that along the way. DocJohn has posted before about the alarming number of therapists who cross lines with their clients....seems to be quite a common problem.

When you said you adored your therapist's son, have you been socializing with your therapist and his family? Or did I misunderstand you?

What I think would be perfectly appropriate is if you get a bereavement card for your therapist and either pass it along via the clinic or directly to him the next time you see him in session. That would be a nice way of showing that you care while also maintaining healthy boundaries.

I wish you peace and hope as you navigate this difficult transition.

[feralkittymom]

Her T didn't friend her on FB. He created a separate group page (which may very well be public as many do it this way) to communicate solely about their son's cancer battle. He invited her to see that group page. Unless he were trying to be completely blank slate in the sort of therapy he practices, he didn't cross any ethical boundaries. The OP doesn't even refer to any direct communication between them on this FB page.

I do think it would be appropriate and valuable to discuss the feelings surrounding this experience when he returns from his extended leave. Presumably, he will not return to practice until he can be reasonably sure that his mind is not clouded by his grief.

[JustExisting]

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

Hello JustExisting,

so sorry you are struggling with your therapist's sudden absence. That sounds really hard. I do not think it was appropriate for your therapist to create a friendship with you on Facebook. Although therapists can certainly be friendly, they should not be trying to act as a friend toward a client. Similarly, I don't think it would be appropriate for you to attend the funeral. His judgment may be clouded by his trauma and grief and that is something to think about as you move forward in therapy. Professional boundaries are really important in therapy. It sounds like your therapist may have lost sight of that along the way. DocJohn has posted before about the alarming number of therapists who cross lines with their clients....seems to be quite a common problem.

When you said you adored your therapist's son, have you been socializing with your therapist and his family? Or did I misunderstand you?

What I think would be perfectly appropriate is if you get a bereavement card for your therapist and either pass it along via the clinic or directly to him the next time you see him in session. That would be a nice way of showing that you care while also maintaining healthy boundaries.

I wish you peace and hope as you navigate this difficult transition.

We are not friends on FB. I was just following the group page made to follow his progress in his treatment and they also shared countless videos and stories about him. Since parenting struggles is one of the many issues I was seeking therapy for, we spoke about our kids a lot. We have never socialized outside of the office.

[JustExisting]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Her T didn't friend her on FB. He created a separate group page (which may very well be public as many do it this way) to communicate solely about their son's cancer battle. He invited her to see that group page. Unless he were trying to be completely blank slate in the sort of therapy he practices, he didn't cross any ethical boundaries. The OP doesn't even refer to any direct communication between them on this FB page.

I do think it would be appropriate and valuable to discuss the feelings surrounding this experience when he returns from his extended leave. Presumably, he will not return to practice until he can be reasonably sure that his mind is not clouded by his grief.

Definitely not a blank slate. He practices humanistic-existential or person based therapy. It is all about the relationship, and we have a strong one. We had a strong, natural rapport from the start. Some people just click.

I'll add that there are no romantic feelings involved here. We are both happily married. My marriage is just about the only good relationship I have and it is truly wonderful. I love my T though. He is a wonderful person, and his son was a wonderful little person.

[piggy momma]

I would go just long enough to make a very subtle appearance indicating you care. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

I once asked my current T if a T I was working with died (cause I always pick old men!) if I should go to the funeral. He said absolutely.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by piggy momma

I would go just long enough to make a very subtle appearance indicating you care. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

I once asked my current T if a T I was working with died (cause I always pick old men!) if I should go to the funeral. He said absolutely.

Since I had to navigate this to exactly one year ago my advice us to ask the family. In Ts case her partner and I had contact through email when she had the accident so I asked. He told me I was definitely invited as were all her clients.

Being that we live in a small area I had met him but he thought I was a friend. He put 2 and 2 together when he contacted her clients. I asked Emdr if it were appropriate to attend she recommended contacting the family.

[LonesomeTonight]

My ex-marriage counselor's wife passed away (fairly young) while we were seeing him--I'd known she was sick (it's complicated how I found out, but he confirmed it, and we discussed how I felt about it a few times). However, he did not let us know when she died. I'd gotten the sense that something bad had happened when he canceled last minute and from something he'd said not long before that. So I googled her and found her obituary. In that case, I wouldn't have gone to the funeral (I think it was a few days after that I found obit anyway) because ex-MC had been fairly private about what was going on with her and actually said he wasn't planning to tell us she'd died, even if we'd asked (which really bothered me--I was pretty attached to him, and he was generally open about other parts of his life).

However, in your circumstance, your T had talked about his son and shared the Facebook update page. Then the page said anyone is welcome. So I think it's fine for you to attend--but I'd stay toward the back and not stay too long. And not expect much (or even any) contact from your T--I imagine there will be quite a crowd at the funeral.

[nottrustin]

So I think it's fine for you to attend--but I'd stay toward the back and not stay too long. And not expect much (or even any) contact from your T--I imagine there will be quite a crowd at the funeral.---

This I agree with. I was prepared to feel really awkward since I "knew" a lot of people there but nobody but her significant other knee me or my family. My husband and daughter also knew T a bit (small town living). It was a memorial service at a restaurant instead of a funeral. I did talk to her partner a couple of times and her son and daughter in law (they talked to everbody at some point), and a therapist who introduced himself and asked how I knew her....the rest of the time I just was there with my family.

[Taylor27]

I don't think there are any rules agiants going. My first counsellor lost her husband and I attended his funneral, she was very happy I attended. I knew him from going to church so almost everyone from the church went to the funneral.

Originally Posted by JustExisting

On the facebook group they have invited all who care to attend to his funeral. I really want to go, but I am not sure if it is appropriate. They said specifically that everyone is invited who loved their son and dont second guess whether or not you "belong" there.

I just dont know if this applies to clients. I want to respect his boundaries but I really want to go.

I'm sorry your T lost his child-what a tragedy.

I would not ask and just go.

His boundary was actually on the facebook group--that everyone who cared is invited. I'd have a hard time, too, on deciding whether to go, but given the facebook group message said all is invited, I wouldn't worry. I'd even suspect he posted that message on the group, at least in part, so clients would feel ok about coming.

Also-I do not see anything unethical or unprofessional about this.

[Eliza Jane]

Although I don’t think your T would be angry at you for going, I think I would send a card instead. My T is my rock. I don’t think it would be good for me and my mental health to see him at his worst. I also think, that while he might allow it, he wouldn’t really like to have his patients see him as a blubbering mess. Just trying to put myself in his shoes, I would feel super embarrassed to have people that I want to have see me as a professional see me in that state.

Good luck with your decision. So sorry for your T and that this makes him temporarily unavailable.

[Omers]

My T’s style is the same as your T. He is very open to me as appropriate and was in a similar situation but it was before I worked with him. I can’t see him doing the FB page thing BUT if he did and posted the message that your T did I would absolutely consider going even though I don’t generally do funerals. You are correct in that his style is very relationship based, it is totally different from any other kind of therapist I have ever worked with. My T’s ability to be vulnerable with me is just as much a part of the therapy process as my ability to be vulnerable with him. So, given the FB message I would go. Being who I am I would hang to the back but if he acknowledged me I would absolutely go up to offer my condolences and a hug. But, I also know myself well enough to know that it would not negatively impact our therapeutic relationship to see him hurting. I don’t have the need to always see him as strong and together, seeing his humanness would, for me, strengthen the bond.

[JustExisting]

Originally Posted by Omers

My T’s style is the same as your T. He is very open to me as appropriate and was in a similar situation but it was before I worked with him. I can’t see him doing the FB page thing BUT if he did and posted the message that your T did I would absolutely consider going even though I don’t generally do funerals. You are correct in that his style is very relationship based, it is totally different from any other kind of therapist I have ever worked with. My T’s ability to be vulnerable with me is just as much a part of the therapy process as my ability to be vulnerable with him. So, given the FB message I would go. Being who I am I would hang to the back but if he acknowledged me I would absolutely go up to offer my condolences and a hug. But, I also know myself well enough to know that it would not negatively impact our therapeutic relationship to see him hurting. I don’t have the need to always see him as strong and together, seeing his humanness would, for me, strengthen the bond.

Yes. He is very similar to your T. His son's diagnosis came after only about 4 sessions together and he was always very open about his feelings and indeed, HIS vulnerability has been an example for me, because I absolutely could not be vulnerable with ANYONE before I started therapy. I was almost totally numb to my emotions because I has buried them my whole life. In a perverse way his ordeal has made my therapy with him far more effective. I have had other therapists before but never have I felt such a connection, and felt so (I want to say free, but maaaan do I have issues!) willing to share my deepest darkest secrets and feelings.


He told me that he feels his purpose in this universe is to help people be their most authentic selves. He strives to be an example of authenticity, so I dont think that he would be uncomfortable with me seeing him mourning his son.


I think I am going to shoot them a message and just ask if they are comfortable with me attending and assure them that I understand if not. I have serious issues with rejection and self worth. I always feel like I am unwanted, so this is terrifying, but I feel like I will regret it forever if I don't at least ask. It is really hard to care so deeply about someone and have to stand on the sidelines while they suffer the worst pain imaginable.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by Eliza Jane

Although I don’t think your T would be angry at you for going, I think I would send a card instead. My T is my rock. I don’t think it would be good for me and my mental health to see him at his worst. I also think, that while he might allow it, he wouldn’t really like to have his patients see him as a blubbering mess. Just trying to put myself in his shoes, I would feel super embarrassed to have people that I want to have see me as a professional see me in that state.

Good luck with your decision. So sorry for your T and that this makes him temporarily unavailable.

As selfish as it might sound, I agree that it might be a good idea to look at it from the perspective of my therapy - how would it affect me to see this person that I count on to be my rock and source of support, in the place of needing support given where I am in my therapy? I have a significant level of maternal transference within my therapy. Traditionally, I am the caregiver in my relationships and often feel a burden to those around me. How would seeing my T in this context affect our dynamic and my ability to be/do/talk about whatever it is that comes up for me? Would it be more helpful to see how she handles adversity and pain or more helpful for me to keep the image I have of her even when I know that image is an incomplete view of the full person?

I don't know your situation so not advocating one or the other here - food for thought.

[Xynesthesia2]

I am sorry all this happened. I don't think there are rules about it either. The way I thought about it when I first read your post was that I probably would not like my clients, work colleagues (that are not friends) etc to show up at my loved one's funeral when they only knew me and not the person who died or anyone else in the family. It would make me feel uncomfortable. But I would never put something like that on social media or anywhere on the public web either (especially about a child or someone who did not choose to be exposed that way themselves). I imagine people who engage in that kind of publicity and discuss it would probably have no issues with your attending the funeral.

[MoxieDoxie]

I have not had a chance to read everyones post but I am sorry and can imagine how you feel for yourself and for the pain you feel for the pain your T feels.