Frustrated and angry

For the past couple of weeks EMDR T and I discussed how hard the anniversary of Ts death was (yesterday was 1 year). I did okay all weekend during the day because I was busy with my family. There were lots of emotions but it was okay. The the evenings hit and I was home, I struggled quite a bit. I avoided contacting EMDR T though because it was the weekend at one point there were thoughts of self harm but even that I managed to avoid contacting her.

Today has been really rough and I have been trying to hold it together. Since Ts passing Mondays have been hard as that was when our appointments were. Since I see Emdr T on Tuesdays she sends an appointment reminder text on Monday. On occasion these texts can cause some emotions for me but I work through it. Today I got one like always that just said Hi Not, just a reminder of our appointment tomorrow at x time. EMDR T. I don't know why but it makes me really hurt and angry because she knows that I have been struggling. It would have been so helpful and nice if she just mentioned she knew it would be a hard weekend but hoped I was okay.

I usually respond with something like I will see you then or hope you had a great weekend I will see you tomorrow. Right now what I want to respond is FU (and I do not use profanity) I will not be there tomorrow.

Vent over!

Whoa! Glad you vented here, Not!
This reminds me of another thread here, the one asking if our Ts "check up on us." When I email my T, for the last few years I've made it a point to end with, "Please let me know you've read this." And T answers, "I have." This is because in the past, I'd email her and not know she'd read it. But those short, clipped answers hurt, from time to time, but I realized they hurt because I'd put too much expectation on what kind of email she'd send. I know I need to talk to her about it. If she doesn't know that I feel this way, her behavior would continue. Maybe, Not, that is what you've done: expected something without letting EmdrT know you wanted it. Now, I know that we often feel "I shouldn't have to ask for X," but our Ts are not mind-readers, and need to be told outright, what it is that we need, want, expect, etc. Maybe EmdrT wanted to keep the content of the email focused on the session time reminder. I don't know. And neither will you, unless you ask. Hugs.

Congrats on making it through the weekend and through today. My T passed away in 2016 and all I can say is that it DOES get easier to bear. Sending hugs.

Thank you Cool,

After I vented and was upset for a bit I got over it. I realized I was hurt and sad, missing T. I have been irritable all weekend and it always revolved around things not going as planned or I wanted. EMDR T is great and we are accomplishing a lot but sometimes I have to remind myself she is not T. I dont want her to be and she has said repeatedly that she will never try to be her.

Grief is complicated and sucks, therapy and hard and complicates

Thank you. This is very painful but I do have faith, most of the time, that it will get better.