What seemingly random things will your T not disclose?

Yeah. I never understood what that was about but I never bothered to ask why she doesn’t say her name. I already knew her name. I thought maybe it was because the teenager had social media accounts or what not and the younger was much too young for that stuff. Then I also thought maybe the woman just really didn’t enjoy having a teenager. Those are hard years. I mean if I was my mother I would have killed me during my teen years. Haha.

Did the older daughter have an unique name so he figured it would be easier to track down?

No. It was actually a very very common first name. The youngest, who’s name she would say all the time wasn’t as popular as a name. It wasn’t unique per se, but it was a slightly less popular name.

Very early in therapy with former T, he mentioned his son's name, as "my son,-----." He had also referred to his wife by name. Neither of these were in response to any question from me. But he has always referred to his daughter as just "my daughter." I found that a bit odd. Made me wonder if we shared the same name. Although I rarely meet anyone with my name, it was a more popular choice in the 50's, so it could be possible. And it wasn't that he didn't disclose other personal info, both during therapy and after. I rarely asked him direct questions that would solicit personal info. But I can't think of anything else he's been steadfastly avoidant about revealing. Odd.

Current T offers far more info about her family and life than I care to know!

When is her birthday, not even the month! Her favourite colour. I've asked, yeah...

In fairness he just may not have followed up with "I have a dog/cat/snake" because he didn't wanna talk about himself in your session.

Maybe he just isn't a big pet person and going into details just isn't his thing. Like me, I could discuss my dog for hrs to anyone but some people are just like, ya I have a pet.

Anyway with long term T, nothing really. I could have probably got him to tell me details of his sex life if I tried, he was very open with me. The only thing he never wanted to tell me was what part of something I wrote, made him cry, he admitted he cried but not over what.

With Baby t and T3, I asked both of them not to share stuff with me and openly told them I didn't care but sometimes things came out in stories thankfully it was very little. I think Baby T since he is more chatty would have shared more if I allowed it or asked... T3 is very stoic and I doubt he would share much at all and honestly it's the best choice ever. So much better for me mentally not getting involved emotionally with them

I also agree with most of what Anne said above. In addition to those observations, what came to my mind is another theme that is somewhat recurring in your stories: on the one hand wanting to know exact rules and behaving properly (out of fear of rejection), on the other hand a tendency to push those limitations (at least a wish). I think you have pointed out yourself that it might relate to your upbringing and relationship with your mom. Of course an inquiry about pets is a very mild example but perhaps a meaningful example. I actually have the impression, based on your posts, that you practice that art of not being intrusive (so respectful) but sometimes challenging (taking risks) quite well, maybe the only thing is that it gives you discomfort at times and a form of ambivalence. Thus, perhaps a question I would ask myself is why communication tend to bring out such discomfort and unsatisfied feelings? But I actually think it is pretty normal and everyone experiences them in some forms - would a more profound awareness of its normalcy help you accept it? I certainly don't have the impression on this forum that you are not a good communicator and I know that part of the reason I like to respond on your threads is because I feel you have a quite pleasant balance between providing a lot of "meat" about your therapy and an ability to handle people's responses very respectfully, without overreactions and extremes. I would be quite surprised if your T did not enjoy interacting with you, in part, for the same reasons. But maybe next time just go ahead and ask what exactly you want to know - I don't think there are any real risks with that in your therapy.

I agree that "Do you have any pets?" can be understood as an invitation for the other person to talk about their pets in greater detail. But as someone said above, this is therapy and not casual conversation. The therapist might be trying to focus on the client, rather than deliberately withholding information. Of course, LT could just ask her T why he didn't answer the question more fully.

I'm reminded of the scene in Parks and Rec when Leslie meets with a political consultant and asks some normal small talk question, and the consultant says something like "You're paying me $200 for this hour, do you really want to spend that time talking about the weather?"

Actually - the first woman kept trying to get me to engage in chatting with her because she mistakenly thought it meant we would bond. Those guys need to be a lot clearer about what they are doing at clients with this sort of crap.

That's the thing, my T will often chat with me about stuff. Even today, I was saying something and he was like, "Oh that reminds me of this funny commercial." So I asked about it, and he shared. We've chatted about movies, TV shows, political stuff (once he finally revealed he shared views with me). Honestly, I think that's what's difficult about it, how we can just chat about things some of the time, and it can just feel like a normal relationship, then suddenly I'll say or ask something, and it's like BOUNDARIES UP! I suppose that can happen in a friendship or romantic relationship, too, but this just seems especially glaring.

That's how they build rapport and trust. They learn all this in schooling. It isn't a friendship but being a rock who just sits there quietly, isn't very helpful either. So they usually at least try to be engaging. They do it with everyone, sadly.

It's the sad part of therapy but the part I remind myself constantly so I don't get sucked into the fantasy of it all

And it's harder for you because you are strongly attached. Thats the perk of lessening the distance/attachment, it's hard at first but it does get easier to deal with stuff like this.Ya this is a weird boundary but to be fair, he doesn't have many with you, so I guess I'd be happy with that. He's obviously not the type to share loads of stuff, so I guess just be aware and try not to ask much about it, stay focused on the things you need to work on.

For the first part, yes, I know the chatting helps build rapport and trust. I wouldn't want a T who wouldn't engage in at least a little of that. But my T is also good at making sure that doesn't take up much of the session. If we end up in a chatting place, after a few minutes, he might say something like, "So, are we just going to talk about TV shows today?" or something. Which, I mean, it's my session, he's said I can talk about what I want to. But I'm also not paying him to discuss TV.

Yes, this last part is why I didn't bother asking more about the pet question. Because I know I need to focus on other things. Talking about stuff regarding my dad the last two sessions has been much more productive to overall than if I'd spent half a session trying to get him to tell me what pets he has and why that's important. I do end up having to talk some about the therapeutic relationship, because I need to feel able to trust him, to feel "safe" with him, in order to delve into the deep stuff, like I've done this week. But I don't need to know the kind of pets he has to trust him or not.

I think they probably make it up as they go along. Mine won't disclose much but will randomly throw me the odd crumb occasionally... for instance, last year he told me where he was going on holiday. I once asked him what he did before he became a therapist and he wouldn't answer. He said that him answering might inflame my ET, but I couldn't work out whether he meant my ET could be inflamed by the simple act of him answering my questions or by me knowing what his job was before becoming a therapist.... I mean, what could he have possibly done that would be that good?!

More recently we had a small rupture because he left something out that wasn't supposed to be and it answered another question which I'd asked him a while back, which he had refused to answer. I found it the whole thing quite upsetting, not the thing so much but the hiding and the pretence and the not being able to know the person. I've been seeing him for a really long time and I feel close to him but this whole charade kills me. I've nearly left a couple of times because of it.

oops! double post

wtf?!?

this absolutely just made my day!

Exactly! Was he a masseur? Underwear model? Porn star?

I don't ask my T much about her life, since we're usually focused on my problems. I've asked some questions but can't remember if there were any she directly refused to answer. Sometimes I wish I knew more about her but other times I'm glad I do not.

I've never asked my T a personal question. she discloses fairly easily, though. I want the focus on me!

also to answer your question, not much. he has been cagey about a few things but I don’t remember what now. usually he answers and elaborates. last time he was telling me an anecdote that involved a gun and i asked if he had guns and he said yes and told me all the types and models and where tbey came from. He shares a lot.