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#1
Jun 04, 2019, 10:33 AM
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Last Friday, because of my binge purge cycle returned, T dug deeper and felt that with all the years of therapy I had that cycle has never went away. He started asking more questions about things about my mother, step father. He asked about weirdness, anything unusual. I already told him lots but told him more. He said I might not see it but I am telling a story and the evidence trail needs to be followed. He says it ends right at something really bad happened and most likely was some kind of childhood sexual abuse.
I have no memory of any act but have always felt something and it does explain a lot. I just keep trying to deny this. It was 45 years ago in the 70s. My instincts tell me I was used by my stepfather to make money in child pornography but again I have no memory. T says the first step in dealing with this is to at least acknowledge something happened and specific memories are not needed. I started researching and this article explains a lot for me. I dissociated so much in session that in the beginning he suggested I had DID. http://https://www.psychologytoday.c...-dont-disclose [I]Another reason why many question whether they were really abused is that they may not have a clear memory of what happened. They may have only vague memories or no memories at all, just a strong suspicion based on their feelings and perhaps their symptoms. It’s difficult to believe your feelings when you have no or very few actual memories. Some people will even doubt the memories they do have, fearing that “I’m just imagining” or “I’m making this up.” One reason why someone may have no memories or only vague memories is the common practice of victims to dissociate. Dissociation is a disconnection between a person’s thoughts, memories, feelings, actions or sense of who he or she is. This is a normal phenomenon that everyone has experienced. Examples of mild, normal dissociation include daydreaming, “highway hypnosis,” or “getting lost” in a book or movie, all of which involve “losing touch” with an awareness of one’s immediate surroundings. During traumatic experiences such as crime, victimization, abuse, accidents or other disasters, dissociation can help a person tolerate something that might otherwise be too difficult to bear. In situations like these, the person may dissociate the memory from the place, circumstances, and feelings caused by the overwhelming event, mentally escaping from the fear, pain, and horror of the event./I]
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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
 Anonymous56789, coolibrarian
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#2
Jun 04, 2019, 10:37 AM
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How do you feel about the therapist suggesting this happened to you? To me, it feels like he’s ‘leading the witness’. I have also had a t suggest this. The suggestion was upsetting to me and I chose to dismiss the notion and the therapist.
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"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
 Anonymous45127, Omers
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#3
Jun 04, 2019, 10:47 AM
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Some of the evidence: The entire living room wall was shelves with books. The last two rows at the bottom were filled with sex books and pornography for all the the kids to look at. On the back of the door in my stepfathers and mothers room was a black velvet zodiac post that had pink silhouettes of sexual positions for each zodiac signs. My stepfather would take me with him on jobs in which I rarely remember what went on. When he was beating everyone with the metal vacuum cleaner hose he did not hit me. I believe now it was because he did not want the bruises on me. Some other vague things. I do not think my stepfather did anything sexual to me I think he pimped me out for child pornography. Maybe soft porn and not full intercourse. Not sure that would have been possible I was a small child. Again this is all speculation and my mind has been searching the four corners of my mind and it has dragged up all sorts of emotions I am having problems sitting with.
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
| Omers
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#4
Jun 04, 2019, 10:57 AM
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| MoxieDoxie
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#5
Jun 04, 2019, 12:50 PM
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It is so hard. I knew my uncle had physically abused me and have some specific memories some with more detail than others. Then we had a family holiday dinner and my uncles wife announced she was pregnant. My uncle spent the rest of the evening entertaining the family with detailed stories of all the ways he abused me. I didn’t remember a single one.
However, I too think it is sketchy at best for a T to be as leading as your T seems to be. My T and I have not delved into my trauma yet but the most he will lead is “I’m wondering if men have hurt you before” (because I was uneasy with him) and when looking at my genogram he will say that there is “a lot of potential for trauma in that family dynamic”.
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There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
| Anonymous45127
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#6
Jun 04, 2019, 01:26 PM
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One caution is that your mind might be hiding this memory from your for its own reasons ( your unconscious) . Dissociation is highly indicative of abuse, and there might be memories stored in boxes in the attic of your mind or cocoons spun around memories and hidden in the basement of your unconscious- two metaphors that my T uses. It's very dangerous to remember too much at once, and the memories must be titrated so you don't get retraumitized.
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Living things don’t all require/ light in the same degree. Louise Gluck |
| Anonymous45127, FearLess47, unaluna
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#7
Jun 04, 2019, 03:15 PM
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Quote:
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
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#8
Jun 04, 2019, 03:57 PM
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I had DID (I'm integrated now) but I always knew I was sexually abused. It was not something that could be hidden. I had emergency room visits. There are medical records. The responsible adults in my life were very aware and talked about it. No one chose to do anything about it because I was a source of revenue. These were the days when there were no mandated reporters and this "sort of thing" was considered a someone else's problem.
Whether your therapist is accurate about you being abused, there is no way to know. If it happened you need to deal with it. If it didn't happen it will mess with your head and family relationships for the rest of your life. Be cautious. |
| Anonymous45127, MoxieDoxie, Omers
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#9
Jun 05, 2019, 10:35 AM
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What you say about the sex books may indeed be something very inappropriate and a sign of something, I don’t know, only you do. But don’t let someone else mess with your mind and steer you into false memories. That can be disasterous! You are in therapy to get better from what is hurting you, not to get worse.
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"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
| Anonymous45127
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#10
Jun 05, 2019, 12:29 PM
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My Email to him:
What I know and can acknowledge. I was neglected emotionally I witness violence I was exposed to pornography as a child I remember specific events on those. I was intact at age 12 when the neighbor took advantage of me so I can say intercourse was not forced on me as a child. Without full specific memories I can not bring myself to say any sexual abuse happened to me. To say that makes me feel I am doing something wrong. That I am a liar and making things up. His Reply: You have enough information to know bad things happened, that is all you need to know. Because it is not about remembering the images, its about helping that young version of you process this information. The reason is feels intense is because unprocessed trauma is stored in short term memory. Anything that is stored in short term memory, by the very nature of what short term memory is, makes it feel like it is happening to you in the present day. When you say, "its time", lets start EMDR and focus on some of these situations and begin to get them out of your short term memory - they will feel much less intense. Remember, talking about some of these things is something we just did less than a week ago and it might be the root of the situation, which has made it hard to feel the progress you want to feel. But don't forget where you started and where you are now. In retrospect, or in 6 months from now, the last 7 years may have been preparation to handle these memories, we won't know until we do it. I am on your time table, but you can do this, it will click, it will happen for you. I am on your side.
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
| Omers
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#11
Jun 05, 2019, 08:09 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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#12
Jun 05, 2019, 08:10 PM
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Quote:
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
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#13
Jun 05, 2019, 08:15 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
| Anonymous45127
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#14
Jun 05, 2019, 08:44 PM
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Quote:
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
| TishaBuv
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#15
Jun 05, 2019, 08:47 PM
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It’s can relate to so much of what you have posted, Moxie. It’s so tough! My current strategy is to work on what I know is bothering me at present- the symptoms of these things that may have happened- versus focusing on what memories are accurate and what may or may not have happened. Hang in there!
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#16
Jun 06, 2019, 05:04 AM
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He thinks this all comes from memories I am repressing and that sometimes memories need to stay buried.
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
| Anonymous45127
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#17
Jun 06, 2019, 05:50 AM
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Of course, you have your own experience and I am not familiar with it. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in that feeling. My recent t said it is an attachment issue that stems back from earliest childhood.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
| Anonymous45127
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#18
Jun 06, 2019, 07:42 AM
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You can have dissociation from trauma without DID. You can also have dissociative amnesia without DID too. Losing time through dissociation and doing things during that time doesn't necessarily mean you've alters. Unless he saw you switch and someone else fronted or you had enough clues in your daily life to suggest DID.
I've dissociative amnesia and have external corroboration of some of the abuse (abuse that I don't remember) and also recovered some memories spontaneously, tallying with the corroboration. About memories, I don't think it's wise to go deliberately hunting because it could retraumatise you. But I understand wanting to know. If there are suppressed memories, the amnesiac barriers are there for good reason. What you've already shared with your T already is trauma and you are already deserving of trauma sensitive care whether or not there was CSA. |
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#19
Jun 06, 2019, 08:38 AM
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Quote:
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
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#20
Jun 06, 2019, 08:39 AM
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 I thought your T was suggesting currently to you that you might have DID. My apologies.
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#21
Jun 06, 2019, 10:11 AM
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Quote:
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
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#22
Jun 06, 2019, 11:29 PM
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I'm confused. Your memories suggest a sexualized childhood (the books, the non-age appropriate sexual info in the environment): that is enough to explain a trauma response. Add to this, you were assaulted when you were 12. Twelve years old is a child. Do you think you weren't young enough for that assault to count as trauma? Without any further recovered memories, these experiences reveal trauma.
If you have an intuition that you were used in child porn, I would trust that intuition. But you don't need to remember specifics beyond what you already do to work through the feelings arising from these experiences. I know my former T felt there was nothing to be gained and much to risk by trying to force memory. I've had spontaneous remembering of incidents in the years since therapy ended, I think because I am secure enough in myself for it to be safe for these memories to arise. |
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#23
Jun 06, 2019, 11:36 PM
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[QUOTE=feralkittymom;6549741]Add to this, you were assaulted when you were 12. Twelve years old is a child. Do you think you weren't young enough for that assault to count as trauma? Without any further recovered memories, these experiences reveal trauma?/QUOTE]
Funny thing is no I do not think I was young enough. I wanted the attention and was willing to do anything to get it. I allowed him to do that to me. Oddly enough I do not feel traumatized by that event. T said why did I know about what to do regarding sex at that age? He also said children really just want love and when they never get it will do anything to get it. He thinks my behaviors are driven by shame. That horrible feeling I have when I am alone and can not tolerate it to the point I have to shut it down by either wanting to self harm or I start the binge purge cycle has a name and it is shame. But I do not feel shameful.
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
| feralkittymom
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#24
Jun 07, 2019, 12:13 AM
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Well, I think your T is right about the shame response. Of course, you wanted the attention: what 12 yr old doesn't? That doesn't mean you wanted to be assaulted. Or even that you wanted sexual attention. That kind of loss of control is terrifying for a child. It's why children unconsciously believe that they can control the universe--because the alternative recognition that we have as adults is that we control very little in life. That is psychologically terrifying. Children don't gain the capacity for logic until @ 16-18 yrs old. And that capacity doesn't fully mature until @ mid-twenties. Before that age, the illusion of control is preferable psychologically to the terror of knowing you have no control.
What you think you did that makes the assault your responsibility is part of the shame response. Because you weren't of an age to process what happened in any way except as under your child need to believe in control, the shame response has frozen you in that mind set. Those memories are separated from your later emotional maturity. That's part of what makes traumatic memory so vicious: the memory gets laid down in your brain as you experienced it then. It doesn't mature with the rest of you. You don't feel consciously like it's traumatic now because it's still trapped in the child mind. Opening that frozen child mind is the work of trauma. My experience is that it was horribly painful, but unavoidable if I was to have any experience of life that wasn't filtered through depression. I just wish your T would work with these memories and help you process them rather than looking for others or trying to convince you of a reality that neither of you know about at this time. |
| Amyjay
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#25
Jun 07, 2019, 12:23 AM
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Wow you are so insightful. I wish my T would explain things like this to me. I think I am going to pass this one by him and see what he has to say. SCHOOLED T!
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
| feralkittymom
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| feralkittymom, TishaBuv
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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