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Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2014
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,302
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#21
I realized yesterday, at my session, that while I don't cancel around T's vacation, at the first session after she returns (which yesterday's was), I do tend to shut down, not say much of anything. We discussed the fact that maybe Little Cool was trying to show T what it felt like when T was away: not connecting with her, not talking to her. T said that while she wasn't frustrated, she felt a bit sad. I said that when T was ill, last year (and into this year), I KNOW it wasn't a vacation, but it was still a time when she was away, and unavailable to me. Although Adult Cool understands the healthy need for vacations, Little Cool feels T has been gone enough, already.
I also realized (and WHY it's taken me this long to realize it, who knows?) that when I have positive things going on in my own life (i.e., visiting friends, going to a concert), that I am less stressed about T being away. __________________ In a world where you can be anything, be kind. ; |
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LonesomeTonight
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LonesomeTonight, Lrad123
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2014
Location: n/a
Posts: 4,819
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#22
i think about it but never do. The childish part feels angry that she is going away, feels abandoned, and angry at mtself for needing her. Instead of canceling I get angy and drag myself there with a wall up. I keep that wall up until I get to the appontment. Then the wall comes down and i feel silly for having hadthe wall up and worrying that she wont come back
with T because we still enailed it wasnt nearly as bad __________________ |
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...............
Member Since Sep 2006
Location: in my head
Posts: 2,912
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#23
Quote:
I have to say that for a while we did a lot more parts talk and work. Then I went through a period where I felt like my T didn't like/believe in the parts or didn't appreciate being forced to deal with them. Now there's a bit more parts talk. I'm still not back to fully believing that they are welcome, or something is holding me back on fully believing. My T has said they are welcomed, that all of me is welcomed, and short of her being proactive in reaching out to a specific part; I don't know what more she could do to make all the parts feel like they are welcomed. She's hesitant to do anything of the sort because it would make it be about her and because she doesn't want to appear to be taking sides between the parts. (paraphrasing things she's actually said) Also, that wouldn't be the way she practices therapy. Everything is almost always me initiated. I also struggle with the difference between welcomed and wanted. I mostly feel like she's saying sure they can be there, because that's her job to accept them as being me; but it would be easier if I'd just stop being so.... [fill in the blank there]. And that she's just waiting for this part of my therapy to be over with and wondering when she can get down to the serious business of therapy by moving onto the real things (whatever that means). Yeah, I recognize that this isn't about her at all. It's a sticking point between me and me. Sorry for the tangent. |
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Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
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#24
Quote:
I understand what you mean about welcomed vs wanted. There’s a huge difference between the two. I feel it also. |
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Elio
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Elio
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Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
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#25
Do you think it’s possible to be mad at your T for going on vacation without knowing that you’re mad about it? I did ok not seeing him for 2 weeks and I was proud of myself for not even emailing him. My first session back was ok, but then after my 2nd session (I have 2 sessions on consecutive days) I emailed saying I wanted a break for the rest of the summer. Being mad about T’s taking vacation seems ridiculous to me from a logical standpoint, but could it be some unconscious abandonment thing without my even having a clue? Or would you always have a hunch?
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LonesomeTonight
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Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2016
Location: Europa
Posts: 1,169
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#26
So, what is your hunch? Why do you want to cancel? Or why do you want to take a break?
But for the question - yes, I believe (and I have experienced it myself) that it is possible to be angry and mad without knowing it yourself. Unconscious emotions are just like that - unconscious. It starts to make sense only later when they've become conscious at least to some extent. |
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LonesomeTonight
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Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
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#27
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LonesomeTonight
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feileacan
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Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2016
Location: Europa
Posts: 1,169
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#28
Quote:
But your experience sounds familiar to me. How many times I have sat in session, the sympathetic nervous system internally totally activated (heart racing, face flushing etc), the T saying that I'm mad and I'm shouting to him that I'm not mad and totally believing it myself. |
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Lrad123
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2018
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 3,355
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#29
Face flushing can mean other things. I associate it more with embarrassment, although mine doesn't flush frequently. I can't remember it ever flushing when I was angry.
__________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold |
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Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
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#30
It’s possible I was embarrassed by the surge of emotion (anger?) that seemed to come out of nowhere. Or by the fact that it seemed apparent that I cared about his vacation.
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