[loray]

I’ve been sexually attracted to T since day 1. She has no idea that I’m a closeted lesbian. No one does, and ever will. This whole process that is supposed to help me has just become more and more painful. I wouldn’t call it simply transference. I’d have a crush on her whether she was my T or not. I know my type and the super observant/analytical me can see enough of her to know what I feel is real. I also already know why I fall for the type that I fall for. Yes, I know I don’t know her, know her. Yes, I know she will never reciprocate. No woman I’ve ever fallen for has. They’re always straight and of course, no one knows of my sexuality.

Point is, therapy isn’t as effective due to this - i barely open up because of this crush. Nor do I want to tell her and ‘work through it’. I don’t want to work through these feelings, they are normal and ok, as they are for anyone else. So, I need to leave. I’m thinking of sending a text where I mention the relationship and my feelings but in a non-direct subtle way, not so specific, just general.

But this hurts so much. It also means being the most vulnerable and honest I’ve ever been. She can never see me again if I send the text...

[DP_2017]

Hi

I can sort of relate. I have a crush on t3. He is aware of it, I said it on day 1. It's also not transference, I literally don't care about him at all outside of sessions.... I just find him attractive. He's been cool about it and normally I never would have said anything to him but this time around in therapy, I just wanted to be blunt. Anyway... for me, it hasn't affected therapy.

I would say if you REALLY want to quit over this, maybe an email is better, might be hard to cram all that info into a text. My advice is to maybe take a few weeks off and really think about it, and possibly see a different T for a consult in the meantime, this can help you decide. If you do 100% want to quit, try it via email.

[nicoleflynn]

If she is experienced and a good t, I would tell her of your feelings......seeing that your feelings/healing is impacted in getting help....I told my t of my feelings years ago, and the t was accepting and kind. If you like (and feel she is helping) it would be a shame to quit. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are...and should be honored.

[Salmon77]

maybe take a few weeks off and really think about it, and possibly see a different T for a consult in the meantime, this can help you decide.

I think this is really useful advice. I understand the desire to run away from the feelings you're having but it seems to me that you will continue to feel tortured unless you start to deal with them. Maybe talking to a different T could help? Even just through a help line. I think there are some dedicated to LGBTQ+ issues so you could discuss this with someone who has maybe been in a similar place, without the pressure of an ongoing relationship.

[Omers]

I had a crush on a female T once that I worked with. I never mentioned it to her and I have to admit that I am glad I didn’t although I know she would have handled it well. Thankfully current T has WAY too many quirks that are total turn offs for me and he is not my type (I am Pan) even though he is very attractive. He has already said though that if those feelings do ever come up he is comfortable talking with me about them and the feelings are totally OK as long as I don’t try to act on them.

[Echos Myron redux]

I notice you are almost anticipating people saying that your feelings aren't real and that you dont know her, etc.
That's not usually the response of people on PC to talk about feelings towards a therapist. Most of us recognise that all feelings towards a therapist are very real.
I wonder why you can't talk to your therapist about this. You dont have to answer that of course. It just seems a pity, because I suspect if it were out in the open it wouldnt be such a block on the work anymore. It sounds like a really tough place you are in, i hope you are able to resolve it in a way that doesnt end up causing further pain and loss for you.

[Poiuytl]

It would interest me why you decided to remain a closeted lesbian, and how that affects you. Isn't that part of the reason why you are doing therapy? And in this way, isn't it rather ideal that you are in a situation which either forces you to come out, or makes you leave, because you decide to remain in your closet. Sorry if my basic assumption is incorrect. I want to state clearly that it is not that I believe it a matter of therapy to have a sexual orientation, but that decision to be secretive about it, that's interesting. Is it linked to the fact that you seem especially attracted to hetero types, so expect your feelings never to be reciprocated? Even that would not change at all if you where open. In fact it might change your experience of these situations.

[Rive.]

I would think very carefully about your decision to leave this T and its consequences (e.g. no more therapeutic support, no more contact with her etc.) especially if she is a good T and you had been doing good work.

Good luck.

[loray]

Originally Posted by Rive.

I would think very carefully about your decision to leave this T and its consequences (e.g. no more therapeutic support, no more contact with her etc.) especially if she is a good T and you had been doing good work.

Good luck.

😔 She’s fantastic at her job.

[SandyZee]

I'm in the same boat as you, only I'm not attracted to my therapist. But I still can't seem to tell her about who I feel I really am. Makes a person think therapy is useless if I won't share....so I'll be following this post. Thanks for posting it!

[Lonelyinmyheart]

How would it feel for you to not really tell her how you feel? I only ask this because I know, for me, it would be far worse to leave abruptly rather than admit what was really going on. If you were able to say something to T, this might help in coming to terms with this situation even if thereafter you decided to leave. I guess I'm saying if you can share this with T you may feel differently than you expect. I really hope you find some resolution with this.

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. This is an absolutely excruciating and painful situation.

Personally, I wouldn’t work with a therapist under these dynamics and I don’t see any outcome that doesn’t result in pain and disappointment for you. I’m hoping by saying this I’m not coming across as harsh.

I loved my therapist as a mother for many, many years and the withholding and lack of disclosure on her side intensified my infatuation/obsession and further stoked ‘mother fantasies’. Therapy is hard enough without insanely strong, unreciprocated feelings.

As for method of quitting, I think it’s better to quit in person rather than by text, but only if you can. The conversation will inevitably be difficult and vulnerable. Also, I echo what others have mentioned re. trying out other therapists. I’ll help to have a safety net.