Time to leave T?

I read here all the time, but hardly ever post - I feel bad about that, but increasingly, I worry about online privacy. I need to get pretty desperate to do this.

When I do post, the title is always a variation on the same theme. Am I done with this T?

I have PTSD, **** childhood and adult trauma. Big struggles staying in relationships, trying hard to change that. I’ve been with this T for a number of years, the last couple just seem to have been one rupture after another, nearly always to do with him doing something that scares me frozen. Usually it’s because he is too close or familiar in some way in his demeanour. Then, I start to have images in my head of him abusing me, start to see him as my abuser.

So many times we have had the same conversation. So many times, he has apologised and agreed to not do the very simple things that trigger me. There are only a handful. He says he now understands that I can’t do the work there if I am feeling unsafe. Yet, the same pattern keeps emerging: I build some trust in him, open up some more and he does or says something that just blows it all away again.

I had to quit another PTSD group thing b/c it was too triggering for me. Usually I just push through everything, don’t ever listen to how I feel or take it seriously. I didn’t want to run away or be avoidant, but I also just couldn’t take being overwhelmed the awful feelings any longer. That’s new for me - in the same way me asking T to not do certain things is new. It was hard to quit, but the leader asked me what the kindest, most compassionate thing was for me to do, for me, and I knew I needed to leave.

It’s getting to that point with this T, where it’s just starting to feel counter-therapeutic. The fallout from sessions is impacting my life and ability to work some days. He doesn’t have a whole lot of specialist trauma training, and does nothing to help me stay within my ‘window of tolerance’. He also works only a few days a week, so I’m on my own with trying to put the pieces of me back together or with T2, who is trauma trained and focused on that.

No matter how many new skills and support I get from T2, it just doesn’t seem to be enough to get me through T1 without the awful fall out. I feel like I just don’t want to put myself through it any longer, but still, for whatever reason, I remain attached to T1, and can’t make a definitive decision to end it.

Even as I write the words, it’s becoming so much clearer: he’s not ‘abusing’ me, but it is such a familiar pattern of hurt/promises of change/building trust again/same thing happening again. Maybe, that’s what’s making the leaving so hard?

I’m clear that I want to leave. I’m clear that I’m not running away or just being avoidant: I’m taking care of myself by getting out of a situation that is beyond my present resources. I just don’t seem to be able to make the final move.

much of your situation strongly resonates with me and what it was like when i was in therapy with a T who was not competent enough to handle working with my CPTSD and developmental trauma. i had become so enmeshed and unhealthily attached to him that i kept holding on the tiniest sliver of hope that something would change and that the re-enactments of early abuse patterns would finally end and lead to the cathartic healing i was searching for. i felt like i was forever running around in a hamster wheel, getting no where, except deeper into the rut of hopelessness. for me, that change didn't happen until i took the reigns back on my healing and decided to take a break from my T. during that break i started working with another T (doing neurofeedback therapy) and i started experiencing improvements almost immediately compared to the many years of talk therapy i had been doing. after my break, i returned to working with my talk T while continuing to do the neurofeedback and because of the improvements i was experiencing from doing the neurofeedback, i was able to work towards de-attaching my self from the unhealthy transference infused relationship with my ex-T and actually started making significant progress in other aspects of my therapy and my life. i ended talk therapy just over a year after starting the neurofeedback and to this day continue to feel quite satisfied and content about me and life.

since you are already working with a trauma T, have you considered trying to take a break from T1 and focus just on the trauma work with T2? if T1 is anything like my ex-T, all he is doing is adding unnecessary drama and stress to an already stressful situation that distracts from the real truama work you may need to be doing with T2. i found having the break really was beneficial. it allowed me to step back from an overwhelming situation, it provided the opportunity to seriously contemplate and assess where i was at in life and where i wanted to be heading. it helped me see therapy from a whole new perspective and catalysed my agency, projecting me forward to the positive changes i made in therapy and in my life.

i say definilty trust your gut on this one

Hi KK and thanks so much, it’s comforting to hear I’m not alone with this.

Yeah, I thought adding in the T2 would help me deal with the fallout from T1 and that I would build the skills and resources to be able to be there (T1) and be able to do the really important relational-type work we’re doing.

But it’s just not worked out that way, it gets harder, not easier. And like you said, it just adds complication to an already stressful and difficult time.

I like the idea of taking a break from T1 and seeing how I am on the other side. I also feel like it’s the right time: until now I would have blamed myself and hated myself for leaving and been really down on myself for not being able to hack it. Or, I would have got caught in some angry blame game. I AM angry with him, but I also recognise it’s my own limitations, too.

I always just worry I’ll lose the option of going back. I know this work hasn’t been easy for him, either, and I would imagine me leaving would be something of a relief for him.

you definitely sound like you have made some positive progress in coming to your decision.

i too was scared to stop and worried that he wouldn't let me come back, but i realised that for far too long i was letting my fears keep me stuck in a dynamic that wasn't healthy or helpful. it literally became a life or death situation for me, because i was also frightened iif I did remain in sessions that the overwhelming chaos i was experiencing was going to be the death of me. I was at the end of my rope...rock bottom. so the fear of dying at my own hands out weighed my fear of him possibly not seeing me again. when I told him i needed a break, i was quite blunt and direct about it. my husband also intervened on my behalf and set up a session with T to honesty fill him in on how serious this was for me...it wasn't me running away, resisting or avoiding. it was me doing what i needed at that time to stay alive.

i hope you find the courage to have an honest talk with your T about having a break, if that is what you finally decide to do. i know it's quite cliche to say, but if he is a good T and has the integrity, he should be understanding of your circumstances and welcoming of your return when you are ready.

Do keep us updated.

I agree with everything koru_kiwi has said.

I am still suffering from retrauma from my long-term therapist and my experience in therapy was largely life-altering in the way described (often destabilizing to a point of not being able to work).

At a minimum, I would consult with one or more different therapists. There’s a tolerance threshold one needs to have to get through tough emotions, but there is a clear point where clients are being harmed vs helped and an exit plan is required.

Hugs and hopes for healing!