[Pink Unicorn]

I’m a new member of this community and very happy to be here! I would appreciate your thoughts on my rather tumultuous relationships with multiple Ts for last 6-7 years. I began regular therapy in 2007, but more recently I’ve been let down by one therapist after another, and I’d like to understand how i’m participating in this dynamic and how I can address it since i think there are some patterns that i’m not fully comprehending. This post is long, so please bear with me if you’re so inclined!

T1 (therapist 1): i was in intensive, traditional freudian analysis for 7 years (meeting 4-5 times/week!), and while our relationship began as healthy and generative, during our last two years together she became very controlling. people i really trusted (included wonderful, supportive people on a different psych forum) encouraged me to extricate myself from the relationship, which was definitely the right decision. i’m wondering if unresolved issues from this therapeutic relationship has seeped into my next therapeutic relationships?

T2: we had an overall great relationship, but i terminated after about 2 years because I moved 2 hours away. she was emotional during our last session, cried and told me she loved me, and that she was always available if i decided to come back. being someone who has difficulties with attachment and being open with feelings, i was taken aback by her rather extreme reaction.

T3: went to a therapist near my new home for a year, who was a jungian T. although she was fine, i decided that it wasn’t really my style as i wanted to be challenged a bit more to get to the root of my issues.

T2: returned to T2, and while it seemed like the right choice so i wouldn’t have to start from square 1 with a new T, a future T helped me understand that this decision was also tied to issues with boundaries. while T2 was very helpful in penetrating the deeper layers of my psyche, our relationship took a problematic twist after several months of seeing each other again. you see, i have unsuccessfully been trying to get pregnant for several years, and T2 began to invoke her own experiences with motherhood and questioned my readiness for being a mother. i gently posed the possibility of countertransference, which we never discussed. soon after, she told me that the was going away but that she would be available for phone sessions. she didn’t respond to a couple of requests for a phone session, then emailed me when she returned to share that she would be taking an "indefinite hiatus” and would not be seeing patients for at least 6 months. she offered a session or two for me to process this, but i was too upset to respond, as i have pretty significant issues with abandonment. this was right before another major move back to my childhood home, and i was disappointed because we'd previously discussed phone sessions after my move.

T4: when i arrived back to my childhood home, i started to see a T in the region who i’d seen briefly in the past who i had really liked. i was having lots of challenges with the adjustments of a new job and being near my parents for the first time in many years. but T4 provided me with advice regarding my challenges while i have always been clear that i want to explore what’s going on with me, not what i need to do. in fact, i find advice quite triggering and really want someone who listens and helps me sort of my thoughts/feelings and was clear about this. when i would get frustrated with her advice, she would get frustrated with me, and once sort of implied that i’d changed for the worse. a couple days after one such incident, i decided that i didn’t want to see her anymore, but never initiated any sort of closure.

T5: my most recent T is the couple’s therapist my partner and i had been seeing for several years, and we began to do one-on-one sessions over the phone. while our sessions have been inconsistent, i believe she’s a solid therapist who’s genuinely kind. but our most recent session was quite problematic and spurred me to write this post. again, i was talking about my challenges with infertility, and that i would love to give birth to a child while i’m living in my childhood home. she assumed that this was because i wanted my parents to help me raise my children, which was a MAJOR assumption. my father has terrible boundaries and my mother is mentally and emotionally absent much of the time, which of course i’ve discussed with her. when i told her that i found this assumption upsetting, she justified that many mothers need their parents’ help due to financial and logistical constraints. what i found upsetting is that she was justifying HER assumption rather than help me process the fact that it’s sad and upsetting that i need to establish distance from my parents despite societal expectations for me to rely on them. we never really got to those feelings, so when our time was up, i asked about her availability the following week. it was only then that she disclosed to me that she was going on vacation for a few weeks. again, i have abandonment issues and she didn’t seems to realize that i would be hurt that she only told me about her vacation at the very end of the session. she’s now returned and i haven’t yet reached out for another session.

there are obviously patterns of mutual abandonment, letting people down and being let down, and more. i have been in an overall stable romantic relationship with a man for the past 10 years, so i’m thinking there are issues with specifically women that are playing out as my mom is a fairly inconsistent person, and these inconsistent relationships are all with female Ts. it’s also no coincidence that this is coming to head as i’m exhausting significant emotional and financial resources to try to become a mother. i’m also wondering if i have too high expectations from these Ts. at the same time, i have been in therapy for so long, so i have a very clear vision of what i want from Ts that i don’t think ANY of them have been able to fulfill. i obviously have issues with attachment, and frequently grapple with the feeling of being let down by women in my life as well. at the same time, i’m a feminist who really values relationships with women and would like to work on this.

thanks if you made it to the end of this post.

[sarahsweets]

I am sorry this happened to you. I think many of us are conditioned to think that therapists can do no wrong and sometimes we have to go through a few to find a match. I was in therapy for 16 years in total and with the same therapist for 10. My issue was him continuing to see me when it was obvious I didnt need to anymore. We got through all my trauma and issues so basically he was just making money off me. He was very kind and soothing but really professionally he should have known I had reached my end point.

Honestly. No one in here is qualified to engage in what you wrote the can give opinions.
Unless someone has been in the rooms with you with all your Ts how could we.
Hope things work out for you

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry you've struggled so much with therapists. Sounds like many of them did not have good boundaries and/or let their own issues and feelings get in the way of your therapy (countertransference, as you mentioned). I've had some similar issues with T's. Because they have all been female T's (I think?), would you consider trying a male T? I see one now, and he's really been helping me (I'm female). If not, if all of them have been around the same age, maybe try one who is a different age? Like if they've all been in their 60s, try one in their 40s. Just some thoughts.

[Rive.]

I wouldn't say you had "too high expectations" from these therapists.

I see it as a complex interplay of factors such as attunement, what the client brings to the table, therapist expertise, and also random luck. It can take a lot of trial and error to get a satisfying or effective therapeutic relationship going.

If it hasn't worked out with these therapists, they weren't the right ones for you. I do agree that things are co-created in the therapy space but a T who is not willing to stick with you and resolve whatever the issue or pattern is, is not worth persevering with.

[Pink Unicorn]

thanks all! it's helpful to hear from others that while i'm participating in the co-creation of my relationships with Ts, it's not my fault either. as @Rive. says, there is a complex interplay of factors here. it was helpful to write everything out and get things off my chest as well. i think i will give it a try to discuss my disappointments and hurt feelings from the recent session with my last T. i'm not 100% sure that it will work out, but it's worth a try i think.

[Rive.]

Good luck!

It shows a lot of self-awareness that you acknowledge your patterns and know what you want or need. It's now a matter of finding the right T who is willing to stick by you..

[Pink Unicorn]

Thanks @Rive.!