[MoxieDoxie]

I am going to try Better Help online counseling to help me maybe break my transference to my therapist.

I am so upset I could throw something at my T and my parts feel he lost the right for me to talk to him. He lost my trust. If I can not talk to my therapist that just a few weeks a go I loved and had him on a pedestal and now I feel his is evil. I feel lost and alone and I need this ache to go away.

I am just a mess right at this moment. I am hoping things change for me a few days. I do not see him again for 10 days so maybe zero contact with him will help but right now I am not thriving in my life, my job. I am back to taking xanax to get to sleep as I just lay there in bed and cry.

[MoxieDoxie]

So I started a free trial.

First therapist they gave me a female when I requested a male.

Second one was male but ran for the hills when I told him the whole truth. What is wrong with me I need to stop telling the truth and lie.

Third one I lied and told him my T moved away. It takes so long for a counselor to get to know you and your situations to actually really help. He chatted with me for an hour which was a great distractions from my overwhelming emotions.

I could tell you that eventually the transference begins to resolve.
That the burning pain goes.

But whrn you're in it, that's hard to hear or think about.

But it does.

[seeker33]

I truly hope this new therapist will help you moxie.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by seeker33

I truly hope this new therapist will help you moxie.

He spent another hour with me last night. We talked about my attachment to T, different modalities he used and what my symptoms were when I went into therapy compared to now.

I sure did help. I did not feel so alone and anguished.

[seeker33]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

He spent another hour with me last night. We talked about my attachment to T, different modalities he used and what my symptoms were when I went into therapy compared to now.

I sure did help. I did not feel so alone and anguished.

that' awesome! So glad you've found such a supportive T

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by seeker33

that' awesome! So glad you've found such a supportive T

lol....oh dear. Right now I am in the week of a free trial. I am sure he is being very attentive so I will subscribe and pay the $65 a week to continue with him. He is still a therapist play therapist games which I fall for every time.

[seeker33]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

lol....oh dear. Right now I am in the week of a free trial. I am sure he is being very attentive so I will subscribe and pay the $65 a week to continue with him. He is still a therapist play therapist games which I fall for every time.

Please don't think like this. I've been with my online therapist for 2 years now and she's amazing, even better than in the beginning! I've tried several Ts during the free trial, and none of them tried at all. You could see from the beginning they didn't care. I belive the character shows from day 1. It IS possible to find a good therapist online

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by seeker33

Please don't think like this. I've been with my online therapist for 2 years now and she's amazing, even better than in the beginning! I've tried several Ts during the free trial, and none of them tried at all. You could see from the beginning they didn't care. I belive the character shows from day 1. It IS possible to find a good therapist online

Agreed--no experience with online therapy, but not all therapists play games. Hope this one can continue to help you. Is it maybe cheaper if you do, say, a monthly or longer subscription?

[Taylor27]

Hugs i truly hope this online therapist will be supportive for you. Not all therapist play games. Hugs

[MoxieDoxie]

Update:

I have been doing online therapy with this T on BetterHelp if therapy want to call it therapy. I write what I am internally feeling. He paraphrases it back so I feel I have been heard then he asks questions to get me to think about my feelings. That is how it goes every time.

Anyway my entire content with him has been about my feelings and desires for my current T. How depressed I am knowing I will never know him more than what sits in front of me. Online T finally got frustrated and just keep telling me to bring this up again to my in person T. That things will never get resolved if I do not continue to bring it up to him. I have explained I did bring it up in emails and in session but he feels the only way it gets resolved is by doing parts work. It is all just painful.

I did not renew the subscription to betterhelp with the online therapist and it ends in two weeks. I have not sent him any new messages and he has not bothered to reach out to me.

I have been feeling so desperate, depressed, SUI thoughts are back. I was even thinking of going to me primary doctor and asking to try Buspar and maybe it will numb my feelings and I read it is weight neutral.

I did like having the online T because I had someone to vent to about my feelings for in person T and it helped hold me over until my next session. It stops me from emailing T for attention.

I hate my life and I hate my brain.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much @MoxieDoxie HUGS Kit

[seeker33]

Hugs Moxie.
It's so frustrating when the T keeps repeating the same pattern! No wonder you quit

[MoxieDoxie]

I think I am going to create a new account on Betterhelp, get a different therapist and this time lie to him about seeing an T in person. Not talk about transference and my obsessive attachment.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I think I am going to create a new account on Betterhelp, get a different therapist and this time lie to him about seeing an T in person. Not talk about transference and my obsessive attachment.

Every now and then I feel particularly needy and think that my primary therapist is going to get sick of me and I create a profile on there too. If I talk about my primary therapist I refer to her in a general enough way that it sounds like I'm not seeing her anymore. "A therapist I saw...." So I saw her just last week. Technically that is past tense.

Some on them on there are OK, but I had a run of a couple of bad ones. One told me about how his mother used to choke him and that he had ED (not an eating disorder). He also told me about how he got through graduate school without ever reading a textbook...talk about confidence building. A second one fired me as soon as I mentioned the first one. What a chicken. I got mad and complained and they gave me a free week if I wanted to try a third one. I did and she was OK. I talked to her for a couple of months.

[MoxieDoxie]

Actually the online therapist sent me a response that made me feel better and I am giving him another shot.


Moxie, I'm more than willing to provide you with an opportunity to talk in between sessions if that's what you think would be helpful for you. That is definitely one of the benefits of this service --- the ability to consult with a counselor aside from the once-weekly sessions. I'm sorry you didn't find my response helpful, I should have considered the impact that this would have on you regarding your previous experiences being rejected by counselors based on you providing that info. It wasn't intended that way and I apologize. You should feel free to talk about whatever you want and whatever you think is most beneficial.

And just to clarify Moxie, I didn't intend to suggest that you won't benefit from additional input (from myself, other professionals, therapy clients, people on forums, etc.) given your situation. I hope that my message didn't come across that way --- I know that you have been rejected by a number of other therapists when you brought up the issue. However, I just find it surprising that given that you are back with M in therapy that the issue isn't being addressed.

[here today]

Good news! Glad he could come back with something that helped.

Maybe he thinks your regular T isn't serving you well? And hence was "surprised"? One thing that's really come across in this forum is how deep and strong the attachment is and how it might harm you, at this point, to give it up. Hence all the work you're doing outside of therapy, including the online T? Seems like he got that picture now, too?

Which is not to say that I don't think you could be OK if you did have to give the regular T up for some reason before the transference is resolved. Like he got sick or something. Just that I'm glad if this online T can help. Whatever it takes!

[seeker33]

His response seems caring and I would keep messaging him. Glad you're feeling a little better :-) keep us updated!

I think his advise to take it to your f2f T was correct. Your f2f T is correct that this can only resolved through working it through.
By seeing/emailing other Ts, you're splitting the intense emotions and they come back at you doubled.
It is painful.

[Taylor27]

I'm glad he wrote back to you and i'm happy his response was caring. I hope it all works out with this online therapist. Hugs