[susannahsays]

The therapist wants me to work on looking at her when I talk about stuff. I want to know why. I will ask next time I see her and she will tell me why she wants me to, but I just wondered if anybody else knows.

She said I hide from her and won't let her get close to me or something. But what is going to be different if I look?

[Amyjay]

I don't know... maybe her wanting or needing you to look at her is more about her comfort than yours. I do not look at my T much, and have virtually zero eye contact when talking about anything that makes me feel vulnerable. I certainly hide from my T and avoid getting close to her. It's darned well my right to do that, too!
At one of my kids' parent teacher interviews once the teacher had the audacity to demand that I look at her when I spoke to her instead of shifting my gaze out the window, as was much more comfortable for me. In that moment I was taken aback and tried somewhat to comply, but would rather have told her that it is her responsibility to deal with any discomfort she felt about eye contact, and not mine to relieve it for her.
At any rate, there have only been two or three occasions when my T has asked me to look at her, and I do feel it was appropriate in those instances. The rest of the time, I look at her or don't look at her according to my own need, and not hers. Even if that need is to avoid... avoidance is always there for a reason, and I respect it. If the time is ever right for me to look at my t more (and I suspect as time goes on I will be able to do that) then it will happen then, and not on another person's timetable.

[Rive1976]

Mine gets mad if I'm not looking at her because she says it makes her feel like what she is saying is just ******** to me, like I dont care. She also wants me to practice being vulnerable because she says thats when you really open up. Your therapist probably wants the second one.

[MoxieDoxie]

I barely look at my T either nor has it been a topic to discuss. I do not think it matters if you look at them or not. I look at him when he has something interesting to say otherwise I am looking at the floor all the time.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I struggle with eye contact but my therapist has never mentioned it and she wouldn't make it into an issue because she doesn't force me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. For me, eye contact equals deep emotional intimacy and that is what I fear.

[malika138]

I don't look at T when I am discussing challenging things, which is most of the time. I look up and to the left of her, to that "comforting" place where the ceiling meets the wall. I've been seeing her for more than 13 years. When I do look at her, I'm always surprised that she doesn't look the way I think she does! It would be too much to look at her directly for the session, like she could see inside me, at how terrible I am inside.

I agree with Amyjay that I should be able to look where I want when I am meeting with someone I hired to help me!

[Lrad123]

I don’t have a problem looking, but occasionally choose not to, and I think it’s when I’m trying to keep my distance. Occasionally when I look I can feel warmth and care that would otherwise be difficult to convey with words.

[downandlonely]

Just a thought, but maybe your T wants you to practice making eye contact with her so you can do it other people outside of your session. When people don't make eye contact, it makes the person they're talking to feel like they're not listening. I think it's an important social skill to work on.

[stopdog]

I don't have any problems with eye contact with real people, but I didn't spend much time on it with the woman I hired. It always seemed like she was trying to manipulate me or inflict her misguided attempts at empathy on me, etc

Here is some info on why those people like it:
The researchers believe that eye contact can and should be used "for therapeutic purposes." They note "that the use of eye contact during therapeutic processes increase the patient’s appraisal of the therapist’s interpersonal skills and effectiveness.... Eye contact can have a memory-boosting, prosocial, and stimulating effect as long as it's wanted by the person being looked at. " What Eye Contact Can Do to You | Psychology Today

Not looking at them pisses some of those guys off
Eye Contact in Psychotherapy

Other ideas:
Eye Reading (Body Language) - Psychologist World

"Many of my clients say that eye contact while talking about a trauma can make them feel more vulnerable.
Eye contact in therapy is definitely something that should be worked on because it can help keep us grounded as well as practice connectivity and vulnerability in a safe space" by that loon Kati Morton (I greatly dislike this woman but admire her marketing skills and ability to suck money out of people)

[susannahsays]

Thank you for the links, stopdog, I enjoyed reading them. Doubtless we would all be lost without psychologists to inform us on the appropriate frequency of winking and the inadvisability of crocodile tears.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

Just a thought, but maybe your T wants you to practice making eye contact with her so you can do it other people outside of your session. When people don't make eye contact, it makes the person they're talking to feel like they're not listening. I think it's an important social skill to work on.

I make eye contact with people in real life. And I have made eye contact with the therapist before. She knows I'm not incapable. She specifically wants me to look at her when I'm talking about a specific subject. This may be connected to my fear/obsession of her possibly laughing at a trauma.

[velcro003]

This is something my T and I are working on. After 3 years, she brought it up bc we were discussing how I feel like I am a difficult/frustrating client. She says she finds it more difficult to talk to me when Inever make eye contact. I think she finds it harder to read me, but I don't know for sure. She also said the "energy" is different the few times I've made eye contact.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I am able to have eye contact with my T. I consciously try to. It's not easy. I tend to watch people's mouths more. But it does tell me more about what's going on with her which helps calm me and reassures me.

[SummerTime12]

In everyday situation I have no trouble with eye contact, but in therapy when the conversation gets really difficult, I sometimes don’t look at my t. He pushes for me to look at him though because it helps keep me from dissociating.

[susannahsays]

Maybe I will look more in the general direction of the therapist than I have been. Lately I keep finding myself pretty much turning my back on her, which is rather rude.

She didn't actually specify eye contact had to be made. I guess that would probably be ideal to her, but I do whatever I want.

[zapatoes]

In movies doesn’t it often show a patient visiting a psychiatrist and the patient is lying on a couch and often facing away from the psychiatrist, it’s ironic that it likely used to be patients maybe didn’t look at their therapists.