I am really grateful for current T

DP_2017 · Sep 07, 2019, 08:42 AM

I still love and miss my long term T very much..... he was one of the most amazing people I ever met. Truly someone who helped me when I lost my beloved dog

BUT

after having a lot of time to reflect and having a T who keeps emotionally distant and is good with boundaries, I am finally able to appreciate that in a T. I've only been seeing t3 since April, but I've gone many weeks without seeing him at all. I have 0 attachment and I feel like I am making loads more progress with him in a short time than I ever did with T.... for nearly 2 years of weekly.

T3 is very bold, and says whatever, he doesn't sugar coat things and he encourages eye contact, which is important for me to work on in this situation. He is just friendly and nice enough to make me feel at ease but not enough to where I care about him or even feel cared about.

I am so glad I stuck with him because he really ticked me off a lot along the way. As much as I love my T.... given a chance to redo therapy, I'd pick t3... I would never have had to stay in T as long. I feel so much more free now. It's wonderful.

For those of you who were like me and deeply attached and feeling trapped... there is hope. The right T is out there, it just might take a while to find them. I don't post here much anymore but I wanted to just let people know I am doing well, current T is a great fit for me, even if he's kind of a jerk lol... and I am still cheering for you all to get where you want to be in your journey.

zoiecat · Sep 07, 2019, 09:48 AM

So glad to hear you are doing well DP. Thank you for sharing your insights.

My T shows empathy but always focused on my improvement. He holds strict boindaries although the only way ai try to push them is by occassionally wanting to vent about a current life issue. He does not allow that for more than 10 minutes per session. He will help me work on coping skills or CBT reframes or EMDR on the issue but a session of venting is not allowed.

I get angry with my T quite often and I will sometimes tell him. If it is something he truly erred on he will apologize and work on changing his approach to improve sessions. If it is something within his boundaries that ge will not budge on because he feels it will not help me improve or keep me stuck he will always say "it's okay for you to be mad at me" or "I'm going to have to disagree, do you want to hear why?"

As much as I despise my T sometimes I am grateful for his process. I know deep down he is right and giving me what I WANT is not always what us best for me or what I really NEED to improve my life. It is very similar to a "good" parental relationship; one built on love and guidance for the future NOT simply being a friend and having good times.

Sorry to get carried away here but I gave seen you struggle with attachment and discomfort both during and after being with your first T. I am so happy for you and glad you pushed yourself past your comfort zone long enough to find a great T that is really helping you. I'm so glad that you are experiencing improvement quickly due to the right approach and one where you are free of the attachment issues.

I read so many posts from people struggling on here and describing there struggles. It is painful to see and I can't help but think that my T would NEVER allow that to happen. He just doesn't encourage the attachment, dependency or enmeshment. He insists on gaving a yearly treatment plan and makes it clear that it is his ethical duty to refer me if I have not made any progress each year. Progress is facilitated through his use of skills and boundaries but it also requires me to put the work in. He says for some people this treatment contract is a nessary push for them to put in the work and not just come in each week and use him as a crutch to discuss their weekly experiences.

Sorry again for the tangent but I just wanted to share that I too am grateful for my T and I am so happy for you DP. You have pushed yourself with this new T, put in the hard work and are now reaping the benefits. You deserve all of the success and happiness you are now experiencing. Keep up the good work. Life can be better than you will ever know.

stopdog · 11:03 AM

"My T shows empathy but always focused on my improvement. He holds strict boindaries although the only way ai try to push them is by occassionally wanting to vent about a current life issue. He does not allow that for more than 10 minutes per session. He will help me work on coping skills or CBT reframes or EMDR on the issue but a session of venting is not allowed."

I am glad that works for you but it would absolutely not work for me. I think it is good that you found something that is helping. The only place the woman was even a little bit useful for me was as a place to vent about my person's illness and death. Venting was the usefulness. I did not hire one to learn skills or cbt reframes etc.
Plus I would never work with one who thought they got to allow or not allow me to do or not do anything

JaneTennison1 · Sep 07, 2019, 11:06 AM

I'm so pleased for you that you found something that works so well. I know your previous long term T left quite a gap behind and this is good news

Lonelyinmyheart · Sep 07, 2019, 11:19 AM

Really glad to hear you've found a T who works so well for you.

From my own experience, different Ts and approaches can work differently at different times as well. My previous Ts were what I needed at the time, but then I realised I had gone as far as I could with that particular T and approach. I'm with a new T who gives me a lot of space and offers pure empathy and acceptance which is what I need now rather than a more directional T.

Lemoncake · Sep 07, 2019, 11:54 AM

Thanks for the update DP, I was thinking of you.

Lrad123 · Sep 07, 2019, 12:03 PM

So nice to hear things have been going well for you. Thanks for the update.

DP_2017 · Sep 07, 2019, 01:12 PM

Thanks everyone and zoie... no worries on sharing your own stuff.

I like that this T has also not been negative about my T. He will say stuff like "He knew he shouldn't have done that" but he doesn't talk bad about him and understands my feelings. For the first few months, every session, I would break down in there. Which is odd because with T, I only cried 6 times total, most of those the last week. I guess he helped me be more accepting of that emotional stuff because I wasn't reserved about it at all with t3, it just happened.

I tell him often that I appreciate him being emotionally distant and I keep saying "Just stay over there and we will be fine"... he will joke and point to the chair like "This is my chair, this is where I stay" and he smiles.

I also want to mention I intentionally tried a T I found good looking this time, because I struggle so deeply with feeling inferior and making eye contact in those situations. I told him the very first session about that and he has never made it weird or anything. Now I am doing well... he's still attractive, unfortunately but it's not as much these days. He's just t3 to me. I am doing great with looking at him almost the whole time (my first few months I mostly looked at my feet)

He's also the only T I've ever had who challenges my avoidance behaviors. It's frustrating at times but it's awesome. I can honestly say since I have seen him, I have taken so many risks in life, I have much more of a social life these days...I've done things I never dreamed I'd do because he's always encouraging me to push my comfort zone. Amazing!