Couch 205: The 5 x 41 Couch

I can also read it (PM is fine).

Thank you @Jersey 4 and @LonesomeTonight, I just pm’d you both!

Fml. Just got off the phone with my t. He said that he keeps 3 pro bono spots every week, but they are all booked right now. So he will let me know if one opens up and then I can decide if I want to take it or not (I told him I’d feel really guilty). Otherwise, I can’t afford to go until my husband gets a second job or promoted, which could be months from now. He asked how I was doing and I said “fine,” and he said “like actually fine or just saying fine?” To which I said I’m actually fine. Which is a total f****** lie because I am suicidal af knowing that I’m on my own for likely a few months. It’s been getting stronger all week. I didn’t want him worrying though, considering I can’t even go see him. He said I could reach out still if I’m in crisis, but I feel like I can’t because if I’m not going to sessions regularly, he’s not getting paid, so I wouldn’t want to bother him with an email or phone call.

Hugs, Summer, I'm really sorry. He's not even willing to see you, say, once a month or something?

I didn’t want to ask once it became clear that he only allotted those 3 slots discounted. I just feel sick to my stomach right now and really stupid. I wish I’d never started therapy with him. To be fair though, he doesn’t know I’m suicidal right now.

HUGS @SummerTime12 That sounds really tough.

Thanks SK. I just want to email him a big F you for not actually caring and trying to fake it like you did. But that wouldn’t be fair because I was his job, after-all.

ETA I literally told him EVERYTHING I’ve never shared with other people and risked everything, and now I feel completely hopeless and like I never should have opened up.

Would I be the worst person ever if I sent him this? He would officially hate me, I’m sure. But that’s ok because he probably already does..

“I lied, I’m actually extremely suicidal right now, but I didn’t really think there was a point in saying anything, because I can’t afford therapy, the hospital, or anything. So it feels literally pointless. Not even sure why I’m sharing this now, as there’s no point.”

Whoops, sent it. I really don’t care anymore.

Well that was pretty horrible. I just broke up with L. I can't even talk about it right now. I'm going to have a couple margaritas. When she said I needed to think about how what I was doing affected other people (her) .... and I said I'm sorry and she went "mmmhmm" yeah it's over. 8 years. Just like that.

**** her.

There was just no way to feel better. Maybe if i could have taken a shower, but that seemed too strenuous! So i took a nap, and i think all the fight or flight hormones have dissipated by now.

It was so bad, i was like, okay, try to laugh out loud at the liberty mutual tv commercial when the "cute but dumb actor" says "liberty biberty..."

So yeah see i dont just torture you guys with dumb jokes, i torture myself too!

Eta - artie, wth!

Criminy, what a day. The highlights were somehow the final exam in my online course isn't working properly (still isn't, so I switched proctoring softwares, but seriously annoying). But the cap was my department's development committee meeting. The building is being redesigned and we're selling naming rights to the rooms. 50K for an "enclave" (what we're calling the classrooms, apparently). 150K for a conference room. 500K for the cafe.

Isnt an enclave something you sterilize stuff in? are you brainwashing those kids?

Eta - okay, no, thats an autoclave. Although an Enclave is a Buick, which is technically an auto.clave...

Apparently it's a Bu(i)ck. See what I did there?

I need a shoulder to cry on. H is not being sympathetic at all. I tried talking to him and even told him that I just need him to listen and let me cry and he just keeps lecturing me about "I knew this would happen" and other ******** I don't need to hear right now. I feel wretched.

No, unfortunately i dont see. I had a hard day too!! But at least i have not been banished to the enclaves. Geez, to be a prof now, you gotta buy your own classroom? This is all Aunt Becky's fault.

You have us. Altho we have no idea what just happened! But thats okay!!

I love this guy! Liberty biberty!

You guys I need help. I tried to reach out to my t to be honest about how I’m feeling but he didn’t respond. I’m sorry because I know it’s not really fair to ask for help online. I’m just stuck. I feel like I’m going to do something stupid.

1 margarita down and I am ready to talk about it. I feel horrible. i have never felt kicked out before. i felt kicked out today. L said that i needed to think about what i am doing to other people (meaning her, who else could she mean?) and I almost started bawling then. earlier i had told her that i couldn't keep doing this with her because i just always want more. she then started talking about how we needed to turn up the heat and do twice a week. i was like , no, i can't do that!! good lord does she think i am made of money?! she tried to say i needed to commit to another period of weekly and then take a break again if needed later. she said that consistency is important and i need to schedule for next week end of discussion. i said no, not end of discussion!! she said something about how there is some 'other' inside me that she can see peeking out one of my eyes. (wtf?!) that is doing this. i was like what?! she said can't you feel it? i sense it's a him. can 't you feel him? i'm all what are you talking about?! it was so awful. I told her that if I do call her again and ask to come see her that i want her to tell me no. she said clinically i can't do that. at one point i said back in september you told me you were holding this time for me and i said i didn't want to abuse that by waiting any longer to come and talk about this in person so that's why i called now, i didn't want to just disappear on you, that felt wrong. i told her i didn't want to argue and she said we weren't arguing i said well it feels like we are. what the **** happened?! it wasn't supposed to go like that at all. and she did not accept my apology when i said 'i'm sorry' and that hurts the most i think.

Buick Enclave. Buck. Buicks cost bucks. So do my building's enclaves!

I think you only sent the email a couple hours ago, so maybe give him time. As for doing something stupid, can you distract yourself, or call a chat line?

I know if he hasn’t replied by now, he’s waiting for morning. I texted the crisis line but it didn’t help. I’m already in the danger zone. I am so mad at myself right now.

Hugs, summer. i'm so sorry you're hurting so much. please keep talking to us and stay safe.

Thanks Artie, I’m sorry you’re hurting a lot too right now. I wish your h was being more supportive.

I can’t even think straight. All I know is it doesn’t matter what I do because I can’t get help anyway.