[hopealwayz]

My doctor hates me

Hugs, hope. I'm sorry things are so hard.

[SlumberKitty]

Hugs Hope. Why do you feel that your doctor hates you? Hate is a pretty strong word. Are you sure that he hates you? Could it be that you feel that way, but allow for some other possibilities? I am sorry you are struggling so much. I hope you feel better soon. Lots of warm gentle hugs. Kit

[hopealwayz]

No I think I really messed up last night. I sent quite a few emails talking about sui and I called him a liar. I don’t know what happened last night but the stress in my life caused me to have a meltdown.

I called today to apologize and they ignored
my calls but eventually my doctor got on the phone to talk to me about it and I begged him to please not give up on me. He didn’t cut me loose at that moment but now I’m terrified to say anything.

I am choosing to take 4 weeks off for things to smooth out. His tone is what makes me think he hates me.

[hopealwayz]

I hope I didn’t ruin this because he has really helped me but I don’t know if he can forgive me.

[hopealwayz]

And I can’t even forgive myself.

[hopealwayz]

I am a horrible person. This world really would be better off without me.

[hopealwayz]

And last week, I just told him my deepest darkest secret. That makes it hurt more with his tone. Because I feel so vulnerable.

[elisewin]

Don't take a 4 week break. Go to your regular appointments to talk about this.

[SlumberKitty]

Hope, I agree with elisewin. Go to your appointments. Don't punish yourself by not going to your appointments. You sound like you are beating yourself up. That is not productive. And it isn't true about you. Try to be kind to yourself. Show yourself some compassion. HUGS Kit

[maybeblue]

Your doctor was probably hurt. BUT that doesn't mean he hates you. Maybe write an apology letter and take it to the next session? Would that maybe make you feel better?

[Gettingitsoon]

Please go to see him.

I feel for you Hope.
I've assumed how my T is feeling about me when I've reached out. I've never been correct when I've done that.
T has always been calm and willing to work through my tough times with me.

Please give him a chance.
I say this as best I can, not meaning to upset you Hope.
When I read your posts, they sound so black and white.
Either you trust your T and think you're a good fit or he's about to terminate you.

Please give him a chance to help you. Dont decide for him how he feels towards you.
Meet with him
Let him help.

The world will NOT be a better place without you.
Really. We all have value to contribute in different ways.

I've had some very bad spots where I just wanted out.
To be done.
I'm glad I was able to work through that dark place and come back and enjoy life again.

Wishing you the best Hope.
Its hard!!

[Amyjay]

Hope, it is most likely not that he hates you, but that you hate that cycle of behavior in yourself. Most doctors never hate their patients. They may become frustrated at times, or feel helpless to help at others, but hate is not generally something that doctors feel about their patients.
You are doing the best you can at the moment, and there are times when your best is better than now, and times when you just can't maintain your best self - yet. A little self-compassion will go a long way. A slip up or a personal crisis isn't an "offence" that will earn you damnation from others.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'd go talk about it with him next week. I doubt he hates you. It's better to smooth things over now, I'd think.

[hopealwayz]

Ok, I’m still on the schedule.

Can I get everyone’s help to help me figure out why I did this so that it won’t happen again.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

Ok, I’m still on the schedule.

Can I get everyone’s help to help me figure out why I did this so that it won’t happen again.

It probably has something to do with this:

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

And last week, I just told him my deepest darkest secret. That makes it hurt more with his tone. Because I feel so vulnerable.

If you are anything like me you lash out when you feel vulnerable. I tend to yell at people or push them when I have shared something.

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

Ok, I’m still on the schedule.

Can I get everyone’s help to help me figure out why I did this so that it won’t happen again.

This is an excellent question to take to your next therapy session. These patterns won't be replaced or rewritten overnight though - it's hard work to change core responses.

[hopealwayz]

My whole life everyone told me how worthless I was. And then I discovered that I trusted my T and for the first time I’ve learned what trust feels like.

For example, I’m actually participating in life things. For example, I just got an acceptance letter for school.

[hopealwayz]

It’s almost like some part of me doesn’t believe that I deserve this kindness.

[hopealwayz]

I just read this: Persistent neglect or repeated misattunement from caregivers builds an expectation of not getting one’s needs met. As a child grows into adulthood, this background noise can continue to shape how they see themselves, their environment, and every relationship they enter.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

It’s almost like some part of me doesn’t believe that I deserve this kindness.

Yes it sounds a lot like self sabotage

I know a thing or 2 about that myself

[Taylor27]

Hugs hope try to not beat yourself up hugs

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

Ok, I’m still on the schedule.

Can I get everyone’s help to help me figure out why I did this so that it won’t happen again.

My opinion:
It will happen again and that’s okay. It never happening again is unrealistic. It happening less frequently and less severely overtime is a better goal. You “did it” because you were hurting so much and because your brain was probably misprogrammed by your early life caregivers. It’s very much related to your diagnosis and you are not the only one. It’s not your fault that your mind is trapped by your brain. Treatments like DBT can make things less tumultuous.

Try to reflect rather than react. How? If you feel you want to email/call T’s office a lot in a given moment, wait 24 hours then see if your feelings have changed or lessened... even just a little bit. You could even type what you want to say and save it. It’s different than telling yourself “I can’t message T.” Instead it’s telling yourself “I can message T, but I’m gonna wait x hours before I do it to see if my message content changes.” Consider trying this even for just a week like it’s an experiment and you are the lead scientist!

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

Ok, I’m still on the schedule.

Can I get everyone’s help to help me figure out why I did this so that it won’t happen again.

I agree with JaneTennison. This probably had something to do with the big disclosure. I also have a problem with acting out following big disclosures.

[seoultous]

If you were in the therapist's place would you hate you? If a friend said to you what you said to your therapist would you hate your friend?