Wanting to feel the connection

There’s a post on IST about needing to feel connection during therapy sessions that I thought was really interesting, but I didn’t want to hijack that thread and thought it might be worthy of its own thread.

A couple of people mentioned needing to feel connection with their therapist during a session, otherwise they leave feeling dissatisfied. I hadn’t thought about it that way, but that’s definitely going on with me. In fact, if I leave feeling connected I sometimes want to skip the next one (which is often the next day as I see him twice/week) so I can hold onto that feeling of connection a bit longer. I worry that if I go in, I might lose it. And if I leave the session not feeling connected I feel disappointed. I’m not even entirely sure what it is that brings on the feeling of connection. It might be a comment or a look, but I’m not even sure what it is which means I don’t know how to consistently get it. I feel a bit guilty because I’m not sure if that’s a valid reason for going to therapy. It kind of feels like I’m sneakily trying to satisfy some guilty pleasure and perhaps I shouldn’t. Anyway, it’s complicated. Just wondering what others think.

Well as you know I'm absolutely with you on this. I don't know what brings on that elusive feeling either - if I did I would bottle it. I do know that T's hug (which she gives me at the end) does, but it's no longer the sole source and if I haven't felt the connection in the session prior to the hug I still leave feeling a little empty. But it would be a lot worse if she didn't hug me (she gives great hugs). I don't know what else because she's nearly always sensitive and empathic, keeps her attention always on me, etc. She seems to like me. She connects with what I'm saying and understands me. I can see and feel all those things, and yet don't always feel connected. I think maybe I just need her to tell me she loves me all the time???? Or maybe the connection is something I have to find within me (I hate that idea).

I don't have any answers either., Lrad. Many theories say it's the relationship that matters most in therapy and of course when the transference (past feelings) get triggered, the relationship takes centre stage. This description resonates with me but I still feel ashamed that the relationship is the most important thing and I'm way too embarrassed to tell T although I'm sure on some level she knows. I never had any overt sense that I was loved as a child so it may be that I'm looking for obvious signs from my T and that if I don't get this I feel awful and disconnected. It does feel like a guilty pleasure that I should get over and I've been feeling especially terrible this week about even going to her. But my life has been so lonely that it makes sense that I love seeing her and needing what I need. I fear losing the connection too and I get upset as the weeks go on that previous feelings of connection may disappear forever.

Wow, that’s how I am too. I thought that I was the only one who felt that way. I will keep checking to see what others have to say about it. Thanks for this thread.

What use to frustrate me. Was T saying "it's there, the connection, even if it's not always conscious"

I love the connection with my therapist although it frequently causes me guilt or shame, and I often feel I am sneaking something from him I don’t deserve. I feel the connection in my body, and not just in my heart and mind, so that has made me feel especially bad, like I am violating him in some way.

However, I have shared my concerns with him, and he always reminds me that all these wonderful feelings belong to me and I am allowed to enjoy them.

I have struggled with intimacy my entire life so to be able allow myself to sink into this delicious warm bath of connection is a gift I am learning to give myself, and without that, for me, none of the other work is really possible.

The therapist says I won't let her near me and that I push people away. Needless to say, connection is not something I seek. You might even say I'm avoidant.

The connection is so important to me! Here's a mini list of what sometimes can reset the connection if I lose it with T. I've had to work on this in the past because without the connection I'm just a boring uninspired blob.

Jokes
Laughter
Shared experiences
Agreeing on something
Seeing the other person's perspective/understanding each other
Creating a plan to reach a goal
Celebrating when the goal is met
Eye contact
Smiling
Shared memories
Appreciating what another person has done
Appreciating traits about someone
High fives/fist bumps
Recognizing the positive

It really helps that my T actively works on this too and will point out connection issues.

I terminated with now-ex-t last week because that's all it was anymore, me just wanting that connection, me enjoying being with her. I didn't think any work was getting done there anymore; I'd started doing my work through other methods in late august and was going there and just telling her about it after the fact. And just enjoying talking with her in general. And it became too painful wanting what I can't have of her, because there was no longer that therapeutic benefit making the pain worth it. If any of that makes sense.
I'm looking for a new t now with a different modality so I can get some work done again.

With Former T I was quite fortunate because I felt connection with her a lot of the time and I could keep that feeling for at least a couple of days. I saw her weekly so that helped too. I don't know what it was that helped me feel that connection. Maybe just her warmth and general positive regard towards me. I also felt like she was very real with me a lot of the time. With Current T and Pastor T I haven't felt that connection. Maybe once with current T when she said she finally thought she was "getting me" but alas not since then. I also don't know if I want to feel connected with current T. I don't want to have that awful feeling when I'm not connected so maybe I am a bit shut down.

I guess I chose my therapists because the connection was solid and comfortable. Beyond that, however, I don't think I gave the connection much thought. It was established and I felt secure in that connection, so it wasn't something I questioned or sought out beyond being sure it existed initially.

I think once a person has experienced what a secure connection is, it just becomes something understood and trusted. It isn't a constant intense feeling all the time and you don't even really need that intensity, but rather, it is a relationship that simply feels secure and safe.

It's kind of like the difference between the intensity of falling in love (that all-encompassing, constant flood of feeling) and being in a long-term love relationship where you simply have that mature love that trusts and is consistent. (And no, I'm not saying therapy is like Love; just using an analogy).

My T has cards for what I am needing in session each time. Connection is one of the options. Picking that card let’s him know that he needs to be a little more attentive to me and not do anything that challenges rapport. For the most part I feel connected with T no matter what and I do think it is the “magic” piece that makes the difference between him and previous, useless, T’s. If at the end of session I am not feeling connected and I am brave enough to tell him he will hold me for a minute or two or we can do an extra long hug.

I don't think there was a connection with the woman (although she did and for some unfathomable reason said she thought it was "solid" - she was an idiot). I connect with real people in my life -but the therapist would not count for that and I don't know what the point of a connection with a therapist would be.

My T has actually said that the relationship is the therapy or something like that. I had no idea what that meant in the beginning but I do now. I’m also embarrassed about it because it just feels weird when you think about it. I suppose it’s just transference, but it feels real and intense. My T’s answer to everything is “we talk about it” so I guess that’s what we’re supposed to do, but sometimes it’s hard and awkward.

Speaking of wanting to feel the connection. There were several times when I was so deep in the longing for her between sessions - even though my sessions were on Thursday afternoon at 4:30 for quite awhile there - it would be Thursday after lunch and I just couldn't wait another dang minute and I would text her and say "4:30 today, right?" or something else lame like that just so she'd respond and I'd have that little spark of connection. I was so embarrassed about doing that yet it was like I had to. she knew why i'd do it, too, and would say so, which made it feel even more embarrassing.

I have my own version of this. My toughest time tends to be over the weekend, but he doesn’t respond over the weekend, so I will sometimes find a reason to email Sun night or Mon morning knowing I can get a response from him on Mon morning. Typically his response is short and generic with the first sentence referencing something I said in my email and the second sentence saying he’s looking forward to seeing me later in the week. I sometimes feel lame that I do that, and also because it somehow makes me feel better. I’m actually a fully functioning adult, so wanting this can feel wrong and weird. But I do it anyway.

Between sessions I often email and T has learned I usually don’t need a reply from him (he was very relieved by this given how often I email). If I tell him I need a reply, even if I tell him I don’t know what I am needing he will reply. Sometimes it is a “it’s almost Monday!” Or “see you soon” or sometimes it is just a silly string of emojis but he will send something back if I just need that connection in between.

I don't have issues with feeling the connection in session. However, I have major issues with object consistency, so I easily lose that feeling of connection in between sessions. There are some things that T and L have done to try to help with that. I can email in between sessions. T gave me a rock and a stuffed animal as transitional objects, she wrote facts in my journal (i.e. she cares, she's not going to abandon me, etc.), she left me a voicemail, and I have countless emails from her. L has given me a magnet and a scarf as a transitional object, she also wrote facts in my journal, and I have countless emails from her as well. I've also asked L for a bracelet, a rock, and a voicemail. She said over time she'll give them to me.

Right now I'm not struggling too bad with my connection with L especially since I'm seeing her twice a week and get to email in between. I am, however, having a hard time with my connection to T. But it's been 7 months without her, so I guess that would be expected? I'm curious to see if the connection comes back when I see her in 1.5 weeks.

Eta: T came up with this idea: to email her asking if she's still there. That way I could reconnect with her, and she'd only have to give a quick response. L allows me to do the same.

The word transference sounds pretty minimalizing but in reality it's something everyone does, in therapy and out. It's basically using our past experiences of people to form assumptions about present ones. It can be enormously helpful for psychological survival but also be harmful if it keeps you from seeing things as they are now.. My T actually doesn't use the word at all as she sees our relationship in the room as something taking place between the two of us in the moment and that it has reality in the now. She thinks it's natural that it will create strong feelings due to the emotional intimacy of the therapeutic relationship. Of course there will be feelings from my past because I have a lot of unmet needs that are coming out onto her due to the feelings of nurture etc I get from her, but it's also a real connection (when I can feel it) because I see her personality as she is today and I connect with that. All that said, I know I need to talk to her about what I'm feeling from the past as they are causing problems with the connection but it's very tough.

I need the connection with my therapist for therapy to work. Most research does say that the relationship is the most important part of therapy and I would agree with that. If I was not able to feel a connection with my therapist, I know that I would not have stuck with it and I would not have made the changes in my life that I have. My T and I talk frequently about our relationship and both feel that it is in a good place. He also assures me that it is normal to want that connection because humans are social creatures and historically needed a connection with others in order to survive.

Your T sounds good. I like the fact that she doesn’t use the word “transference” because it does sound minimizing as you say. I think my T uses it because he knows I read a lot and I’ve used it before although when I’ve used it, I was probably trying to create distance or minimize my feelings. The reality of it, though, is when you feel the feelings they feel very real no matter where they may be coming from. Last week my T said he thought my feelings were stemming from my relationship with my father who was generally emotionally absent during my childhood and then took his life when I was a teenager. I asked my T how I can stop putting these feelings on him and he gave his usual answer, “we talk about it.” It sounds so simple, but I don’t often know how to do that or where to start. For me, it’s about not wanting to take up too much space which I may express by withdrawing or feeling guilt or shame about having needs among other things. It’s hard to do talk therapy under those circumstances.